How do we deal with this?

[la5t13]

I will try to keep this short. I had a topic about this months ago but I need to hear what other people have to say. Growing up I had the perfect family till I was in middle school and found out my dad had a problem with liquor. Since then he has been in treatment and AA but nothing helped and now he has damage to his brain. He is no longer living with us and I haven't talked to him since last Thanksgiving.

 

The reason is not because of the drinking, it is because he raped my sister and she has an eating disorder now because of that. She is in therapy and only 18 years old. The thing is that we always thought my dad was the best father ever but that is not true. He called me today because it is my 21st birthday and I ignored it like I always do. The problem is that he thinks I cut him out of my life because of his drinking. He doesn't know I know what he did. I want him to know. My mom won't tell him unless my sister lets us but she doesn't want him to know we know.

 

My mom thinks my dad doesn't know what he did to my sister. But my sister said there is no way he doesn't know. Even if he was on medication and drinking.

 

My sisters doctors told my mom that we don't need to report this because he no longer lives with us and at the moment my sister would not be able to handle seeing him. His voice gives her a panic attack.

 

I just want him to know I know what he did. Thoughts?

 

My friend thinks I should write him a letter saying I know what he did to my sister and he is out of my life forever. But can I do that without my sisters permission? uggggh

 

Edit: She said maybe write my sister a letter asking if I can write my dad one.

 

Edit: She actually said not to write her a letter because I need to do it in person with my sister.

[savignon]

You have a right to your own feelings regardless of what your mother's feelings are or your sister's feelings are.

It would be up to your sister to report it or take any legal action, but where YOU are concerned, you can write him a letter, give him a call....whatever you want.

Saying "he was on drugs" or "he doesn't know what he did" or "he doesn't know that she knows" are all excuses to hide the painful truth.

Your mom and your sister are likely scared and hurt and don't want to cause problems with your dad. That doesn't mean that you have to live with the secret. It might cause a strain on your relationship with your sister and mom for a bit but these things are never easy. I am one who thinks "the truth always comes out" and the longer we hold it in, the longer we're just damaging ourselves.

I mean, he's going on living his life in complete ignorance about the real cause of your broken family....isn't it time someone calls him out on this? It's almost a gift to him so that he can be aware, take responsibility, repent if the guilt moves him....without the truth, you are letting anger eat away at you and not giving your father the catalyst he needs to take responsibility for his choices.

My best wishes to you.

[la5t13]

Thank you for that. That helped me understand this better.

[livelarge]

What do you think telling your father will achieve? Think about what you want to get out of this, because there are a million ways this could turn out. Many of which will leave you very unsatisfied.

 

When my friend confronted his father about the abuse with a therapist present, his father denied it all. ALL OF IT (and there was a lot, other family members can confirm it). His father said it never happened. He had blocked it all out of his memory. People do that, they shut out the really horrible things - especially the really horrible things that would make them horrible people in their own eyes.

 

That's just one possible way that your father will react. There are several others, so you have to figure out what you are trying to achieve and if it's getting him to admit what he did, he may never do that.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Wow, HORRIBLE doctor.

 

It almost always helps when victims of sexual crimes confront and help put their offenders in jail. It helps them regain the power that was taken away from them.

[savignon]

What do you think telling your father will achieve?

What I think it achieves is unburdening your heart with a secret that is causing anxiety to you, your mother and your sister and has torn up your family.

It's a release. It's a "I'm not going to keep this secret for you!"

He may very well deny it or say he didn't know or he was drunk or high....it doesn't matter.

Do it for you.

I promise you that once you confront him, no nastiness on his part will make you second-guess that you have done the confident and brave thing and it won't change that you know the truth, even if he can't see it.

What he does with the information should not prevent you from doing what YOU need to do with the information.

[livelarge]

All I'm saying is that my friend was very upset after his father didn't admit what he did. He didn't feel better. He felt even angrier because the man won't admit what he did. Sure he needed to do it but he thought he'd get some apology or at least recognition of his pain and he got nothing but denial. In the end, it wasn't what he wanted at all.

 

So I say, if you are doing this for an apology, hoping he'll break down and repent, or hoping he will feel pain and remorse, none of that may happen. It's something to consider.

[la5t13]

I don't expect him to admit it and I don't care to hear it from him regardless. I just want him to know I know whether he wants to deny it or not.

 

My friend said that my sister opened up to her but my friend said she also needs to talk to me tomorrow about my sister. So I will wait to hear what she says.

[Catdancer]

I wrote my father a letter telling him that I know what he did too. I wont go into it but I did the same thing that you are thinking of doing. He of course denied it all. I have proof, evidence, court records of what he did and yet he still denies it. I wanted to let him know that I know and I wanted to let him know that I wont forget. I have hated my father for years, but me sending that letter was a way of letting myself off the hook. It was the start of me letting go of the anger and finding peace within myself.

[la5t13]

I wrote my father a letter telling him that I know what he did too. I wont go into it but I did the same thing that you are thinking of doing. He of course denied it all. I have proof, evidence, court records of what he did and yet he still denies it. I wanted to let him know that I know and I wanted to let him know that I wont forget. I have hated my father for years, but me sending that letter was a way of letting myself off the hook. It was the start of me letting go of the anger and finding peace within myself.

 

Thank you for sharing that.

[cruzer]

What do you think telling your father will achieve?

 

If nothing else it will let him realize he does not have the slightest chance to ever have any of them in his life again.

 

Perhaps he will leave her alone.

 

Why is it such a big deal to your sister, that he knows, you and your mom know?

[la5t13]

He finally stopped calling my house. Even though he knows he is not allowed to, he would do it when drunk and my sister would hear the voicemail and freak out. Her doctor told us not to unplug the phone because then she would be living in fear..

 

I think her view is that he doesn't deserve the truth or our time. I also think she is just scared of him and she knows he will deny everything so she doesn't even want to hear his side of the story.

 

The sad part is that she told me she used to sleep with a knife under her pillow for years. We had no clue. But my sister doesn't remember how many times it happened or when it did.

 

My mom and I will always believe her. But my mom is also fearful that maybe someone else attacked her and she is blaming it on him because she has hated him for years. I guess that is something we will never know. I trust her though, it is just so hard to see my dad doing that. Because he was always helping others. My friend said that you would never expect any attacker to do it so do not doubt my sister.