I just don't know....

[metwo]

So, I have cut myself a few times in the past... usually when i can't find any other outlet for my frustration or whatever.... but... tonight... I really cut myself up alot... and it felt and feels so good right now... My mind feels so serene... I know that this isn't good... but... It seems that alot of things in my life are coming to a head now... My current boyfriend... treats me like total crap... he mentally and emotionally abuses me.... i know this.. and i know what i would be saying to someone... get rid of him... but i don't want to.. i just want him to understand what he is doing to me. I had a talk with his father today...told him some of the more recent verbal abuses... he doesn't understand why i let it happen. I feel like... if we can just get through to him... to see how he is acting.. that he will change...but i know what you will all probably say... I think i know that it is me that allows this to happen to me... My last boyfriend... before this one.. was physically and verbally abusive to me every single day... from day one...for 7 years... you would think i'd learn my lesson? I guess not... So I was thinking that maybe I like to feel so down? And I don't mean down like... sad... I mean like... I think I think of myself as what these people have told me my whole life... before them... it was my mother... i think i really just don't know how to be happy? like seriously... i really can't remember the last time i was truly happy? i think it was around the time my daughter was born.. I do feel contentment. When I am with my daughter.. but that is the only time... and there is always something in the back of my head making me hate myself....

[SapphireNoir10]

Could you go to counselling?

 

Think of your daughter. You need to get help here. Either see your doctor or see a counsellor. You CAN feel ok again without hurting yourself, it may take time and effort but you can.

 

Could you and your bf go to counselling together?

 

Sometimes it is better to walk away and hurt for a while than to stay with someone and hurt forever.

 

And dont hate yourself, what is their to hate? you've done nothing wrong here, you have a daughter that loves you.

[-Sanguine-]

The first sentence you wrote sent shivers down my spine.. my best friend used to cut and it was a difficult experience. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I think you should really get some help for the cutting before it hurts you even more. My friend saw a counsellor with whom she discussed her problems and she felt a lot better.

 

As for your abusive boyfriend, well you already know what others would tell you to do.. you have to get out of the situation. He's not going to change - he's not going to see what he's putting you through and you're probably not going to get through to him.

I'm sorry to say it. I tried to change a guy once, and I only got hurt. It's just a downward spiral until you can pull yourself out. Seriously, seek some help. I think that's what you should start with..

[Esteller]

yea cutting feels good at first but later in the future when you find happiness your going to look at those scares and tell yourself you cant believe i did that. i see your point in trying to show him what he is doing and there is nothing wrong about that... but you can only just hope.. you cant change him.. he has to change himself. and if he refuses and you finally give up.. you know what you got to do.. stay strong and move on.. a step at a time.

[mandyc]

Read The Secret... at first it sounds like a load of b.s. But it talks a lot about the law of atraction, and how you bring everything into your life, whether good or bad, by the way you think about yourself and the world.

 

I used to cut too... and still have huge urges sometimes. But I found another release that still hurts but doesn't leave the scars, you can pm me if you want to know, but I don't want to give out ideas like that to everyone.

 

Hang in there hun.

[divainpain]

I would suggest spending as much time with your daughter as possible and less with the abuser. This will lessen the time of feeling sad. As you said, you feel better with her.

 

And you helped me out a lot yesterday on my post. I wish I knew more about the need to cut. But is there a way to cry it out more? I find it relieves so much agony but you have to take the time to cry it ALL out.

[mandyc]

trezz the author is Rhonda Byrne. It is a really good book, a little hard to believe and swallow at first, but it is amazing if you give it a chance.

Here's a quote from it that kind of goes with this topic:

"Without exception, every human being has the ability to transform any weakness or suffering into strength, power, perfect peace, health, and abundance."

[metwo]

I just don't know how to be happy... And, I really want to be...

[metwo]

I called this place yesterday.. they have free counseling for people... she starts asking me some questions..i'm telling her.. then she says... just to let you know if there is any abuse involved what so ever i have to contact department of social services since there is a child involved... what the hell kind of crap is that? what the hell? I can't even talk to someone about something without even worrying about something else happening... and you know what? i have this feeling.. that if i go anywhere.. and say anything..something else can happen to me.. either they figure i need to be institutionalized or they take my daughter away from me more... i just don't freaking know where to go for help now... all i want is someone to take some of this burden off me... when i talk about things i feel much better.. more focused... less weight on my back..but i'm afraid that if i need medication or something like that..then its just going to do something bad for me.. lifewise... because it seems like everything i do...affects my life so negatively.. and most of the time.. i'm doing it because i think its the right thing to do.

[divainpain]

Oh I really feel for you. It is so sad that you can't talk about the abuse since you have a child.

 

I have those circumstances also. That is why I'm on this site. I can't get help from a councilor or fear my beloved kids will be taken from me.

 

The only way to get actual counciling is if you portray the abuse as sort of a 'disrespect'. But it sucks you can never vent the actual abuse to a councilor.

 

Your best bet is to just dump the boyfriend and then get counciling for real.

 

You're lucky not to be married to the guy and you can just dump him. This is a gift.

[metwo]

so what the heck am i supposed to do? i feel like... if i can just talk to someone who understands how i feel that i can get over my self i guess... I don't want to feel like this.... I know i'm being selfish...but.. I want to do whats good for me... it's taken me a long time to realize that..but now i want to help myself..and it seems like i can't even talk to a professional about things

[divainpain]

You can talk to a professional once you dump the abuser. You must choose. If he loves you, he'll wait until all your counciling is finished. But by then, you might not want him back.

[trezz]

hello metwo... i want to do whats good for me. that is brillant, any ideas what that is? thats one question i can never answer and then i feel like a fool.

maybe you have an idea?