I really need some advice on this now....

[Delusional Kisses]

I went to visit the best friend this weekend and we spent five days together. On my second night there, we went out drinking. After quite a few drinkings and some kissing in the bar, we staggered back to the hotel room. When things started to go furthur, we started talking. We never really discuss our feelings and I decided awhile back to just keep my locked inside, but alcohol tends to get the best of me sometime Anyway, I told him how much I love him, etc and he started talking. He normally refuses to say anything about his feelings at all, but this time he didn't. He said that he loves me and then went on to say that we were in love and people in love don't work and it would just end badly. He wasn't willing to risk that. He said that he didn't have anything to offer me. He didn't have a home or money and we lived too far away. He said "what if you got pregnant? What kind of father would I be?" he went on and on in a drunken stupor and I tried to reassure him that if he wanted to we could work through all of those things and we should give it a shot and then I started crying and he left the room. He didn't come back for several hours and we never mentioned a word about it again for the rest of my trip. I left last night. I just don't know what to think now. My head is jumbled with thoughts. I thought about bringing it up again and I just couldn't. I knew it would bring tears again and he would only get flustered and clam up. What do I do?

[Nixee]

Ok... so... some questions... He is your best friend... but obviously he is more? Have you kissed/been romantic before this? You seem to know you had feelings before this... but this is the first time you have talked about it?

 

How far away does he live? How long have you two been friends?

 

It sounds like he is both worried about losing your friendship, and about the distance issue between the two of you (which is natural), and he obviously has a hard time expressing his feelings openly. However the fact that he admitted he does love you is a good sign. The fears he expressed to you weren't about not loving you but more about his own inadequacies.

 

As difficult as it may be for you to talk to him, and for him to talk openly, I think you two probably do need to talk about what happened. Things like this don't just go away, and it seems obvious that you definitely want more, and maybe he does too even though he is scared and maybe unwilling. If he answers no, that is the risk you are taking.

[Delusional Kisses]

We have been friends for three years. We met on a dating site, so we technically started off in a romantic way but things suddenly turned for him with no reasoning. We have been romantic before..probably 6 or so times over the three years as well. He did live near me, but moved 600 miles away (back home) last year right after I had a pregnancy scare. He did it suddenly and with little warning at all. One day he was fine and the next he told me he was moving back home, but might come back in 3 to six months. That was about a year and a half ago. I've seen him about every three months since then. I personally don't see why the distance thing would be an issue as he lived in my state before and he knows that if he asked, I'd move there. I agree with you in that we need to talk about what happened and where we both stand, but how can I get him to open up to it? Where do I begin? What do I say? I do love him...more than I can possibly explain to anyone. When I am with him, I feel that is where I belong. I'm willing to make huge changes in my life so that we can give this a shot.

There was a prior time that we discussed being together. It was last year around this time and I said that I'd like to give things a try and that I was willing to move if that was the case and he said "I'm sorry. I will never say never, but now? No" and that was the end of it.

[Nixee]

This sounds actually somewhat similar to what I went through with a very close friend of mine, so I feel for you. We built a friendship/became romantic... it felt like we were getting involved in a relationship, but then he backed away from things. There was also distance between us. For me, just like with you, there was never any doubts - I was completely willing to dive in head first and make things work. I also already knew I was moving to where he lived for other reasons, so yes... distance wasn't the issue in my mind. But he was always hesitant.

 

When we did talk about things, he even said things similar to that line "I can never say never" or "I dont know what the future holds..." but the end result was the same - he wasn't diving into a relationship with me - he wasn't chasing me like someone in love really should be.

 

Yes, I believe he did love me. As a friend I know he did. Attracted? Chemistry? Yes absolutely.... But something always held him back. Maybe it was just timing.

 

The bottom line is - you cannot force someone to be in a relationship with you. They should want it and be willing just like you. I do still think you should talk with him.. try to discuss your feelings and how things would work, but you also have to be gentle about things, because it seems like, no matter how much he may truly have feelings for you, something is obviously holding him back and you just can't push that.

 

Maybe a good thing to point out to him is that you have obviously had strong feelings for each other for 3 years, and you don't think they are going away... maybe it is time to consider taking the risk. You cannot have the rewards without the risk.

 

And the thing you need to ask yourself is whether YOU are willing to take the risk as well this time. If he says no, are you going to try to be 'just friends' with him, knowing you are in love with him and want more?

 

Perhaps he has kept you on hold for so long simply because he has felt that he could.