Why are some people never remorseful for their actions?

[INeedHelpFast]

Just a general question on what everyone thinks, even though it does pertain to my situation somewhat, it has got me thinking after hearing other peoples' stories.

 

 

When you catch your partner lying to you, and you end the relationship with them because of it, why do you think they are never remorseful of their actions of lying?

 

One would think, "oh I lied, so let me apologize, and see if I can fix things"....

[anonguy77]

There two reasons people don't show remorse:

 

(1) they are sociopaths and in that case you shouldn't be with one of those ever under any circumstances

 

or

 

(2) they are unhappy with you, you are deficient in some way or believe you have misreated them, therefore lying and cheating on you is just fine in their book

[Amasa]

I think people justify their actions, so it's ok in their mind. People don't ever do anything they think is wrong without first justifying it.

 

So it's not ohh I cheated I'm sorry.

It's ohh I cheated because you weren't giving me enough attention, you yell at me during fights, the relationship was over anyway.

So, then why would they apologize? You are equally to blame in their minds right now (even though really your not at all there's never a good reason to cheat)

But I think only after some time to reflect on that can a person come back and see they were wrong. How much time depends on the person.

[sparkles4]

Maybe they didn't value the relationship enough to try and fix things. Their desire to be free of the relationship might outweigh their guilt for lying. Or they're just a sociopath who can't feel remorse in any case.

[INeedHelpFast]

There two reasons people don't show remorse:

 

(1) they are sociopaths and in that case you shouldn't be with one of those ever under any circumstances

 

or

 

(2) they are unhappy with you, you are deficient in some way or believe you have misreated them, therefore lying and cheating on you is just fine in their book

 

 

 

 

In the case of number 2, do you think they ever come to realize their mistake and apologize? Or do they just carry on with life until karma hits them

[livefree]

I think people justify their actions, so it's ok in their mind. People don't ever do anything they think is wrong without first justifying it.

 

So it's not ohh I cheated I'm sorry.

It's ohh I cheated because you weren't giving me enough attention, you yell at me during fights, the relationship was over anyway.

So, then why would they apologize? You are equally to blame in their minds right now (even though really your not at all there's never a good reason to cheat)

But I think only after some time to reflect on that can a person come back and see they were wrong. How much time depends on the person.

 

Very true. I've been cheated on by two different guys. While at first they seemed remorseful (more like remorse for getting caught), they later told me it was completely justified. It's something I will never understand.

[anonguy77]

I have lived case number 2. I felt true remorse when I stepped back and felt what I had done to the woman I truly cared about. You can't feel remorse until you can see the hurt throught their eyes. I then realized that it was all about me and not her and that she was not to blame for my bad actions. And then Karma got me anyway. I had it coming.

[Amasa]

In the case of number 2, do you think they ever come to realize their mistake and apologize? Or do they just carry on with life until karma hits them

 

 

I think in those situations they are disrespecting you. And you should never allow yourself to be disrespected or they will continue to do it.

 

They will probably at one point come back and apologize, but I don't think you should take them back immediately. A that point they feel guilt and want you to alieviate it. You have to wait until they come back the second time and have really proven that they are willing to put in some work to make it up to you.

Sorry I know you didn't ask me but I wanted to throw in my two cents.

[INeedHelpFast]

I think in those situations they are disrespecting you. And you should never allow yourself to be disrespected or they will continue to do it.

 

They will probably at one point come back and apologize, but I don't think you should take them back immediately. A that point they feel guilt and want you to alieviate it. You have to wait until they come back the second time and have really proven that they are willing to put in some work to make it up to you.

Sorry I know you didn't ask me but I wanted to throw in my two cents.

 

 

 

I'm actually VERY hopeful for that, but right now they just dont seem to care, IN FACT, they try to make up lies about me, to justify that the things they did were infact OK, which amazes me lol, and yet I do not understand why you would lie to cover up for your own mistake

[John Bendix]

Maybe they didn't value the relationship enough to try and fix things. Their desire to be free of the relationship might outweigh their guilt for lying. Or they're just a sociopath who can't feel remorse in any case.

 

Sometimes it is more than a desire. It is more of a compulsion. They have to get away in an attempt to end the extreme emotional distress and dissonance they are experiencing. Unfortunately, changing their situation usually does very little when it comes to dealing with their problems.

[90_hour_sleep]

the inability to show remorse doesn't make someone a sociopath.

 

chances are...he/she has never felt safe in showing that. not showing remorse (perhaps in a callous or indifferent way) is a defense mechanism. there was a time when he/she tried to act out a normal (remorseful) behavior...and it wasn't properly received or nurtured. that behavior then became associated with pain. it's a pretty natural response. who wants to feel pain? so, the new behavior (no remorse) becomes the new way to avoid unpleasant (possibly painful) situations in the future. it becomes an engrained (conditioned) behavior. it's a part of who he/she perceives himself/herself to be. the tendency is to defend (justify) what you believe about yourself. to take away (change) is to remove a piece of your identity. doesn't that sound threatening? if someone suggested that you remove a piece of yourself that you considered an integral part of who you are...would you just give it up? or would you defend it?

 

these people are wounded. they don't act out of a desire to hurt. they've simply lost the capacity within themselves to act out more proactive behaviors. in a way they don't know any better. they may have an awareness that their actions are wrong...but deep down they have nothing to validate that awareness...and therefore have no real reason to change.

 

these are not easy things to change. it requires a process of integrating new behaviors. in most cases...a supportive relationship is the ideal way for this to happen.

[Amasa]

I'm actually VERY hopeful for that, but right now they just dont seem to care, IN FACT, they try to make up lies about me, to justify that the things they did were infact OK, which amazes me lol, and yet I do not understand why you would lie to cover up for your own mistake

 

 

They have to. If you didn't do anything wrong and did those things to you then they would be a bad person. No one is going to admit to themselves that they are a bad person. So they have to villify you and make you into the bad person who deserved their bad behavior some how.

 

If you get upset about it and spread lies back or defend yourself by badmouthing them, then it makes you look just the same as them, or even reinforce that they were right. You have to take yourself out of it. Be above it. So they are running around saying bad things about you and you say ohh it just ended. He'll look stupid and spiteful, and you'll look mature. And when badmouthing you doesn't work, he'll have to really look at the situation and maybe realize he screwed up.

But you can't tell him he screwed up, and you can't tell other people he screwed up. He'll never realize it like that.

[INeedHelpFast]

Wow thanks alot that just made it alot more clear! , yeah thats true, i can only hope she realizes her mistake, but right now it seems as though she is just moving on, without realizing that mistake, but at the same time it seems like she is playing games.. i dont see how you can go badmouthing someone, and then say "im done for good" lolll when in fact it was YOU who is at fault. as for doing the same thing in return.. ive stayed quiet, i didn't want to stoop down to that level, but i also wanted to come off as being more mature, and in hopes that since im not saying anything they would feel guilty?

 

also, i could never imagine doing that if i loved someone.. i wouldnt badmouth someone i loved no matter what the problem may have been..

 

 

has anyone been in this type of a situation? and how did you cope with it? i dont know about everyone else, but them not feeling anything kind of makes it more painful, especially if you loved them dearly

[anonguy77]

I have seen this situation before, with the no remorse, no feeling as if they can just walk away and be done with it. Sometimes when people want things to end they will morph the the picture of you in their minds into something terrible and opposite of what you really are. They do this because it will be easier to leave you that way. Once they have created this new picture of you in their heads, they leave. Sometimes they never return, having convinced themselves that you are a bad person who mistreated them.

 

Most of the time it is not about you, but instead about them not wanting the relationship anymore and just wanting to destroy it completely, whether they are aware of it or not. At some point the decision to destroy the relationship takes place and there is often no turning back.

[INeedHelpFast]

I have seen this situation before, with the no remorse, no feeling as if they can just walk away and be done with it. Sometimes when people want things to end they will morph the the picture of you in their minds into something terrible and opposite of what you really are. They do this because it will be easier to leave you that way. Once they have created this new picture of you in their heads, they leave. Sometimes they never return, having convinced themselves that you are a bad person who mistreated them.

 

Most of the time it is not about you, but instead about them not wanting the relationship anymore and just wanting to destroy it completely, whether they are aware of it or not. At some point the decision to destroy the relationship takes place and there is often no turning back.

 

 

 

i agree, do you think its the same case if lets say you broke up with your gf but then she started going around spreading lies AFTER u broke up with them?

 

at that point i feel like they want u but cant come to admit their mistake, either that or just mind games.. and wouldnt they start feeling guilty about the badmouthing? especially if you showed no reaction to it?

[pinkelephant]

i've asked this very question about my ex bf and i concluded that it just means he didnt care enough about me. and he's too selfish to care about my feelings.

 

after my ex screwed me over, i went out and screwed a LOT of people over. i didn't feel remorse for it until much much later. now i know it's wrong and realize that my feelings arent the ones that matter and other people feel just as deeply if not more than i do. so now, i feel bad for what i did. i know it was wrong... maybe there's still something else, but i don't feel THAT badly about it. its just a mistake for me and i've learned from it. i wont ever be so reckless about other people's feelings anymore but i'm not dying of guilt.

 

so not really remorse, still but taken in as a lesson learn. i hope that makes sense...

[anonguy77]

I think when you break up with them and then they start lying about and badmouthing you, it is because they are seeking revenge for being found out and dumped. Since they can't have you back, they will want to tell others what a bad person you are. And in their mind, you are a bad person because they have convinced themselves you are - especially since according to them, you had no cause to dump them in the first place.

[INeedHelpFast]

I think when you break up with them and then they start lying about and badmouthing you, it is because they are seeking revenge for being found out and dumped. Since they can't have you back, they will want to tell others what a bad person you are. And in their mind, you are a bad person because they have convinced themselves you are - especially since according to them, you had no cause to dump them in the first place.

 

i guess that also makes sense, what if you still want them back, if things improve (and i know people are thinking, why would you want to be with this person), but i do believe in second chances, would it make sense to completely flat out ignore them? i would think ignoring them would make them rethink the decision they made to convince themselves to think the counterpart was a bad person lol

 

she went around bad mouthing for about 2 weeks, but we have had no contact for about a month, and now it just seems like she is trying to make me jealous indirectly..

 

 

i know this is off topic, but does anyone recommend a book that describes how the mind works? lol , just interested in how people think i guess, or what causes them to make the decisions they do

[LBP]

Indeed, this very thing happened to me. People have already encapsulated the mindset that leads to this sort of behavior and all I can add is that, no, there is no reason to anticipate their remorse or capitulation to bad feeling. The best way to look at it is that, one way or another, it doesn't much matter how they feel about the whole thing. That's irrelevant to your process; you're moving on, and it's probably going to be without them.

 

If you want some solace, I will say that until these people figure themselves out, there tend to be a lot of burnt bridges and a lot of loneliness before it is all said and done. That will hurt her just as much as she has hurt you, and it will likely last for quite sometime longer than your own pain. You are capable of introspection, and that is a gift. Make the most of it.

[WomanWriter]

Some people rationalize their actions, like some posters already mentioned. They see their behavior as justified because of something you did or didn't do, even if it's as simple as "failing to keep up their interest." They may also assume that "everyone else" does it, therefore it makes it OK. They don't see themselves as guilty or to blame because they don't see their acts as abnormal. How can they feel remorseful if they don't think they did anything wrong?

[LBP]

i know this is off topic, but does anyone recommend a book that describes how the mind works? lol , just interested in how people think i guess, or what causes them to make the decisions they do

 

If you're in college, just go to the campus library's psychology section. There will be thousands of extremely enlightening books on whatever topic you can possibly imagine.

 

The post at the top of page 2 has some good scholarship woven into its advice.

[INeedHelpFast]

hmm what exactly do you mean by the loneliness? right now it seems as though she has her friends telling her that she did NOTHING wrong, and she has a guy friend to take her attention away from the break up, which raises the question, with people telling her that she did nothing wrong (and they tell her this because she lies to them about the situation to get sympathy) will she EVER realize she was wrong?

[arcadefire]

Just a general question on what everyone thinks, even though it does pertain to my situation somewhat, it has got me thinking after hearing other peoples' stories.

 

 

When you catch your partner lying to you, and you end the relationship with them because of it, why do you think they are never remorseful of their actions of lying?

 

One would think, "oh I lied, so let me apologize, and see if I can fix things"....

 

It's because they are selfish individuals only looking out for themselves. My last ex was cheating on me the entire time we were dating, and right when I found out he "suddenly" felt remorse. Apologizing, begging, then spiteful and sending me messages that he was "justified" in doing so because he "owed her for helping his dying dad." I never felt so disgusted in my life. It's not like a temporary feeling of remorse is going to change the fact that he never felt guilty for lying to my face and disrespecting me every day we were together.

[LBP]

hmm what exactly do you mean by the loneliness? right now it seems as though she has her friends telling her that she did NOTHING wrong, and she has a guy friend to take her attention away from the break up, which raises the question, with people telling her that she did nothing wrong (and they tell her this because she lies to them about the situation to get sympathy) will she EVER realize she was wrong?

 

No, not necessarily. But the way she treated you will probably play out in the way she treats others. You're making a logical misstep if you assume that her current (and entirely superficial, at least, to the best of your knowledge) 'happiness' will last forever.

 

Never assume that anything will happen or will play out a certain way. From experience, we can make decisions based upon probability, but there's no guarantee. From what I've seen, the sort of people who feel remorse and never admit to wrong doing wind up fooling themselves, fooling others and eventually all alone. Just because I've never seen a counter example does not mean that it is an impossible outcome. I expect at some point she'll be sitting, somewhere, reflecting and come to the conclusion that she may have done wrong and how that might reflect on her person. But that's all it will be. Won't really be your thing any more, unless fate has some unlikely twist in store; it'll be about her growth.

 

See pinkelephant's post if you need help understanding what I mean...

[INeedHelpFast]

that makes alot of sense, i guess i cant really wait around for realization to hit her.

 

i think there are just alot of variables that are confusing me in my personal situation. i know that everytime we have been on and off, she always fought to maintain a friendship, but that has yet to happen?