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Weird, distant feelings from ex...


van_city
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Its been 7 months since the end of the relationship, im still not over her. I just looked at a picture of her smiling and happy with a friend, and this inexplicable feeling of sadness overtook me.

 

Its very difficult to describe but it was something like a feeling that she was from a past life, and that i had once known her, and we had once been everything to each other, but that all of that seemed so distant now. Almost like i look upon her and feel strange feelings- like perhaps because i havent seen her in so long that i was able to view her through an objective lens, and this objective assessment brought out foreign feelings of me towards her, that i wasnt used to feeling about her, if you know what i mean...

 

Its like she's a different person to me now, in the sense that she almost feels foreign when i look at her, and that saddens me, maybe because im longing for what was, and it feels as if its slipping away.

 

Does anyone know what i mean?

 

I cant imagine a time when i was with her, it all seems like a dream...

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I know what you mean. I have always felt there was a weird connection between my ex (well we are working on reconcilliation). He says that he feels it,too. He says that he feels this bad prescence or scared when he is not with/around me...he said it is like his heart feels heavy to even leave when I am around. Sometimes I really believe we communicate telepathically - it is crazy - even my friends joke about it. Since our breakup it seems harder for me to "get into touch" with him so I really do understand what you mean. I worried and fretted my life away until one day I was just like if it is meant to be it will be if not it wont. easier said than done I know.

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It is sad, but when a breakup occurs, your task is to really accept it so that you can move on and have a happy life.

 

You need to move thru the stages of grief, just like one does when someone dies, and it is easy to get stuck at a particular stage rather than moving on, especially if you hope to get back together with them.

 

At first there is shock and denial where you just can't believe they are gone, then you go thru a bargaining stage. If you are in contact with the ex, you might try to find way to bargain with them in hopes of getting back together. It could take the form of 'let's be friends' (in hopes friendship will lead to more), or 'can't be just hang out and see where it leads?' if you don't have access to the person to openly bargain with them, the mind can do some weird tricks to bargain with itself... so you can start having feelings like, we were meant to be together even in a previous life. Or 'i know we were meant for each other.'

 

But eventually reality does start to take over, and your brain does, whether you like it or not, acknowledge that the person is in the past and not present part of your life. That is what is happening to you now. You are starting to feel distant because you ARE distant. You aren't together anyomre. But you want to be, so you get this odd duality of feelings, where you still want her, but your brain is trying to let you know it is over. The feelings feel foreign because you have hung on for so long in denial and bargaining with yourself, but your logical brain knows she is gone, and it is trying to help your feelings catch up. So you are starting to feel sad because your brain is finally acknowledging that she is really gone, even if your feelings haven't quite caught up yet.

 

The sad truth is that she will be a stranger to you, because life goes on. So it feels odd to you, but you are healing. It will be a sad period where you really acknowledge and accept it is over and she will not be close to you or part of your life, but that is a good move towards acceptance and healing. When you really let go and accept she is/will be a stranger because you can't freeze life if she has chosen not to be your partner, that is when you will heal.

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One of the thoughts that is haunting me at the moment is imagining the next christmas, the next summer, the next vacation etc. and how it will be without her, and how I had looked forward to doing it all with her, and then imagining her in the picture, seeing me and her playing in the snow, seeing her sitting at a table with my family in Finland on holiday trying the unusual food..

 

It's like this whole life together exists in my mind but I can't be a part of it, and if only things had been different all those wonderful moments and feelings would be real And like whatever I am doing there are ghosts of me and her next to me and I can see what life would be like if we were still together. Instead of me looking at the floor feeling miserable I see me and her holding hands walking down the street

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^^

You have to realize you can have all those happy moments with someone else. Slipping too much into fantasy about what might have been rather than what is is not healthy or good for YOU.

 

People feel they will never be happy again with someone else, but they will and do find other partners they are just as happy with or MORE happy with, because there are usually good reasons why people break up.

 

So recognize that living in the past with too much fantasy is keeping you from find that reality with someone else who loves you. Don't dwell on the fantasies, work on accepting it is over and getting out and doing things that make you happy.

 

Remember that the fantasy makes you temporarily happy, but it is not real... so you need to go thru the sadness and grief stages in order to move on to happiness in future. Learn to sit with your sadness when you feel it, experience it for a bit but don't turn it into a fantasy. After a few moments, remind yourself, that is the past, and get up and do something else to distract yourself and make yourself happy.

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Does anyone know what i mean?

 

I cant imagine a time when i was with her, it all seems like a dream...

 

 

We've been talking about this a little on the No Contact Challenge thread. I think LavenderDove's explanation is right on.

 

I find it deeply disturbing to feel this way about my ex. I think people in mourning go through this. They can't remember their loved one after awhile and feel guilty for failing to tend the flame. I have this irrational feeling that if I keep him in my consciousness, the connection will still be there, but if I let his memory slip away, it'll be gone forever. Like someone who goes to the graveyard every day, thinking that if they don't, their loved one won't come back to life. The truth is, it doesn't matter how much I think about him, or miss him, or even remember him. He's not coming back. LD is right. He's a stranger to me now.

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