The Talk

[InvisibleWound]

I wrote a thread yesterday about how I was going to talk with my boyfriend, etc, so now I am going to write about it in a new thread...

 

Well I was hoping to talk with him as soon as I got him from work but I called into work so I had to wait until later in the evening to talk with him. I felt kind of bad because here he was making supper for us and I was coming in to talk about stuff and stress him out and such.

 

He was nice enough to mute ventrillo (chat clinent he uses with friends when playing WoW), shut off youtube and take off his headset to listen anyways. He thought we were spending more time together. And then he said when he comes off work he is ussually just so exhausted and tired that he does not want to do anything, fair enough. Its kind of depressing that he even feels like that after short shifts

 

Then of course I told him that I loved movies but it gets to the point that things feel different when that is all we do together. Then he started naming of small stuff like the hug he gives me before work everyday, or how he tries to snuggle with me everynight in bed, how we eat together or sometimes just talk in the car, etc. He considered all that spending time together, which it is, it is.... But what happened to more of the quality time? And I told him I wasn't asking for everyday here, just more often, other things... I told him I really felt that we do not have as much incommen as we think.... He does not agree entirely. I love to watch movies with him but I don't want that to be our only activity... I love board games and stuff, hes not as big a fan so there is another thing down the drain...

 

I also mentioned that I felt we both spend to much time on our computers, and he bought up the fact that its more commen than you think for people to go do their own thing in a relationship. And I know that, but I met it gets to the point where I am over here doing things most of the day and spending time with him might not even pop into my head. I mean isn't that bad?

 

Then he seemed to confuse what I was saying about spending time together, he was like "It sounds like your looking for big events, and I cannot do that." so I asked him what the hell he meant.... He met going out to dinner and movies and stuff. Which is not at all what I meant. I mean more quality time around the home, more time together, that is what I meant.

 

Our talk opened up some old wounds as well, I started talking about other things. I told him that our sex was improving, which it is... But it sucks that I rarely get off, so I told him that if he wanted maybe we should try other positions, I mean we are young and I am open to the idea. He didn't really say anything to it, but I am hoping he will be willing to.

 

He bought up the fact like 3 times that I should outweigh and good and the bad, and decide if it is worth staying or not, he said he didn't want me to be unhappy, etc... So after he said that I asked him if that meant he was not going to change at all. And he said he would change, but not everything. And honestly the only change I want is us spending more time together but its both our fault as I told him.... And then I mentioned maybe we both lost interest, he says he has not.

 

I also bought up the fact that we have been together for almost 3 years and out of those 3 years, I have been waiting for change in certain areas of the relationship for over 2. All he could say was that he needs more time and if I wait things will continue getting better. This seems alright, but what about after all the talks, stuff improves and then we are back to where we started. Doesn't that mean something if it has been going on for over 2 years!?

 

Then he started saying mean things about himself like how he is a bad boyfriend and will never be a knight in shining armor. Then he bought up Patrick (an old co worker and crush) And he said I am sure you think of Patrick and wish I was more like him etc, etc... I let him know I did not want him to be like Patrick and I hardly think of Patrick since we pretty much seem to not be friends now. So then I asked him if he thought of anyone that way? And he said no. So of course I stood there feeling like a criminal or something.

 

I also told him something I should of long ago. I told him I did not want to do all the cleaning and cooking alone, and that he should help more often. I told him I didn't want to end up like my mother trapped and more than likely in a loveless marriage. And he said "Well I try to help when I can" which is great but what about bigger chores like dishes or lundry? I end up ussually doing those. I also asked him why he never does his lundry and he said he did not know. That sort of upset me so I said "Is it because I do it?" and he said no and then that he did not know. Then he said "Well I think its stupid for me to wash my uniform alone, I have enough money troubles as it is I don't need to spend 2 extra dollars to wash one thing by itself" Again he took it the wrong way. So I meant your lundry and even my lundry, I always wash it together, he could to...

 

Then he started talking about how he is really stressed all the time, has a lot of his mind. Money problems are really getting to him and sometimes it just really exhaust him and he doesn't want to be bothered. He said this is also why he gets distant because of being stressed and stuff. I know where he is coming from I am the same way a lot of the time, but he never wants to talk about this stuff and I am willing to... I told him he could talk to me and he said he didn't want to, because some of it is personal and stuff, so that was kind of confusing.

 

I really don't know what to think, I had to get it out though its the same old that he has heard before...I was kind of worried that he bought up the whole "Why am I here if I am unhappy?" crap again. And I hope he relaizes it is because I believe he is going to change.... He made it kind of seem like as long as we struggle to survive then maybe nothing will change I dunno.

 

I feel lost this morning. And of course I also bought up how I feel lonely and all he could say was "I am sorry to hear you feel lonely" I also ask him how he feels and stuff and he says hes ok, but he won't open up anymore, and it makes me wonder soemtimes if there is more of an issue but he assures me there isn't...

 

Oh and before I forget I bought up the summer I was offered a blueberry scooping job but I did not go because of him. When I told him he started crying and thought I was trying to leave him. Well tons of people go off and work, this isn't the 50s or whatever.... men and woman work now and if need be they can work out of town. So then I said what would you do if I got a loan tomorrow and said I am going to be a nurse or something and he said he would be happy for me, which is good. But I bought up the fact that sometimes I feel held back here or like I lost myself...

 

Since I have moved here I listen to music less, hardly write if at all, don't play many console games, I have become unmotivated, overweight and always worrying... I am just at a loss, I want to stay and see if things improve but what if it takes months or another year.... I don't know if I have it in me or if I can wait that long

 

I need out of my rut to, I want to be motivated, do the things I enjoy and lose some weight....

 

Has anyone gone through this, any advice? As well for the wise people who may read this, do you see any red flags, I am not sure if I do but just thought I would ask.

 

I am just not sure what to do or think, I am really upset by all of this...

[sidehop]

Do you two know where you eventually want to head with this relationship?

 

You two are not exactly old or young, where in the next few years (or for some already) marriage is a possibility.

 

To me you seem to lean more towards a healthy and secure relationship. And it does sound like he's doing his best but he doesn't realize that it takes more effort. I don't mean to put a blame on him completely either but...reading what you wrote, I honestly think there are things that can drastically improve on his part as well as spending quality time together.

 

I also mentioned that I felt we both spend to much time on our computers, and he bought up the fact that its more commen than you think for people to go do their own thing in a relationship. And I know that, but I met it gets to the point where I am over here doing things most of the day and spending time with him might not even pop into my head. I mean isn't that bad?

 

If he's exhausted, he's doing more damage by being on the computer. And it's not that a lot of people are on the computer a lot in general, it's affecting many relationships especially when you have someone that's constantly on the computer away from their loved ones. I was a heavy gamer years ago. Even before a serious relationship I would keep myself away from my family late into the night to play games online.

 

Then he seemed to confuse what I was saying about spending time together, he was like "It sounds like your looking for big events, and I cannot do that." so I asked him what the hell he meant.... He met going out to dinner and movies and stuff. Which is not at all what I meant. I mean more quality time around the home, more time together, that is what I meant.

 

You two stepping away & have a small getaway for the weekend, even if it's not overnight to a place you two never been or like to go alone would be a good break for you two. Just to get out of the normal routines and get something fresh in you two's mind may clear a lot of things up while enjoying each other's company.

 

Our talk opened up some old wounds as well, I started talking about other things. I told him that our sex was improving, which it is... But it sucks that I rarely get off, so I told him that if he wanted maybe we should try other positions, I mean we are young and I am open to the idea. He didn't really say anything to it, but I am hoping he will be willing to.

 

There's no point in bringing up the past, the focus should be on both of you, no one else.

 

All he could say was that he needs more time and if I wait things will continue getting better. This seems alright, but what about after all the talks, stuff improves and then we are back to where we started. Doesn't that mean something if it has been going on for over 2 years!?

 

That's a long time, relationship is a constant work, you can't fix one thing and feel great about the relationship, it's always going to need to be adjusted, sacrificed and changed for the better of two people. If it's not getting better and one person feels bad about the same situation for over two years, something needs to happen.

 

I also told him something I should of long ago. I told him I did not want to do all the cleaning and cooking alone, and that he should help more often. I told him I didn't want to end up like my mother trapped and more than likely in a loveless marriage. And he said "Well I try to help when I can" which is great but what about bigger chores like dishes or lundry? I end up ussually doing those. I also asked him why he never does his lundry and he said he did not know. That sort of upset me so I said "Is it because I do it?" and he said no and then that he did not know. Then he said "Well I think its stupid for me to wash my uniform alone, I have enough money troubles as it is I don't need to spend 2 extra dollars to wash one thing by itself" Again he took it the wrong way. So I meant your lundry and even my lundry, I always wash it together, he could to...

 

This is probably one of the hardest part being a couple especially if you two get married in the future with children. I personally don't believe in traditional roles nor do I believe one person should do specific things. When the load of house cleaning and general responsibilities fall on one person's lap, that burden is going to affect any relationship no matter what. In that sense, he has it really easy at this point. There's only himself and you to take care of (each other).

 

Is it possible the sex is lacking since you're physically (as well as mentally/emotionally) tired because you feel like you're doing all the work? It doesn't have to be where he does specific things, if he can recognize that the house needs picking up and cleaning to do, I'm sure you will feel more appreciated as well as without feeling so tired at the end of the night. Perhaps he needs more encouragement and thank you's? As much as two people living together should accept the fact that such duty should be automatic, it probably will help him get off his butt instead of gaming all night.

 

Then he started talking about how he is really stressed all the time, has a lot of his mind. Money problems are really getting to him and sometimes it just really exhaust him and he doesn't want to be bothered. He said this is also why he gets distant because of being stressed and stuff. I know where he is coming from I am the same way a lot of the time, but he never wants to talk about this stuff and I am willing to... I told him he could talk to me and he said he didn't want to, because some of it is personal and stuff, so that was kind of confusing.

 

Money is a big stress factor but if you tackle each problems in hand, less worrying, less "I don't care and don't want to do anything about it" attitude should become less.

 

You two really need to breakaway and be in a place where you two can open up to each other more so than being at home where a lot of stress is brought back.

[Kumatora]

I really don't know what to think, I had to get it out though its the same old that he has heard before...I was kind of worried that he bought up the whole "Why am I here if I am unhappy?" crap again. And I hope he relaizes it is because I believe he is going to change.... He made it kind of seem like as long as we struggle to survive then maybe nothing will change I dunno.

This is your mistake right here. You cannot change a person- they have to change for themselves. Moving in with someone does not mean that he will change. At least he was honest and said that he will change some things, but not everything you want. These are his flaws that you are gonna either:

 

A. Put up with

B. Walk- it's something you cannot handle for years on end, even if you marry him.

C. BOTH of you working on it... not just one person. (I like sidehop's post how relationships always take work btw.)

 

I do not think it is fair for you to live with him and hope for these changes to magically come. He maybe feeling that you're putting too many expectations on him and that he's not good enough for you (hence his back lashing comments). I do think it's reasonable to talk to him about doing things together, but when you start to criticize him about his lack of help in chores and the sex not being good, he will go into a defensive position... and all of a sudden it's not about him spending less time with you. It's about him not pleasing you, which is why he's asking you to leave. I agree with sidehop that the argument has lost focus and therefore, you both lost the battle. Stay on one topic- don't turn it into a "Oh by the way, you don't do this and this and this!"

 

I do have some questions for you after reading your post:

1. Why did you give up the summer job opportunity? You said it was because of him, but can you specify? Do you work now?

2. How did you word the sex talk with him? Did you actually say to him that you rarely get turned on during it?

[waveseer]

He does what he does the way he does it because that's the way he likes it. He likes that you do his laundry. He likes that he can "tune out" whenever he feels like it. He likes that you will still be in his bed at night while he does whatever he wants all the time. Are you getting my point? He is self-absorbed and I see no indication that he will change any time soon, because he likes being that way, it feels comfortable to him.

 

This is the type of person he is and it's up to you to decide if you can accept that.

[InvisibleWound]

Thank you all so much, I really appreacite the time you all have taken...

 

Sidehop, neither of us want children or marriage, we just want to be together forever, as lovers and companions. I want to stay with him but we both need to be willing to spend more quality time together and stuff. I am not a hard person to live with, he knows this, I don't ask him for a damn thing as far as material stuff goes or even money. I know there is bills to pay and unfortunitly because of the debt on my credit card all these things come first...

 

I want me and him to stay together even if that means he wants to continue working at Burger King and not get a higher paying job, I am fine with this, he enjoys his job, now in a few years that could change, but for a now it is fine. I am a firm beleiver you should like your job not hate it. However, within the next 10 years I would like to have a diploma in something, something I enjoy for I have some sort of career not all this minimum wage part time job crap. I hope we own a house someday and I hope we have a dog, a cat, maybe even a cottage in my hometown..... I'm not sure but these are future dreams I have. He also wants to see us own a house and a better car and have pets and stuff.

 

Yes, a healthy and secure relationship is very important to me, I love this man and he makes me feel safe and most of the time I am happy or don't even think of the problems but they are always there in the back of my mind.

 

If he's exhausted, he's doing more damage by being on the computer. And it's not that a lot of people are on the computer a lot in general, it's affecting many relationships especially when you have someone that's constantly on the computer away from their loved ones. I was a heavy gamer years ago. Even before a serious relationship I would keep myself away from my family late into the night to play games online.

 

I was the same way and still am from time to time, but I have cut out my gaming time drasticly. World of Warcraft was a big addiction we suffered together, now I might play it a couple times a month, because I can't get into it, same as console games. Sometimes though I get upset because he can sit there 5+ hours and play. Now if our guild is running an instance or whatever I do not bug him, but other times I wish he was doing something with me. And there are times I have asked him to do things and he said he couldn't because of whatever he was doing in WoW...

 

You two stepping away & have a small getaway for the weekend, even if it's not overnight to a place you two never been or like to go alone would be a good break for you two. Just to get out of the normal routines and get something fresh in you two's mind may clear a lot of things up while enjoying each other's company.

 

That probably would be a great idea but we don't have much money so we probably would have to get creative!

 

That's a long time, relationship is a constant work, you can't fix one thing and feel great about the relationship, it's always going to need to be adjusted, sacrificed and changed for the better of two people. If it's not getting better and one person feels bad about the same situation for over two years, something needs to happen.

 

I agree, the issues like I said is on both of our shoulders but certain ones are more on his.... I have been waiting patiently and some weeks we have great times and stuff, get along great and do a lot, but not always.

 

This is probably one of the hardest part being a couple especially if you two get married in the future with children. I personally don't believe in traditional roles nor do I believe one person should do specific things. When the load of house cleaning and general responsibilities fall on one person's lap, that burden is going to affect any relationship no matter what. In that sense, he has it really easy at this point. There's only himself and you to take care of (each other).

 

Is it possible the sex is lacking since you're physically (as well as mentally/emotionally) tired because you feel like you're doing all the work? It doesn't have to be where he does specific things, if he can recognize that the house needs picking up and cleaning to do, I'm sure you will feel more appreciated as well as without feeling so tired at the end of the night. Perhaps he needs more encouragement and thank you's? As much as two people living together should accept the fact that such duty should be automatic, it probably will help him get off his butt instead of gaming all night.

 

I also do not believe in traditional roles, I think the stuff we do around here should be a team effort, now I don't mind doing everything alonm from time to time, but it shouldn't be like this all the time... I agree he does have it easy, the most I ask from him lately is if he can throw his dirty clothes in the basket or bring his dirty dishes to the sink, very simple things., while I take care of the rest.

 

Well sex is lacking on both our parts. Sometimes I do not want to have sex because I am tired or in a bad mood. But he rarely wants sex anyways so that ussually is not the case... If I am tired or whatever then I do not initate, but everytime nearly that he wants it, he gets it, but I always don't. I try to say "Love you" more than once a day and hug him and I do say thank you a lot, but maybe not enough

 

Money is a big stress factor but if you tackle each problems in hand, less worrying, less "I don't care and don't want to do anything about it" attitude should become less.

 

You two really need to breakaway and be in a place where you two can open up to each other more so than being at home where a lot of stress is brought back.

 

Yeah money is a huge stress factor because we each make minimum wage and such, but we are getting by even if its living paycheck to paycheck. But yeah we do need to open up more. I ussually open right up, not about everything but I do a great deal, where as he does not seem to as much....

 

Thanks for the advice/comment though, I really appreacite it

[InvisibleWound]

Kumatora, I do not want to change him entirely, its our relationship I want to change... Of course that requires slight change from him but nothing major and he knows this. I am sure he might be feeling stressed from me nagging at him, but I do think hes good enough for me.

 

I feel bad about last night the coversation really got sidetracked but he wanted me to say everything on my mind so he did. I don't think he sucks at sex, he just gets fof before me even when he is trying not to.

 

To awnser your questions....

 

1. I gave up the summer job because when I told him about it, he started crying. He thought I was trying to leave him. Keep in mind I would of been staying at my parents, scooping blueberries with my dad, its not like I would of been with strangers or anything. I personally think he overreacted. Because he got upset I said "oh well" in my head and didn't bother going. I do work now part time at a store that I live close by.

 

2. My boyfriend turns me on. The problem is that I cann't get off from him penetrating me.... He gets off ussually within 3 - 10 minutes, its just not enough time for me I guess. So because of that I ussually do not get off. I was not trying to put all the blame on him but it would be nice to get off too ya know?

[InvisibleWound]

He does what he does the way he does it because that's the way he likes it. He likes that you do his laundry. He likes that he can "tune out" whenever he feels like it. He likes that you will still be in his bed at night while he does whatever he wants all the time. Are you getting my point? He is self-absorbed and I see no indication that he will change any time soon, because he likes being that way, it feels comfortable to him.

 

This is the type of person he is and it's up to you to decide if you can accept that.

 

Waveseer, yeah I see what your saying. Its scary to think of it that way but its true. I always give it time then get back to square one, and I know if things are not to improve the more I stick around the harder it will be to leave. I want to believe he is the one, I love him but these other feelings make it seem like it is not worth it. I suppose though I could give it time again and just leave if things do not change the way we both want them to...

[Kumatora]

1. I gave up the summer job because when I told him about it, he started crying. He thought I was trying to leave him. Keep in mind I would of been staying at my parents, scooping blueberries with my dad, its not like I would of been with strangers or anything. I personally think he overreacted. Because he got upset I said "oh well" in my head and didn't bother going. I do work now part time at a store that I live close by.

 

Are you serious?!

 

He actually cried over you getting a temporary job for the summer? Wow... I'm surprised you put up with his temper tantrum over you finding summer work, because if that was my boyfriend doing that to me, his behavior would of been a big NO-NO with me. I wouldn't put up with a crybaby- I'd tell him to suck it up. What your boyfriend did was manipulation. Not cool.

 

You don't need a man to tell you where you "should" work or live, and him throwing a fit over your own decisions. That's being childish. IMO, after reading this thread he has a lot of serious growing up to do. He acts like a child and treats you like his mother in his own home... not a good relationship. Sadly, I don't think you both were ready to move in together- he can't handle concerns/criticisms/arguments (the fact he cries about things when he doesn't get his way... dude, seriously MAN UP!), doesn't do his share of chores, and definitely does not make time to do personal things with you. IMO, I would not move in with a person who behaves and treats me like this the same way your boyfriend treats you.

 

As waveseer said, "He does what he does the way he does it because that's the way he likes it. He likes that you do his laundry. He likes that he can 'tune out' whenever he feels like it." I wish you the best with this relationship because it needs a tremendous amount of work and listening on both parts.

[Mia_of_Doom]

Good lord, he sounds like guys I've dated (notice the past tense).

 

It's a really bad sign when you've had to talk to this guy so many times about the same things (I read some of your earlier posts) and all he says is "I don't know" or nothing at all. He doesn't retain a word you say, and doesn't feel like he needs to. Why should he, when you stick around and keep cleaning up after him? Waveseer hit the nail on the head.

 

This relationship sounds very one-sided. I'm surprised you've stuck around for three years. I could never live with, much less be with a guy who refused to communicate, let alone clean up after himself.

[InvisibleWound]

Yes he started crying when I told him I was thinking of it. And by the sounds of this beahviour I don't think he would ever want me to just visit my parents for a week lets say? Its rather frustrating. My dad has offered me 2 jobs and I turned them both down, because of my boyfriend. It might be labour outside but its a job. My dad started his new business this year and he only has 1 employee on the payroll and you know what he is paying that guy an hour? 10 bucks an hour, I could of been doing what the other guy is doing, but nope, I stayed because of my boyfriend.

 

I don't feel he rules my life by any means by he definitly has a major impact on my decisions it seems... If for some reason next summer I am jobless my dad already has guranteed me a job, so it makes sense to work with him. I have a job right now but I hate it, but I do it because I need the money...

 

He is quite mature most of the time, but there are times where I just don't know. And he wonders why his last girlfriend cheated on him and left him, it makes me wonder if he was treating her the same way. Though he said apparently he did all the cleaning, she never did.... Of course though I will never hear her side of the story so I just go by what he says...

 

I think I made a mistake of moving in so soon. We met at work and were friends for 2 months or so, we dated for 4 months then I moved in and I have been here since. The moving in could of waited but it seemed likea good idea at the time since we worked at the same job which was in his town anyways.

 

Thank you for responding again. Everytime we talk I always plan in my head to give it time then walk if nothing clearly is going to change and it seems like its past that point. I know why I am here, but a big part of me knows I probably should just leave.

 

I want with all my heart to make this work, but I think its getting to the point now that its just not going to be worth it anymore. The effort this is taking is killing me because half the time I feel like I am in it alone...

 

Again thanks for responding, I appreciate it

[InvisibleWound]

Good lord, he sounds like guys I've dated (notice the past tense).

 

It's a really bad sign when you've had to talk to this guy so many times about the same things (I read some of your earlier posts) and all he says is "I don't know" or nothing at all. He doesn't retain a word you say, and doesn't feel like he needs to. Why should he, when you stick around and keep cleaning up after him? Waveseer hit the nail on the head.

 

This relationship sounds very one-sided. I'm surprised you've stuck around for three years. I could never live with, much less be with a guy who refused to communicate, let alone clean up after himself.

 

Hi, thanks for the reply.

 

Yeah, I know its a bad sign Maybe I need to stop beleiving he is the one he does do some nice things for me... Example my credit card is nearly maxed, I have been making payments when I can... He got a huge income tax refund and gave it all to me to put on my card as a payment and since then he has given me some other money to put on my card. He owned me some money anyways but he way overpaid... if I am nto feeling well he will ask if I need anything and kind of wait on me if I want lol. Those are little things that make me love him so much...

 

But it seems like the bigger things are problems. He has told me he has trouble showing his feelings sometimes and because of his childhood is very distant. He had a rough childhood but I am sick of hearing it, the minute I tried to tell him about mine he didn't seem to care because he thought what he went through was worse, and even if it was, he still could of listened...

 

It does seem one sided a lot of the time. You know what is sad my sister is going through similer but worse issues with her boyfriend and she is thinking of moving back in with my parents. I won't get into her problems but its sad. I have been talking to her a lot lately, we both kind of been a support system for each other and she seems just as broken as me...

 

Hmm, not sure what else to say now... I probably should get out though if things are not going to change anytime soon. He makes it sound like I might have to wait 6 months again for slow improvement, which sucks... But we will see I guess.

 

Anyhow thank you for commenting everyone