Dating

[Mimori]

I wouldn’t take my word by law, but this is may be an interesting read for some of you.

 

Prologue

A received an IM earlier today asking my opinion on dating… I realized I was covering a lot of topics that I’ve seen here on ENA, so I figured I’d write it out in a more formal manner and share with this community. I hope you might find this useful!

 

Introduction

You ever realize how the bookstore has an entire section about dating and tips? The internet is crawling with websites that offer “generalized” and stereotypical responses to what a male or women should do. A lot of the times, they degrade the truth and only show us how manipulative the dating field can become.

 

There is an awfully lot of things I wanted to cover when writing this, so I do apologize that this will be quite lengthy. Feel free to scan over sections that are irrelevant to what you’re searching for.

 

What am I after?

 

You can look at Dating as a game perhaps. Or a compromise would be a better term. When you’re entering the dating scene you need to identify what is your ultimate goal?

 

1. Love- Which I believe is everyone’s goal in the end… (sometimes the beginning)
   
2. Dating- Exclusive. You want to know this one person for the possibility it may change to love, marriage, or a great experience to write down in the book.
   
3. Casual Dating- No one really exclusive or serious, just having a few different people around and “checking” out the scene.
   
4. Friends with Benefits- No relationship or dates, pure sex and intimacy while still being able to hang out and chill with each other. (No commitments)
   
5. One Night Stands- No relationship or dates, purely sex and intimacy.
   
6. Open Relationships- Similar to Casual Dating; however you see the person more often and know they aren’t being exclusive.
   

 

We all know about the different forums and what they are. I only briefly wrote down quick summaries of them. But if you’re able to identify what your goal is, and what you’re looking for, you’ll be better suited to finding someone who is after the same goals.

 

I do disagree however with using false pretenses, tricking, lying, deceiving, or manipulating someone into getting what you’re after. (Example Not telling the person beforehand that you were just after a One Night Stand or suggest Friend with Benefits when you had sex too soon).

 

Be honest. There are many people out there looking for different things. There’s no reason to hurt someone who isn’t after what you are… This basically leads into incompatible partners, cheaters, players, etc. Be aware that there are many different types of people in this world. You need to respect yourself and stay strong in your morals. As long as your happy and content with the way you live your life, then there is no wrong in it (Of course this is assuming your being honest with people).

 

But now that you have an idea of what type of relationship you’re after, what would you see in a potential partner? What do you look for? Are you being too particular or picky? Are you being too easy? What are your deal breakers? When do you call it quits and know this isn’t working?

 

When entering the dating scene, a lot of the times you have to come off confident, yet not egotistic and full of yourself.

 

I’m by no means saying that people who are insecure aren’t able to find a relationships (We all have insecurities), but it does support a long lasting relationship and a healthy one if you find out and control your insecurities.

 

Don’t pretend to be someone your not.

 

A lot of people I know will put on a full out act the first few weeks to win their partner.

 

Once they feel that they have them interested and attached, they start to fall back onto their original personalities… And thus, you have people who wonder, “Who did I get involved with? This isn’t the person I wanted to date!” Eventually your real character will always reveal itself. You shouldn’t hide who you are. It’s deceiving and only leads to negative results. Be proud of who you are. You’re unique. Don’t be afraid to show your silly, weird, obnoxious personalities, let it sore… Your be in a much healthier and happier place if you stopped putting on a charade and trying to pretend your perfect. Acknowledge and accept your faults.

 

Granted though, some of those faults need to be improved on before (I feel) it’s right to enter a relationship.

 

1. Trust and Honesty: Are you able to trust someone else with your heart and feelings. Are you able to tell them truth, even over the smallest of matters? I’ve been through a lot of relationships where the guy would lie over where he was (like being at home sleeping when he said he was at work).
   
2. Clingy- Getting too attached and wanting too much attention… Especially too soon. Girls and guys are both at fault in this category. An easy solution would be to find another way to occupy your time. Hobbies, friends, School, Work, Exercise, etc.
   
3. Depression: I feel like it’s a bad time to look for an exclusive relationship when your depressed. It doesn’t feel fair to me. A person who’s depressed is a lot of baggage and work. They deal with so many mood swings and feelings, the relationship would feel like a full time position. A person whose depressed needs to work on those root feelings causing the problem, they need to recognize what they’re missing and try to find the voids in their life. Some people need medication to overcome depression… I came over mine with will power and dedication. I started to look at life in different perspectives and found the one that worked for me. There’s nothing wrong with you when you’re depressed, and you can still find happiness in a partner. But a lot of the times you become sensitive, distrusting, worried, clingy, etc. Towards your partner and not even realize your doing it. Be careful if you’re entering a relationship when you’re depressed… With the possibility the relationship may end, will you be able to handle a break up?
   
4. Distant- A lot of the times people “act” distant to not appear clingy. But guess what, this will have an opposite result half of the time. You can’t be too distant to the point you don’t seem interested… That’s what you get the threads on here about “Does he like me? Why isn’t he talking to me more? Why doesn’t he want to stay over? Etc etc”. Of course, being Distant can also be seen as a RED flag. Meaning, a potential deal breaker... The person who became distant may be even considering leaving the relationship. I’d be careful when playing games like this. They can easily be misinterpreted and ruin a good thing.
   

 

And the list could go on. You need to acknowledge your fears and insecurities. Don’t jump to conclusions. Be careful but the point of dating is to enjoy yourself, in my opinion. Don’t concern yourself with the What If’s. Take everything as an experience, learn from your experiences, and enjoy your life. Fight for what you’re after and ultimately, find the happiness you’re looking for.

 

Life is short. You shouldn’t be here reading about dating, it’s much greater experience being out there.

 

You know when something is wrong. You know when something is right. Do what feels right in your own heart. Check out my article: Have faith in your decisions, if your insecure about the choices you make.

 

Some more food for thought:

 

Your Life SHOULD NOT revolve around your partner. You need to always keep a part of your personality aside. If your always there for someone else’s beck and whim you may lose who you are in the process… trust me, you’d be in a much more depressive state if things ended… not knowing where to turn and feeling grief and regret that you did something wrong.

 

Abusive- Never stay in a abusive situation. This could mean Physical or mental abuse. If your partner is harming you or saying rather crude things about you. Don’t allow yourself to be hurt any longer. There are millions of people in this world! Don’t let them trick or scare you into believing you have to stay. No matter what the variables (circumstances) are you don’t have to stay. If the abuse is dangerous please seek authority help in this matter. Harassment charges or Abusive ones should be reported to your local police department… Sometimes it’s needed to get a restraining order (there are some crazy people out there…), and sometimes you may need to think about changing your number. Be careful.

 

Don’t let your relationship turn into an obligation. Insecurities such as: Jealousy tends to make everything feel more like a job.

 

Compromise. Try and be as understanding and rational about your actions. Don’t act on impulses… They usually lead to negative results.

 

Communication- always works on the communication in your relationship. You should feel comfortable with expression your feelings and concerns with your partner. Don’t stay if your being ignored, no one likes to be ignored…and it’s just another way that you could be an abusive (unhealthy) relationship.

 

Try and not be blind sighted. It’s great if you’re able to overlook someone’s flaws. But don’t allow those “fluffy” feelings you for someone blind sight you into believing things will be okay.

 

Breakups- Check out the break up forum in this case.. No contact is one of the higher suggested “healing tools”.

 

Enjoy yourself!

 

Don’t try and grow up too fast. And don’t rush your life into marriage or unhappy situations. Don’t let people push you into things you don’t want… Let someone be there for you when you realize you don’t need anyone but yourself to be happy…

 

Have fun!

 

Again I’ll mention try and not to worry about the what if’s and if your doing the right thing. Just try your best. As long as you’re honest, open and loyal… Your doing a better job then a lot of people. (trust me on that one).

 

Keep your head up and remember you’re unique and perfect the way you are. The challenge is finding the other person who agrees

Relationships can be a great and horrible thing all in one. But no pain no game right? Learn to laugh at those mistakes you make and grow from them. We all have to go through the pain at some point, but your luckier then a lot of people; you have an entire community made of people around the world ready to give you their opinion and advice on any problem.

 

Listen to them. A lot of these posters are brilliant…and it’s fascinating on how similar our cultures and beliefs are…

 

Look at the good and the bad. Don’t blind yourself into falling into the trap of only looking at what “appears” obvious to you. Try and put yourself into the other persons shoe…and basically, treat others the way you want to be treated (as corny as that sounds).

 

Eventually. You’ll find someone who makes you smile, and all you want is to return the favor. Good luck to all you dream birds.

Conclusion:

 

Basically. Know what you’re looking for, recognize if you’re ready, breath and react with as minimal impulse reactions as possible, trust, be honest, and go after what you want is the moral of my post.

 

Hope someone found this intriguing at the very least. I had fun spilling out my thoughts…even if they’re a little random.

[EQD]

i like this post. its good.

[Mimori]

i like this post. its good.

 

Thanks EQD, I appreciate it.

 

And to anyone else, feel free to post your opinions and suggestions...

[Mimori]

i like this post. its good.

 

Thanks EQD, I appreciate it.

 

And to anyone else, feel free to post your opinions and suggestions...