First relationship after 8 year break up....uggh...this is so hard!

[zestygirl]

I had a very difficult time getting over my ex. We broke up in january, and I took it very hard. We never lived together, essentially the issue that drove us apart was his lack of committment....he was quite a bit younger than me. He was also quite immature, juvenile even. That was something I also loved about him sometimes, though. I have two girls who are 15 and 8, and it was also an issue for him to commit because he wasn't ready for a whole family yet even though he loved me. His worst qualities were that he was definitely a bully, definitely controlling and verbally abusive. Very overbearing and was intimidating and aggressive if he was ever challenged.

 

I am totally completely, absolutely over him. It was a difficult road, and it took quite a long time. I went through some depression (obviously) and felt very, very bleak for a couple months.

 

One effort I undertook to get emotionally healthy again was to date. I went dancing, I connected with friends I hadn't seen in a while, and i set up an online dating profile where I was actually quite 'popular' and so ended up getting asked out often enough to 'keep me busy'. (I didn't pursue sex, I was just trying to re-learn how to interact with men, be single, make new friends, and try to feel attracted to someone besides my ex).

 

So. The train ran me over in May. I haven't actually figured out how many men I went on dates with, but it is around 40. several of them expressed an interest in me...I felt virtually nothing toward any of them. Until I met 'Him'.

 

I had been chatting with him online. He seemed quite different from my exes (and me, actually), and therefore just the type of fellow I might date. Handsome, educated, refined, wore a nice suit to work, my age (not younger), cultured, successful, well travelled and 'nice'. (I have a habit of dating jerks). So I sat accross from him. Thought he was very cute. Then learned that we'd literally grown up in the same neighborhood. Swooned. Went home, and told my friends I'd just experienced for the first time something very close to 'love at first sight'. Was surprised then, when despite the mutual lava flowing between us, he told me he couldn't date me because he was seeing someone else. Fine. At least he was honest, said he wanted to be friends. I felt the sting...but handled it gracefully...and lucky me, he asked me out again about 2 weeks later and told me she was history. We dated almost 2 months before sleeping together.

 

Here's where is gets really tricky. I absolutely adore him, BUT

 

he lives in a nice fancy house and i rent a condo i can barely afford.

he is educated to the nines and I can only discuss certain topics with any degree of knowledge even though he has labelled me as 'brilliant' more than once...

he has been to every country. I have been on two vacations out of the country.

His favorite hobbies include politics, investing and discussing global economics. I won't even bother telling you how little i know of these things.

I'm broke. he's rich.

 

Complicating matters is the fact that he accidentally got me pregnant RIGHT out of the gate. It was an ectopic preganancy (tubal) and required emergency surgery. He was an absolute knight in shining armour...sleeping in a chair next to me all night and skipping work when i was in the emergency department. It was an experience that just exposed me in so many ways....not pleasant being examined in front of your new bf, you know.

 

The problem is really this: I CANNOT get comfortable around him. I do my best, really, but, I constantly feel overtaken and nervous even though I am madly (like MAD) in love with him. (Or because of it)! I think this is really about me feeling inferior.....he talks to me about his multiple trips around the world and his very fancy job and i just sit there and nod, you know? What'll he do when that guy from visa calls on a sunday morning and leaves a message about my "seriously overdue account"? (I haven't told him I'm broke...I just haven't really discussed my financial situation except to note that I get no help with my girls and am lucky to have a very good job).

 

I know he is very attracted to my 'brain' and personality (we are both logical and articulate creatures) as well as physically....so i realize there is substance to our new relationship....but I am so ill at ease when I'm with him I can't even (ahem) finish when we sleep together because I can't RELAX.

 

what the hell is wrong with me??? Am I going to ruin this?

[zestygirl]

I had a very difficult time getting over my ex. We broke up in january, and I took it very hard. We never lived together, essentially the issue that drove us apart was his lack of committment....he was quite a bit younger than me. He was also quite immature, juvenile even. That was something I also loved about him sometimes, though. I have two girls who are 15 and 8, and it was also an issue for him to commit because he wasn't ready for a whole family yet even though he loved me. His worst qualities were that he was definitely a bully, definitely controlling and verbally abusive. Very overbearing and was intimidating and aggressive if he was ever challenged.

 

I am totally completely, absolutely over him. It was a difficult road, and it took quite a long time. I went through some depression (obviously) and felt very, very bleak for a couple months.

 

One effort I undertook to get emotionally healthy again was to date. I went dancing, I connected with friends I hadn't seen in a while, and i set up an online dating profile where I was actually quite 'popular' and so ended up getting asked out often enough to 'keep me busy'. (I didn't pursue sex, I was just trying to re-learn how to interact with men, be single, make new friends, and try to feel attracted to someone besides my ex).

 

So. The train ran me over in May. I haven't actually figured out how many men I went on dates with, but it is around 40. several of them expressed an interest in me...I felt virtually nothing toward any of them. Until I met 'Him'.

 

I had been chatting with him online. He seemed quite different from my exes (and me, actually), and therefore just the type of fellow I might date. Handsome, educated, refined, wore a nice suit to work, my age (not younger), cultured, successful, well travelled and 'nice'. (I have a habit of dating jerks). So I sat accross from him. Thought he was very cute. Then learned that we'd literally grown up in the same neighborhood. Swooned. Went home, and told my friends I'd just experienced for the first time something very close to 'love at first sight'. Was surprised then, when despite the mutual lava flowing between us, he told me he couldn't date me because he was seeing someone else. Fine. At least he was honest, said he wanted to be friends. I felt the sting...but handled it gracefully...and lucky me, he asked me out again about 2 weeks later and told me she was history. We dated almost 2 months before sleeping together.

 

Here's where is gets really tricky. I absolutely adore him, BUT

 

he lives in a nice fancy house and i rent a condo i can barely afford.

he is educated to the nines and I can only discuss certain topics with any degree of knowledge even though he has labelled me as 'brilliant' more than once...

he has been to every country. I have been on two vacations out of the country.

His favorite hobbies include politics, investing and discussing global economics. I won't even bother telling you how little i know of these things.

I'm broke. he's rich.

 

Complicating matters is the fact that he accidentally got me pregnant RIGHT out of the gate. It was an ectopic preganancy (tubal) and required emergency surgery. He was an absolute knight in shining armour...sleeping in a chair next to me all night and skipping work when i was in the emergency department. It was an experience that just exposed me in so many ways....not pleasant being examined in front of your new bf, you know.

 

The problem is really this: I CANNOT get comfortable around him. I do my best, really, but, I constantly feel overtaken and nervous even though I am madly (like MAD) in love with him. (Or because of it)! I think this is really about me feeling inferior.....he talks to me about his multiple trips around the world and his very fancy job and i just sit there and nod, you know? What'll he do when that guy from visa calls on a sunday morning and leaves a message about my "seriously overdue account"? (I haven't told him I'm broke...I just haven't really discussed my financial situation except to note that I get no help with my girls and am lucky to have a very good job).

 

I know he is very attracted to my 'brain' and personality (we are both logical and articulate creatures) as well as physically....so i realize there is substance to our new relationship....but I am so ill at ease when I'm with him I can't even (ahem) finish when we sleep together because I can't RELAX.

 

what the hell is wrong with me??? Am I going to ruin this?

[volpe]

It sounds to me like you are still emotionally fragile from your last relationship, and what you went through with your ex broke down your self esteem a bit.

 

I would suggest that in addition to this relationship, you do things independent and that make you feel good about yourself. Don't allow your identity to be this relationship and thus you will be less threatened. You are putting this guy on a pedestal, and not realizing that you are as brilliant as he says, if not more... so it sounds like you may need to make an effort to work on yourself. You can do this while with him still, but I would suggest to take this relationship slow and not put all your energy on him...

[volpe]

It sounds to me like you are still emotionally fragile from your last relationship, and what you went through with your ex broke down your self esteem a bit.

 

I would suggest that in addition to this relationship, you do things independent and that make you feel good about yourself. Don't allow your identity to be this relationship and thus you will be less threatened. You are putting this guy on a pedestal, and not realizing that you are as brilliant as he says, if not more... so it sounds like you may need to make an effort to work on yourself. You can do this while with him still, but I would suggest to take this relationship slow and not put all your energy on him...

[loulee]

Gosh your story is just like mine..it gives me hope..dont let intimidation ruin your relationship..Once you start placing his interests travel and knowledge above your own you are bound to feel this way...you are equals remember this.. he may have travelled..he may have global knowledge but this does not mean he does not want to hear about a funny story you may have from a holiday in the next suburb. yes you need to relax!! big time...perhaps you need to find some other interests outside of work that can make you feel that you are contributing more to the conversation. there are many ways to mans heart...and let him know that you struggle financially at times, dont try to "keep up' with him simply try and keep him period..I think you are placing undue pressure on yourself...Im sure there are many things that you know far more about than he does....so dont think to yourself Oh no that would bore him..just be yourself and tell him. he will be aware of your discomfort...And never forget to use humour it can always diffuse an uncomfortable conversation..sometimes just saying simply 'I have no clue about this but I am interested in learning about it from you' is enough..time will sort this all out..it neednt be a problem..it is only one IF you make it one...dont think ahead ..live in the minute when you are with him..

[loulee]

Gosh your story is just like mine..it gives me hope..dont let intimidation ruin your relationship..Once you start placing his interests travel and knowledge above your own you are bound to feel this way...you are equals remember this.. he may have travelled..he may have global knowledge but this does not mean he does not want to hear about a funny story you may have from a holiday in the next suburb. yes you need to relax!! big time...perhaps you need to find some other interests outside of work that can make you feel that you are contributing more to the conversation. there are many ways to mans heart...and let him know that you struggle financially at times, dont try to "keep up' with him simply try and keep him period..I think you are placing undue pressure on yourself...Im sure there are many things that you know far more about than he does....so dont think to yourself Oh no that would bore him..just be yourself and tell him. he will be aware of your discomfort...And never forget to use humour it can always diffuse an uncomfortable conversation..sometimes just saying simply 'I have no clue about this but I am interested in learning about it from you' is enough..time will sort this all out..it neednt be a problem..it is only one IF you make it one...dont think ahead ..live in the minute when you are with him..

[zestygirl]

Volpe...good advice...and some food for thought....but what of the fact that I we ARE taking it slow? We text once a day, speak on the phone twice a week or so, and see eachother about once a week at this point. I am very focused on my job and children, and have several hobbies of my own - (not necessarily glamorous, but, I do fill my time in healthy pursuits). I do appreciate that I shouldn't obsess..and that IS difficult when falling in love....but the fact remains that I just cannot seem to relax or justify that our lives are "mesh-able" based on the numerous dissimilarities...

 

loulee....wise words. thank you.

[zestygirl]

Volpe...good advice...and some food for thought....but what of the fact that I we ARE taking it slow? We text once a day, speak on the phone twice a week or so, and see eachother about once a week at this point. I am very focused on my job and children, and have several hobbies of my own - (not necessarily glamorous, but, I do fill my time in healthy pursuits). I do appreciate that I shouldn't obsess..and that IS difficult when falling in love....but the fact remains that I just cannot seem to relax or justify that our lives are "mesh-able" based on the numerous dissimilarities...

 

loulee....wise words. thank you.

[Circe]

Actually, it sounds to me like you don't think you are good enough for him and thats why you can't relax around him. You are waiting for the penny to drop in his mind and for him to decide you aren't good enough either.

 

Is that possible?

 

(Not saying you aren't good enough - just to clarify- but that I suspect you feel you aren't and are worried he'll think the same - and so you are constantly on your guard.. trying to be the best you can etc instead of just relaxing into yourself)

[zestygirl]

Indigo - I think that is exactly the problem....and although I am aware of it....I still can't seem to solve it....I feel a little like an imposter....I think the fact that he doesn't know how broke I am is probably driving a lot of this discomfort. Being more bohemian and less educated is one thing, but, I just don't know how he would react if he knew that I am truly the struggling single mom that I don't really appear to be...(because my pride prevents me from showing this truth to ANYONE).

[Circe]

Zesty, you have fought to get over a difficult break up and have done it brilliantly. You raise, no doubt a wonderful child - all by youself. Life is tough and you soldier on making the best life for you and your child that you possibly can with what you are given. You do a better job than most people in your situation could - I have no doubt.

 

So be proud of yourself. If your financial state turns him off you as a person - it was never right to begin with. Your package is who you are - financial woes and all. He can take the strengths and the weaknesses, the pros and the cons - or he can leave it all. But you be proud of who you are and don't ever feel inferior to someone else, especially not the man you are dating.