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back togather, need help, very lengthy spilling my heart


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Fair warning there is allot of back-story here. First of all let me start by saying I love my girlfriend more than anything else in the world except for myself! We have been whatever for three years come December. Longest relationship either of us have ever been in. For the record here she will be 21 in December I am currently 25. Before we started dating she was in a long term for 2 years so from the age of 16 to 18. Which I'm sure plays allot of factors in this relationship currently. She met me before her boyfriend when she was 16 and was instantly attracted to me from everything I know, I didn't want anything to do with it because I was like 22 and to me not only is that illegal but I just would have had nothing in common with a 16 year old high school girl. Anyways we started working together when she was 17 and she was with her boyfriend. I am was very close friends with her sister and her sisters boyfriend. She was having allot of problems with her boyfriend at the time and anyways we partied together allot at her sister's house and when she broke up with her boyfriend and a few weeks later when she turned 18 we started dating. I have been in a few long term relationships in my life and allot of flings, I've been cheated on and all sorts of stuff so i chose to spend a few years alone to heal myself and become an independent person. I really got use to this life style of living and enjoyed it quite a bit.

Ok so we were together two years and we started having all sorts of problems. First of all those first two years were a bit shaky at first a bit, then things started going great! I got a job as an electrician (her family got me into the union we all worked together). She started complaining that we didn't see each other enough which was valid because I am a man with allot of hobbies or use to be, more about that later. Anyways when I first got in I was working like 40 hour weeks which was fine things were good then I just kept getting all these jobs that were mega overtime like 50 to 70 hours a week, plus commutes and schooling so try 100 hour weeks sometimes, for close to a year! Anyways I decided I was going to quit to go back to school for engineering last summer. We started fighting allot because I was using all my free time to pursue hobbies we probably saw each other a few times a week. I was a real jerk and didn't even realize it, apparently she had been literally crying to her sister for a long time about how I never wanted to see her. One day out of the blue I got dumped I was devastated I thought we were going to get married and all that jazz. She was always asking to move in with me and I told her no I thought I was doing the right thing because she was like 19 and I wanted her to get her life on track without a huge financial responsibility I've been on my own since 16 so I know how hard it can be.

Ok so she broke up with me and I told her I didn't want that and that I did love her very much and wanted to marry her one day and I wanted her to move in with me and I was sorry for the way I acted. She told me she had never been single and wanted some time and all that stuff. I was a mess a needy begging mess, anyways 3 days after she broke up with me she had sex with her sister and sisters bf's roommate (who btw don't know if this matters but is an electrician). I went to her work gave her flowers made her a cd all sorts of stuff and she said she needed more time. I just kept apologizing for being a jerk to her. Anyways that night she told me she had sex with this guy and my heart sank to the ground I felt like everything was bs and she dumped me for this guy idk. She was sober btw. Well anyways fast forward a week I went to LA and had my phone off and the next morning she wanted to get back together and I accepted. She apologized for everything and felt really guilty I told her she was young everyone makes mistakes just don't do it again.

So we got back together for a month. I was a needy wreck so broken I just wanted to see her all the time. She agreed to move in when I asked her. I was seriously a needy * * * * ee guy and was depending on her to fix all the hurt. I figured if she moved in we would be closer and I could trust her that I wouldn't get hurt. Anyways it lasted about a month, and one day we were preparing my house cleaning it and picking stuff up she wanted from my parents we even had sex that afternoon. Well I got dumped again that night she told me she was just scared and felt like her whole life was planned and all this stuff. Once again I was devastated.

So almost 4 months later we are back together wave been together a month. During are 4 month break up she told that guy she had a crush on him like a week after we broke up. He told her they were just friends that it. Well in those four moths they had sex twice from what she told me. Basically we were trying to work things out over a month ago but I just couldn't shake all my hurt and I told her things aren't right I cant trust and I don't want you in my life at all unless you are going to give me 100 percent and after fighting she said ok i will leave you alone, i mean we talked everyday for four months, but when I told her I had a date with a another girl she instantly broke down and told me she wanted to be with me and all of this stuff. So I decided I would try as hard as I could because I love her and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. The thing is I just can't heal my pain. Our relationship is so weird.

First of all she won't tell her family she is with me again. Which makes me feel like she's ashamed of me, she tells me she just doesn't want to deal with their * * * * right now she's not ready for it. Second of all I feel really weird because she does allot of fun things with her sister and her sister bf who also invite there roommate. I don't say a word I can't tell her not to talk to him because then I'd be telling her not to talk to her family. But it hurts me, I would say I have about 85% trust there's nothing going on with the guy but it hurts me and causes me to have panic attacks. She gets pissed at me when I talk to Cindy the girl I went out with a few times though and excepts me to be cool with her and her sis's roommate. If I say * * * * about that she just says what do you think I'm a * * * * * and gets pissy. The reason I still talk to Cindy though is because she's in almost the same situation as me and his back trying to work things out with her ex. She helps me not go physc on my go when I'm having panic attacks which is good for our relationship. Also I always want sex I think this is a needy validation thing, but out sex life sucks compared to what it used to be and it makes me feel like she doesn't want to be connected to me or something. I go out of my way now to be the sweetest guy possible too I feel like maybe I'm unattractive and I'm doing something wrong I have no idea what the sex is all about. Also she is allot more batches words me about the stupidest * * * * and I feel like I make her unhappy. I just want things to be normal I feel like if I act like a jerk again maybe they will be but I don't want to be an * * * * * * * anymore I just want a loving caring relationship. She tryst really hard to make me happy but it's all the small things she doesn't do encore and the lack of sex that make me think she doesn't love me or something I don't know. And the fact she still has to see that guy and I'm not invited cuz she won't tell her family about me. I am oversenative about things now but im so hurt and i really want to make this work i just keep trying to fix things and be the nicest guy possible but it seems like its making things worse.

Honestly i just want a females perspective on what to think about her, and i wanna know how to make her fall head over heals again. I want all the love she use to give me emotionaly and physically.

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I don't think you'll like what I have to say, but in my opinion, the two of you may need a break from each other. A month or two isn't a long time to spend apart, even though it feels like forever. I think the girl needs to figure some things out and I wouldn't want to be around while she does it. People change A LOT from age 18-25, basically because they have to grow up and take on responsibility. It sounds like the girl is growing up and wants to experience other relationships with people. Let her know what life is like without you. You're in school, which is a great place to meet other girls.


Anyhow, you can always try the method of communicating first. Tell her about how you feel and how you didn't realize that you had become so busy earlier in the relationship, where she felt neglected. If you two can't come to a resolution, then I'd recommend a break. You can't make someone not cheat on you or fall head over heals for you. You can always revisit the possibility of getting back together a year or more from now.

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A longer break might've been a good idea before you reconnected, but now that you have, it seems like that ship might've sailed. Maybe if you took a break but committed to each other on some level during the separation????


Assuming you keep going as is, I'm thinking your expectations might be a little too high. You remember how it was when things were at their peak, but it won't go back to that exact thing ever. You're different people now. There's some bad history here. And even if you had just met for the first time, you'd need to build up to that level of intimacy and intensity. So, I'd try to think of it like that---like a new relationship. Let the past go. Focus on the future. Let it build up gradually. Try to keep things light and fun, like they were when you first started dating. Focus on what you can do to make the relationship better and don't worry so much about what she's doing or thinking. Don't try to engineer any particular outcome. Then see what happens.

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