My take on How to get Him/Her back if you became a Lazy Fool in the relationship...

[SRTtoZ]

Ok well from reading a TON of posts and being on a bunch of messageboards, reading books etc...I think I have a good take on how to possibly re-attract your ex girlfriend if you fell into the hole that many partners find themselves in when in a serious relationship.

 

My GF broke up with me 2 weeks ago and after being NC for that time I finally found out what my problem has been and why every major GF Ive had has broken up with me. I get LAZY! I drop everything for her...I stop going to the gym, I stop seeing my friends, I stop seeing my family (once in a while). I spend every waking moment with her on the weekends and then I work during the week. She always wanted to meet my friends and I alwas had an excuse. I gained 30 lbs while we were together (UGH, fatty). When she met me I was confident, attractive, independent and so on. I had my own life...But once we got serious I stopped that. I became Pale (cuz I didnt go out), my confidence dropped when I started to see MAN BOOBS! And I depended on her for fun in my life. Eventually she said enough is enough and didnt really give me that as why she broke up with me, but because I was very needy (I did become that). So I finally figured out that the key to my future relationships it to maintain that independence while dating and still caring for her, but dont drop everything for her. You have to maintain a perfect balance which isnt easy.

 

Ok so back on topic...

 

To re-attract your ex if this happened to you, you'd need to get back to where you were before.

 

1) WORK OUT. Do lots of cardio, muscle building...take your protein, eat healthy...Plus after a breakup, endorphins rule your life!! It makes you feel sooo good (natural painkillers FTW).

 

2) Tan! If you become pale ass like me, tan!! Tanning subconsciencely makes you look healthy. Pale = bad.

 

3) Crest white strips. If you're teeth are amazing anyway then dont worry but sometimes an extra whitening is nice. Not a necessity but whatever.

 

4) Be happy...let her go (to an extent) and be happy. If she calls you, tell her exciting stuff about life and dont be down...dont tell her how much you miss her etc. NOT Yet.

 

5) Be funny...witty! It all depends on your personailty but I am a funny guy to most people...weird humor but funny nonetheless. Don't be down...your ex will KNOW you're acting. Be funny, witty and kid around with her...be that guy you were when you met her.

 

6) Dress differently. I'm not talking a complete makeover but gain some fashion sense. While we were dating my fashion sense went out the window because I put on some weight and started wearing old ass baggy fat tees. Since Ive lost 25lbs and put on a good amt of muscle. I can now wear my sweet tight fitted clothing again. (not too metro tight).

 

All of this is important because this is what she was initially attracted to. And even if she wanst initially attracted to this, she will see you "change" and the first thing a women notices about change is HOW YOU LOOK. She will say "Hmm, he has changed to a certain extent". We ALLLLLL preached "Change" when we had the dreaded talk "OMG I WILL CHANGE i promise, JUST dont break up with me, we will work it out"...and this is the time for her to actually see your actions and say...wow, he is changing. I'm not saying this will help for a long lasting relationship but I'm saying this will help maybe patch things up in the future and allow for a NEW Second relationship between you two. Start from scratch...NEVER continue your relationship. Only put effort into this if you really want it to work and want to change your well being for the future.

 

I remember my GF told me that THIS IS the guy I was...But its not. I became that in my relationship but thats not who I am. NO girl in earth wants a clingy, unhealthy looking, dependent, man boob guy. Focus on yourself and even when you get into your next relationship focus on YOURSELF first, HER second. I always told my GF's "I put my girlfriend first". BS...Unless youre married, keep it to yourself. You need to do all of this for yourself and better yourself because you can attract tha girl again.

 

A new you, a new look, all of that contributes to her or him associating you with change...and after all, how many times have we cried to our ex's "OMG I WILL CHANGE" only to not change because we've never had time to actually sit and think about what went wrong. ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

 

Which is why NC works wonders at first...If you remain friends and see eachother now and then, she wont see the change...She will see the same person who will follow her command at any moment. That makes you weak and you dont want that.

 

Anyway thats just my take on things...I only say this from personal experience because this is a trend I fall into when I get into a serious relationship. I am very active, fit and all that before I get into one...then once I get into one, I stop everything and focus on the girl and get VERY lazy. Then when we break up, I get back into working out, being independent...and they eventually notice through maybe a random meeting, or "lunch" or something and usually at some point want to try things again. They tell me how really good I look and are re-attracted to me. Just like the first time you met. Without that attraction you would'nt have had a relationship in the first place.

 

Just make 2 cents.

[HoldingHope]

I began working out and doing a makeover when my ex dumped me. It was more of a survival tool at first because I was so devestated. It does help you regain some sense of control over you and your life, and gives you confidence so I highly recommend it. Most often we DO lose ourself in relationships and become something different than what THEY fell in love with us for. It is always important to make you number one in your life and no matter how much you are into someone or what is going on, dont let yourself down. Treat you like you'd want someone to treat you.

 

NC is great in the beginning for a myriad of reasons and I highly suggest it. It kept me from getting a restraining order lol because I was out of control and just begging and crying and all that mess. I got my respect back and it is worth it.

 

Focus on you! Its fun and rewarding. Within 6 weeks the compliments starting piling in. And it was nice.

[lostandunhappy]

It is so easy to fall into the "comfort zone" when in a relationship. I know I did over the course of my 8 year relationship with my ex, I actually gained over 100lb in weight and it got to the point where I was embarassed to even go out. I got depressed and ate more and drank more beer at home it was a never ending circle for me.

 

That was 3 months ago, I decided to make some drastic changes to my lifestyle and since then I have lost 90lb in weight and feel much more confident about myself. The gym is a godsend and I feel guilty now if I miss out on my daily workout.

 

I'm not back with my ex but hope for a chance further down the line when I'm feeling myself once more. I'm sure the "new and improved" me has a higher chance or rekindling our romance than the "old and depressed" me.

 

I highly recommend working out after a break up it just gives you something to focus on initially and over time everytime you work out afterwards you just feel empowered.

[SRTtoZ]

I think the biggest reasons why Relationships fail is because of the "Comfort zone" thing. After this latest breakup I told myself I am NEVER going to have this happen again. It just wont happen...Its a lifestyle change for me and NO girl going forward should have to deal with that in a relatinship with ME.

 

And most def. Regardless of if the chances of getting back together with an ex arent that good, I bet you have a way better shot if you're in shape, healthy, confident, active...then if you're a bum, fat, unhealthy and needy.

 

Ciao!

[WomanWriter]

WOW....

 

This is one of the most insightful pieces I've read.

 

It shed A LOT of understanding on why my ex broke up with me and what he meant by "comfort zone"...I had complained of him taking me for granted shortly before the break-up and he basically admitted that it was true.

 

So he didn't feel like he could be "himself" when he was in a relationship. I guess that's why his first ex really broke up with him. My ex also got fat and lazy (and in some ways, so did I).

 

I am taking this advice to heart.

 

Still, it saddens me that a person can't just "be themself" in the relationship/ I feel like my ex blamed my presence on his "laziness," but I feel like was always that way regardless of me. It just sucks that he couldn't "be himself" with me. That is a huge blow to my ego, to be honest (plus, I don't think its's at all fair...he used to say he felt more like himself with me than anyone...so why blame ME at the end?). Also, I don't like to feel blamed for something that could have been helped. He didn't do enough with himself, but why is that my fault? I didn't hold him back! I only wanted to spend one day a week with him (on the weekend). He made it sound like we wrapped our lives around each other, but I don't feel that way even though he does feel that way. So I feel a sense of injustice. Darn folks...why can't they get their stuff together IN the relationship? Are they just the kind of people who take everything in life for granted? This sucks.

 

What you're saying makes really good sense though. I wish I could send this post to my ex so he can understand it himself. I feel like he just associates me with depression and lethargy, but it don't feel it's a valid association and that hurts.

 

Also, what you said about them thinking you are a certiain way sticks with me too. I feel like my ex "sees" me as Depression itself. He sees me a certain way...as someone to resist, someone who is interferring with his freedom.

 

That makes me angry, quite frankly...it's anger I'm still working on and am not quite over yet. How dare he characterize me as some static person who will forever be associated with bad times in his life? What about the peolpe in his life who didn't treat him right? THEY get to be in his life still while his best friend who was patient with him gets to be shut out.

 

That just seems so messed up. But it definitely makes me want to change even more to "prove" I'm not just going to exist as some projected stereotype in his mind!!!!

[atelis]

I understand you have probably done some work on this, but i think you are totally off the mark.

 

Co-dependancy is not about whether you are tanned and buffed. It's about seeking validation externally due to in inherent low self worth. You can have as much protein powder as you like and pump as much iron as you like, but i almost gurantee you it will happen again, unless you do something to address your co-dependance and do some work to understand why it is that you are co-dependant.

 

I think you have looked at some superficial symptoms and totally overlooked the real underlying causes of your co-dependance.

 

That's my two cents

[SRTtoZ]

Also keep in mind there's more to all of this to keeping it going afterwards than JUST looks. I think looks played a part in my losing confidence and holding back my GF because I never wanted to go out and hang out with her friends (they were all pretty people, I won't lie) and I was losing it...So I think if people can get back to where they were physically AND mentally before the relationship got to its 'lazy' stage, it could be something that can last and be interesting in the long run. Think about it...two people want to be together FOREVER (damn thats a LONG time), you have to keep things interesting...Once they fall into the normal everyday agenda then people will start wondering what else is out there. I know its not fair but its just life. It should make you going forward want to strive harder and want to impress your partner.

 

Lastly definetely dont look at this like you have to be on your toes, exciting everyday of your life...because thats not true, but you have to keep that perfect balance and thats the hardest part of maintaining a relationship.

[WomanWriter]

Of course it is about co-dependency, atelis. The reason why I like this post is because it basically explains what it is. I never really understood it...I mean, sure I know all about it and the control/fear, etc. but explaining it in terms my ex used such as "comfort zone" and whatnot, gives me a concrete picture of what it is.

 

And how do we resolve co-dependency? You think telling ourselves to rely on ourself for happiness alone is going to suddenly make us happy to be independent?

 

I think working on ourselves is a good start...I don't think getting in physical shape should be a way to get a partner back, but it's a way to start caring for yourself instead of relying on others to care for you.

 

I think this post is revealing of what a lot of people go through...they get too comfortable...my ex told me as much. He said we were "holding each other back" and this is exactly what he meant, I believe. He meant we (he) got lazy and took me for granted and didn't work on his goals. And I think that's very true, although I'm not happy about it.

 

This does not negate the causes of co-dependence...I'm already pretty aware of my causes. Now it's time to focus on solutions.

[SRTtoZ]

I understand you have probably done some work on this, but i think you are totally off the mark.

 

Co-dependancy is not about whether you are tanned and buffed. It's about seeking validation externally due to in inherent low self worth. You can have as much protein powder as you like and pump as much iron as you like, but i almost gurantee you it will happen again, unless you do something to address your co-dependance and do some work to understand why it is that you are co-dependant.

 

I think you have looked at some superficial symptoms and totally overlooked the real underlying causes of your co-dependance.

 

That's my two cents

 

No no no atelis...read my above post. I never said doing all that would help your co-dependence...because it would'nt. THAT Is something you need to change and take a look at closely going forward if you want to patch up the relationship.....BUT this thread was created for your ex to take interest in you again. THEN its completely up to you to make any changes you want to your life for the better.

 

I think losing confidence definetly has an adverse effect on the co-dependency issue because I am a completely 100% independent person outside of a relationship....with friends, with family...with work. I work the best alone and I can do anything I want on my own.

 

In a relationship I have been telling myself that what a girl wants is a "dedicated" man who gives everything to her. Thats what you see in movies and thats what you grow up thinking...but thats completely wrong. A girl wants the complete opposite....They want an independent, strong willed, assertive, 'still dedicated', confident guy...Its like I said earlier, a balance between YOUR LIFE...HER LIFE...and BOTH of your lives. You need them to all be seperated or else you risk smothering. And let me tell you...some couples are all about smothering but id say the majority arent.

 

I think its more of understanding a NEW approach to a relationship once you know these things and can apply them. I was trained one way to approach a relationship and then one day I kind of eventually figured out what I was doing was wrong and was pushing away my former girlfriends. At the end of the day I figured out that I was just PLAIN LAZY. Telling myself that "pfft, she loves me, and thats all that matters". Thats not all that matters...You need way more than that. Life isnt about just TWO of you having fun and going out. Its about interacting with frends and family and letting her live her life at the same time that I live mine...we dont have to be arm to arm everyday.

 

I even went as far as thinking about the times that I broke up with girls (5 times in my life and im 25yrs old) and EVERY SINGLE GIRL I broke up with was because they were clingy and dependent on me. I dont find that attractive and neither would someone else.

 

Being tan and in shape is not going to fix your relationship problems, but you would be amazed on the kind of effect something like that has on a woman. Its more subconscious than anything...they see someone who takes care of themself and he LOOKS healthy. A tan is nice because tan people look healthier than pale people. All of this adds up to a woman because the man seems like a worthy person to father their child. Again, all subconsciecly..they arent sitting there saying "oooo look its my babies daddy!!".

[WomanWriter]

I see what you are saying, SRT. It just really hurts. This is the first time I've seen a post that was so descriptive of my ex's perspective (or what he might say since he could not really articulate it). I've been looking for some reason or explanation for what he told me and this seems to be exactly in line with everything he was trying to say.

 

I guess the crushing part is that he basically saw me as clingy and dependent and saw himself as being the same.

 

To me, that means he basically didn't love me anymore...and that's a KILLER. Sure, he told me he still loved me when we were breaking up, but everything in this post points to otherwise. That he "fell out of love" (as they say). That all the other reasons are just sub points and the main reason is because he wanted more of a life away from me. And since we were only seeing each other a couple HOURS a week, even THAT got to be too much for him apparently.

 

So the bottom, sad, sad, sad line is that: he didn't love me anymore. He chose not to because he didn't like the person I was and the person he was.

 

That is ultimately painful.

[SRTtoZ]

Unfortunately womenwriter this happens way more often than most people know. I posted a similar topic on a different forum and found 3 other guys INSTANTLY who said they fell vicitim to the exact same thing. Everytime in the past that a girl has broken up with me over said items, I just brushed it off and said they were doing something wrong. "pfft, they are losing out on me and my great qualities"...it was VERY selfish of me to think that way. It only hit me on my last breakup where I actually sat down and studied, read, thought things out for a long time and came up with this conclusion.

[moonbug]

This is a good thread and each of us definitely needs to focus on ourselves, before during and after being in a relationship. However, the OP seems to be thinking of this as a way to get their exes back. I don't think thats true. Getting an ex back totally depends on them changing their mind. And I don't think too many dumpers will change their minds based on the changes suggested here. If they do, the relationship would seem somewhat immature to me in the first place.

 

The stuff suggested here is great, no doubt about that. But if the motivation for it comes from the idea that at the end you will get your ex back, then I don't think thats the right way to go.

[SRTtoZ]

The stuff suggested here is great, no doubt about that. But if the motivation for it comes from the idea that at the end you will get your ex back, then I don't think thats the right way to go.

 

I agree but you know what man...Motivation is motivation. It definetely has helped me get back into shape because one of two things can happen.

 

1) She sees your changes and wants to get back together some day. or

 

2) You dont get back together but you're damn ready and attractive to the next girl you meet.

 

Everyone has their own motiviational tools and this could be one of them. Maybe im different than other guys but I don't have much issues getting over my former GF's, regardless of being the Dumper or Dumpee. I've had enough relationships to where I know I can recover and know I can move on with or without that person.

 

Remember we are making this change for ourselves and not for our ex's...BUT if it helps get them back someday GREAT! If not, we are still maintaining and bettering ourselves for the future.

 

Maybe I have to stress more than this isnt a guaranteed success. It's just something that has happened to me in my relationships before. 3 out of 3 girlfriends have come back at some point to try to work things out with me. Sometimes I was interested but mostly I wasnt...That was MY CALL and thats all that counts. I'm talking about my situation here..and how I got lazy in my relationship. It happens a lot. This WONT Help you if you cheated...this WONT help you if you were a boring person to begin with. This WONT Help you if you are the complete opposite of your ex and just never figured that out.

[atelis]

the problem i have with it is that there are millions of buffed, tanned and great looking people out there who are extremely co-dependant.

 

Unless you are doing psychological work on yourself to address the underlying cause of co-dependance, then re-attracting or attracting someone new will simply make no difference because you will repeat the same addictive and compulsive patterns of behaviour again and again.

 

Can i ask what you have done to address the underlying causes of your co-dependance?

 

I can't help but feel that the same issues will plague you once you meet another woman. You even said earlier that you are a different person when you are single. Clearly then, your sub conscious triggers all your fears and insecurities when you enter into a relationship. This is where the psychological works needs to be done.

 

Do you know what causes your co-dependance? Laziness is not a cause of co-dependance.

[WomanWriter]

I think maybe the working out itself won't get an ex back, but it will show that you are capable of change, which is attractive in itself. The working out symbolizes your ability to work on yourself and take care of yourself, which is appealing...let's face it, we all probably prefer hard-working, disciplined people who can care for themselves.

 

Getting in shape is just the physical manifestation. It's the easiest change they can see.

 

But I agree that you can't change an ex's mind. You could look like a supermodel and it wouldn't make a difference if they set their mind on their stereotype of us (b/c afterall, isn't it a stereotype? They've pegged us as the dark cloud?)

 

Anyway, I like the idea of working out for ourselves...and if our ex is our motivation at first, so be it. Psychology is interesting that way...our motives may not be pure at first, but once we see the progress and start feeling good, the rest of the motivation will take care of itself.

 

I don't see anything wrong with the post unless you believe that by following it, you are going to get your ex back....I doiubt it! But I can see why it'd help...and not just because of physical attraction, but because of what change signifies.

[SRTtoZ]

Well its about bed time...but I will respectfully disagree. I think many people over analyze these 'co-dependence' issues. I think it has everything to do with my lazi-ness in a relationship...Stopping my entire life for the woman and letting myself go. Then getting to a point where I stop interacting with the other people in my life because I just want to focus on making the relationship 'work'. All you need is the right mindset and tell yourself you've been doing things the wrong way for the past 5 years of dating (twas a late bloomer *cough*) and try an entirely new approach. I dont think its anything more than that.

 

In fact ill keep this account and when my next relatinship comes I will test it out. Nothing in life is certain but I have tremendous willpower.

[SRTtoZ]

Woman, I could'nt put it in better words myself. Thats my point. My entire point. Gnite.

[WomanWriter]

I don't think laziness is a cause of co-dependence, atelis. Abandonment and engulfment issues are. For myself, I have deep abandonment issues that were most likely brought on by my dad neglecting me when I was young (many times and in many ways). For one thing, he was an alcoholic and was psychologically abusive towards me. He made it feel like it was my fault that he drank...if only I was a better person, he wouldn't have been driven to drink! That's what I thought. When he dropped me off in a parking lot and left me, I thougt something was wrong with me. My mom was furious, but I believed I was unwanted and unloved. My dad wanted me to be a boy...and wasn't shy about implying it often by the way he'd take my brother places and leave me with my mom. I was very crushed.

 

I tried hard to win my dad's approval and attention. I tried to make him laugh...then he'd turn around and tell my mom that young ladies should not be acting that way. That I should be seen and not heard. I was a wily tomboyish kid and felt like I didn't measure up to my feminine sister. I got straight A's and everyone thought I was a nerd. I was bullied and made fun of. I had friends but we were all nerds and peolpe used us to copy our homework.

 

I felt I had let them copy me to earn their friendship. I've always given things to family members, bought food for friends, etc. to "win" them over. I thought friendships meant soulmates. My friendships have always been deep and we seemed to share an identity.

 

In some ways, I will always treasure those friendships. We built our lives around each other. I was always looking for some place to belong...and since I never did drugs, hang out with gangs, etc....my addiction was/is relationships...not necessarily romantic ones.

 

My ex thought I was too close to my mom. My mom does tend to baby me, but at the same time, she can be rejecting. I often felt like the parent with her. She's had health problems since I was a kid and I was always scared she was going to die (nightmares). I've tried to be a perfect "little girl" for her so she wouldn't get upset and die. I know it sounds irrational, but I always feel like I have to take care of my mom.

 

I've realized that and have now put up some new boundaries. I've learned a lot about my neediness, but in a lot of ways, those issues were mostly worked out with my ex.

 

I think I attracted my ex because he saw me as passionate, in part because I was so naive. He wanted to take care of me because he knew my family problems and that I wanted to overcome them. He was moved by my ability to solve things.

 

But then it seemed like he got freaked out. I wasn't nagging him...I learned to just let those things go. I simply asked him to give me a call while he was on his work trip...nothing to do with trust, just wanted to know how his convention was going. No pressure, no negative tone of voice....just a friendly gesture.

 

His reactions were out of proportion. It's ironic to me how he felt so engulfed by me when I felt I was being less needy than I've ever been in the relationship. Part of me feels like he felt like he wasn't needed anymore...he couldn't save me...and he couldn't save himself, so he wanted out.

 

I think he even resented that I couldn't help him with problems. He probably wanted me to lecture him about not going to class. he complained that I accepted him TOO much...I just figured it was HIS business and he needed to worry about it HIMSELF...at least that's what I did at the end...earlier, I would have tried to encourage him but I figured it was useless.

 

He's the one who started nagging ME all the time, NOT vice-versa. So I started to see HIM as being co-dependent because I didn't think it was his business what shoes I wanted to wear or what I wanted to order for dinner in the restaurant with MY money, you know?

 

I'm not sure EXACTLY why he was so co-dependent but I DO know he was raised in the church and one time I heard his dad yell at him. He said "I DIDN"T RAISE YOU TO GET ANGRY!" His dad was pretty authoritarian and controlling and my ex wasn't allowed to disagree. So I felt like he was taking his reblellion on his parents out on me.

 

It's complicated. I wish someone could simplify all this!

[atelis]

Well its about bed time...but I will respectfully disagree. I think many people over analyze these 'co-dependence' issues. I think it has everything to do with my lazi-ness in a relationship...Stopping my entire life for the woman and letting myself go. Then getting to a point where I stop interacting with the other people in my life because I just want to focus on making the relationship 'work'. All you need is the right mindset and tell yourself you've been doing things the wrong way for the past 5 years of dating (twas a late bloomer *cough*) and try an entirely new approach. I dont think its anything more than that.

 

In fact ill keep this account and when my next relatinship comes I will test it out. Nothing in life is certain but I have tremendous willpower.

 

i just think it's too simplistic and ignores the real causes of co-dependance.

 

I have worked out all my life......i'm in great shape, tanned, waxed etc and have never taken a woman for granted in my relationsips, but yet i acted co-dependantly in my last relationship and in the one previous to that.

 

I think you are ignoring the central cause of your co-dependance and that is fear. When you give yourself up for another person, you do so through fear. when you have fear, your natural compulsion is to want to control. You control by giving yourself up and becoming enmeshed with your partner.

 

It looks and manifests as laziness, but giving yourself up (which is what it sounds like you do) is not laziness.

[atelis]

well you understand the intellect behind it. both you and your ex were not being authentic and you hid behind each other. that's what co-dependants do.........they hide their real self behind other co-dependants in order to avoid from looking at themselves.

 

typically as you explained, someone whose primary fear is abandonment will usually hook up with someone who's primary fear is engulfment. They then engage in the dance of intimacy...... come here go away. Both abandonment and engulfment are two sides of the same coin and in both cases, those who suffer from engulfment and abandonment fear giving and receiving love.

 

You both had emotionally abusive and emotionally dishonest parents, therefore you have both been raised in an environment where it wasn't 'safe' to be yourselves. You were both raised in a shameful environment and taught that 'i will only love you if you take care of my needs'.

[moonbug]

If the OP had his laziness as the major issue behind his relationships failing, then I might agree that the things listed here will help him. However, as far as my knowledge goes, laziness (physical) is nowhere near the prime reasons of relationships failing. If the reasons behind failure are deeper, no amount of agility, enthusiasm, and workouts will help you.

 

That being said, the things that OP has listed are good for everyone, irrespective of the causes of failure of the relationship. In fact, they are good for everyone, whether or not they are IN a relationship. But I don't think it is right to go after these things believing they will get your ex back. The OP said 'any kind of motivation is good motivation' or something. I am not so sure. If you don't get your reasons for motivation correctly aligned with the goals you are trying to achieve, there is a risk of the goal not being achieved. Tell me OP, lets say you start working out, your motivation being the belief that this will get your ex back. Now if the reasons for the breakup were deeper (insecurity, trust issues etc), the dumper is likely to move on to someone else. What if they were to get married 6 months after dumping you? Then your motivation of getting them back doesn't make realistic sense. Do you just give up working out then? Because you are no longer motivated? This is what I mean when I say you need to have the *right* motivation. Any motivation might be good enough to get you started. But the right motivation alone will ensure you achieve what you set out to do.

 

Apart from this, you might also be causing yourself major emotional damage if you give yourself baseless and false hope of winning your ex back. Getting an ex back has much more to do with psychological issues than it has to do with physical issues.

[WomanWriter]

Atelis,

 

Your reply seems spot on. That makes a LOT of sense. The other stuff in this thread does too, the way my ex was talking. I just am not sure where to go on from here.

 

Knowing this, what can I do to change this?

 

Also, what would the relationship need to work out? I think it's sad things ended up this way. I wanted so much to have the authentic relationship it seemed we sometimes did have...those moments of utter nakedness and tenderness when I felt our hearts were content and not in fear.

 

It is very sad to me that all this happened. I don't feel like I need him, although I did act needy at times. I do feel like I really liked a lot of things about him (besides the break up stuff and the co-dependency, of course). I sure wish there was some way.

 

I feel like he put the blame on me for not meeting his needs or wanting to be independent. I felt like even though all this stuff you say is true, there were real moments of love where I felt like I really didn't want anything from him but to love him. And I felt like there were times he loved me too, that he was proud of me for doing things on my own. I don't know, can you still love someone yet have parts of you that are co-dependent? I can't believe the WHOLE thing was a sham based on fear, but sadly I do think that ultimately, it came down to the reason for the break-up.

[WomanWriter]

Yeah, I see how deep the problem is now. I think EVERYONE needs to read this thread.

[atelis]

i'm not saying that the whole thing was a sham, far from it. But any co-dependant relationship will have it's use-by date unless the two people in it are prepared to admit their dependancy and then work together to achieve real intimacy.

 

I don't doubt that there were moments of real love throughout the relationship, but i don't think true naked intimacy can ever be achieved by two dependant people.

 

Need and love is far too often confused and most people (myself included) have probably never experienced 'real' love without the compulsive need attached to it. You see it on these forums time after time.......'he abused me but i love him so much'. How is it possible to love someone who abuses you, be it emotionally or physically? Those people are confusing need with love.

 

when someone is emotionally healthy, they will seek out other emotionally healthy people. when someone is unhealthy, they will seek emotionally unhealthy people. That's why they say that your partner is a mirror for your own unresolved fears/issues.

 

Your ex is living in denial which is typical of most co-dependants, Blame the other party to stop from looking at himself. He will simply find another co-dependant and the same pattern will repeat again.

 

I am in recovery now.........it's hard and although i have the self awareness, solutions are the hard part. But the solutions in my mind are about having boundaries and being true to oneself in a relationship. It is something i need to try in my next relationship.........i need to develop and implement boundaries. You can do this in everyday life too........be more expressive, more authentic and open yourself up more without fear of consequence. It's all about having the courage to be more fearless and not worry about what others think of us.

 

It's very hard, but we have to act with courage. we also need to be more aware of our compulsions and addictions during the partner selection phase and not be compelled to act on our addictions.