freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Out of the blue this week my boyfriend (of 7 years) announced to me that he was unsure about us and not sure if he could take the next step. I was broad sided. I had no clue that anything was up in our relationship. (there is no other girl) He said that he needed space to figure out what he wanted out of life. Everyone in our lives has been absolutely dumbfounded by this. They thought because we had been through so much that we were a strong couple (miscarriage, long distance, living abroad together). I truly believed that we could survive anything. I then find out that he has wondered off and on for 7 years if I was the one for him. I have been living a lie for 7 years. He told me quite regularly that he loved me and we discussed marriage. He now doesn't think we are a good match. How does that happen? My world is shattered. I truly believed that he was the one. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that it is done. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 So very sorry your in pain, but you will survive and perhaps he may still come around and decide to come back. In the meantime give yourself time to feel your pain and then move forward in your life. My friend time does not stand still so it's best to do things in life you want and let him have time for what he wants. If there was no cheating or any abuse then your relationship still has a good chance. Just take care of yourself and keep busy....your life is valuable and you were born for a reason. Smiles! Link to comment
fr0z3n Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Well the fact is it is done... You just have to face and accept it... Theres nothing you can do about it but theres still alot you can do about yourself... Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 How do I make him see that he made a mistake? how do I make him see that he still loves me? (which he tells me he still does) He still wants me to call him if I need to talk. Is that a good idea? Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 How do I make him see that he made a mistake? how do I make him see that he still loves me? He still wants me to call him if I need to talk. Is that a good idea? Give yourself some time to let things process and settle down a bit. After you healed a bit and feel stronger then perhaps, but right now go NC. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 4years for me. Came back from a 2week cruise and 1 week later...'need a break' Out of nowhere. It's so hard, impossible, to get your mind around it. I'm barely coping at times, but trying hard. If you are still together, communicate. If it is over, it's time to start the healing process. Slowly but surely. Try and be up beat, it's hard but don't give up on yourself. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I've been there...very similar situation except we were both going through a depressing period that I thought probably contributed to his decision. We were also together 7+ years and engaged to be married soon, when he decided he wasn't ready, wanted to find himself, and thought we were holding each other back. I bet what hurts the most is the fact that you feel mislead. I know I do. All those years, he seemed sprung. His behavior showed nothing but love and I trusted him deeply. Then for him to turn around and act like this whole "finding himself" was so important to do WITHOUT me made me think he really must not have thought I was the one. He said he still loved me and he cried, but if he really loved me, I don't think he could just leave after 7 years, just like that. Maybe some people are just really good actors? No one believed my ex either!!! My whole family thought he was so in love with me! He used to come over to see my family all the time and even though they didn't like his race at first (black), they came around to love him and embrace him. Was your ex a people pleaser? Mine was. That might have been why it seemed like he was so "nice," and then he suddenly turned on you. My ex has a "super-hero" syndrome...he likes to go around saving everyone. But when it comes to himself, he gets angry when he is sick, depressed, can't control the situation. I almost think he fell for his co-worker because she was mentally unstable and "needed" him. I have no proof of this because he swore there was no one else, but I do know he took an interest in her mental health and seemed to like being there for her. Funny how he seemed to get mean towards me when HE was the depressed one...like he didn't want me to see him imperfect. Was your ex a perfectionist, mama's boy, or "peter pan?" I'm just curious. Anyway, take it one day at a time and keep posting here for relief. Please take a look at the other posts and you will see a lot of people in the same boat---they never thought it would happen to them, but it did. Take good care of YOU...eat healthy, relax, find things that will help you feel good short term and long-term. If you need someone to talk to, you can Private Message (PM) me. Hang in there! Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 I am sorry I am new to this... what does NC mean? Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 How do I make him see that he made a mistake? how do I make him see that he still loves me? (which he tells me he still does) He still wants me to call him if I need to talk. Is that a good idea? This is what my ex said, exactly. Honestly, I tried really hard to do what you want to do, made mistake, etc. It only backfired. I felt better in a way, pouring my heart out, but the rejection was devastating. But each relationship is different and if he says that, who knows. Look after yourself for now. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I am sorry I am new to this... what does NC mean? No contact Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 He believes he has made some very bad decisions in his life. When we were teaching abroad we came home early to find jobs here( besides the fact that we were home sick). He then proceeded to quit his teaching job (in Dec) to pursue fire fighting, which he didn't get into right away. We were trying to get closer to home, so when his fire job told him that to go to his interview with our home city he would have to quit, he quit. and then he didn't get the job. I stood by him through each of these situations. Many of his friends have been divorced so that doesn't help I am sure. When we were talking about this and I mentioned that in a marriage, the people fall in and out of love and that the key to a good marriage is to not fall out of love at the same time. He told me that he didn't believe that, that it had to be the fairy tale. Nothing in life is a fairy tale, relationships take work. Link to comment
fr0z3n Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Doing nothing about him or about the relationship means nothing will backfire so theres nothing nothing that you'll regret... If you focus only on yourself, nothing will backfire at you... If he still loves you then so be it, it's up to him now... Why not think about of doing thing that you can do for yourself that you enjoy instead of thinking about your failed relationship?... Link to comment
fr0z3n Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Just let him deal with his own problem afterall his on his own now, he's not with you anymore meaning you're not with him anymore... You have your own problems aside from your relationship to solve and put all your energy on that... Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 After 7 years together fr0z3n, it is not that easy to just forget. I know that is what I have to do and I will do it. But right now I just need somewhere to vent. Link to comment
savannahohsavannah Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I have to agree with the person who said to do nothing. Actually, I applaud what they said! You can only do something about you: take care of you, work through the hurt, and maybe seek grief counseling if you think you need it. One thing I want to say and I don't want to sound harsh: What did you think about the fact that it took seven years for you to get to the point that you were going to marry? It's been my experience with relationships that when people wait so long one or both of them have some issues with either marriage or their partner. I would think long and hard before I went back to this guy, even if he asked! Savannah Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 I am not sure I am strong enough to just let him go. Link to comment
InBruges Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I am not sure I am strong enough to just let him go. I don't want to be cold to your situation - I know it must be incredibly tough. But really you've only got two choices... cling to him and keep trying to talk to him which will do nothing but push him further away, or just cut off all contact. The latter is the only option with any hope. Link to comment
savannahohsavannah Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 He really didn't leave you any choices in the matter. I really know how much you are hurting, I can feel it! And like everyone else, we've all had some hard blows to the heart when it comes to love. But look at it this way, suppose the tables were turned and it were you who did not want to continue? Who wanted to be free to be with someone else, either now or later? I think you'd be upset if he did not just let go, and would wonder what kind of human being he really was to be unable to see your side of things. "if you love something set it free" Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 A large prt of me knows that you are right. The other part doesn't want to give up with out a fight. I am at war with myself. Link to comment
fr0z3n Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thank you very much savannah... After 7 years together fr0z3n, it is not that easy to just forget. I know that is what I have to do and I will do it. But right now I just need somewhere to vent. 7 years and 9 months is just the same for me, only the time is different... The same because we put our efforts in the relationship to work but out of the blue it failed... 7 yrs or 9 months, it's just the same pain in the ass if how much you love the person is the same... A break up is a break up, wether they call it just a break or a cool off, it's just the same because they're not with you anymore... Alot of here suffer this same kind of pain but if you'll look how long they relationship last, the time are different from just a week or so many years, the real thing is we lost the one that we love... If you need to vent, then vent first... Remove all the heavy things inside you... One more thing is whatever the hell you do, you wont forget that pain... All you need to do is accept it... Let's put it this way, if you forgot it, what will happen if the pain came back? you'll have to deal with that again but if you accepted it then even if the pain came back, you've already dealt with it and you know how to handle that pain again... Good luck... Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 A large prt of me knows that you are right. The other part doesn't want to give up with out a fight. I am at war with myself. You also have to give yourself a break. You can't carry the world on your shoulders, in this case the relationship. If he's moved on, he'll not hear the 'fight for it/us' plea as 'fight for it/us' but more as 'can't let go' and needy. It's an awful place to be. Scared to try scared not to try. You have take care of you and your needs, then worry about what's next. Link to comment
freaked Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 He is actually going to see a counsellor to get some stuff sorted out. This surprised me because he truly believes that you just have to tell yourself you are not sick and you won't be. He is having a few issues. Feeling worthless, unhappy all the time, etc. I truly believe that we can choose to be happy. Somedays you wake up in the morning and you have to make the choice to be happy. When I mentioned this to him. He told me he couldn't choose. I am worried that he is suffering from some sort of depression. I guess I just gave myself some advice though. I can make the choice to be happy. Can I do that through all of this hurt is the real question. Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 He is actually going to see a counsellor to get some stuff sorted out. This surprised me because he truly believes that you just have to tell yourself you are not sick and you won't be. He is having a few issues. Feeling worthless, unhappy all the time, etc. I truly believe that we can choose to be happy. Somedays you wake up in the morning and you have to make the choice to be happy. When I mentioned this to him. He told me he couldn't choose. I am worried that he is suffering from some sort of depression. I guess I just gave myself some advice though. I can make the choice to be happy. Can I do that through all of this hurt is the real question. Yes sounds like he doesn't really know what he thinks. And maybe depression is part of it, which can really toss a monkey wrench into things. That can certainly lead to all sorts of issues in a relationship. Sounds like he's getting help for him. You should help yourself now too. Be happy! I think you can choose, I'm struggling with that now. And so far...well, I'm trying! Keep the faith! Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 After 7 years together fr0z3n, it is not that easy to just forget. I know that is what I have to do and I will do it. But right now I just need somewhere to vent. Today was my 5 year anniversary, and my wedding day... I was supposed to be married at Disneyland in Cinderellas Castle. My ex did sneak in my place and made me dinner. We still are friends, but I cannot see myself ever getting back with him...I do know the hurt you feel. Link to comment
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