Does No Contact Method Work in Long Distance Relationships..

[bowski]

I sometimes wonder if the no contact method works in long distance relationships. Since you arent in constant physical contact with each other in the first place, cant it make it easier for them to forget about you since they dont see you everyday. I havent talked to my ex in two weeks and cant see her calling me and just moving on because of the fact that we dont live in the same state and the fact that she probably has no desire to talk to me after feeling so smothered by me. She hasnt been emotionally into the relationship for a while and wasnt into talking for the last few months of the relationship because of my smothering and jealousy. People keep telling me to give her some space and that things will get better after she is done living up the college life and graduates in a few weeks. Im just a little confused on what to do, because of the distance between us. i have posted my story previously about what lead to the breakup.

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[Athena]

Hi Bowski,

I think the answer to you question comes down to what YOU expect no contact to accomplish. Seems there are two camps on the subject, 1 is that no contact is about getting mentally stable and healthy and healed from the emotional hit you've taken, the other is to use it as a tool to get the other person back, which I personally do not believe it is an effective method for that desired result. Most things I've read say that less than 15% of "take a break" relationship ever end up back together again. Based on those odds, it seems to me that its a better idea to figure out how to get yourself well.

 

That said, if you are using it to get yourself well, the fact that it was a long distance relationship will make no contact easier easier for you.

 

-A

[bowski]

Well i really want to get my ex back and am using this as a tool in that sense. But i am afraid that by not calling her i will just fall out of her mind. I want to get myself better as well but i dont want to give up on getting her back yet. My thinking was that by leaving her alone, she would realize she missed me and miss what we had. I had also hoped this would settle in once she was out of college (3 weeks from now) and away from all the distractions and partying she was doing. Things have been bad in our relationship for a while but mainly because of my own insecurities and clingingness. Should I give her some space or call her once in a while.

[michou]

i am in the same situation as u bowski. i wonder if nc works in a long distance relationship..? wonder if anyone else has been in this situation?

[kadvati79]

Im just a little confused on what to do, because of the distance between us.

 

The distance between you that should be concerned with is not the physical but the emotional. You have been smothering her, and she has asked for space. Now who really knows why she has asked for space, it might be to soften the blow, it might be because she just really wants space!

 

How do you make someone happy? Give them what they want. How do you make someone respect you? Give them what they need. I think that you are holding on really tight to this, because simply can't accept the fact you could loose her. So by letting go, you are scared she might not come back.

 

And you are right. By letting go, she might not come back. But by not letting go, if she does come back (and its not likely), she won't respect you and you won't have changed. I can tell you now, you need to be committed to NC as a tool to heal or you will not be able to move on and keep to NC. For me, I started NC when I got burned with Limited Contact (LC) up to a point where I decided that enough was enough and contacting my ex was hurting me more than not being with him.

 

I was in a LDR with my ex, and the distance actually made breaking up and NC easier, because we were both independent to an extent and used to not seeing each other. But if the love was true, the relationship was good, and there were more happy memories than bad, she will look back fondly.

 

Give her what she wants... SPACE. Give her total space. Fill that space with self improvement. Become a better person and start living with yourself, growing yourself, and becoming that person you wanted. Maybe she will bounce back into your life - but you don't want her bouncing back until both your own problems are addressed.

 

NC will let you heal. Once you have healed, its time to re-evaluate. After you have healed you will be able to objectively look at the relationship, yourself, and her, and decide if you want to pursue it again. You will weigh up the risks and opportunities, and make an informed decision. I think when most reach this point, they wonder what was so wonderful about their ex in the first place - and stick with NC.

[WhatGives]

She hasnt been emotionally into the relationship for a while and wasnt into talking for the last few months of the relationship because of my smothering and jealousy.

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Trust is one of the most important elements of a relationship. If you smother her and are jealous... then you do not trust her. If you do not trust her, then neither of you can be truly happy together.

 

People keep telling me to give her some space and that things will get better after she is done living up the college life and graduates in a few weeks. Im just a little confused on what to do, because of the distance between us. i have posted my story previously about what lead to the breakup.

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Let me just say that promises that things will get better after college, after graduation, after work, after this, and after that are EMPTY promises. If your heart is into something, you can make it work HERE and NOW no matter the circumstances. That is the test of true love, afterall. How well you balance each other even amidst the worst of it all. Clinging on to something for the mere *hope* of it getting better will only disappoint you in the long run, and leave you feeling drained [for putting so much energy into something that didn't work] and bitter [for the same reason].

 

Think hard about what you feel for this girl, and if you care a lot about her, you need to learn to trust her, give her space to live, and see if the two of you can promote a healthy balance for each other.

[joyce1412]

bowski, i too have decided on NC for what was a long-distance relationship. like icemotoboy said, it will probably be easier for you to operate and move on since you are used to living daily life without her...unfortunately, the same will probably be true for her, too.

 

i am finding that my daily life has changed very little since my breakup, and that life is surprisingly okay. however, it is hitting me hard that he is absent in my life. i really relied on those late-night phone calls. and there's no one who can replace him...i miss having him as the person to whom i wanted to tell everything. i miss his humor, his unique perspective, et cetera et cetera. so don't kid yourself that just because you're not in the same city, your absense is not a loss for her. it's a HUGE loss for her. you had a really unique place in her life. she's going to miss your voice, she's going to miss hearing your jokes, she's going to miss not knowing what's going on with you...these are all palpable things.

 

that said, i'm sure you see how NC is helping you, too. you can start focusing on the life you live, the life that exists in one city instead of two. i think NC is a good way to go even in your (our) case.