43 yr old guy and still a virgin

[helpme79]

I am just what the title says and am sick to death of it, its not like I havent tried to go out with women but for some reason women dont like me I have been turned down by every woman I have ever asked out and the ones I know say that "oh you dont want to go out with me" why they say this I dont know I am a very honest person, compassionate and a very good friend but it seems that after a while women either get tired of me or I dont know because after a while they wont even take my phone calls I am not the kind of person that would ever pressure anyone in to going out with me so I just chaulk it up to I am just not interesting enough to keep a persons attention. I have finally come to grips that I am one of those people that will just be lonely for the rest of my life. I know this sounds self defeating, I have been to therepy and that didnt help 3 doctors and all it seemed was that they were more concerned about being paid than helping anyone I wish that I had a friend to talk to but all I have is an ailing aging mother that I have been forced to take care of talk about putting a crimp in some ones life. I walk around constantly pissed off snapping at the least provacation, I cant tell you the amount of times I have snapped and yelled at my mother for nothing shes done but I guess because I am so upset that I take it out on the closest person which happens to be her I am stuck with her day in and day out never any time for myself I am slowly watching my life slip away getting older and older where I cant help but think that this is what I have to look forward to an empty life with no one to care about or any one to care about me. I know this sounds like sour grapes but I am really at my wits end If I dont do something I am afraid for the person I take care of I have so much anger that I cant control myself sometimes and its just a matter of time before I take it out on her physically.

[kuhl282000]

hello

 

Well you have found a place to make some new friends. I know when I first stumbled accross this site it was refreshing. Now that I have been here for awhile, i have met some wonderful new loving caring people. IU'm not sure we can help you get laid, but we can sure try and give you some suggestions. Well sounds like you went through what many of us go through when we end up at the doctors. Yes some people care and other only seem to care about the money. I think you are at least coming to some terms in your life. You are seeing things from a different view point. And as we get older that can get a little spookey. I know i have been going through like I'm done with my old life thing. and at 53 getting ready to start all over....fresh a brand new life. one part is exciting and a little scary at the same time. hope you are ready to. no one wants to die alone. that is not what you are all about. you know deep down in your heart what you need to do......but like me it gets a little scary. watch the anger. you don't want to really hurt anyone. if it is a matter of talking to someone you are always welcome to pm me anytime. sounds to me at leaast you are aware of some major stuff going on with you. And I think that is a major step is solving something that can help you lead a better and happier lifestyle. one you deserve and need to start living.

 

warm regards

kuhl

8) 8) 8)

[helpme79]

First of all I am not looking to have anyone help me get laid I have been this long with out ever having sex that i have given up on it its just i am very affraid that i will hurt someone because i am so angry with how @!#$@# my life has turned out i never wanted to be stuck taking care of my parent alone when i have a brother that has decided that it is easier to sling verbal attacks at me instead of helping me take care of her we have not heard from him in 3years and he lives 3 miles away from us i am barred from contacting him because he has decided to put a restraining order on me because i chastised him for not taking a more active role in my mothers care. I feel like the walls are coming down all around me. I am a person that is a religious person and i remember a saying that god would not have given me somthing if he new i couldnt handle it well i just hope he knows what hes doing because i really dont know how long i can take this. The thing about a relation well one thing i notice is that i am very jealous of couples on the street that i see because i say why cant that ever be me or when i read in the paper the wedding announcements it just makes me so pissed, or see a movie or somthing on tv. I for some reason just cant seem to shake these feelings they have been going on for years its just recently that i have had enough and have turned into this very mean person believe me if i told you some of the thing s that i have done it would not be pretty.

[SweetGemini]

hi there!

 

first of all u need to relax, just chill for a minute!

 

Now do u take care of ur mum 24/7? if u do, why dont u get a nurse or a carer to spend a few hours with her a day, im sure ur government provides some help with that.. its very important for u to have some time apart from ur mum or else u'll become mad!! i know i would if i was in your position!!!!!

 

dont worry about finding someone to share ur life with right now but focus more on making friends and a social circle, if u get sometime apart from ur mum, dedicate that time to hobbies, enroll urself in a class u always wanted to do and never had the time, such as pottery, painting, tennis, im sure u are capable with coming up with something. by getting urself involved within the community, then u become part of it! u wont be an outsider anymore... remember fresh start is everything! so start with a new outlook to life, start turning every negative around u to a positive thing! trust me it works, i always do it and it works for me...

 

once u get urself involved with ur hobby, u are deemed to meet people, so u would need to show these people the good side of u, if u are mean to them of course they wouldnt wanna get to know u better, so be nice! try and be interesting! tell them what u enjoy doing, remember: ALWAYS sound positive, positive people attract people to them!!

 

once u start establishing ur social circle, which may take a while, but patience man, u aint that old, ur only 43!! then ur friends would start introducing u to new friends!! and u never know u may end up meeting a lovely woman!!

 

always take pride on the way u look!! if u look tidy, clean, well dressed at all times u are bound to attract women, oh and a killer smile!! be confident with who u are!! do u think those guys with suits and women around them are better than u!?? no way!! its u who makes u!!!

 

so try make the new u as interesting as possible, and even enrolling urself at a gym is great!! not only u will become fitter, u will feel better about urself..... and yet again bound to find some women!!!

 

best of luck!! always feel free to submit any questions in here, we are here to help each other...

 

best of luck!!

[helpme79]

what do you think i just fell off the apple cart here the govt first of all doesnt provide assistance in any way shape or form I hve already looked into that as for enrolling in a class if it was that easy to solve this problem i wouldnt be here like I said I have had no experienced with women the bottom line is I am afraid of women because I have never ever been with a woman other than in a professional work manner.personally i cant wait for this parent to die so i can get on with my life part of the reason I feel i am this way is because of how this parent had control over my life granted I probably should have never let it happen but murder was a crime last time i checked. I am just so angry that this is the hand i was delt and i need to vent before i do something i will regret later by the way i have done the club thing as well as the single thing but i am limited in what i can do because the only time i have is when i can sneek away when she is asleep and that only for a couple hours solike i said i have come to realize that until this ends i will just deal with it on a day to day basis with this hey dont get me wrong i would like to meet someone but 43 years is a lot to undo in such a short time i would have like to have had some kids but at 43 i dont think its possible. life sucks and taking care of someone you hate makes it even worse

[jasminebose]

Hey,

Just wanted to point out that negativity breeds negativiity. It sounds like you do have legitimate complaints but you need to think about how far feeling angry and sorry for yourself has got you so far. I think the last person who replied to you was genuinely trying to help you (and even if you have thought of everything suggested you should at least be grateful they took the time to try and help you). I think you need to focus on whatever's positive in your life now (there must be at least one thing) and try and find ways to get out more. You said you are religious, if the government won't help maybe your local church (or wherever you worship) would? Just an idea.

JZ

[MrKawabata]

You are right, life can indeed suck at times, but I have to say - I don't think any self-respecting woman would want to be around a man who is angry. You did say that you were a religious person, so I suggest venting to God - I assume that you do have a prayer life?

 

As for your mother and, think of the good things that she has done for you. Sure, there are bad times too, but you wouldn't be in this world and you probably wouldn't have survived without her help in your earlier years.

 

Think about this - if you look after your mother in a good way, then from that model you should be able to care for your future wife. With that positive attitude perhaps your fortune just might change a bit. Be content and grateful in what you have, and try and meet people if you can e.g. a Church group if you are that way inclined. A word of warning though - nobody wants to be with a bitter old grump, so if that is true, then maybe you have some character traits to work on.

[chrysanthelien]

I agree with the previous posters. SweetGem really did mean well. I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't mean your sarcasm to be offensive. I wanted to respond to what you said about being religious:

 

I feel like the walls are coming down all around me. I am a person that is a religious person and i remember a saying that god would not have given me somthing if he new i couldnt handle it well i just hope he knows what hes doing because i really dont know how long i can take this.

 

In church yesterday, the pastor talked about how weak we humans are, and how much we need God in our life. I don't know the specific saying you're referring to, but I do believe God wouldn't give you the task of caring for your Mom instead of your brother if He did not intend something good to come from it. It may be His way of trying to get you to turn to Him. I don't know God's plan, but one thing the pastor said in his sermon, which maybe he said so that I could pass along to you, was that we need to pray. God doesn't give us things to handle by ourselves, but He's there, waiting to help us, if we only ask Him and we believe. This is something I struggle with a lot, so it's not easy, but you can ask God for anything. I think you don't want to hurt your mom and don't want to hate her, and you still have a lot of heart because you're still taking care of her. It's an extremely difficult thing to take care of an elderly parent by yourself. But you do. You can ask God for peace and guidance and faith if you need it, and relief from your circumstances. Often if I haven't prayed in a while, I will also ask God for ears to hear and eyes to recognize what His answer is to me. Sometimes I ask Him to soften my heart. He always answers, but in different ways.

 

When it's the right time, God will send the right person to you, because for the most part I don't think He intended us to be lonely. But, even if we are single, God is with us so we're not really alone. He knows everything you've done that you mentioned in your post that we don't know, and He loves you anyway. I heartily agree with MrK about seeing if you can get help thru a church group. Some churches have volunteer assistance programs with the elderly. Maybe you can give them a call when you're at work?

 

Hope that helps,

Chris

[GeeCee]

Hi

 

I think that you have been given some really good generic advise about trying to put your life on track. However, there is a limit as to what the people on this forum can do. You are clearly very angry, you are taking a step in teh right direction, by seeking help here, but maybe you need more focused attention - could you go to your doctor and seek guidance from him. You really do have a lot of anger, you are worried about physically hurting your mother and your brother has a restraining order against you for 'chastising' him. That must have been quite a lot of chastising!

 

I really think that you need to talk through the underlying problems with a professional. Joining the gym, meeting new friends, wearing some smart clothes will not make the anger go away - I think there is an underlying problem that you need to address, before you can move forwards.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[kuhl282000]

HELLO AGAIN

 

I WANTED TO SAY I WAS SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID IN MY FIRST POST. I WS JUST TRYING TO KEEP THINGS LIGHT. I WILL SAY THAT I READ EVERYTHING RELATING TO YOU. AND THE PEOPLE HERE ARE REAL CARING AND I HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE VERY WISE BY NATURE. I DID CATCH THE PART ABOUT WHEN YOU SAW COUPLES AND HOW YOU FELT. REGARDLESS OF YOUR PAST HISTORY WITH WOMEN. YOU SAID YOU HAD NO EXPERIENCE. WELL YOU CAN LEARN. I WOULD SUGGEST YOU BURY ALL THE NEGATIVE STUFF AND TRY AND START FRESH. EVERYTHING WE CREATE IS IN OUR MINDS, BOTH GOOD AND BAD. I THINK YOU HAVE GOTTEN SOME GREAT ADVICE REGUARDING YOUR MOTHER AND I UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO DO THIS. BUT LIKE YOU SAID, GOD WOULD NOT GIVE THIS TO YOU UNLESS HE THOUGHT YOU COULD HANDLE IT. I KNOW I HAVE SAID THE EXACT SAME THING MYSELF AT DIFFICULT TIMES IN MY LIFE. I WOULD SUGGEST AS FAR AS MEETING A NICE LADY SOMETHING THAT I KNOW DOES WORK. GO TO YAHOO PERSONALS, CLICK IN, AND FILL OUT THE FORM...IT IS FREE.....AND VERY PROFESSIONAL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO...YOU CAN SAY TELL YOU LATER.....IT IS ALL BASED ON ZIP CODES, SO IT WILL BRING UP LADIES IN YOUR AREA. THE KEY IS TO PUT UP SOME COOL PHOTOS, THE ONES WITH THE PHOTOS GETS THE MOST REPLYS. I DID IT MYSELF AND MET A WONDERFUL LADY. WE STARTED CHATTING, AND IT WAS VERY LIGHT IN THE BEGINNING, AND IT MOVED TO DIFFERENT LEVELS. I WAS NEVER ONE FOR INTERNET DATING MYSELF. A FRIEND WHO WAS DOING IT SUGGESTED IT. SO I SAID WHAT THE HECK I WILL GIVE IT A TRY. I DID AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTION AND CONSIDER DOING IT YOU CAN PM ME AND I WOULD BE MORE THAN GLAD TO HELP YOU. AS FAR AS THE MONEY WORKS ON THE SITE, THEY OF COURSE WANT YOU TO JOIN AND SPEND MONEY. BUT IF YOU ARE THE ONE (MEANING A MALE) AND WANTING TO CONTACT FEMALES. THEY CHARGE YOU A FEE, SOMETHING LIKE $20 BUCKS A MONTH. i NEVER PAID A DIME. BUT THEY ALLOW YOU TO POST YOUR AD FOR FREE AS THE FEMALES CONTACT YOU IS THEY ARE INTERESTED. WHEN THAT HAPPENS YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CONTACT THEM BACK....NO FEE INVOLVED. I WAS GETTING AROUND 10 A WEEK. AND REMEMBER IT ONLY TAKES ONE...THAT ONE SPECIAL LADY THAT IS OURTHERE FOR YOU. AND YES GOD INTENDED IT THAT WAY. BECAUSE I THINK THAT BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A GOOD WOMEN. YOU JUST HAVE NOT FOUND YOURS YET. THINK OF IT THIS WAY. IF YOU WANT TO WIN THE LOTTO, YOU HAVE TO BUY A TICKET. IF YOU WANT A JOB, YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION. SO YOU HAVE TO DO SOME OF THE WORK, IF YOU ISOLATE YOURSELF FROM WOMEN ...TRUST ME IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR YOU. AND YOU CAN DO THIS.

 

LET ME KNOW IF I CAN HELP !!!!

 

kUHL

8) 8) 8)

[helpme79]

I read all your posts and am still not convinced that this will correct anything for I have done everything that was suggested the websights yahoo, he## I even tried a couple of the sex dating websights to no avail I have been at this for a year had my picture in my profile as well and not a single response now do you see why I am so bitter and no I dont put in my profile that I am a virgin why that would scare off people i know no one wants someone thats that inexperienced especially at my age as for hating my mother think about it i am in this hell because i have to take care of her so unless she dies soon the longer i have to do this the worse it will be for her. as for church and turning to god i think thats a little selfish to ask him for anything when there are a lot of people in worse situations than me that need his help he already has decided how my life is going to be so I guess i have to accept this fate I am not hapy with it but what the heck I learned early on in life how hard it can be I just never thought that my actions earlier in life would have led to were i am now a pissed off low self esteemed piece of sh## who been given a job that I despise. as for getting out my time to my self is from 10pm to 12am not much time to start any kind of relation with anyone thats why I dont have any friends either all have abandoned me because I am stuck with this F$#@%^!* job.

[helpme79]

reading all these posts over again i have realised that there is nothing in them that is new i dont live with my head in the sand you people think that this is the first time i have asked for advice its the same old sh%$ the underlying thing is that being that i have never been with a woman and this has caused me to have a very low self esteme of my self so all the talking in the world is never going to change that al you people can say what you want but until you have walked in my shoes you have no clue i know some people are probably saying why dont you pick up a hooker and get laid well if i wanted a disease i would i want some one to care about me the way i care about them i have been very generous in the way i use to deal with friends and aquaintances but it has come to the point were no more i have been burned to many times its time to take the gloves off as for taking care of this person well if i dont kill her thats a good thing but if things dont change well i cant really say what i will do heres an analogy as to what i am going thru a starving man standing outside a diner with out any money looking for the door and no wayin to get any he can look in and dream and see all the people enjoying their meal but knows that he'll never be able to get in.

[joe83]

You are angry, but I think you have a right to be. If things continue as they have been, I have a feeling I will be in your shoes when I am 43.

 

--Joe

[chrysanthelien]

Dear Help,

 

Perhaps someone should have asked you what kind of help you're looking for on this site. A lot of people turn here for advice, trying to get new ideas and maybe a little bit of sympathy or empathy, or kind words. The previous posters have tried to provide this kind of assistance. If people posting 'old ideas' you've already tried annoys you so much, perhaps you should tell us just what you've already tried. Not living your head in the sand, you must realize on some level that responding negatively to people trying to be sympathetic and helpful alienates them. "You people" is never taken nicely and is rarely meant nicely.

 

You seem to know what the problem is.

 

I am so bitter

i am now a pissed off low self esteemed piece of sh## who been given a job that I despise.

the underlying thing is that being that i have never been with a woman and this has caused me to have a very low self esteme of my self so all the talking in the world is never going to change that

 

You are right, all the talking in the world will not change how you feel about yourself. Nothing we say can change how you view your life and whether or not you take the steps to change what you don't like about your life. Only you can change that, you & God. This is an eboard, what the h*** did you expect? No one on this board will step forward and offer to take care of your Mom for you, or ask you for a date or set you up with someone, or give you money for a vacation. For someone who doesn't have their head in the sand, it's amazing that you haven't figured out that the only human being responsible for your happiness is you. It's strange you haven't realized that there are many people who are miserable because they think the world is out to get them, or that their situation is closing them in, acting on them. Perhaps you have realized it, and have also realized that this is causing your misery. In all of your posts, you write about things being done to you, happening to you, out of your control.

 

You haven't told us the specific consequence of you going on a vacation or out of town for a day, or taking a day off. You say you "have to" take care of your Mom and that you think about killing her, and that you can only get away from her at night when she's sleeping. Is she threatening your life? Will someone put you in jail or torture you for taking an evening to yourself?

 

I think you still have heart, if you're still taking care of her because you 'feel you should', and if you want someone to care for. I also think you should be clear about what kind of help you want from this board, new ideas which apparently are all old ideas to you or a sympathetic ear. If you want new ideas, you'll need to look past the annoyance and be clear that your annoyance is due to your situation, and not due to people trying to help you. If you want a sympathetic ear, I'd start by being a little nicer. Second, I'd probably be more specific about my conflicts with taking care of my Mom. i.e. she drives me nuts when she xyz. Some of us haven't been in your shoes, true, but some have, and as you mentioned, some will even have had it worse than you.

 

And re: God,

as for church and turning to god i think thats a little selfish to ask him for anything when there are a lot of people in worse situations than me that need his help he already has decided how my life is going to be so I guess i have to accept this fate I am not hapy with it but what the heck

 

So, you're saying you won't ask God for help because a) you don't want to be selfish and b) He put you in your situation in the first place. And yet you wrote

I just never thought that my actions earlier in life would have led to were i am now.

I dare propose that you are responsible for your happiness and your misery. You CHOOSE to take care of her, every day, and you CHOOSE to be miserable about it. You CHOOSE your job, and your role in society. I also propose that your pride keeps you from asking Him for help, because it means admitting that you are weak and need assistance. Sure, you're asking us for help, but you've responded to our replies with negativity, as if you think we think you're the apple that just fell off the tree because of the responses you got. You've responded by acting like you don't need anyone's help, to keep your pride.

 

I don't know what prior actions you took that led to your being where you are. But that's like crying over spilt milk. Some things we don't choose, like that no one responded to your ads online. But we do choose things like whether to respond to someone else's ad, or whether to apply for a different job, or whether to try to meet new people. WE choose whether we'll give the new or maybe old idea a chance. And we choose whether we're going to continue to feel bitter or not. People who've literally survived jail or torture camps or those kinds of experiences and come through it a better person are not different from any of us, are not 'special' except they realized they have a choice, accepted the responsibility, and applied their choice to their lives.

 

Re: your analogy,

It is the way that we respond to problems that make us stand out. Your starving man can knock on the window, or can walk to another diner, or wait for someone to go in or out to find the door. The problem isn't that he's hungry, but that he "knows" he'll never be able to get in.

 

And, if this response is "the same old shit", maybe it's up to you to find whatever it is you think you need that you haven't found yet, because only you know what you're willing to try (therapy or edating or church). It won't work if you don't recognize a door as a door, no matter how many times people tell you it's there.

 

Good luck with your CHOICE,

Chris

[pologirl214]

You sound like you are very angry, and like you said, none of us has walked in your shoes, we cannot possibly know what you have gone through, and none of us claim to. You say that you are a religious person, yet you are not willing to turn to God because you feel that your problem is not important enough or your situation serious enough to warrant help. Well, I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I personally believe that there is no problem big enough or small enough that it is not appropriate to ask God for guidance. The church I go to has had a couple sermons lately that affected me very deeply, one that I think pertains especially to your situation. The website is link removed and you can listen to the sermons online. The "Twelve Feet of Separation" one seems very relevant to me, so just give it a listen and see what you think.

[MrKawabata]

I do know a 45 year old virgin female religious woman if you are interested.

[chrysanthelien]

Alas, MrK has proved me wrong. Heheheh.