Just need to vent dont mind me

[Zeriel]

Hello, first time here, i just need to vent before i do it and clear my head you dont have to read all this lol.

 

First a little about myself. Ive been thinking about suicide since i was a kid, my life has always been pointless, uneventful and very very lonely. I dont have any friends only people i talk to here and there. Never had a girlfriend even tough im 25 years old and i consider myself good looking The thing is i have an inability to relate to people, i am terribly shy and i dont trust anyone. Girls sometimes are interested in me but i cant relate to them even tough i always wanted a girlfriend and i hate they way they act, i feel like im not like everyone else i dont know why maybe is because im always isolated.

 

I live with a family member but we dont talk much so im always in my room, sometimes since i wake up till i go to sleep im in the same place. I study at night only a few days a week, and i dont have a job. Is amazing cause i tought id be insane by now not having any friends or anything but besides feeling comepletely out of relation with people and thinking about suicide every other day trough all my life, im mostly normal.

 

Ive attempted suicide twise already, once i jumped into upcoming traffic i flew like 6 feet into the air but didnt land on my head, so i just couldnt walk for 2 weeks lol. The second time i tried cutting my wrists and take sleeping medicine but i couldnt do it even tough i tried really really hard. I always decided to wait cause you know how life sometimes turns out alright after sometime but i guess for me it never did.

 

Ok so now for the reasons, i guess my reasons are very typical:

 

1.) I want to suicide because i am completely lonely almost all the time, even if there's people around me trying to give me attention i cant contribute much and i cant relate to anyone. What hurts most is never been able to love another person like having a girlfriend. I thought love and companionship are not necessary to live but as time went on it became harder and harder until you realize being completely alone is the same as not existing in the first place.

 

2.) I have no dream or desire or goal, what i am studying right now is not what i want to do im just doing it to make my mom happy. I really dont have anything i want to do or anything i excel at. Finally i guess a life of failure now makes it so i cant hope for anything. Basically i dont have a reason to wake up in the morning or a reason to do anything that i do, this is very typical of people who commit suicide i guess.

 

3.) I guess my last reason to do it is simply because im very tired. Im tired of trying to hope for the best and tired of living without reason. Im tired of feeling pain all the time and of being alone, scared and hopeless.

 

I guess thats it, the only reason i havent done it is because i feel sorry for my mom and dad, i always act so normal that when im gone they wont know what happened. Also, im not one to leave notes ill just find a gun and do it.

 

What saddens me is that suicide has been on my mind since the beginning, even when i always tried to do something with my life i always thought i didnt want to live. So is like suicide was always my destiny from the beginning i guess i just don't know how to live you could say since i cant relate to anyone. Even if i did find a girlfriend and get some company i just cant live relying on one person my entire life i just cant live like that and even if i did if she left me ill be back to where i started.

 

Wow i wrote a lot more than what i tought i could, even if nowone reads this i just wanted to clear my head a little before i did anything. If someone does read this then thank you i cant believe someone would care that much

 

Finally i will not suicide today or tomorrow just know it will be one of these days and needed to organize my thoughts.

 

Thanks a lot thats all.

PS I wont bother to proof read lol

[HopeArises]

Don't do it. We only have one life. Cherish it and make the best of it.

[needadvice911]

I feel the same way as you. I have absolutely no friends. And when I try to make friends with someone, they stop calling or stop coming around, because I am weird, I guess. I can't seem to relate to anyone at all either. And when I read your post, I find something I can relate to you about. We were both isolated. I lived with my mother growing up and she was always upset, angry and acted like she hated me so I spent most of my time in my room. Who raised you? How was your childhood? I think there are people that you can relate to. Are you open to making new friends? Or do you feel like you just dont want to?

[Zeriel]

I feel the same way as you. I have absolutely no friends. And when I try to make friends with someone, they stop calling or stop coming around, because I am weird, I guess. I can't seem to relate to anyone at all either. And when I read your post, I find something I can relate to you about. We were both isolated. I lived with my mother growing up and she was always upset, angry and acted like she hated me so I spent most of my time in my room. Who raised you? How was your childhood? I think there are people that you can relate to. Are you open to making new friends? Or do you feel like you just dont want to?

 

My childhood? Well it was mostly very boring locked in a religious private school and everyone there was rich and cool they had their own little groups of cool people and just so happened i didnt fit in any of them. Then i had a very good friend we did a lot of things together like play video games at my house we would even share lunch and everything. But sadly oneday he suddenly became popular (he lost weight lol) and he joined his own "cool" group. Well long story short i really hated him i was really angry but i guess in reality i was more depressed and i didnt want to hold him back so i never talked to him ever again. After that i was always alone in school sitting in a corner like a retard people didnt even bother to make fun of me lol i was invisible.

 

Then came college same thing, alone in an apartment, no friends it was complete hell i didnt even have a TV. Thats when i jumped into traffic and tried to suicide the first time. Now is basically still the same except i tried going to the gym to stay very fit but i cant still make friends and i cant trust girls so im just the same invisible nobody i always was. I tried talking to people is just i feel so awkward and girls always give me that " * * * " look or the "aw hes so cute reminds me of my little brother crap"

 

Thanks for reading all the garbage i wrote lol i really appreciate it.

[needadvice911]

I don't think it was garbage.. I thought I was the only one that felt this way. In school the only thing different between me and you is people would act like they liked me, and I was so dumb and gullable in high school that i believed anything anyone would say. So most of the time they enjoyed playing pranks and jokes on me only to laugh at me afterwards.I had a best friend too. And we were good friends in elementary school then when high school rolled around she joined the "popular group" as well. Left me behind and all of a sudden thought I was weird. She changed so much that she jumped me in front of my house and tried to beat me up... Only to show people that she didn't like me. I feel like I can relate to you so much. I thought about suicide when I was in second grade. But i have never attempted to do it I would write on my homework, "I wish I was dead." I would write on my school work, "I hate myself and my life" And pass it the teacher. And she would call me to the desk and yell at me and say if I did it again I would be in trouble. Where is the love in this world? I feel like nobody cares.. Is this how you feel? I feel like no matter what no one will truly genuinely care.... I just want to be loved.. I sound so pathetic... Do you think some people are just born to commit suicide? Maybe some people just have these thoughts their entire lives.

 

Did your parents raise you? Both mom and dad?

[Zeriel]

yea ofcourse i would want to have friends is just that nobody has anything in common with me. As for girls i just dont think is a good idea, i dont have a job or a nice car or clothes. their not reliable, and like to spend their time with a lot of guys it would just brake my heart even more lol

[Zeriel]

Well, i never lived with my mom and dad, just my aunt. My mom worked at nights and slept during the day i almost didnt know her, she died when i was like 18. My dad is very nice to me but lives in my moms house. My aunt provides for me food and the house even tough where very poor, i wish i could move i feel like im a burden for her but shes as lonely as i am since my family is only my dad my aunt and me. Yea i know what you mean, i used to dream about finding true love and all that and used to live in a fairy land. But i discovered how things really work and it depresses me. Nobody cares about anyone they just want to have a good time and have sex as much as possible. Sometimes i wish i could be like that, i dont believe there would be real love in this world people only care about themselves in a relationship. The tought of finding my special somoene always comforted me but i guess now im not so gullible like i once was =(

 

By the way do you have messenger?

[needadvice911]

yes, i do have messenger... can you email me on the forum because I cant find where to contact you on your profile

[wormholeworthy]

completely feel you, have tried to suffocate myself numerous times. I would be by beauty standards considered beautiful; but my mind has failed me. My heart has turned to lead, I used to thrive and feel creative alone, felt human connections; and now at twenty i feel completely, utterly hopeless and alone. I don't understand how these things can happen to good people, I would do anything for loyal companionship, or refrain back to my personal heaven of early childhood; I guess not tolerating poor treatment from friends has caught up with me. My lack of connections has instilled extreme social anxiety; I have a feeling I won't live long.. this depression has taken its toll; I have lost my pride in my personal value and ego. im sorry for my venting!

[Zeriel]

completely feel you, have tried to suffocate myself numerous times. I would be by beauty standards considered beautiful; but my mind has failed me. My heart has turned to lead, I used to thrive and feel creative alone, felt human connections; and now at twenty i feel completely, utterly hopeless and alone. I don't understand how these things can happen to good people, I would do anything for loyal companionship, or refrain back to my personal heaven of early childhood; I guess not tolerating poor treatment from friends has caught up with me. My lack of connections has instilled extreme social anxiety; I have a feeling I won't live long.. this depression has taken its toll; I have lost my pride in my personal value and ego. im sorry for my venting!

 

Yea my feelings exactly if i could find someone i could trust maybe things would be different but who am i kidding, we live in a world where you cant trust anyone, the more innocent they look the worst they are lol. I dont know what to do anymore ill have 500$ dollars this month and ill either buy depression meds or a gun lol. But i still think even if i have a happy pill nothing would change i wish i was born in a time where love and trust meant anything *sighs*

[Romy_my_name]

u know, I am so tired of my emotions, that I sleep a lot, just to escape it.

 

And yes, death is a solution. But I have kids and so I have to keep on with the unbearable suffering.

 

I remember watching a russian movie once - in it, just as someone was going to jump, a friend said - life is only for a short time - death is forever.

 

I guess whatever makes us that miserable will eventually end anyway. Death will bring us peace eventually anyway.

 

So, look at life as just temporary and therefore in a way meaningless.

 

Bcz it is temporary, u know that yr suffering will end.

 

In the meantime -try to find solutuions. FIGHT YRSELF.

[jovie]

Romy, that was insightful thanks for sharing that.

 

To the original poster, i know exactly how you feel. I have trouble relating to people also and gradually started withdrawing from people & social situations to the point now that i pretty much don't have any friends. I don't see anybody but my family. I have trouble trusting people also and did not have a relationship til i was 23 and that ended in heartbreak & rejection so now i just want to stay alone. I guess it's kind of comforting to know that others are experiencing the same things even if it means you just have someone to talk to about it.