prettymommy Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 Today I found myself reflecting back on the past year, and despite all the heartache, the baby steps forward and the giant leaps back, I can safely say I am healing. I am not completely there yet, but I am far from where I was a year ago at this time.... A year ago at this time, my heart was crushed. Destroyed. Barely beating. I felt like I was suffocating. It was this week last year that I had to attend a week long training for a certification I needed for work. It was 3 weeks into my break-up at that point and I was a WREAK. I could barely focus, I spent every break checking my email to see if the ex had sent me something, checking-up on one of his social networking sites, having crying bouts in the bathroom (and sometimes just barely holding back in the classroom). Converstation, if any, with anyone, was difficult. My appetite was in the toliet. Sleep was fitful. I hated life and just, honestly, part of me wanted to die. My son, bless him, was my saving grace...... Slowly, but surely, I regained my confidence in myself. Being single became the new "normal" again. I could still (and still can) remember what it was like to be with my ex, sleeping in bed, his feel, his sounds and smells, but sleeping alone became sadly familiar. I quickly stopped expecting phone calls or texts. The gym and Netflix became my new best friends. I lost 10 lbs and leaned out quite a bit. Running became an intense, new focus for me, as every time I hit the pavement I imagined myself running, runnning, running from the pain, trying to forget that I was living my own personal nightmare. I saw friends and family about once or week or so and vented to them about my heartache and confusion. But I also spent A LOT of time alone and just grieved for the first 2-3 months, never thinking I could ever find someone better than my ex and feeling like my life was over. And to be honest, there is a bit of truth in that. I did lose the future I had envisioned with my ex, and that life was over as far as I knew. I just didn't realize at that point there was another one waiting for me, if I could be willing accept it. 3 months into the break-up I started examining my life and what I wanted to do. What I knew I really wanted was my ex back in my life, more than anything I ever wanted before in my life, but I also knew by that point that if that wasn't meant to be, what did I want for ME? I knew I wanted more friends, so I started challenging my comfort zone and going out to events and functions where I didn't know a soul. It was terrifying at first and I practically had to force myself to go, but got easier with time. I wanted to get closer to my son, so I spent a lot of time doing things together with him. I wanted to travel more, so I started reseraching places I wanted to see. I've since settled on Peru and will be going for 2 weeks later this year. I started cooking and baking again, which was something I always loved and stopped in the aftermath of the break-up. By doing all this, by the time I go to the 4th month post-breakup, while I still didn't feel normal and still felt broken, I knew at least life would keep on going despite whether I wanted it to or not, and it was best to stop resisting.... In the 4th month, while the ex and I had been in very LC since the split, he came back, though not in a way I had wanted or expected, and had I been emotionally stronger, I would have kicked him out the door. But at that point I still thought he was so great and what we had was so wonderful and irreplacable, and was still so emotionally weak that I allowed myself to get into a situation which was not healthy for me. I don't entirely blame my ex for it all on reflection, b/c as screwed up as I was over the split, I can see on reflection so was he, and it just made for a bad situation overall. But for months 4-10 we were in and out of each other's lives, making half-hearted, spitful attempts at working things out. Thank God for the lessons I learned in months 1-4 though, as well as the advice on this forum, as I knew no matter what happened, I would be okay. I would live. Life would go on. I continued to try doing those things which were good for me so that if we didn't work out, I wouldn't lose everything.... And of course, it didn't work out. But I wasn't broken this time. And my ex really gave me an inadvertent gift when it ended the 2nd time around--the gift of taking himself off the pedestal I had placed him on so long ago. After the 2nd split (or was it the 3rd? does it matter?) I no longer saw him as perfect or as the only man for me. I got angry, really angry, and just wanted to do nothing but move on from him and our relationship as quickly and fastly as humanly possible. I wanted to erase the past 6 months of my life. So I threw myself into activities and new challenges. I made a ton of new friends, and for the first time in my life feel as though I am beginning to define who I am.... not as someone's girlfriend, or mother, or daughter. Me. PM. I am being selfish and not giving of myself to people anymore, but it's okay. It's what I need right now. I've basically committed to dating myself for the next year or two.... It's given me time to reflect on my relationship patterns as well and the commonalities in the men I date, and what I need differently in the future.... I have started to date, though very casually, and don't really have any desire to do anything more than that until I feel less desire to be selfish with my time. The first date was a bit nerve-wracking, but since then, it has gone fairly smoothly. I'm not emotionally invested in it, so that helps, and I probably wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped me in the face right now anyways, so it's best I kind of let that aspect of my life limp along at the moment while I continue to retool myself for awhile. I am keeping myself busy enough these days- almost too busy- that I rarely feel lonely anymore. I still long for that intimate connection at times, but I'm not willing to settle or sacrifice for something at this moment just to appease a feeling which ebbs and flows... All this brings me up to where I am today. A year ago, I was the sniffly, red-eyed, depressed looking soul just kind of wandering around aimlessly. Today.... though I still feel some regrets and loss for what was, I no longer fear the future and embrace it. I see it now as a great opportunity for myself to grow emotionally and to reinvest in myself. I still do feel regret for what could have been, and there are days I still miss what I had with the ex, and am still trying to sort out if it's him that I miss, or just the security of the relationship, and really, whichever one it is, I don't think it really matters when you get down to it. Either way, despite how much I allowed my ex to manipulate me in the end, and how angry I am at him for doing so, it has been a blessing in disguise. It made me realized he's as messed up as we all are, and I can't hate him for that. I will always care for him, even if I no longer ever care to talk to him again let alone get involved with him again. But I can see he's not my future anymore, and there is a great sense of release and freedom in that. No one is my future. The only future I need to concern myself with is my own.... Also, him blocking me on Facebook and me de-friending his mother has helped me considerably in moving on... I would advise it to anyone. I used Facebook as a horrible crutch for awhile, and it really just delayed my healing. Recently, over this past weekend I went wakeboarding for the first time. I have a new friend who has a boat and he's been asking me all summer to come out for the day. He's also a wakeboarding instructor and offered to let me try my hand at the sport. I kept putting him off, as I could still remember something my ex said to me a month before we split. I had the opportunity to try my hand at wakeboarding back then, but my ex told me not to even try it, since he didn't think I would enjoy it. So I didn't, even though I wanted to, and even though my ex's statement made me really mad at him for not supporting me despite his personal opinion. This whole summer, my ex's statement has been knocking around in my head, undermining my confidence to go out on this guy's boat and try to get out on a board. Finally, this weekend I worked up the nerve to go out. And guess what happened ? I tried it and I ROCKED. I am a natural board fish. I got up on my very first attempt (a rarity for almost anyone) and was riding for 30-60 seconds a stretch within my first 5 attempts... I will be back out on the water in another week to give it another try. For me, doing that, going wakeboarding, in it's own little way, was just one more way of letting go. Anyways, if you've followed this rambling piece, and for those who have followed my trials and tribulations of the past year, you all know I can ramble. I just want everyone to know there is the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Some of get there quicker, some not as fast. For me, even a year later, I'm not quite there yet, since I still get feelings of nostalgia and regret a few times a week, and often think of my ex still. But's its no longer with heartache and sadness. But when I look back at how much I have grown and changed and regained myself and my confidence back... well, I'm proud. I hate that I went through what I did and would never do it again if I had the choice, but I can see I gained a lot from the experience too, and continue to do..... The road to healing is never smooth, and for every gain forward, there is usually one or more huge set-backs. But you don't really have a choice and must keep moving forward. The set-backs get easier to manage and recover from over time... (this coming from a gal who had yet another huge, albeit temporary, set-back last week) If there is one point to this missive, it would be this: Never lose sight of yourself. Never. Whether you are in a relationship or not. You are the prize and you should always live your life to the fullest in a manner that is true to you person and your beliefs. If you can do that, you'll be okay, no matter what life hands you.... Good luck! Link to comment
Elektro Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 Really happy for you... another great story of a light at the end of the tunnel. Im having another relapse today, been 2 and a half months NC and 3 months since the break up... damn i feel rubbish this evening and miss how happy was with her! But i enjoyed reading your post, i just would like to work out whether it is her i miss or just being in a relationship... all i know is that i was happier when i was with her, that is before she cheated on me and left me for him... Link to comment
testcase Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 Great post. It is amazing how long after a breakup like that you can see how far you've come. I like you have been a "slow" healer but it really is amazing how I can see where I have gone, and am for the most part happy with all the progress I've made... learning I've done. It seems like you are really focusing in and accomplishing a lot of the things you've always wanted to do. Good luck I'm sure you'll find someone much better than ever when your ready for em. Link to comment
getting_on_ok Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I have to say that its great to hear you are doing great. I am in 2 months of no contact and I still feel really lonely. I hope everything works out for the great good. Link to comment
bravebird Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I have to say that its great to hear you are doing great. I am in 2 months of no contact and I still feel really lonely. I hope everything works out for the great good. It's inspiring to read this story, but like you, I'm approaching 2 months NC and it is getting harder and harder. Everyday I feel like "this might be the day he reaches out." It never is. Link to comment
prettymommy Posted August 17, 2009 Author Share Posted August 17, 2009 I know how it feels to want to have contact, but to be honest, contact is not all it's cracked up to be. It can be the devil in disguise and blind you to reality and keep you hanging on and strung along.... Not always, but a majority of the time that turns out to be the case. I know how lonely it can be and how much people want to hear from their former SO's.... but it can actually end up damaging you way worse in the end. For me, I would have been a lot further along a lot sooner and probably would still hold my ex in higher regard if we had stayed in NC. But after 10 months of back and forth... contact did give me closure ultimatley, but at a very high price to my self-esteem and my respect toward a man I onced loved. I can see now how if we had stayed in NC for a significant amount of time after our split (6-12 months) it probably would not have resulted in the bitterness and anger on both ends that results from being in LC in the aftermath of a break-up when emotions are still running high.... Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 My divorce was twenty years ago. I am still extremely selfish with my time and my wants and needs. It has served me well. My son and I are my main priorities and have been for years. My bf is loved by me, but he could leave me tomorrow. I focus on me and always keep "my" life just for me and he is not invited there. I am good to him, but he understands how I am. He is the same way. Many divorcees are like this and know what I mean. You lose your innocence and belief in happily-ever-after, but you get to know and believe in yourself. It's a fair trade-off. Link to comment
ambey Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 Thank you! You have just given me the best realisation I have had in a long time. You're so right I need to learn to date myself. I poured my life into my ex and 6 months after he left have been trying to do that into the guys I have dated since, ending each time in disaster. I would never have dreamed of doing anything nice on my own, yet I was always planning nice surprises for my ex. Tonight I am going to plan something amazing just for me. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Pretty Mama!! I LOVED your post, and so happy that you have moved on and that you’re doing well! I especially liked when you said that you weren't broken when your relationship ended; that he gave you the “inadvertent gift of taking himself off the pedestal” and how you no longer saw him as "perfect or the only man for me." This is exactly how I felt about K when our relationship ended (April 2009). You are amazing, and may life always be good for you. Link to comment
dumped Posted December 20, 2009 Share Posted December 20, 2009 Yeah...Good stuff. I usually skim these long posts. But I read the whole damn thing. Beautiful story. Happy for you!!! Link to comment
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