Advice please

[ElephantRider]

Well I was dating this girl for 7 months. Everything was really good until after valentines. We got into an argument and I broke up with her, and immediatley begged her back. I really thought things were ok. We were back together for two weeks when she broke it off again. The week before whe would call me every day and sometimes twice. We spent a 4 day weekend together and everything was great until Sunday. We weren't exactly fighting but it felt weird and she broke it off. She started to date someone w/in a week that was a good friend of hers. I did the usual pleading for about 2 weeks and she said that she loved me a as a friend. I then started the no contact. I would text her every now and then and she would call and we would talk for a few and I always ended the conversation. Last night she called. She seemed nervous like she had something to say. The she asked for me to bring her stuff to her. I said that I wouldn't be able to until after easter and she knew this because I had told her in an email. Well I didn't say much on the phone and told her that I neede to go. To many awkward silences. The thing is that I don't think this new guy is gonna get to far with her. I just don't know what she could be thinking. Someone mentioned that maybe she called last night to talk about something else but may have not known how to bring it up. Anyway she said to call her when I can exchange stuff. I don't think that I'll call and let her get tired of waiting and call me. Can someone please give me some feedback.

[ElephantRider]

also her birthday is in a couple of weeks, I was gonna send her a card. should I????

[sweetharmony]

her calling you for her stuff back b/c she probably wanted to talk to you (of course, she also wants her stuff, but she could have e-mailed you). When i called my most recent ex sunday after we broke up- my reason for calling, too was that i left something there- yes i wanted it back, but i also wanted to hear his voice and show him that i still cared by calling- instead of just e-mailing. i wanted him to say something to make me feel better, but to no avail.

 

and about the new guy she's dating. don't worry too much about him- could be rebound. i broke up with my boyfriend (previous ex, not most recent) of four years over a year ago and jumped right into another relationship - which i later regretted. it was rebound and this guy helped ease the pain of my breakup. i didn't realize it then, b/c i thought i liked him, but it wasn't real. he comforted me, while i was really supposed to heal on my own, alone. the fact that she really didn't have much to say on the phone and there were awkward silences, shows that she didn't want to get off the phone. it's good that you ended it. she was probably a little awkward as to what to say, but the fact that she didn't end the conversation after she asked for her stuff back shows that she was hoping you would continue a conversation.

 

sending a birthday card is still a nice gesture. it shows you still care. and it will drive her crazy wondering what your intentions were. esp. if there is no phone call to accompany the card. she'll probably call you. but, no contact otherwise.

[ElephantRider]

Thanks that helps some. In the beginning of the break she said she was really confused, didn't know that this was the right thing to do, said she wasn't sure if she'd come back, but that she couldn't do it just now.

[kathyk]

what were the fights about???

[ElephantRider]

sex, not opening up to her, and a bunch of small irritating things

[ElephantRider]

I think that ultimately I was starting to resent her. I spent all of my time with her and if I didn't she complained. I tried to give her what she wanted, or what I thought that she wanted. I think that I needed some space, just time away from her. I didn't really like the obligation that I felt to spend every minute with her. and when she sometimes would not meet me half way, I would get pissed and we'd argue

 

Right before valentines we were looking at rings and talking about moving in together.

[kathyk]

this sounds very familiar to my situation. she is trying to be your friend and lover all at the same time. she gets her feelings hurt when she is rejected by you. maybe talking with each other would have been the best solution. she doesn't understand why you need time away from her. nor did i. communication was a problem and i lost myself in the relationship trying to please him and wanting his attention. afraid of loosing him if i wasn't there by him 24-7. until he did as you have done. except i blew up during one of our arguments and told him i didn't want him around. well i knew i did but i felt he didn't want me cause he was trying to get away from me. so i didn't contact him and started to learn more about myself then 9 weeks later he called and wanted to talk. thank God.

 

you see i was afraid to call him in fear of rejection. i tried to send a letter and then went and got it back before he could get it. he was angry and didn't want it anyway. then i sent him a card just saying i was a jerk. still no response. so i waited until his bd and called and left a voicemail saying was thinking of you on your bd. wondered how work was going. i sure it is going fine. hope you get to celebrate it. i will be celebrating also. happy bd. bye.

 

then it took 8 days and after i saw him on the road for him to call me. he said he would have done so earlier but didn't know what to say.

 

the arguing was basically because i gave my whole self to the relationship and he only gave what he wanted when he wanted. i needed more. or at least i thought i did.

 

does your gf work? do you take her places? do you spend quality time with her? make her feel secure then let her know you have to have guys time. nothing against her but she needs to make friends and have girls time also. she needs to get used to this. believe me unless you have been alone and know how to do this it can be very difficult for her. just like myself. never had to take care of just me. not to have to worry about him not being there when i came home or to take off and be gone for days etc. she is insecure. just like myself. do not contact her. let her see you in a different light. try going out and being with those friends you wanted to be with when you weren't with her. try dating and that might trigger her. don't worry about the new guy. sounds like a rebound they usually don't last. the new will wear off.

[ElephantRider]

anyone with any thoughts please respond, I need advice

[kathyk]

those small irritating things can make a mountain. same complaints i had. you have time for everyone but me. does this sound familiar?

 

sometimes you would be to tired to deal with her. but not others. all your good hours were spent doing for others and then you didn't take a rest to take time with her. you still have to spent time with her. not when its convenient for you. she isn't a toy on the shelf. and you can't make her happy. she has to make herself happy. take your time. show her you can go on without her. but make sure you look good when she does see you. do not beg her. do not bug her. if she calls be in a hurry to go. give her something to think about.

[ElephantRider]

I know everyone here has experience with this, can anyone else give me advice. I don't want to make any mistakes and push her further

[ElephantRider]

help

[ElephantRider]

I was wondering if I should contact my ex. I was talking to a good female friend of mine (someone my ex is very jealous of) She says that my ex is probably starting to realize that she may have not made a good decision. She also said that I should send her things to her in the mail or have someone else drop them off. This is to send a message that I don't want to see her or hear from her. Also I have started to date. Should I show up at the bar where I think she will be this weekend with a new girl. She gets very jealous. I don't know what to do.

[ElephantRider]

Well I just realized its mine and my ex's one month break up anniversary. Should I send flowers? LOL

[The Morrigan]

Don't send flowers for the breakup anniversary lol!!! She'll probably think you're celebrating it! And even if not, it shows very clearly you're counting the DAYS since she broke things off.

 

Making someone jealous can work - or it can backfire. Plus you want to be really sure that you're primarily spending time with someone cause you enjoy their company - you wouldn't want to be just a tool to make THEIR ex jealous, so be careful, better getting a few people together to hang out with and look like you're having a good time. I don't know if you guys ever went out in a group or had a problem with being a bit TOO exclusive, but if you're up to it and really want her off balance, and seeing either what it could be like, or remembering having fun in a group - ask them to join your group if you see them out. I say if you're up to it because you'd have to be able to be fun, and NOT let Mr New Guy of the Moment get to you. For her to reconsider she has to get the overall impression of "fun," not being in the middle of two pit-bulls.

 

Word to the wise - Mr New Guy will know, no matter how casual and fun you are, that you want her back still. DO NOT DO ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING, to reinforce that. Odds are she will be mercifully oblivious as long as you don't give her any longing looks or stare, or say anything that's a giveaway. Let him act like he's being unreasonable in her eyes, don't do anything to reinforce he's right.

 

You've got a bit finer line here since you dumped her, begged her back, then she decided to bail after that.

 

Her stuff - if you send it back to her, include a nice, not lovey, but nice note saying something to the effect that you figured she might feel awkward having to meet to get it, and didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable position. Add in some light newsy stuff that might pique her interest or curiosity (not too much, no "see how great I'm doing???" statements, you're not selling a car!) and close it with something like "hope things are going well for you there, take care of yourself!" and leave it at that.

 

Why? 1) you're showing respect for her decision, and that she is seeing someone, not pushing her into a spot or making any conflict. 2) giving her tidbits about things (humor is good here) without tooting your own horn or stating "I'm doing GREAT!" 3) leaves the door open for her to answer, or ask for more, but there's no expectation of it, and closes with "care and consideration" and NO statement of exactly where you stand, once again, no pressure, but can leave plenty of room for curiosity.

 

Stay busy, focus on things you enjoy of give you a bit of stress relief, and give both her and yourself time to recover here. If you don't take care of yourself first, you're in no position to care for anyone else!

[CanadianGirl]

This is a tough one because it really seems like a mind-game.

 

You dumped her first. That was the first strike. Once you did that, she was hurt and insecure. Nobody wants to get dumped, it hurts your feelings and pride. Once she had you back, she stepped up to bat - and dumped you. Now, she's probably still feeling for you, but is afraid that if she goes back to you, you will just dump her again. (That's what I see here).

 

With her calling you, she probably was hoping you'd say something to get her back...otherwise why call? I don't call my ex's when I know things are 100% finished.

 

Even worse now is that she started dating right away. Most likely to help her deal with the pain. But it adds to the confusion with you. She knows that if you get back together things are going to be very complicated because of it...so more fear of rejection and arguments. The hole just seems to get deeper with every move she makes...and she probably knows that.

 

I would suggest not making her jealous...because believe me, if you get back together -- your plan of making her jealous will spill over into the newly-rekinled relationship. There will be big fights about it. It's not a good idea at all.

 

If I were you, I would stop wasting time - because the more time you spend away from her, the quicker she is going to get over you and by the time you make your move it could be too late.

 

I would be straight out - communication is very important in relationships...and is a big reason for their downfall. Don't you think that if you just explained to her right off the bat that people need to maintain their individuality and freedoms in a relationship BEFORE you blew up and dumped her...things could be different? When things bother you - say something instead of letting them get to the boiling point when you say things that you don't mean/regret?

 

I suggest letting her know how you feel. Let her know why you dumped her in the first place. Let her know that you truly love her, and that you only want to make her happy. Spill your guts. What's the worst that can happen? she says no? then at least you have piece of mind to be able to move on in life and find yourself. It can't really hurt at this point. At least you may be able to maintain a friendship. And there will be some understanding.

 

Remember -- holding things in only hurts you and her. It sounds like she cares, but is too wrapped up in her game to get out of it. You should be the bigger person and show her that you don't want to play any games, that you only want to love her....work things out. Tell her that seeing her with someone else hurts you and that it made you realize what you had...and that you want her back.

 

Keeping your distance isn't going to help -- regardless of what people say. I think she knows that you care, but is waiting for you to make the next move - because of her fear of rejection.

 

Remember -- she had a problem with you not opening up. I think if you opened up to her and showed you care about her enough to be vaunerable - she could see you differently. She probably sees you as a distant person who doesn't feel secure with her.

 

I hope this helps. good luck!

[ElephantRider]

This whole thing is very confusing. I have tried reasoning with her, showing that I care, fighting, and any other tactic that doesn't work.. Then I tried being understanding to her feelings and she seems to have stopped pulling back. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I can't just walk away. Something inside me tells me that what she says isn't what she feels. I have been dumped before, but never took it this hard. My gut tells me to fight, but my head says just give up and forget her.

[ElephantRider]

God will it ever end, I keep finding myself falling back and the trying to catch up

[ElephantRider]

I think that I am just gonna give up. It hurts to much and putting myself in this limbo isn't helping me to get over it. I think that I am gonna send her an email just telling her that I'll have my sister bring her stuff to her because I don't think that I can take seeing her. Also going to say that I would appreciate it if she didn't call me anymore because I just want to move on. That I have made myself suffer enough and I am through with it.

 

Can anyone give me some advice befor I do this though.

[Dragonlady]

Hi

 

Don't send that email!!!! If you think it will be to hard to see her when delivering her stuff then let your sister do it (I know it's hard I got mine back last week and it was moody!) Send an email to say you are getting your sister to do it because you are busy (i.e you have a life) I think you need space to sort what you are feeling out because when its recent like you (and me) and then your emotions are very up and down. You need to think what this girl means to you, not whether you need her or dwell on the good times but if you 2 got back together what would your future be like - history repeating itself or could you both work honestly together to resolve whatever issues you both have. It is very painful and you do wonder how to move forward but you will. Start doing things that you want to for you (its a good way of taking your mind of things) If you don't get back together then you are already starting the healing process. You could try the No contact rule for a bit but word it to her that you both need space to evaluate where you are but thats its not final.

 

Let me know how you get on - i know its painful but before you do anything take time out to think is this what I want.

 

dragonlady

[SincerlyHurt]

Alrighty. I speak from my own experiences here and just as a caution, my tactics have not worked. My ex is happy with her rebound, well you know the story if you read my thread.

 

First and foremost: is she receptive enough to listen contently to what you have to say? You said the other night it sounded like she had more to say. If that happens again ask her what she is thinking, tell her to cast her stone. See if you can open her up. Don't make her stand at the starting line alone. OK, so if she is still receptive to your spoken word then I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel. Get it all out there and then if things go sour anyway you know you left nothing on the table. You tried, what more can you do.

 

But before you say anything I think it is both of you guys time to figure out just who you are without an attachment to anyone. When something like this rains down you will inevitably grow emotionally, physically, and even your personality will change. Not only that, when you can stand back and gaze in at life by yourself it is then that you can identify the shortcomings you both had in the relationship. It takes time to begin thinking rationally after an episode such as yours.

 

As far as returning her stuff to her, I don't know. Are you not strong enough to do it yourself. My ex would come over multiple days through the week and move her stuff little by little. The day after I found out about her new fling I took the initiative and moved her stuff to her sisters house while she was at work. Shocked her I think. That move came out of left field. Just make sure if you do it you are strong enough to do it with a smile, no emotional spills. Fake it til you make it. Remember that.

 

And unless you are really interested in another girl you are with I think the jealousy thing is manipulative. Don't use someone for that reason. Be true. If you are not in it to win it with someone then just go out with friends and have a blast, smile eerily at her and just have a go at singlehood.

 

I'll stroll through here from time to time to view your progress. Good luck.

[ElephantRider]

I have laid it all out on the table before. We had a fight since then, but she knows how I feel. I have kept no secrets. I have told her that this is something that is easier to work on than throw away. The day before we broke up we made plans for easter and the 4th of July. We picked a song together, our song. We heard that song on the radio "Don't want you Back" and I made the comment that there was someone that I would dedicate it to. She got real worried and said "I hope that you don't mean me." I reassured her that I loved her and it was not her. The day before we went bowling with my brother and his wife and kids. There were pictures taken of us and my sister in law said we looked happy together. She then asked me if I wanted them. I said I never wanted to see them and that she could mail them to her. (The week before we broke up she updated our picture album) This last phone call from her would have been about 2 days after she should have received the pictures. I just don't know what to do. I do know that I won't be able to get back with her unless she makes a considerable effort to get to me. I just don't feel that I can trust her completely with my heart.

I hope someone can give me more advice and if they need any feel free to PM me.

[lelucats]

Hi ElephantRider,

 

There have been alot of good posts here in answer to your situation. It seems tho that you're stuck. We can give you all the advice in the world but ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you want and then how you will go about getting it.

 

You mentioned that when you "became more sensitive to her" she then stopped pulling back. If that was what worked, I'd say that's the approach to take.

 

Like others have mentioned, don't do the jealousy thing, especially with the ex-ex. The goal here is to keep things simple. Think about what will happen in the future when considering an action today.

 

The "simple" core issues here are:

1. You both care about each other

2. Neither of you know how to go about regaining and maintaining a relationship without feeling that a part of yourselves has to be given up in the process

 

In the knowledge that you care about each other, the real issue to be worked on is #2. You both have the unique opportunity during this time apart to gain personal strength and knowledge. A healthy relationship is where each person respects the other's boundaries; where what is best for the other is ultimately what is best for the relationship. Two halves can't make a whole when it comes to relationships.

 

Take some time to figure out what makes you happy...and what doesn't. Writing things out will help you gain a more "logical" perspective. You'll discover what really matters to you and recognize easier the things that don't.

 

This back and forth between you is causing more harm than good. Either you both need to break it off and work on yourselves or totally commit to the relationship. If you each take the time to write out your priorities, you can talk about the lists. This will offer a sense of structure for the future. Right now you're both wandering aimlessly. A plan for the future will offer hope and a greater sense of security in the meantime. You can both take your time, knowing that you're working on something together. A plan will alleviate the need to rush and make everything perfect, right now!

 

Also, there's no "back to the way we were". The way you were didn't work. The way things are isn't working. What are you going to do to ensure that your future gets better?

 

Lelu

[ElephantRider]

I have decided that I wouldn't do the jealousy thing. I am suspicious a little that that is what she is doing.

[ElephantRider]

New events over the weekend.

 

Well I have been trying the no contact for a while. Saturday night I sent her a text saying "I hope you have a good Easter". She replies "I hope you do to. What are you up to? I don't reply to this message, but all day on easter I can't stop thinking about her. I then send her a text saying "I miss you".

 

Well About an hour passes and the phone rings and its her. I don't answer. 5 minutes later it rings again, and i don't answer. I send her a text saying that "I don't know why I sent that message, but I don't think we should talk. She proceeds to call me about 5 more times then leaves a message saying that she just wants to talk.

 

Then the texts are as follows:

Me- Sorry, please just let it go. I'll send you your stuff.

Her- Why can't you talk to me?

Me- I have nothing to say. I just want to get u your stuff. I have to move on.

Her- I need to talk to you, please call me.

Me- Sorry, Can't. You've moved on and so have I. I just miss u sometimes. I don't need to take any steps backwards.

 

During all of this she keeps trying to call me. Leaves another voice mail. Says I know that we are moving on. I just want to talk to you about exchanging our stuff. There is to much there to just send it. We'll work out a time when I can come and get it. I thought that we were going to be friends and I just need to talk to you. Please call me.

 

I called her and we never did work out a time for her to come get her stuff. I told her to come when I was not there. She said she wanted me to be there. I said that I don't think its for the best.

 

Well after that we talked about us. She said there are times that she really misses me also, but we just couldn't get along for the last three months. I said that is not exactly true, and while they were tougher, that we still had some good times. Then we talked about work for a while and I finally asked her about her boyfriend. She said that he is not her boyfriend. They barely see eachother, and they are not sleeping together. She said that she likes not seeing him very often. I thought this was strange because one of our problems was that I was not around enough for her. We would see eachother 3 and 4 times a week on average and talk every night on the phone. Then she asked how my love life was. I said that I had some prospects, but nothing has really happened yet. This whole conversation was light and I was able to make her laugh sometimes.

 

I then asked her if she thought that chemistry could be forced or renewed. She said that she didn't know but wanted to know where I was headed with the convo. I said that I think you still have a lot of feelings for me and your not as into this other guy as you think. Then I asked her if she could see us together. She said she didn't want to answer, she is not sure.

 

Please, I know that this is a long post but I need advice