I usually give advice, now I need some badly. Please help!

[Crushed]

Hello all,

I am hoping you all can give me some advice I am really confused here and don't know what to do. I haven't asked for any help in a year now, but here I am. My GF and I had been going out for over 2 years. In the middle there she broke up with me because she had concerns that we were not compatible. She had concerns about our religion, how far we lived from each other, my values, my smoking… Well I explained to her that she had a lot of misconceptions about what I wanted and that I want a family and a normal life, I would be happy to move near Milwaukee so she could be near her family, that I was getting closer with God and wanted a relationship with him and for us to grow together in his grace. Well eventually we got back together and things were absolutely wonderful. They were even better than before. I was so happy. I moved up to northern Illinois to be closer to her and things were great. Well unfortunately I see now in hindsight, that when I moved up here away from all my friends and family I became clingy and started smothering her. I don't blame myself as I didn't realize this and she never told me. One of her biggest issues is she doesn't communicate her concerns. Well she was going back to school and became busier and busier. She also now had to work on Saturdays to make up for the time she was in school. So her life became more stressed all the time I was becoming more clingy. Now sometime after Christmas, when she started second semester, a semester from hell, she started withdrawing. Of course unfortunately I pursued and really started smothering her. Well at the end of February she broke up with me. I was totally floored. She had said she had fallen out of love with me and had been hoping that would change over the last two months we were together. After some pleading I left. I started no contact and a bit after a month I contacted her. Conversation was pleasant but very superficial. Finally I got out of her the fact that some of same original fears that I thought we had addressed were still there. Also she told me had I proposed to her approx 6 months ago she would have said yes. This set me back and now I am trying to get her back, as I love her very much. Also one fact she was married before I met her and is deathly afraid of making another mistake.

 

So I spoke to her this week and asked her to go to Phantom of the Opera with me and we both really like that stuff. She was very non-committal and commented that she needs to concentrate on her school, that she doesn't want to lead me on as she doesn't know if she will get those feeling back. Finally she said she would give me a call on Sunday with her decision. Based upon how I know her, how noncommittal she was and the tone of her voice, I was certain she'd say know on Sunday. Well she called me back the next day saying if I could move up the date one week that she'd like to go but wanted to pay for her ticket. But when we have spoken she sounds so distant on the phone. I can't help but feel she's just doing this to be nice and/or to let me down easy. I also have thought that she may just try to be totally distant and not keep her heart and mind open so I'll come up with the conclusion myself. I'm really scared of being crushed. And I really want her in my life. I know I will always have a place in her heart and she even said how our time together was great, that I never did anything wrong or mean, and that she could make a list of all the wonderful qualities I have and why she should love me. But she is the type of person that once they fully come to a decision they don't look back. When she misses me she will do a great job of rationalizing her hurt away. So I feel if I don't make this effort , it is done for good. She will not look back and we all know how effective constant pursuit is.

 

Please help and offer your input. I know the standard things keep busy… If you look at my posts especially older ones I often am the one giving that advice. But knowing all that stuff is not helping me now. Please, please respond. Thanks in advance for your time.

 

Crushed

[blklauderdale27]

hi friend i do hope you find the happiness you long for. im sure your a wonderful guy and she must be great. i to find myself in a confusion situation and share you pain. i just wanted to let you know that your not alone we all get in situations like this. lets both hang in their and see what happens

[kungfumaster]

Hey Crushed,

 

First of all, let me say I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I know it is hard, and I can feel your pain. I want to thank you for your post, because in fact, what happened after you moved to northern Illinois was almost the same as what happened to me. Because I had moved away from my friends, I became clingy and smothering (well, after the first 2 months that is). She also did not communicate her concerns to me - all she said was "I don't know what happened to you". Like you, hindsight has just revealed this to me. She was busy too, and I think since I wasn't the same person as I was when I was with her in the same city (well, I believe I am the same person, just put in a different situation), she fell out of love with me.

 

So, Crushed, in terms of advise, lets just say I am 4 months into no contact so far. Unlike you, I did not pursue her after she dumped me. The reason why is because I felt I needed to get myself together because I was in bad shape, and if I pursued her, I would have just put more pain on myself I think.

 

So, here's my advise. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. From the way she's acting, I think you should not pursue her. Let her be. In the meantime, you should just concentrate on yourself now. I know this is hard - but you have to try. I am not sure what that entails for you - what are you doing in Illinois?? Are you going to school, working?? Do things for yourself. Like you said yourself, keep yourself busy. I know it is hard - but IT DOES WORK - you have to try - it does take work - I'm not saying its easy, but you'll be surprised I think. For myself, I am planning a vacation to the Orient, and its been good for me - I deserve a vacation, and I'm excited about it.

 

In terms of the Phantom of the Opera thing - I give you kudos for still trying - wow - you have strength. If this Phantom of the opera thing doesn't work out, I think you should take the advise given above, and just try to move on. I know you are scared of being crushed - BUT PLEASE - as all of the people here have said to me when I got crushed - YOU WILL BE OKAY!! It will not be the end of the world - and you know what - THEY'RE RIGHT!! I am doing fine - I mean, I am not ecstatic - but I am doing okay.

 

Anywas Crushed - I hope you are doing okay. Believe in yourself!! You moved to be closer to her for g/s !! (I think if anyone did that for me, well, she would be one I would consider to marry). I think you deserve more to be honest than what she's giving you, but as everyone here has said - we can't really make someone love us.

 

Good luck Crushed! Hi yaaaah!

 

Good luck Crushed!! I wish you all the best. Remember -

[Crushed]

Thank you both for your response,

 

The thing that kills me is that some of the things she was worried about is if I would be happ in a "normal" life. When she met me I was still kind of living like a 26 year old college kid. But now, and for the past year I realize that I have been the most happy just coming home and having my GF there and us spending the night together doing nothing. I was excited to move to the next step in my life. That is what I truly want. I feel not only that I have lost my GF but I have lost my direction and goals. On top of it most of my friends are getting engaged, are married, and are having kids. I truly wanted that. Now I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

 

I know I have a lot to offer a woman. I am young no previous marriages or children. I am well educated, have a good job, outgoing, decent looking... But she is the one I want. I may be putting myself in line for more pain. But I can't simply let this person walk out of my life without trying. I'm torn between just trying to have fun and wanting to talk about the things she thinks I want and what I truly want. BUt being stuck here an hour away from my friends, who are all moving on with their lives, and feeling I have no direction just sucks. I truly miss her and I miss what we should have been. This future life I had planned was the most motivating/exciting thing I can ever remember. The idea of trying to meet someone in a bar right now sounds pathetic and repulsive. I don't want to pick up some booze hound. The thought of dating and all the BS associated with it sounds almost worse. On top of it all everything in my apartment we bought together and is a constant reminder of her. Every time I get on the highway it says 94 north to MILWAUKEE!!! Everyday I get reminded.

 

It's funny how you said I deserve more than what she is giving. My friends have said it, my family has said it, heck I think even she might have said it. But what can I say I am a very giving person. I don't expect others to give as much as me. Maybe I should. If any of you have any further thought on the Phantom thing and/or how I should approach this date please let me know.

 

Thanks again for your response,

Crushed

[Mix Maxster]

Ok there's a couple things I want to say right now. I've been finding through my ex that they like knowing that they think they know you. If they think they know how you'll react or how you'll talk or everything about you then they know what they can get away with. If you give them any indication of change in yourself, they'll either accuse you of being bad or will bring up the past to help strengthen their understandings of you and to manipulate you to what they expect. If you do the opposite of what they expect they'll have a hard time coping and will do what they can to get you to be what they expect. So if they think calling all the time and not being able to stop thinking about them is who you are, then they feel that it'll only be a matter of time before you cave if you're doing the "no contact" thing. It's not that they're deliberately trying to predict your behaviour like it's some kind of game, but it makes them feel extra smart feeling like they can predict you. If you don't give them that pleasure they freak out. The point is not to make a game out of it yourself, do not be a jerk and feel like you can toy with them back. Wait for them to give in, they may test you, but you can't let them think they know you like they did.

 

I'm going to make another point, why is she so important and why does she make you feel like you have a good grounding. Is it because you have something to do all of this for? Like you can do this all for her? or for you? I know it's hard, but imagine what it's like to live without her. Can you really be so attached to this person that you can't find direction or meaning in life without them? I'd like to guess that this isn't the case, but it just makes more sense with them around. This part is REALLY tough and no one wants to think about it, but what IF this person had DIED at the best part in your relationship. Then what? you couldn't ever see or talk to them again and nothign could bring them back. Could you live on? could you find someone else? would you ever feel like living? would you be dead on the inside until you died yourself? So I ask what you do now to help you through things when you don't have control over it. Fortunately for you, she's still alive and you feel you can at least do something. You shouldn't allow yourself to dwell or let this run your life, but don't let it disappear from your thought completely. Let it sit in the back of your mind, but live your life to its fullest because if you start thinking there's life after death well then you won't feel the need to live life to it's fullest because you can do the living after you die. This would be a wrong approach to life and you should really think everything over now.

 

Most of the time during a break up only one person grows up and the other person takes time to catch up. If you grow as a person now and make your life better for you, then all you have in your mind at one point is finding someone to be with. Having someone there isn't a complete necessary to have, but it really does help complete life. It helps find purpose and reason for living, but it shouldn't be the main drive that turns the wheel. You should be on top of yourself and not worry about them, if they can't see how great you are and if they can't come to terms with themselves, well then they may never grow and you shouldn't take that. It's REALLY hard because no one wants to believe they're losing something they hold MOST dear. It happens and no one has control over these things.

 

My last bit of advice to you is to live life, however hard it may be just do what you can to preoccupy yourself. It'll be tough at first it really well, but talk to everyone you can to understand everything. It helps to talk and to let it all out. When you realize what life means without the other person, then you can focus on living life by yourself. If the person notices that you're no longer there like you used to, they'll react. It isn't a for sure thing, but if they notice you're gone then chances are they'll try to contact you. The point is to not get desperate and just jump right back because chances are they'll just help relieve themselves and then will go right back to ignoring you or treating you like crap. Think of what it would mean to get back together, have you two had enough time to work out some of the things that didn't work in the relationship? or would getting back together only cause you two to separate again. At this point it doesn't completely sound like she knows what she wants and it sounds like she's still searching. The trick is to not focus on just waiting around to find out when they come to, the trick is to keep it in the back of your mind and then work on it when it arises. I'm not saying ot just forget about it, but don't let it rule and run your life. Truly the point is that you had nothing to do with it, if all the doubts she had were not an issue chances are she'd still be having her doubts. She needs time to figure out what she wants to be with and who she thinks is "the one". It can't be rushed or forced and it's tough for the one who still loves especially. Your best aproach would be to just let it wait and to take a LOT of time figuring out everything you want and to get your life in order. Get over this and let go of her, if she's meant for you it'll happen in the end. Think how you would have to live if the person was dead. You'd have to live without them right? you couldn't have that choice anymore. It's hard to think about it, but start taking time now to go over everything and see what you're goign to do now.

 

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you, I'm sure she's a great girl but she just hasn't found what she wants yet. Some people mature faster than others and some find out what they want sooner. If you feel like you truly feel you know she's the one, well maybe you'll just have to let her go. I know no one wants to lose something they really love for fear that they may never get them back. You can't keep thinking there's no one else because if you can REALLY let her go and not think of her being with you anymore, then surely if the point comes when she does comes back and you two end up being together, well then doesn't just proves you were right the whole time?

[Mix Maxster]

You got it

[Crushed]

I do feel like she's the one and there's no doubt in my mind that we could be very very happy. You both right in the fact that she is confused and scared and now not certain of what she wants. So why am I trying so hard? I do believe she's the one for me and I'm the one for her. She make me happy. I love her. I can't put it any other way and if I let this go I feel she will put a wall up around her feelings and then it's done. She won't be chasing after me It's not in her personality to ask for anything or be forward thus the communication problems. And at the end of the summer I will move back south if we are apart I doubt I'd be willing to do it all again if she called me after that. So I do feel if we end it here, we end it for good. I don't want that. So I guess that's your answer. I do know she has flaws, we all do, but you work through those flaws if you love each other. Though I think your on to something about the addiction factor. I do feel addicted to her.

 

What do you guys think about how to handel Sunday. I was planning on just trying to have a good time, but if she's closed and distant, not allowing us to have a good time, I won't know what to do. I'll want to talk about stuff. And at some point if not on Sunday in the next week We'll need to talk about stuff, if we will proceed occasionally seeing each other if we will be talking? Is this our final hurrah?

[Mix Maxster]

Ok, it sounds to me like you're living on it TOO much. Is this something YOU want??? or something SHE wants? It's tough to see someone just up and leave and show that they don't care or that the relationship you had with them meant nothing. There's some people who are like this AT THE BEGINNING, but when the notice what they have lost they could try to get it back. Then there's the other person, who doesn't realize anything and continues to make the same mistakes.

 

Now for my advice. It's tough on me to go through this situation myself, but you have to realize there is NOTHING in your power that you can do that will make them come back. They've made the choice and it's only up to them to come to you. YOU KNOW you can always go to them, but do they want to come to you right now? You may lose her forever, but there is nothing you can really do about that because that's their choice. You have no control over someone elses feelings or thoughts, you're you and they are them. I'd honestly write this person a letter or talk to them with sincerity to show that you care, but won't pester and bug them every five seconds. Tell them that you can see that anything you did may or may not have made things worse off, but that you know they need to do this on their own. Let them know that having known each other so intimately for so long has given each other the chance to become very close to being "one person". Never give the impression that you're still holding on or that you're trying to change or that if they come back things will be different. They've made up their minds and that only makes them get disgusted or pushed away. At least from my experience anyways.

 

I felt that by telling her new boyfriend some of the things that he should expect, that he'd think it over and maybe ask if it's going to work. All this did was give him ammunition to use against me. Words will only get twisted and used against you. So now I've let my feelings for her go and I've let her go completely in case she doesn't want to come back, I'm not losing my life. She may very well be the one for you, but if you have this muster and dwell inside you, it will only make it that much harder each passing day. It will eat at you and make you feel like "what if?" or "man can't she see how good we are together?" or "doesn't she miss 'us'??". You get the idea and it will only make this all the more harder on you. So I ask you now, are you doing what's in the best interest for this person? or for you?

 

Fear is best known when something we worry will happen, has happened. Don't let this get the best of you, holding on to "they're the one for me I know it" will only cloud your mind and will prevent you from ever living. If they are the one for you they will come back, or else they weren't the one in the first place. They may be the one for you, but you might never be the one for them. Let time decide who's supposed to be together, the best thing you can do is move on with your life and if this person decides to become your friend. TAKE IT SLOW and let THEM make all the moves. Don't just sit there, but get a feeling of what they want and how they're reacting. MORE often than not, people like interacting like nothing has happened, it makes things more comfortable and you're not worrying so much then. Just be the person that this person loved. If being REALLY REALLY friendly is something they love, well then do that when they come back. Treat this person as a friend, more often than not, one doesn't just give up on friends or forget about them. Or else even then they weren't a good friend.

 

So now my advice would be to just end this all by asking yourself if writing a letter or by trying to give this person something will help it all out or will make this work. Chances are this person knows you'll be there and if they want to they may come to you if they want to. They know your number, they know your e-mail address and chances are they know where you live too. They know where and how to reach you if they need to, but the best thing you can do is not let this bug you anymore. Sometimes finding the one means letting go and seeing if they'll come back. You deserve someone who will see your good efforts, but do not get paranoid and start freaking out and calling non-stop and saying "ohh I know i wouldn't call but there was this something i had to say" or something to that effect. Just completely drop all form of communication in the mean time. If you need to, talk to this person and tell them that you two would make great friends for the fact that you were so close and that you two know each other so well. Also let them know that you cannot force something that isn't in your control and that you'll be here if they want to come to you. It's not that you don't want to go after them, but you don't want to smother them. You want them to be in your life, but you don't want to effect theirs. So tell them what I just said and tell them that the ball is in their court and always has been. If they continue to want to be friends you won't stop or ruin it. Don't blame or hurt anyone in any of this. It's not anyones fault, this person is just trying to figure themselves out. You're going to have to let go of this person and be the best friend they ever had (if they want that) and just show that whenever you see each other. If you see each other on the bus, go and sit down and just talk about your life and what you've been up to. They've been thinking about the relationship too and it will only if you start bringing up ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP with them.... don't go that way, just talk about everyday thigns and how truly happy you are and give off that feeling when you're around them. I'd rather be with a friend who is happy and can show support and is friendly and nice and is everything that you want to be at this point. No one wants a grump, a meany, one who can't let go of anything or someone who just doesn't let it down. Do not do that as they'll be happy to not have you anymore, but if you be an even greater friend than the lover you used to be it will pay off.

 

I hope this answers everything, remember don't cram it down their throats but let them know they have the ball in all of this and will decide whether or not they want to be friends. You know you want to be friends but it's about finding out if they want that. So let them know that and be true to your word, the fear that those feelings won't exist will only give you more incentive to make sure they are there when they're needed. Love is about letting go afterall, this person would expect you to live without them if they died when you two were living happily anyways.

[Beec]

Crushed,

 

I don't think you can make any serious overtures toward her or getting back in a relationship, so if you are going then you need to make it seem very platonic, the more fun the better, but there should be no moves on your part.

 

Is it just for the play or will there be more involved. If there is more, like dinner, then I would try to make it offbeat, fun, not anything romantic or really datelike.

 

Good luck,

 

Beec

[Crushed]

Hey guys,

Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate it. I am still going through this and still tying to make this work. I am going to write a new post; "I'm doing everything wrong" if you care to get an update and offer opinions.

 

Thanks again,

Crushed