Fell for Friend

[bexcelant]

Well, here I am. I fell for my friend which is common enough. I have known this person for 10 years and have both actively dated other people. In the last two years we started to really talk with each other. All the time, both of us continued to date other people.

 

Back in June, we were all close and she was flirting with me and telling me how attractive I was but I did not make a move. (Yes I am an idiot) So unfortunately, she has never experienced that side of me. Fast forward to July and I was having dinner with her and she informs me she had started dating a guy two weeks ago.

 

Lets say I was shocked because I was really starting to like her and I wanted a relationship. I had in my mind before I went to dinner that night that no matter what I was going to kiss her but after she told me that, it kinda took the wind out of my sails.

 

I told her that I came out to see her and this was unexpected. I ran through the scenarios in my mind and came up with what I thought was the right answer. I told her that I did not want to be friendzoned and that I really wanted to be with her but if she had her heart set on dating the other guy, I would not stand in her way. I could be her friend perhaps in the future if she wanted to date him but it would take me awhile to get my head screwed back on so I could get a new perspective. Since then, I have gone NC.

 

Three comments she made that night that I remember:

 

I am so sorry to hurt you

It's new it might not even work out

He might not even like me that much because he needed me time and told me we wouldn't be getting together this weekend.

 

(It's like she left the door open for me because these are not the words of someone who doesn't care)

 

Anyways, I have talked to a friend and she said I reacted defensively and shut down communications. Perhaps it would have been better to have had a calm adult conversation about it and maybe I could have left the door open to dating me instead of the other guy but I think I made her decision for her. In any event, it might not have mattered anyways.

 

I have only gotten two IM's from her since then and it's been two months ago since the ill-fated dinner. One IM was how happy she was and that made me feel like...crap but I told her I was happy for her. Then two more weeks go by and I get another one where she asks how I'm doing and I said there has been too much going on, are you free to talk? It was late so we agreed to talk the next night on the phone. Before she signed off, she mentioned that it has been interesting over there with her.

So the next night came and nothing. I called over there and I had no response. So great...

 

Over these last month and a half of NC, I have gotten much better. I now casually dating another girl. I am starting a new job and when they told me my travel schedule, I realized that even had I gotten her to date me, I wouldn't exactly have been a great dating partner. It's kinda like I am getting deployed.

 

I am at the point now, where another friend of mine told me...look you have known her for 10 years. That is not something you just throw away even if she is dating someone else. You should be happy for her. So I thought about it and I understood what he was saying. It was my own selfish desire that says I need her. The truth is, I don't need her but I want her. Thanks to this forum to allow me see the truths in No Contact and it in turn has allowed me to see these truths in myself. I want her to know that I am her friend and that friends want the best for each other no matter what. Even if it not with each other.

 

How you might ask can I possibily think like this? It's not like we ever really dated each other but we do know each other's deepest fears and secrets. There is mutual attraction and respect but for right now it's just not working out. In the end, if you truly love your friend and I mean deeply and without any ulterior motives. A pure love, then you want whatever is the best for them. You want your friend to be happy. Sure you might be crushed for awhile, but time heals everything.

 

I am not quite ready to go out and have dinner with her and her boyfriend but my own father is still friends with a woman from his past and he even introduced the kids and my mother to her. She laughed and told my mother that had my father asked her to marry him she would have. Now everyone is the best of friends.

 

Perhaps I will never be with her and perhaps I will someday because the story isn't over yet. Whatever happens, my father's own story gives me hope that it will all work out in the end for the best no matter what happens.

[anonguy77]

I know it's rough to feel like this after 10 years but when you and she became romantically inclined that was your first risk of losing her. Stop kicking yourself. You're not an idiot for not making a move, I'll bet you were just scared of losing her. Now it seems she is at least temporarily gone as a friend or a potential lover. You never know, but if she hasn't contacted you much in the past month it's because she has her own life. She thought of you a couple of times which shows from her attempts to contact you but as you said, she did not return your call. That happens a lot with friends. It doesn't mean they don't care... usually means they are busy, but it does probably mean she's into this guy. If she had no other romantic interests in her life, she would call back right away. It means she views you as a friend right now and as we all know, friends get sidelined in the wake of a new relationship. That's not to say this won't end between the two of them at some point, but until then, you are the sideline bloke.

[macdomat]

Tale as old as time...

 

OOOOOOOoooookay. First, you can phrase it as pretty as you like, but - "I told her that I did not want to be friendzoned and that I really wanted to be with her but if she had her heart set on dating the other guy, I would not stand in her way." - this is still ultimatum-ish. You backed her into a corner! Her options? Fight, flee, or surrender. I'm surprised she didn't jump down your throat.

 

At least, she said she's sorry she hurt you, but she really didn't have to. Yes, from this, it sounds like she led you on initially. For THAT, perhaps an apology is due. But she didn't hurt you... she was just living her life. If you did indeed miss the boat when she first offered the ticket, then...

 

I look at it like this, and don't take it personal, but... You changed Your view of her, after 10 years of friendship. You put the expectations up there, which she couldn't deliver. You got Your hopes up. You need to notice that I'm captializing the word "You" even if it's in the middle of a sentence.

 

I'm not trying to defend her, and I'm not trying to bash you, but it sounds like ... well, it sounds like you attacked her, and you cut off contact with your friend of 10 years because you didn't like the response you got.

 

I'm glad you're dating again and you're able to move on. Can the friendship be repaired? I dunno... As you say, "time heals..."

 

I want ya to know, I almost didn't post this, because I think it sounds harsh, but I think there's some guys out there who need to read this, so I'm doing it for the benefit of more than one...

[bexcelant]

I understand what you are saying. I too realized this afterwards but you know...I am human. I didn't react correctly. It was a defensive reaction along the lines of fine if you don't want to play, I'm going to take my toys and go home. Was it stupid? Sure it was. A defensive reaction is a killer in any relationship. So is anger, cheating and lying.

 

This is something that happened and I can't take my words back now and I cant change what happened. The important thing now is this...what to do now? Perhaps the best thing to do is have an adult conversation about it and say that I'm sorry for the whole thing. But then that is what the part where I must tell her that I want her to be happy no matter what.

 

As for cutting contact...if she dated the other guy even if I had not reacted this way, I would have quietly gone no contact anyways. No contact is for me to get my head right again.

[amour est toujours]

my best friend fell for me, didn't make a move....things got confusing, feelings hurt, ideas twisted and it seemed like we would never get it right. After an entire year of not talking to one another, we FINALLY got it right (I even had another boyfriend at the time) We've been together for two years now and couldn't be happier.

 

I think it is in fact possible to come back to each other. However, I would not say you should put your life on hold and wait around. It's one of those cosmic things...it all falls into place when you least expect it.

 

Best of luck and don't ever be down on yourself for loving someone. It's beautiful

[bexcelant]

Thank you for that post amour est toujours. That made my day

[Perfection]

don't ever be down on yourself for loving someone. It's beautiful

 

you stole the words right out of my mouth. well said. i totally and wholeheartedly agree with this.

[offplanet]

I don't think she said anything which indicated she saw you as more than a friend, so for that reason, you don't have any reason to 'kick yourself'. Cold comfort, I know, but, I mean you didn't ruin your chances, because it doesn't sound like you actually had a chance with her in the first place. It'd be good if you could be at peace with being a friend of hers, without spoiling your chances of happiness with someone else by holding out hopes for this girl.

[bexcelant]

Well actually, there is/was chemistry between us. I can't express here in this short space what her body language and how she looked at me. I can't write down our entire conversations. What I can say is that she was into me and I think because I did not show her that I liked her back physically or verbally, that she went looking elsewhere thinking that I was not interested. Why didn't I make a move? Yes it was because I was scared thinking that if I did, I would lose her. I don't have a problem making a move on someone I just met y'know.

 

Oh and I also made another serious mistake. My mother flew in for 10 days and what I should have done was include her with my mother and instead, I did not see her for 10 days and only spoke with her once. I assumed, we could pick up right where we left off and that was a grave error on my part.

 

Too many assumptions and too many errors and here we are today.

[amour est toujours]

keep your head up. you are what you love, not what loves you. put love into the world and it will return. don't beat yourself up over the could haves and should haves. what has happened is passed (and past) all you have is right now. do what makes you happy. damn, i'm such a romantic that i'd suggest gathering your thoughts and telling her but that's probably not the wisest decision HAHA. point is, try to convert the energy you're using on beating yourself up and going over and over each and every word into something better for yourself. go out and meet some new people orrrr take some time to write. you have an excellent friendship here and hopefully she will realize how important you are to her and how amazing it would be to be with you.

 

 

sorry to everyone for being so sappy and positive about love but i really believe in it.

[amour est toujours]

actually, i take that back...i'm not sorry. hehe

[bexcelant]

Well I guess the story doesn't always go as we want it does it? The fairytale endings don't happen.

 

The wait is over....needless to say an event that was completely unforeseen happened. I have to come to grips with it. I told her that I loved her, I would be there for her and if a friend truly loves their friend, they will want the best for them. Even if it means not being with them. In the end, I told her that what I wanted for her was to be happy.