He leaves Monday.

[ay0_x]

My boyfriend is leaving on Monday.

 

He's moving to a town that's about 4 hours' drive away. I won't be able to see him until February. (I'm moving there for school). I had adequate warning that this was going to happen before we started dating 2 months ago. I didn't think we'd really grow into something.

 

I think i'm falling for him now.. Irony hey lol.

 

We've decided to still be together but I've always been really anti-LDR. As much as I am anti-LDR, I really like him and I couldn't bear the thought of going back to dating.

 

For those of you who went into LDR's... what was the hardest thing? How did you cope? Did you notice any changes? Was it worth it? Why/Why not? If anyone has gone from LDR to a normal relationship (with the same partner)... was the transition easy? Did it make your bond stronger?

 

I'm really curious. We were webcamming today and I had to turn off the cam because I'd started crying. He's under too much stress and I'm so not adding to it.

 

But yeah. IF anyone could answer my questions. Ty.

[Seymore]

I personally haven't, but my best friend has been dating a girl for 3 years now. They met when he lived in St. Louis. He moved back home to Chicago after 1 year and would visit her maybe once a month.

 

Last year, she went on a school trip for 6 months to Scotland. He was fine with that. Next month she'll be gone for 9 months to teach English in Spain. He's fine with that too. Personally, I couldn't do that. I think the only thing that bothers him about it is that she keeps nagging him to go live out there with her, which he doesn't want to do.

[Batya33]

We were LDR for most of our relationship (been together 4 years, married for 7 months). And, he moved to different states twice during that time.

 

The reason it worked for us was because we'd known each other for years, we could afford to visit each other at least every 12 days or so (air flights to each other's cities or meeting in the middle), we were great on the phone (spoke at least once a day), and from the first day we decided to be in a relationship it was with the understanding that the goal, eventually, was to live in the same city (even if that meant me relocating) and to see if we should get married. Also we lived in the same city for the first few months, although that was a surprise change of plans on his part so we went into it thinking we'd be LD from day one.

 

I wouldn't have done it with someone I didn't know as well and definitely not where we couldn't see each other at least twice a month because otherwise it would become too fantasy-based and would take too much time to figure out whether we should get married. As it was it did slow down the process somewhat of figuring things out.

 

Disadvantages for me were of course the missing him (but sometimes it's good to miss each other a bit), the stress related to travel, being reluctant to talk things out sometimes because we were on the phone and couldn't see each other in person for awhile, having to go to events, parties etc without him (minor disadvantage).

 

Why can't you see him until February? 4 hours' drive doesn't sound that bad.

[bronte]

Communication is the hardest thing about a LDR, I think--the time you get to talk to each other is so limited that you end up not mentioning when things are bothering you or you don't want to "waste" the time talking about the negative things going on in your life, and it's hard to continue to feel connected when you're only sharing such small portions of your life with each other.

 

Talking on the phone is a definite MUST, don't let instant messaging or texting be a substitute for that. Only webcam if you're using microphones and can hear each other clearly.

[ay0_x]

Ty for the info.

 

His mother's not letting him come into the city (they're moving into the countryside) because she thinks it's too much of a waste of money (he hasn't been too good with money in the past so she cringes at the thought).

 

I can't go to see him because I'm still living with my parents and they'd be furious at even the idea of me going 4 hours away "just to see a guy".

 

We're both still young. After February it would just be a normal relationship, marriage is nowhere in sights quite yet (I'm 18 and he's 19).

[ay0_x]

Communication is the hardest thing about a LDR, I think--the time you get to talk to each other is so limited that you end up not mentioning when things are bothering you or you don't want to "waste" the time talking about the negative things going on in your life, and it's hard to continue to feel connected when you're only sharing such small portions of your life with each other.

 

Talking on the phone is a definite MUST, don't let instant messaging or texting be a substitute for that. Only webcam if you're using microphones and can hear each other clearly.

 

Oh we hardly webcam. We talk on the phone for atleast 2 hours a day right now, and I dont think it'll change when we shift to LDR.

[sfullerton]

I dated a guy for about a year that was LD from like...day 3...he was in the military and stationed hours away. I, personally, couldn't take it and flew to him every couple months. He came home 3 times within that year. Honestly- it was great. We never had a "stale" moment. Our relationship grew very strongly.

That hardest part was that we still had our stupid little couple fights that normally wouldn't amount to anything...but because we were LD, we never had an opportunity to really let things be and get over it the next day- mostly because he was a pretty heavy drinker when I met him. That was what most of our arguments were over. But, he made progress in that year and things got better. We ended up breaking up over something stupid...I missed him ALL the time and it just got worse and things progressed. We didn't talk for about 2 years after the break up. We recently talked again and we both realized that if we wouldn't have let that stupid fight get to that point- we would probably have worked out...but I am engaged now and he is in Iraq so I feel it is the case of "the one who got away". My advice to you is to keep the communication very open. Talk about things as they come up- do not let them fester. Always important in any relationship but very very important for LD. You can do it- webcams help, a set phone call schedule can help. We would talk every other night at 9pm my time...I knew when to expect that call and looked forward to it every day. Be prepared to let him have a separate life from you because you arent' there to share in everything but also let him know that you want to hear about his life now.

That is just my advice...and good luck- it is not easy but if you really want to make it work- a lot of people get through it! And those people are usualy the ones with a very strong relationship!

[katt_marie]

LDR are very hard to maintain in my opinion. I was with this guy for 2 1/2 years and part of it was LDR. Partly the reason why is because he would go home to California (we go to school in new york) during the summer and I live in Ohio. So the whole summer, three months was without him. It was very difficult but we did talk to each other on aim a lot and talked on the videophone everyday (i'm deaf so we talk on this webcam thing that is a lot faster than a webcam). We did make it through after the first summer! Hoorah!

 

However.... the second summer wasn't too great because we were both doing internships, his in CA and mine in NY. So we kind of lost in touch in terms of communication. We were both getting frustrated with each other with our busy schedules and getting mad at each other for not communicating. It was very difficult. I don't want to break your hopes or anything but we did not make it after that summer. Literally 4 months after that summer we fought constantly and finally agreed to break up.

 

All I can say, the reason behind my failed relationship is the lack of communication. Just TALK everyday whatever you can! Good luck.

[Batya33]

When I was that age what we did (he went to a college that was a 7 hour drive/one hour flight) was decide that we would be allowed to see other people and see how things were when we were able to be together on a regular basis. He was my HS sweetheart and we had been dating almost 3 years when he left for college. My parents let me visit him once in the Fall. We ended up breaking up completely the following summer but I don't think it was really the distance - just in general growing apart. Back then we had no Internet - just handwritten letters, and an occasional phone call (long distance was expensive).

 

Since you've known him a short time and given the travel constraints and that marriage is far off/not even on the table now I would advise this approach and see where you are in February.

 

ps my parents were long distance for four years - saw each other once a month, wrote letters, maybe talked by phone once a month -- age 17 when they started - but they were engaged before the LD started -- been married 53 years, so far so good ;-). So, it can work as a committed relationship but I would think you'd want to be very focused on a long term commitment, otherwise being in a new area (for him) and being without him (for you) will likely prove to be too distracting with the relationship seeming like a barrier more than a joy. Sorry to seem "cynical" but to me it's a realistic view.

[sylvir]

Phew... This is going to be a bit long, but it's my experience:

 

My now ex boyfriend, who I was serious with, went abroad to study for a year. It is now seven months into that one year and while I am going to have to jump the wagon and say we are now apart, I still miss him every day, and from what I heard, he still misses me.

 

However, the problem with my relationship was that he was moving to a whole other country, putting our time difference to 14 hours apart. You can imagine how little time we get to spend with each other.

 

Anyway, my initial feelings were betrayal. Even though I knew he was going and I was okay with him going, I felt really betrayed. Like him leaving was an underhanded way of saying "I don't want to be with you" or "I've lost interest in you". And I guess I was a little paranoid he would cheat on me or he was going to break up with me any second now that we're apart. And of course, it turned out all of these fears were put down when he would send me cultural gifts from the country, cute photos, and stayed up to help me with any problems I was having, even though it was going into early morning his time.

 

Then I was really happy for a couple of months, but then Valentines day came and that was brutal... If anything I was the negligent one for slowly getting close to another guy. I didn't tell my then boyfriend about it, so I'm not sure if he knows. But shortly after, my boyfriend's best friend very subtly gave me a "nudge on the shoulders", and I was back in reality. I stopped seeing this new guy (although I had kept my priorities straight, I didn't do anything with him except watch movies or sleep over at his place, even then I always snuck out to the couch).

 

Well, now I had ruined a perfectly good friendship. All I had to do was tell the other guy I had no intentions of breaking up with my boyfriend, and he would have liked to remain friends. But I led him on. Then I turned out to be one of those horrible girls that I hate so much.

 

Anyway, my feelings for my boyfriend remained just as strong as before he left, until he started getting busier and busier, and then I would only see him maybe once a week. I felt like if I just broke it off, I wouldn't be so hurt anymore. But I couldn't. At that point I was scared, thinking things like "what if he was the one?" or "what if I don't find anyone else?". So, in the end, I didn't have the courage to break up with him, although my feelings had started to slowly fade away. Like it couldn't remember that feeling of when I was in his arms or when we kissed, etc.

 

Then, two months ago, I met another guy... Who was basically chasing after me >

 

For another month, I forgot about my ex boyfriend and only focused on my current boyfriend. Well, a month later this new guy and I grew apart, although we remained good friends. You know, you date and then find out you're not right for each other.

 

However, now all I feel is regret and I am actually trying to get back with my current ex. But getting back with someone long distance isn't exactly the easiest thing. It almost feels impossible, since we can't kiss and make up or hug or have any physical contact. It's just "lets get back together" "ok" "smiley face"...

 

Anyway, so basically what you should get out of this 1) don't give in to temptation 2) always talk to him, your worries are usually his worries, too 3) don't selfishly do things without talking to him 4) consider your feelings for him, talk to him...

 

So in the end, everything does come down to communication. Always talk your worries out, don't just assume one way or another. Aaaand well, best of luck ^^

[Mavh25]

Me and my guy were together a year and a bit before he moved to America, me staying in the UK.

 

It was rough as hell, luckily you only have a 4 hour distance, you can just drive to eachother now and again right?

 

I found it hard, I was insecure alot of the time.. not cos I did'nt trust him but not being there for significant things or for certain situations I got paranoid.

 

However I think people who get through LDR's are stronger. We are now married after 3 years of an LDR, and as much as I hated the LDR it did'nt really do anything to us except make things better and make us appreciate eachother more.

 

EDIT: as Jeckyll says, you need to communicate as much as poss. You should also set some ground rules kind of. About how often you talk, when you talk, do's and don'ts. Its not about control its about respect still.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I haven't but I know other people who've done LDR. On this forum there's loads too.

 

I think as long as you both communicate/talk every day it should be fine and you won't drift apart.

I'm also pretty anti LDR but for 7-8 months I'd DEFinitly do it... IF that person was someone I really liked and wanted to be serious with.