I cant read this guy and I feel like hes antsy for sex...

[Qut81]

Ugh, I am sorry I guess I need advice on every little things about dating bc I just dont know anymore.

 

Anyway, the guy Im dating...lets call him "N" went out for sushi last night. After, he came over to my house and we played Guitar Hero and watched tv. We dated for 3 wks and then went NC for almost 2 months, and then reconnected 2 wks ago. (for those of you that dont read my daily threads lol)

 

Well, last night we were makin out but we didnt do anything. He asked me "Do you think its too soon to sleep over?" I said, "Yes, I am sorry. I really want to take things slow" He said, "I understand...its ok".

 

Welllll...he texts me and we get into this convo:

 

Him "You got me right where you want me"

Me "Really? And where is that"

Him "Like putty in your hands...jk. Just tryin to say that Im really into you. Always was."

We text back and forth flirthing and then he sends a text saying "Im glad you we showed restraint. It will be so much better when we are both ready to take it to another level." At this point I started to feel pressured. When that happens I tend to get very blunt in order to make sure there are no misunderstandings. I said, "When I go to that level, its with someone I am exclusive with. I want to make sure that person doesnt want me for sex. I hope its ok we take it slow (I think I was too blunt?)

 

Him "So is exclusive something you want to have with me?"

Me Is it something you would want with me?"

Him "Ahhh, the old reversal trick. Hell yea! I would LOVE that."

 

I was not expecting that. Most men would back off by that comment. I do like him but I am NOT ready to be exclusive. However, I have never been in this position before usually I am the one that wants to be exclusive. So I gave a very vague answer "Yea that will be nice when it happens"

 

I dont know...I am VERY horny but I dont want to get hurt. Not to mention, during our conversation he says hes requesting a transfer to Katar (sp?). He says "You can come with me". First of all, Ive never been out of the country and I think it would be such a shock to go straight to a middle eastern country where they hate Americans and treat their women like crap. Its also too soon.

Im usually really good at reading ppl but I cant read him. What do you think of this guy? I mean, I dont usually do casual relationships but maybe since hes transferring in Jan it wont be so hurtful?

[ghost69]

how did you reconnect? you text or call him or him to you?

[Qut81]

how did you reconnect? you text or call him or him to you?

 

He called me...

[hers]

I wouldn't necessarily say he's in it just for sex but is it something you'd like to get involved in if he's not even going to be living in america within a few months? That's a bigger deal to me than the sex is.

[ghost69]

i've never stopped talking to a girl for that long then contacted them hoping to start something up again. sounds to me he either went for another girl and it failed or he just wanted to be single and maybe thinks he can get with you for some physical activities. that's how i see it. it really points to that the way he's so forward about it too. but that doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him and you cannot stop him if he advances. you can still move at your own pace. don't let him pressure you if he does and it's not what you want. and if you get emotional after sex, you really will want to reconsider going through with it.

[unhealthy2bme]

I think your right. It's too soon! If he is serious about wanting to go exclusive, he'll be able to handle a long distance relationship for a while at least He just sounds a little too sneaky to me...

[Qut81]

I wouldn't necessarily say he's in it just for sex but is it something you'd like to get involved in if he's not even going to be living in america within a few months? That's a bigger deal to me than the sex is.

 

For the first time in my life...Im not ready to get serious with anyone. I actually got nervous when he mentioned exclusivity bc I kind of want to date around. Is that bad?

[hers]

No it's not bad at all! You're still sort of fragile. Take some time for yourself, sort out some issues you have, continue getting over your ex, and take your time. There's no rush right now.

[guynextdoor]

Its not bad at all to date around. You don't want to be tied down yet. We can all understand that.

[Qut81]

i've never stopped talking to a girl for that long then contacted them hoping to start something up again. sounds to me he either went for another girl and it failed or he just wanted to be single and maybe thinks he can get with you for some physical activities. that's how i see it. it really points to that the way he's so forward about it too. but that doesn't mean you have to stop seeing him and you cannot stop him if he advances. you can still move at your own pace. don't let him pressure you if he does and it's not what you want. and if you get emotional after sex, you really will want to reconsider going through with it.

 

Well he was in miliarty training for 6 wks. He was honest that he dated someone else but he doesnt do long distance relationships. Plus, I was the one that suggested we just be friends and he admitted that he was upset about that in our conversation last night. Last night before he left he said "Im so lucky no one sweeped you off your feet by now" I mean this guy gave me flowers and is very attentive. However, hes also a scorpio and very blunt like me. So apart of me feels hes just being upfront about his wants and needs.

[hers]

If he doesn't do long distance, by his own admission, and he's transferring in january, then honestly, I'd next him. Why get involved in something that's going to end?

 

And ps--flowers mean nothing. Sweet gesture but don't use it as a way to read if he's a good guy or not.

[Qut81]

No it's not bad at all! You're still sort of fragile. Take some time for yourself, sort out some issues you have, continue getting over your ex, and take your time. There's no rush right now.

 

Yes, I am still very fragile. I dont want anything to put me back into depression. That was horrible.

 

However, I dated a guy off and on for a few yrs who played bball in the phillipines. I never got overly attached with him bc mentally I knew it wasnt going anywhere. That was the only guy I was able to separate my emotions from sex with. So Im thinking since hes leaving in Jan I shouldnt get too attached. Plus, he has children from his previous marriage so hes not exactly someone I would want to be serious with.

 

I think I am trying to justify sex with him bc Ive only had sex twice in the past 8 months and my vajayjay is going crazy. lol But I dont want to do anything to set me back. Am I making any kind of sense? lol

[Qut81]

If he doesn't do long distance, by his own admission, and he's transferring in january, then honestly, I'd next him. Why get involved in something that's going to end?

 

And ps--flowers mean nothing. Sweet gesture but don't use it as a way to read if he's a good guy or not.

 

He asked me to come with him. But thats not an option...at least right now.

[cat_lady]

He asked me to come with him. But thats not an option...at least right now.

 

I don't think he's being serious. I think he's just being flirty.

 

And considering that he went with NC for two months before and is coming back all nice and sweet so soon... I'd just assume he was a charmer.

[hers]

I'm sort of getting the same feeling--that he's a charmer. That's not the same as saying he'd use you for sex though. I just think he knows how to lay it on.

[cat_lady]

Yea.. he seems like the type of guy who would tell you that he wants to be with you b/c he enjoys "your conversations" instead of plainly telling you - you're hot, I want to sleep with you.

[Qut81]

Yea I was thinking the same thing. But charmers and players usually are scared off my the thought of being exclusive. He wants that...thats whats throwing me off. He even said when I texted him back the vague answer "Good. I am glad we are on the same page" as far as being exclusive.

[hannah_k]

I think you should just be honest with him. Tell him that you're not really looking for exclusivity at this point in your life. Tell him you wouldn't be able to transfer and that you're not sure where it would go if he doesn't do long distance relationships and he's leaving in leaving in four to five months.

 

You can be gentle and honest at the same time. Make a game plan and see if he's really on the same page. You can seek answers here all you want, but it's really up to you and him.

[Qut81]

Ok. Your right Hannah. I was going to send him this email:

 

Hey! I was thinking a lot last night about the text where you said it would be better when were both ready to take it to the next level. I just want to make sure you are going to be ok with waiting? Since we reconnected after 2 months I kind of feel like we started all over and I am no where near ready. I just got over a really really hurtful break up and I dont want to get hurt again. So I just want to make sure that this is ok with you because if not maybe we should be just friends.

[hers]

No don't send him that. I think that's screaming "I'm vulnerable, please don't hurt me".

[cat_lady]

Yea I was thinking the same thing. But charmers and players usually are scared off my the thought of being exclusive. He wants that...thats whats throwing me off. He even said when I texted him back the vague answer "Good. I am glad we are on the same page" as far as being exclusive.

 

Not true at all. Its very easy to say - sure, I want to be exclusive. You're thinking.. well, we're going to be exclusive, this is going to develop into a LTR.

 

He could be thinking the same thing.

 

Or he could be thinking.. sure, I'll just sleep with this girl until I get out of here or until I meet someone else.

 

Exclusive just means that he's not sleeping with anybody else, it doesn't mean that he's committed. A commitment takes time and is not something that can be offered verbally.

 

I would respond to him and say - sure, I would love to see where this goes as well. And leave it at that; no more discussion. And next time, don't tell a guy you want to be exclusive until having sex.. tell him you want to get to know him better and feel comfortable with him - there's no way he can rush that.

[Qut81]

Another question I have is...if hes in the military that means they get tested frequently right?

[hers]

Not necessarily.

 

You're putting a lot of emphasis on sex. I know you're horny but wanting to discuss it at great length with him quickly instead of letting it pan out (he already knows your views on it, so no need to rub it in that he's not getting any from you any time soon) comes off as a little pushy (at least to me it does).

 

If you want sex, why not just do it? Or are you afraid you won't be able to keep emotion from getting involved?

[Qut81]

Not necessarily.

 

You're putting a lot of emphasis on sex. I know you're horny but wanting to discuss it at great length with him quickly instead of letting it pan out (he already knows your views on it, so no need to rub it in that he's not getting any from you any time soon) comes off as a little pushy (at least to me it does).

 

If you want sex, why not just do it? Or are you afraid you won't be able to keep emotion from getting involved?

 

Exactly. I want too but there are a lot of things Im afraid of. I dont want to get all crazy and obsessive (I dont know what triggers it bc it doesnt happen with all of my bf's), I dont want him to think Im loose, and I dont want to get hurt. However, I do want to get laid. lol

I was actually thinking on the way to lunch that if it involves this much debate...then its prob too soon and not the right time.

[tastytoothpaste]

"Do you think its too soon to sleep over?"

 

...sounds pretty antsy to me.