SparklyBoots Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Hi all, Split up in February – after 2 years together – bf had not been in a long relationship before and possibly had GIGs and commitment issues – still liked each other though his way to deal with it was to cut contact. Met up one month later and slept together (big mistake) he withdrew again. . He told me he couldn’t afford to be in much contact as he needed more time to sort out his life and get used to not being part of a couple. During this time I made a lot of mistakes, asking to try again and all the usual pathetic stuff that really needs to be avoided. Met up April to try the ‘friends thing’ – had a good time but he was still keeping a distance. Again, he withdrew and we had very LC, usually initiated by me. In May he started to see someone else. I went complete NC to heal. July I sent him a birthday message, he sent me one too as our birthdays are close together and shortly after he told me he had split from his girlfriend. He suggested meeting up at the end of the summer. I kept LC and dated other folk, even went on a holiday on my own to Turkey (which was awesome experience!). A week before I went on holiday he asked if we could meet up for a catch up. I really wanted to go see him but I had made other plans so I apologised and told him I was busy but maybe some other time. That was hard for me to do but I wanted him to see I wouldn’t just drop everything and run to him! A few days before I headed off on my holiday he added me as a friend on Facebook. We have messaged a bit since then and last week he called me – first time since April. I was so shocked to see his name come up that I didn’t answer – doh! He hasn’t tried calling since but we have messaged each other and texted. And have agreed to meet up this Friday for a meal, drink and catch up. He has offered me his spare room to stay over in if I want to (we live 40 miles apart)!!! Since we split I have lost 3 stone in weight and toned up a lot through going to the gym. I feel good about myself. I have also been out trying new things and meeting new folk. I have grown a lot in confidence and as a person in our time apart. I have done a lot of navel gazing and self-improvement and he is bound to see a big change in me. Although I have healed quite a bit, I know that I still have a way to go – there is still a big squishy soft spot for him in my heart. I don’t expect anything magical to suddenly happen like he will realise how great I am and declare undying love at our first meeting. I would like this meeting to at least result in some of his barriers coming down and have him see me as a real person again after over four months without in the flesh contact. It is so easy to block out a person when you have no real contact with them. I would like to keep it all light and avoid talk of the past relationship. BUT I would like advice on any pitfalls to avoid. I have made a big show of how great my life is, so much so that even if he were to still have any feelings at all for me, he would not voice them as he knows I am doing very well on my own without him. He is quite proud and also has a low self esteem – he doesn’t take any emotional risks and tries to never show a vulnerable side – but it is a lot of front. It took him almost a month to admit to the slightest urge to go out with me when we first started meeting up for drinks before deciding to go out officially, even though his friends said he had liked me for a very long time before (I had known him as a friend of my ex husband for about 10 years). So, how do I play this one? I want to show my confident side, show I am sorted and enjoying life but that I miss him from it, without scaring him off. I don’t know how to hint at the fact I still like him, or whether I even should….I know I need to wait and see how it all goes, but I would like to prepare for the right things to say if the occasion were to arise. HELP, PLEASE!!!!! Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I think you are doing just great. The fact that you got yourself so well involved in your life and doing things for you is awesome. Congratulations. I think that if you keep the conversation light and talk as if you guys are the best of friends... it will take pressure off of him and he could think about the future... whether it's staying good friends... or slowly getting back together. SLOWLY. I know how that can be difficult. I think it's the best approach. Do you think the way you behaved at the beginning of the break-up when you where begging him back... and that you stayed in his line of sight helped you or hurt you? Was it able to let him know how you felt? And when you finally stopped trying he was able to process it? I have been No contact for 2 weeks almost. Should I just wait? Mine sounds like a commitment-phobe too. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Sounds very promising, and I wish you all the best. But, I would take this very slowly, don't spend the night with him, keep your self-respect, and make him work for you. Good luck... Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Do you think the way you behaved at the beginning of the break-up when you where begging him back... and that you stayed in his line of sight helped you or hurt you? Was it able to let him know how you felt? And when you finally stopped trying he was able to process it? I have been No contact for 2 weeks almost. Should I just wait? Mine sounds like a commitment-phobe too. Hi, Staying in his line of sight definitely hurt me a lot and stopped me from healing as qucikly as I should. He has said that at times it would have been easy to just turn his back on me completely as I was pushing him too much. That pressure is such a turn off. I think he can be in contact now because he feels confident that I won't be begging or trying to get him back the way I was in the beginning...he knew how I felt, but it wasn't reciprocated and that just pushed him away at the time. My ex has not managed to be friends with any of his exs before...feeling as if he wants to remain in contact is something new for him and he has found that in itself hard to deal with. Our split also hurt him a lot and caused him a lot of confusion. So yes, disappearing from his life for a bit did give him a chance to process the fact that he wanted me to be some part of his. While he was with his new girlfriend he probably did not think about me at all, but since their split he has had time to look back and realise that I am a person that is worth getting back in contact with....and I appreciate the fact that he is willing to try the friends thing. I don't know what your ex is like but if there is any kind of basic connection still between you guys, if you just sit back and let him work this out for himself, then it will be so much better than trying to force him into anything. NC is a great time to look at your life and work out what you can do to make it better for yourself, without him being involved. Would you want to be in contact with some unhappy person who is constantly craving your attention...or someone confident and sorted? Basic human nature really - I am no longer the needy clingy ex, but someone out there enjoying life...he has seen that and wants to get to know me again - this wouldn't have happened if I had kept in contact with him - I could have pushed him away for good. Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Sounds very promising, and I wish you all the best. But, I would take this very slowly, don't spend the night with him, keep your self-respect, and make him work for you. Good luck... Thank you...slowly is difficult, but I have learned a lot of patience in the past few months. I don't have any real expectations, but my legs will remain well and truly crossed LOL! Link to comment
HoldingHope Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Awesome and congrats! Be sure to keep your energy centered. By that I mean, cling to the new you and things you have learned. You must try to not expect ANYTHING from your meeting, that way you are confident and strong and do not project neediness. Let him do the talking first and try not to get into the deep discussions right off the bat, make him work for it! You have done many great things and have every reason to be confident and proud. Just be the person he fell in love with and have faith that will take you where you need to be. Link to comment
bronte Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I agree, be confident and happy--if you really want to let him know you miss him, you can always end the evening by saying, "It was really great to see you, I've missed you." (And I'm imagining a little bit of special emphasis being put on those last words, lol.) I don't think you need to show more vulnerability than that on a first meeting, if the rest of the evening goes well you'll probably get additional chances to explore your feelings with him later on! Link to comment
servedcold Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Sounds like you have things under control. Consider keeping this first meeting brief, little or no alcohol, and not staying with him. 40 miles isn't really that long a distance unless you will be drinking or have some night driving problems. Best wishes. Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Sounds like you have things under control. Consider keeping this first meeting brief, little or no alcohol, and not staying with him. 40 miles isn't really that long a distance unless you will be drinking or have some night driving problems. Best wishes. Oh how I wish I had kept under control LOL! I took the train, thinking I could have a few drinks and then get the train home, or if it was going well then I could use his spare room to kip in as offered.... When we met it was so natural, there was no awkwardness, we had a really nice evening - he complimented me on how well I looked BUT....many drinks later we ended up spending the night together...next morning he was all cuddly and made me breakfast....way back in March when this happened he was so cold and wanted me out of the house as soon as possible. I was surprised to see he still has a picture of me up by his computer, and all the little nic nacs I bought him when we were together are still out on display in his room. He has a drawer where he stashes stuff from exs and they hadn't been put away at all....I binned all his stuff asap.... However, in the cold light of day, he does not want a relationship, he said we hadn't worked out before and he was wary of trying again. He likes me still - we had a great time and the attraction is still strong but he is scared of us both getting hurt all over again.... So I screwed up by being too available. I am cross with myself for letting my guard down and getting drunk. He has not been in contact since and I doubt if he will. He will have all his big protective barriers up again....this is so frustrating. I think I need to cut my losses and move on as he will not go back to seeing me, even though I still hold a piece of his heart...part of me says just walk away but another part feels like I could call him and try and talk this out some more. He would rather just avoid so that would probably just be pointless Link to comment
servedcold Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Don't be too hard on yourself, it's easy to give the "keep it under control" advice when meeting an ex, but very hard to do when it comes down to it. The "reunion" urge is very powerful. Just look at it as closure and as an aid to healing instead of a detriment moving forward. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I'm sorry Lilac. I know how it feels to have the big buildup and then....nothing changes. I don't think sleeping with him made him decide not to get back together. It sounds like drinks and nostalgia got to both of you. If you feel you must call him (and it would be way better if you just didn't), I would wait a couple of weeks to do it. If you put some time between the meeting and the call, it will give you some time to collect yourself and come accross the way you want to come accross when speaking with him. Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Wow, thanks guys, I was expecting folk to say how stupid I was - and believe me I do feel stupid! I wasn't expecting to hear from him but I got a text on Sunday night. He apologised for not being in touch sooner and mentioned popping down to see me sometime soon when he saw how things panned out...whatever that means - which was confusing as this was different to what he had said before I left - soooo I sat down and mailed him about how I felt about what had happened and how I felt we were both in a much different place than when we split. He has seen the big changes in me for himself now. I got a reply today saying he was tired after a hard day at work but had read my email. He was going to take some time and try and process it and work it all out...may not make a difference at all but I know I have given it my all. I have taken a risk and at least I won't have any 'what if' regrets....think Friday night has left us both a little confused! Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I hope it works out the way you want. Do you think it will? I think you may have to be patient for awhile which is hard to do. Well, hard for me anyway. Link to comment
SparklyBoots Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 I honestly think he will not take the risk....but like you say Lilly I need to be patient. It has taken 7 months to get to this stage and I am just going to take a back seat, not contact him about this again and see what he comes back with - if he comes back with anything. I have done my part for now, ball is back in his court. Link to comment
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