How long should i wait for contact - SOMEONE PLEASE HELP

[bowski]

Its been 8 days since my ex broke up with me and we havent had any form of contact. I thought by now that she would have called me or sent me an email or done something to get in touch with me. I would like to wait this out and hopefully get her to miss me but she is so stubborn and is the independent type. I am thinking of sending her an email today just to get some feelings off my chest . I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel and I cant see her getting in touch with me any time soon. I really think that I need to talk to her before too long, before she moves on and forgets about me and what we had. I have previously posted my story and would appreciate any feedback I can get. I am very depressed and am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work but I need some sort of direction. Below is my previous post.

 

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[WhiteIcE]

Since you two just broke up, its likely that she wants some space. But if your going to get in contact with her, now is the time. When women get off from a breakup, they usually feel insecure, and if no one is there to comfort them, they will find someone else, and it will usually be another man.

 

Just be honest with her. Tell her you want her and you to have a great future, but you both need to try. It's a two way street.

[jasminebose]

Ok Bowski,

Read your last post and i think the last thing you should do is contact her now! I thnk you should wait a while. Not talking to her will not push her away, I think it is more likely to scare her further away if you pressure her to respond to you. If you need to get your feelings out do it here or write your feelings in a letter to her (that you keep!). But it is always the case that if you appear to be happy and collected she will be more likely to see what she's missing.

JZ

[Hopingpraying]

It has not been a long enough time for you to contact her. Pressuring her right now or venting is not going to make things better for you. It is best to leave her alone.

 

I have not gone back and read your previous post, but if she broke up with you and did the I need my space thing, if all you do is not give her that space she will feel like you are trying to control her and she won't like that. It will push her further away.

 

Do things that you like to do. Go golfing, a movie, anything but try not to think about her. I do know how difficult that is to do, but in time it will get easier.

 

I also know you don't have to worry about her forgetting you. She is more than likely just as torn up about this as you are. Keep that in mind. She is probably going through the same delima you are about contacting you. Hold out, you will feel better in the end.

[Marton]

I am in a similar situation, Bowski. It was also a long distance relationship (4hours). My ex is also the outgoing, independent type. The breakup was for similar reasons: fading of the initial „spark" and me wanting more time-together than her (the latter being the cause of the former?).

 

I agree with jasminebose and h&p in that you should continue the no contact phase, probably for at least two or three weeks. In this time you should think of perspectives of a life without her, rather than thinking of how and when you should contact her. Also you should rethink if it would make sense at all to go back to the relationship with her. Go out, get busy, work on yourself. If you get depressed and start thinking of her again, WRITE IT DOWN. Letters (that you dont send) or a diary, both will work. By writing down you avoid analyzing the exact same sh!$ over and over.

 

I had no contact for four weeks, then I sent my ex a short email (just asking whether she will also attend a conference, which was in four weeks from that day). She immediately replied, but I have not heard anything else from her since then. I will see her next week - on this conference. This will be the first time since two months (!).

 

I have worked on myself quite a bit: analyzed the relationship to every detail (I think I have a much more realistic picture now), doing a lot of sports, going out with friends, etc.. Right now I feel quite „cool" about seeing her the next week. I admit I still have strong feelings for her. But I am aware that she may have already moved on (maybe she already has a new guy, how should I know?). Anyway, the only thing I want to achieve next week is that I want her to see that I am a different person now (not the needy insecure person she left). If this gets her attracted to me again, or whether it just leaves her wondering a bit (while still moving on) – both is possible. And meanwhile I think both outcomes would be fine for me.

 

As a rule of thumb I would say: Do the „No Contact" as long as it takes for yourself to get to the psychological state where you are o.k. with ANY response of her (even complete rejection).

[Stingseed]

The most important thing that you do get to the point that if she tells you to bugg off you can handle that.

[bowski]

i think im slowly getting there. its only been 8 days since this all went down but i cant see her getting all those feelings back for me. im holding out some hope that she will realize everything once she graduates from college and is out of the fantasy world that she is in now. but i just dont see someone regaining all those feelings of intimacy and such. while im holding out hope, im also beggining to prepare myself for the realization that she wont come back and be ready to accept that. But I still think its too early to lose all hope.

[Dullaware]

I hear ya, i'm going through the same thing right now. I'm worried to, but I think the best thing to do is to just try your best to just accept all the possiblilites. I'm in alot of pain right now, but I think the fact that i'm getting this all out now, and not just waiting for her to decide will be for the best. From one person going through this to another the best advice in my opinion is to just prepare for the worst. If she goes for ya than hey all the better. If not then at least you wont go through the hurt later on.

[detox5]

I dont know if ive fully read properly, but you said she needed time away from you etc, and you DID mention college. Have you thought about the possibility that college has pulled her down alot and pressuring her that she hasnt even thought about what shes done yet. Im told this time of year college or uni can be REALLY presureable to people. Things is my ex left me said she needed time, and all the usualy story, but lately ive come to think that it is college that is bringing her down and needs to deal with that before she deals with us. Time give it time, if college is the case watch when its summer and shes done all her studies, if you know you mean alot to each other then she WILL be back in my eyes, have hope, so improve yourself while u still have a chance, you both need time to yourselfs at this point, hope i helped.

[Dullaware]

I think that stress is playing a large role in this. I also think that she dosen't know how to deal with alot of these feelings. Though I just want to talk to her, and let her know i'm here for her. Friend or other =/

[bowski]

i hear u, i have had a hard time since like october getting used to my girlfriend still being in college 3 hours awawy from me and me being in the real world now (since i graduated in may a year ahead of her) i have been so needy for months now and it has pushed her away to the point where im not even attractive to her. she is going out and doesnt want to deal with a needy boyfriend who is jealous and always asking her a million questions. the only thing i can hope is that when we finally talk she will see that im different now and that im not so dependent on her. but i think this will only happen once school is over because she is having a good time partying and going out one last time in school.

[detox5]

Well I dont believe she is going out and having fun partying all the time, would you after a break up, maybe to keep a smiley face. Why dotn you tell yourself that you are in control of the situation, you are strong you have changed, tell yourself well if she contacts me etc then i am in control i am the dominate one. Studying is stressful, give it time, i bloody hate time, takes too long, I want 2 months to pass so that I will allow myself to contact my ex or in fact her contacting me.

[Dullaware]

I think every hurt boyfriend on the NC thing hates time. Because its like getting rid of an addiction, you want it so bad. I just think that keeping your mind on other things is always a good way to go. As for your girl bowski, she seems to not want a commitment now, I say just play it cool while she's in school, just give her the time she needs, when she gets out in the real world she'll see that she needs someone permanent to be with her ( At least I hope so ) and maybe you can finally get her back

[bowski]

I hope so....i realize i did alot of the pushing away with my actions...but im going to give her some time while shes at school and not contact her at all while she is there. Im going up there one last time to see some friends one weekend and i know i will see her since she is good friends with them too. i just hope that i dont make a drunken fool of myself and make things worse. if i can act cool around her and show her that ive changed its for the better. if she gets out of school and still doesnt want the new me (well the old me who was confident and sure of himself ) then its her loss. i can already feel myself becoming more confident after all this talking today, so if and when she does contact me i will seem like a different person

[Dullaware]

Just be yourself, if she dosen't accept it then move on. I'm going to have to go through this sometime this week, and i'll be on AIM if you want to talk and get this stuff off your chest. I've found talking about things is always the best way to deal with em. Just one thing, if your trying to make a good impression and want her, try not to get drunk. Just throwing that out there. Blackazilla is my AIM name by the way. Gimme a shout

[bowski]

I realize she is going through this college thing and she thinks she is invincible and i know when i go up there and see her she wont want anythnig to do with me because she will feel like im cramping her style. I really dont think anything good is going to happen while she is at school, i dont see us getting back together at all to be honest because i cant see her getting all those feelings back for me after being like a stone and going through the motions for months now. id like her to but i dont think it will happen. she is so stubborn i dont even know when she is going to contact me again if at all.

[Dullaware]

Well do you still want her after knowing this? I'm not preaching, just want to know how you feel about this girl if you know nothing's gonna come out of it

[bowski]

well, i still love her and have been hoping for some time now that things would change even before we broke up. i mean things have been bad for a long time with us but alot of it had to with me and my jealousy and insecurity, it was pushing her away so much. the last few months were like going out with a stone....the only way i want to get back with her is if she gets those feelinsg back for me.....thats the only way she will come back to me anyway,,,,,only time away and missing me and me proving that i have changed my behavior could possibly change her feelings for me. do you think its possible she could get those feelings back or do you think once they are gone they are gone for good.

[Dullaware]

I think she can get the feelings back. The fact that she hasn't turned you off completely is a good sign, better than nothing =/. Anyways, I think that if you show her that you haven't changed, just improved that it would be for the best. If at all possible try to go on a date ( Or just a friendly meeting as friends ) hopefully she'll agree, and if you feel jealousy coming back it'd be a great chance to show her how you've changed by not acting on it. Show her that you don't really care ( even if ya do ) with any luck she'll see that you've gotten over it and it'll lead to good things

[Dullaware]

I think she can get the feelings back. The fact that she hasn't turned you off completely is a good sign, better than nothing =/. Anyways, I think that if you show her that you haven't changed, just improved that it would be for the best. If at all possible try to go on a date ( Or just a friendly meeting as friends ) hopefully she'll agree, and if you feel jealousy coming back it'd be a great chance to show her how you've changed by not acting on it. Show her that you don't really care ( even if ya do ) with any luck she'll see that you've gotten over it and it'll lead to good things

[coldcompress]

Don't give up hope, bowski.

Just from what you have described you and your ex-gf sound exactly like me and my ex-gf. She is extremely stubborn, probably the most stubborn girl I have ever met. And I am very stubborn as well, but at the same time we went through all those problems I think due to my own insecurity and jealousy and the desire to spend more time with her, just like you have described.

 

In some sense, it is the love that drove our girlfriends away. But I just want to tell you that, there is little doubt(I don't want to say no doubt because I don't know your girlfriend afterall) in my mind that her feelings for you are still there, unlike you have imagined. I don't know about your ex, but I do know that one common character of a stubborn girl is that they are also extremely good at protecting themselves. They will do everything to appear cold, harsh, feelingless in order to protect themselves. I didn't know this before, but after speaking to a lot of girls I have finally learned it.

 

I just want you to know that you said 8 days? 8 days is nothing if you think about it! She is thinking about you, maybe not all the time because no doubt she will try her best to not think about it, to avoid the sense of guilt and the possibility of missing you. But she can't help it, because that's what relationship does to people. Don't lose your faith in all those good moments you had with her! They will not be gone from her mind.

 

Also just as something to keep you going, I want to tell you that after close to two months of no contact, my most stubborn ex-gf started calling me again. Of course I can't use this as a promise that your gf will call for sure, but think about it, wouldn't you rather that when at the end you two are contacting again, something actually came out of it and you are finally in a different position then before? Otherwise all this pain and hurt you are going through will all go to waste.

 

Good luck to you.

[bowski]

i would love for those feelings to come back dont get me wrong. i really cant see her or anything right now because she doesnt want me to and it would take her inviting me to see her. she goes to school 3 hours away from me and when she is at home it is still 2 hours from my house. those feelings of intimacy and closeness havent been there for months now but i know it is from my own insecurity and me being so demanding and pushy and clingy. it got to the point where the last few months my girlfriend never even wanted to have sex with me and she said she was never horny. this put a ton of strain on the relationship too, but again i can contribute this to me being way to overbearing and jealous. i know none of this will change for the good in the next few weeks because she is at school until may 9th. my only hope is that once she comes home and is away from all the distractions of college life she will realize that misses me and us. right now im almost positive she is against getting back together because she just remembers the last few months and how bad they were. i cant imagine her missing me yet either because before the last few months when were together she told me she wouldnt even get excited to see me when i went to visit her every 2 or 3 weeks. again, i waspushing her away big time with my actions, i just hope that i havent done too much damage that its irrepairable.

[Clark]

I know what you're going through. My situation has a twist.

 

My ex said, before we went out, she wanted to stay good friends, and didn't want anything to happen if things didn't work out. She made me promise, and I did. So now I am trying to honour that...

 

I can just say, give it a few weeks. Then ask to see her again, over coffee (something neurtral)

[The Capitan]

Very scary..my situation is very, very similar...going out for just over 2 years, things were going very well when suddenly she realized it was the end of college, got scared (or so it seems) and needed to "be sure" and pretty much asked for space. Wow. I can only say that my hope is exactly the same as yours...after college, after she leaves the party and moves back home, hopfully things will be realized a little differently, but until then I just am trying to plan for the worst. But hope is there -- she has called and emailed a few times, and we are in sporadic contact like that, so it definitely can happen...I would still say to try to plan for the worst, though, because if nothing else you will either be prepared or pleasently surprised. Of course, saying this is one thing, doing it is quite another feat entirely...I am definitely there with you man..this sucks..