Complicated, please help!

[ewd113]

My boyfriend and I had a major fight last night and he broke up with me. We are both 24 and living together in an apartment. It turns out, that I had caught him in a lie, and instead of fessing up about it, he got defensive and shut down. [The lie: I called him one day after work to say hello, and he didn't answer or call me back for 20 minutes, because he said he was "talking to his dad, who found out why his car was broken." At the time, I thought nothing of it, but I discovered from a mutual friend later that night that my bf's friend had actually texted/called him to talk about the bachelor party my bf went to the previous weekend. I have an issue with strippers, and my bf and I have had MANY conversations basically reassuring me that nothing would happen with him and a stripper. It's possible that he didn't want to say he ignored my call to discuss the bachelor party because it didn't want to hurt me.]

 

Last night, my bf received a call from his father, and completely forgetting about the lie he told me, asked his father "What's wrong with the car?" It was obvious they had not talked the day before as he said he did, and I asked my bf if he had told me the truth, and when he said yes, I asked to see his cell phone for the proof. He refused to admit he had lied, which was all I was looking for. All hell broke loose, and he stopped talking to me, told me to "f*** off" and said we're broken up.

 

Here are the complications.. We had been together for 2.5 years, and have known each other for almost 6. Our relationship has not been easy, as we both have big tempers, and when we fight, he likes to ignore me, not talk for 3 days and then never discuss what happened to just move on. When I get upset, I would prefer talking until 6 in the morning until it's all resolved. We both realize how we handle anger is not healthy, and it's something we've been working on. Honestly, I've believed that our relationship has been progressing, and slowly, we've been getting better about respecting each other's wishes when angry, and attempting to meet in the middle. I believe he is the love of my life, and I can't see myself moving on or being with someone else. I'm scared he is truly breaking up with me and we'll no longer be together.

 

I don't know what questions to ask specifically here, because honestly, I have too many to ask. Any advice is welcomed, please.

[SRTtoZ]

To me this is really dumb to break up over...

 

Its a little white lie to be honest...not that I condone it, but I will tell you its probably better you did NOT know about the strippers. Its a bachelor party...its going to happen. Only reason why I mention this is because I was best man this year and ran the bachelor party for my best friend (groom). His GF/Fiancee told me NO strippers...but cmon its a BACHELOR PARTY!! We all went out, had drinks, went to a strip club and whatnot...had so much fun. He told her he wasnt doing that, but we did...and the next day he told her everything because he didnt wanna hold out on here. She was COMPLETELY fine with it...and said whatever its over now! They have been together for 5-6 years and are the best couple I know.

 

Moral of the story...something like this shouldnt ruin a relationship. If it does...there are underlying problems.

[fragmint]

99.999 % of people never change their ways. you both have hot tempers and he gets defensive , doesntwant to work things out and blows up. i doubt things will change if you guys get back together - maybe its best that its 'over now'. i mean if he would rather break up with you (whether he means it or not later) than just tell you he lied i think thats really selfish and childish behavior. he's being defensive and acting like YOURE the one in the wrong for pointing out that he lied by making it a big deal.

 

sometimes its better to move on

[savannahohsavannah]

I think staying up till six to talk things out is healthy! There is an old saying that you should never go to bed angry. I think your big red flag here is that you caught him in a lie and he got angry and defensive.

 

Many of the big notorious spousal murder cases are thought to have begun when the wife/gf caught the man in a lie and he reacted violently. If your boyfriend is a sociopath, which I don't know really, that is a big thing. Sometimes the lies someone tells that get caught really point out to a whole pool of lies that have never been caught. What you have to do is determine if your bf lies to you constantly, or did he do it this one time because he knew you would be mad about strippers and he wanted to go out with his friends.

 

If you really can't abide strippers and he must have them, I think you have a problem here. It's all about zeniths and nadirs in life and relationships: when they don't mesh, sometimes it's only a wait until someone really gets upset and bails over something the other partner has done.

 

Hugs,

Savannah

[ewd113]

I truly believe that the lie he told was because he wanted to protect me, that he didn't want to hurt my feelings when he ignored my call to discuss the party. Unfortunately, I realize this AFTER I asked him if he lied to me and after we broke up.

 

I understand the whole "bachelor party & stripper" thing, and although it has taken me some time to accept it, I was okay with my boyfriend going. He promised that he didn't do anything that he wouldn't mind me doing, and I believe him. During our fight, I was worked up because he lied. I wish that I hadn't gotten upset, and if I hadn't we probably wouldn't be broken up.

 

I think our issues steam from how we react when we are angry. Easy to say, but when we aren't fighting, we are absolutely perfect for each other. Sometimes, we fight over dumb things and it escalates because of how we react to each other when fighting.

 

I'm blaming myself for even getting upset that he lied in the first place. How will I know if he is just angry and needs time, or if he has had enough of our fighting and truly wants to move on?