Is there something wrong with me?

[backsplash]

Everyone views my husband as a very caring and old fashioned kind of guy...divides most of his life between what we do together and his parents (helping with house repairs, watching movies with them etc...)

What I am trying to figure out is what is wrong with me that I don't recognize this also. All Ive been feeling lately is anger that instead of working on our home, (which he does) he is working on theirs (when he isn't in ours), instead of us spending time together (which we do other times), he is taking his dad out to lunch.

I'd say that minus the time we sleep together at night, his time is divided equally between me and his parents. And this bothers the hell out of me. I have all kinds of judgements about it and even have lost respect because he does not do anything with anyone of his own age. And seems so clingy to them.

I have all kinds of support in my life, I also go to counseling. But what I can't seem to figure out or change is how much I resent my husband for the stuff I've described. COuld I really be that jealous? I find myself getting angrier each time he tells his parents he will do something for them and I am afraid this will ruin my marriage. Like my husband says-"Its not like I'm out drinking every other night."

I just don;t know how to come to terms with this!

[Maya_A]

COuld I really be that jealous?

 

I wouldn't have caught that right off the bat had you not spelled it out. By that I mean that we always know within our own selves what is 'wrong'. The fact that you, yourself brought that up as an idea might be an indicator that it holds some merit, at least as one part of it.

 

Did you not have a good relationship with your own parents? Do you feel like something is missing in your marriage like some sort of emotional intimacy? Do you feel like you are not enough in that he has to spend so much time with them? Do you feel it represents an overall aspect of his personality or pervasive personality trait such as something like over-dependence (on his parents emotionally), that annoys you? Something/s else?

 

I have all kinds of judgements about it...

 

What are your specific judgments on it?

[bentandbroken]

You say you go to counseling, have you brought this matter up? What does the counselor think of it?

I'd say you have some serious jealousy issues (no offense). Maybe he is just really close with his family, I could see how it gets kind of annoying if he was maybe spending a little "more" time with them, and not you ... but you said it's pretty equal.

I'm not sure of the ages here, or how old he is ... but if he is older my only conclusion is maybe he feels like he needs to spend as much time with his parents as much as possible. Maybe really get some quality time in, since he knows sooner or later, he may not get that chance later on.

I would suggest having a talk with him, ask him why he does this so much, get his personal reasoning before getting carried away. Maybe if you could tell him that it's a bit' hard for you to handle, and possibly spend a little more time with you, see what he says.

Also what would be good for the both of you, is to get out and do something you both like, and enjoy, a lot. Having a lot of fun with each other would be nice, get connected, maybe then he will really enjoy himself, and want to do it again. He'll want to spend more, and more, time with you.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck =)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have read through your other threads and each one comes accross as you being insecure and controlling..wanting him to limit his time spent with others. Your first thread about him in 2007 when you were 6 months into the relationship focused on how you resented the fact that he wanted to spend Christmas with his family, another thread was about how you resented the fact that he wanted to see his friend who was going off to war for the next year...true your boyfriend had forgotten he made plans with you, but you even resented the exceptional circumstances which made him decide he wanted to spend one last day with this friend. Then there was another thread about how you resented him going to see his married, with child female friend whom he had known since grade school...you were invited along but you couldn't make it and since her husband wasn't going to be around you thought your husband should postpone the visit because you thought you needed to be there almost like a chaperone. I think you need to work on your issues..it is one thing after another and your resentment when he is with others will end up poisoning your relationship.

[JusticeLaw9]

It's possible, you might be. However, I don't know the situation as well as you do. But from the look of things, it seems like he's balancing out his time and you want it more on a 60/40 or 70/30 kind of level.

[Circe]

Then there was another thread about how you resented him going to see his married, with child female friend whom he had known since grade school...

 

I remember that thread..

 

OP, I think it's hard to know if it is purely an insecurity issue (with you unfairly feeling like he doesn't do enough to make you feel like you are no.1 in his life) or whether its the way he acts every day that make you kind of lose it in respect of the things you complained about.

 

Say he spent 50% of his time, not with his parents, but with other people or on his own away from you, would you be ok with that?

 

Is it really worth getting angry about this and pushing him away?

 

How you do divide your free time as a couple is an important issue. I know I personally would probably like to have about 2 hours of our "free" time every day to myself (currently my free time is spent almost entirely with my H) so I could have a proper 1 hour gym session. (I really love the gym)

 

But.. he'd miss me and be a bit sad or bored so I don't (yes, that is a bit too dependant to be "healthy" but his "flaws" are so much easier to deal with than mine and he deals with mine with such ease.. so I'm not gonna make a fuss about that). I'm fairly sure I don't resent that (I'm trying to be as much on the look out as possible for resentment so it can be dealt with ASAP rather than building up in a toxic way) .. because at this point I think "if he were ever taken from me.. or me from him.. what will I have wanted most of my life to have been? And the answer would be time with him.. not time at the gym.. but at the same time I hope that as time passes.. maybe he won't want to do everything together and be together ALL the time. And at the same time the thought that he won't makes me a tiny bit sad too.

 

My conclusion: the way we feel about anything is highly complicated. What to do with free time and how to divide it is an important issue. What you should do is think about why (ask him if you don't know) he spends his time the way he does and consider whether that's reasonable and if you don't think it is and can't live with it explain that its hurting your relationship and ask him to try something new (ie less time with parents) for a limited period to see how he feels about it. And if at the end you're both back where you started... ... then I'm stuck.

[John Bendix]

I have to go along with CAD on this. It is your issue with how he lives his life under the guise of how much time he spends with his parents (or anyone else) VS how much with you. 50/50, 70/30, 80/20, 2 hours a night, etc., why is quantitative numbers and percentages so important? If you feel diminished because he does not "spend" more time with you than with others, then the thoughts and the emotions (that ensue) you experience are of an egoic nature. And the problem comes with that is that a dominating ego always seeks more and is never satisfied. This view possibly affects other factors in your life. I cannot say.

 

I am always confused on the issue of how much time one partner needs to spend with the other. Sorry, but when anything becomes that much of a need, it can lead to suffering.

 

Is it possible for you to actually enjoy the fact that you have a good man around you that helps and sees his parents and is a good friend to others? Why concentrate on the "half empty" from your view?

[Circe]

Backsplash, do you feel loved in your relationship?

 

I think my security (and I have eons more of it with my H than I've had before) comes in part from the growing up I did but also from the very loved feeling I get with my H. I feel extremely loved and that makes me feel extremely secure.

 

I'm not sure if it's a chicken-egg thing though.

 

If you don't feel loved, could it be that you aren't noticing or picking up on how he shows love?

 

I just think you should definitely try to get to the heart of this because it sounds like you have a good guy and it would be such a shame for you to live your life feeling insecure an unhappy when you don't have to. And it must affect his happiness a lot too.

[backsplash]

Thanks so much for all of your feedback. And yes, he is a good guy, worth my time and effort i dealing with my issues so that i have less issue with him. The only reason why i brought up that my husbands time with me and his parents is about 50/50 was because I wanted to be as objective as possible -I could have said he spends "most" of his time there. That would have been untrue. I wanted it to be clear that he does in fact spend alot of time with me. And in saying that, I was trying to admit my fault I guess.

 

I am insecure and my worse fears based on some childhood stuff and problems with my first husband all relate to being "left", ignored, unheard, not considered important. These are my issues and it isn't fair to make my husband suffer because of my past experiences.

 

At the same time, compromise can't ever hurt. And thats what we both talked about today. We both chose each other (flaws and all)-I am going to work on not getting mad when he has other things to do and he is going to try to keep me "in the loop" of his plans and schedule so that we can both do our separate things and also feel like we are spending enough time together. I explained to him that when we have a few days in a row to do things like go out for dinner alone, see friends together, work on our apartment..it makes me feel closer to him.

He wants me to respect that he helps his family and to recognize it as a good thing. I think I get that part and I do know he is a good guy.

 

Today we spent time together and are trying to heal so to speak.

[Maya_A]

Yay - that's it - work it through with him with very blunt self honesty in your own feelings, where they are coming from, etc...

 

Good stuff