I think there might be hope?

[Lavender25]

Yes, it's me again and I'm starting a new thread. It would be easier to keep my entire story in one place but I think this is almost a new topic....

 

I've been in NC for over a month now. I saw the ex at the bar the other night. We ignored each other. It wasn't anything I didn't expect... we've been off and on for over 6 years so this is pretty typical.

 

I want there to be hope... but at the same time I don't want to go through this again. Last night I was wondering if there was still hope or if I'm in denial and holding onto something that isn't even there. For those of y ou that remember, when my ex broke up with me two months ago I asked him if it was REALLY over this time. I asked him on two different occasions. Both times he told me that he "couldn't say forever. He couldn't predict the future. Not to worry if we did or didn't get back together and whatever happens, happens." I stumbled accross a play that I wrote the last time we broke up almost 4 years ago. In the play I used excerpts of actual conversation between us during the break up:

 

Girl: What are you saying?

Guy: I feel like you never understood me.

Girl: How can you tell me that when half the time YOU don't even understand the things that you do?!

Guy: I want someone that I get along better with. Someone that I don't feel the constant tension that I feel with you.

Girl: Of course you feel tension! Our last three conversations have been arguments because you want to "try someone new."

Guy: Look, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Girl: How can you say this? We were doing great just a few weeks ago! Then last week you said you were too busy for a relationship and now you're saying you want to try someone new. You keep changing your mind! How do you know that a few months from now you won't be changing your mind again, like you've done three times before!

Guy: I'm tired of arguing with you.

Guy: As far as I'm concerned, we're over.

 

Two weeks after the break up he was dating someone else and I thought it was completely over. They dated for 6 months. It was hard and there were periods of NC/LC... and a year later we were back together and were together for almost 3 years.

 

And now I'm here again. And he gave almost the same reasons (but in a better tone this time, lol). I feel almost embarrassed to say that I hope he comes back. The thing is that if he thinks he can put me through this again then he's wrong.... the next time would have to be the last time and he would have to promise that to me. Neither one of us really believes in "marriage" but I feel like he'd have to propose and promise to spend the rest of his life with me for me to even consider trying again.

 

I feel like I'm caught in this cycle that never ends. BUT I did see someone the other night that I thought was pretty attractive and I'm thinking about giving it a shot. THAT would be something I haven't really done before. Maybe it would break the cycle? I'm sure it would shock the HELL out of the ex.

[pumpkinmoon]

When you say hope, hope for what? If you mean for getting back together, and this is typical behaviour as you say then it is quite likely that he might come back again. How long did it take him to come back after he finished with that other girl? The question is whether you are willing to put up with him breaking up with you over and over. This is a situation I am in now. I have taken him back twice, if he breaks up with me again then it will be for the last time.

[trezeralietas]

I think seeing someone else is a brilliant idea, if you feel comfortable with it. I have been in the same cycle and ultimately he left again. It doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship, and it seems you could do so much better. Try something else for a while and see what that's like. It sounds like there is always the future to try things with the ex if you find yourself still wanting that relationship. But, I have a feeling that once you date someone else and see what a committed, caring man is like, you won't want your old guy back. However, don't date someone else just to get back at your ex or shock him. Do it for yourself. You are worthy of someone who won't treat you like a yo yo.

[Lavender25]

The last time the break up lasted for about a year. He dated the other girl for about 6 months and a few months after that he and I started spending a lot of time together and it kinda turned into FWB until I told him I wanted a relationship. He said he didn't want one (it was a HUGE argument and he said some mean things) and I went into NC immediately for 2 months.

 

In that 2 months I started dating another guy but quickly realized that they guy wasn't right for me. I called the ex and told him that if he'd just apologize to me then everything would be OK. I wasn't trying to get back with him at this point, I just needed a friend. Within the next month we were in a relationship... it was COMPLETELY unexpected.

 

When I say HOPE, I do mean hope for a reconciliation. It's weird, though. I'm at the point where I hope that he comes back but I'm also not waiting for it. Like I said, if someone else approached me and there was something there I wouldn't say "Oh, no, I can't be in a relationship because I'm waiting for my ex..." I would go for it.

 

A lot of the advice that I've gotten says that they ALWAYS come back, but usually it's when you won't want them anymore. I don't know if I'll ever get to that point where I won't want him anymore but it's really scary to feel your feelings for someone die inside of you. Especially when it's your first love.

[Lavender25]

I would never date someone just to use them. I wouldn't be able to handle knowing that I've hurt someone like that.

 

I'm not sure if I'm ready yet, but I might be in the next month or so.

 

Thing is that I've been facebook/myspace stalking the new guy and from what I can tell, his interests are SO MUCH like the ex's. It's a little disturbing...

[Mimori]

I wouldn’t suggest dating this new guy (at the end of your post) under the circumstance of how your ex will react. I personally don’t like to treat dating as a game or form of revenge I should say. If you’re interested in this guy, then by all means pursue it. Otherwise you need to work on letting go of your ex boyfriend.

 

You recognize that you’re in cycle, and that’s healthy. But don’t allow him to crawl back to you this time. Have respect for yourself and learn from past mistakes. History tends to repeat itself…no matter how much we try to deny and throw in the new variables of our lives. Nothing much has changed in your ex and you. You break up, he doesn’t want you, comes back when it doesn’t work out elsewhere… You’re the back up-until he finds someone he’s more interested in.

 

I’ve been in your shoes once. But I didn’t allow it to continue past the second “official break up”. We were in a LDR, I cared about him deeply and moved accross the country for this man. However, he’d call and tell me he couldn’t handle it anymore and would dump me…I’d call back pleading and begging asking questions…and we’d be together again within the hour. It was tiresome. He broke up with me while I was living with him-his mum kicked me out of the house. (The story is a lot more twisted then what I’m listing…but these are the parts that relate most to yours… He told me he didn’t want me anymore, that he wanted something else…that school and work was too much… so many excuses that sounded like his mother (or now, sounds like a fear of commitment). The second time we got back together-I let him know this is it. If he leaves me again…I’m gone. And load and behold he started behaving and trying to keep our relationship a secret from his family… lying to them about me and where he was going… laying all the blame on me behind my back… till finally I got fed up and confronted him, and we broke up… I left the state and never talked to him again (that’s a bit extreme but you’d understand if you knew the whole story).

 

You can’t allow people back into your lives on/off. It’s highly unhealthy…and chances are, unless the both of you have changed dramatically and are willing to work on the communication and start over the second time as if you were a new couple…then it won’t work. History will just repeat and you’ll never move on from the cycle… It’s crummy, especially when you care about someone but want to hate them at the same time for leaving you so often…

 

Don’t let your ex back into your life every again sweetie. It’s not worth the pain he’ll cause you. Find someone who is going to make you happy and not leave you because they got “bored” or wanted “something new”.

 

Best of luck.

[Lavender25]

Everything you're saying is making sense and I don't want you to think that I'm not listening because I am.

 

It seems weird every time we break up because it's always so sudden. Things are great and then they start to get rough and instead of him wanting to talk it out with me, he starts bringing up a bunch of little things from WAY BACK and wants to end the whole thing. Sometimes if feels like a few of his friends know about us breaking up before I even know (his friends getting too involved in the relationship was a HUGE factor this time around).

 

One of the reasons he gave this time was that it had gotten too stressful. We had been living together for just over a year and the landlord didn't want to renew our lease because he wanted to live in our apartment because he was getting a divorce. The ex had been having financial difficulties for the last 6+ months, was working a job he hated, had no mode of transportation, wanted to get back into school but didn't have any money... so many things. We made the decision to move back in with our parents (we're both 22 btw) and then the next day it was over.

 

Like I said, I've been in NC but I've heard that he's making a lot of weird changes in his life. He quit smoking, quit the job he hated and is now only working his guitar lesson job, is trying to get back into school for the next semester, etc. I sometimes look at his facebook (I know, bad!) and he's been writing these notes about how much he has learned about himself in the last month and how he's glad his friends and family have been there for them... things that really hurt me because it sounds like he is SO GLAD that I'm not there even though I did everything that I could to support him during his rough patch. I pushed him to fill out financial aid forms for school, I paid his half of rent when he couldn't and helped him find a new job, I gave him rides to work and so on...

 

When I ran into him at the bar he was also dressed differently... I can't help but wonder if he's just going through this crisis right now and dumping me was part of it? Some people near to him have said that the break up wasn't about me but more about him wanting to be single and to get his * * * * together...

 

I dunno. I'm really confused and I feel as though I'm just rambling now.

[Lavender25]

I guess what I'm hoping is that if he IS soul searching and REALLY trying to find himself and get his life together, maybe he'll finally learn that a relationship needs communication and he needs to communicate his issues about the relationship to me so we can work on them and not his friends.

 

I'm a little peeved because one of the last things I told him was that he needed to open up more. Now he's off and having these "epiphanies" and opening up to everyone EXCEPT for me. Even his facebook has been changed to "I have finally learned to open up and have been tremendously rewarded."

 

Why do we always hurt the ones that love us the most?