Weak once again

[lisaria]

Hello all,

My faithful companions on this road to healing. Why does it take so damned long? It's a long weekend, I'm alone; fertile ground for his memories. I came so close to emailing him. I want to know why he cheated. Why he felt it was alrite to lead me on and to hurt me and lie. What if I was wrong? What if he wasn't cheating the second time? What if I was wrong? But I couldn't have been. He started dating immediately after we split. I hate him. Can you tell I'm still confused. I'm feeling so weak and scared and alone. Sorry people, I know you're tired of hearing from me. I have my good days and my bad. My sister and I went to the beach today and went to the places where we went together. Nothing but memories. Then I was looking for a number in the table by my bed and I came accross old letters and cards. Why didn't I throw them out? It hurts too much to even touch them I found out. I thought I was strong enough to go through them. I don't think I got through two or three of them. Now I feel like I'm back to square one with the hurt. Down in the wave people. I would go to the gym but they close at 7 on Friday. I don't have anyone I could call, everyone has plans. I'm definitely feeling sorry for myself. He's with his g/f. His new g/f. That SOB!! As long as I don't call or email him I'll be ok. My self esteem does not need his rejection right now.

I would just like to know how damned long this is going to last. Today I thought and thought about him and stupid me thinks that because I think about him so much all day long then he must be thingking about me too. Right? That's crazy isn't it? Why? A part of me knows that is pure bs, but a part of me wishes and hopes that its true. What if he does miss me as much as I miss him and he's just waiting for me to email him? What if that's all it would take? Could pride be what's between us? Why am I still thinking about him? Why can't I let it go?

I'm sorry everybody, I'm just ranting here. Feeling extremely weak. And if I'm up here then I'm not emailing him or phoning his sorry a@@.

Thanks for listening.

[Mar]

Lisaria, I think you're doing wonderfully, as odd as that sounds. Look at what you said.......I almost e-mailed him." Which means you didn't. Which means you ARE strong, and you KNOW what you want, which is NOT to get any further rejection. Why? Because you know you're worth more than some guy who didn't appreciate what he had. And yes, I know this doesn't mean beans to you right now, but you are on the right track and healing, not that it feels like it right this second, as you should be.

 

As far as how long it'll last? Who knows, quite honestly. It all depends on how deeply someone feels emotions. But you WILL heal, I can promise you that. You'll think about him a little less every day, and yes, you'll have setback days where you miss him terribly, but it'll fade. That's the wonderful thing about the heart.....it HAS to heal.

 

Just give yourself time and don't give up. You had this one loser who lost a wonderful person, and there's another one out there you haven't met yet who will make you wonder what you ever saw in this guy! But you have to be patient-good things really do come to those who wait!

 

Mar

[Hopingpraying]

Lisa,

 

No one is getting sick of you venting it is what we are here for. Heck I've posted the same email a dozen times. I am sure people are sick of reading it, but it doesn't matter because it makes me feel better.

 

Mar has it right. You are getting stronger. And yes you will continue to feel okay, then terrible, then okay again. Each time the ups and downs become a little less up and down. The waves subside and eventually you will feel whole again. It takes time, but it is all part of gods plan. He never makes it easy on us, but thats what makes each of us special.

 

Yell out your frustrations anytime. It will get easier. It will get better. And you will find that right someone. He is just waiting where you haven't looked yet.

 

 

[MayMay]

Hey girl.

 

You and I are SO in the same place sometimes. I used to think that I was like a LIGHTHOUSE and my love would shine accross space and time to touch him and eventually he would see it and come back. Heh. Nope. I was so full of romantic hope.

 

Yesterday, YESTERDAY, I was sitting at home watching Survivor All-Stars on my Tivo, and all of a sudden, this LONGING to call him just washed over me like a wave. I called my support center (first Amber, then Marcie, then Josh, then Scotty) and when one person was done putting up with me I just dialed the next one until I was sleepy enough to go to bed. And I went thru another day without him.

 

I always feel proud when I do that. It seems sort of insignificant, but I always feel proud.

 

So keep up the good work. Use us. We care about you. You are doing the right thing, and things will get better. Be strong GIRL!

 

XO-

May

[lisaria]

Hey Mar, hoping and Maymay, thank you all for the posts. I really needed them. Went to my mom's for an early Easter dinner. They started watching my sister's wedding video and I lost it, crying in the stupid bathroom and so I had to come home. I got up here and saw what you guys had said and it makes me feel not so alone. I was fine again and then that stupid wedding thing and it reminds me of him and how good he looked that day. God!!! Holidays are such a b#tch to get through. And still another day. Then it will be Monday and I can go back to work. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Just get through tonite and tomorrow without emailing or calling him and I will be set. Thanks everyone.