SanSerif Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 We were playing tennis. It is a beautiful day outside. We were having a blast, joking around with our new tennis sweatbands and raquets and having a good time. I was strutting around and acting funny like a jack*ss. She was laughing hard. We were the only ones on the court. Then some guy and chick come and get on the court next to us. We don't know them. About 5 minutes later, I'm still acting the same, trying to get a laugh out of my girlfriend and have a good time...then instantly her facial expression changes. I parade around a bit more for her and see if she'll still laugh, but not anymore. She's dead serious. I KNOW she must be feeling threatened by this other chick on the court next to us. I also know she'd never cop up to it. So I wipe my own smile off my face, seeing that this is the way it's going to be, and just drone through our volleys until she calls a break. I ask her why her expression just abruptly changed; she says she's not very good and needs practice or something, with her eyes darting back and forth between me and this other chick behind me by 50 feet, playing happily with her guy. I already know she's lying, so I say I don't want to play with a quitter, and she's just gonna have to try harder. Either that or we'll go home. We get back out there and play, with similar results... The guy and the chick leave. Almost instantly her face changes, and she's smiling and darting around like a loon again. So, without a hint of subtlety, I explain what I just saw happen. She says, "I can tell when you're showing off for some other chick. You were trying to dance and be funny because she was around. I can always tell." This to me is total . No one should be asked to live their lives pandering to the potentiality of their partner having a jealous breakdown. This has happened before. I am sure it'll happen again, only I'm not sure what I'll do when it does...it's unfair to me; I was having a great time goofing off with her and the second someone else shows up who has a vagina, I have to pay for her imaginary fiascos because all of a sudden, the only way she'll be pacified is if I pretend to feel guilty for something. It's like waking up to your girlfriend hitting you because you looked at some chick's ass in a dream she just had. , man. When does this end? Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Sorry to say but that happens with both sexes. Yes, it sucks, but if you love her, then you'd understand that no matter what you say, you should support her and her feelings. Some people just have lower self confidence and are more insecure than others. Their S/O hopefully knows this and can be consoling and assuring in times of "break-downs". No one should be asked to live their lives pandering to the potentiality of their partner having a jealous breakdown. Unfortunately, that's life and that's how love sometimes goes. People get jealous, it's a natural human emotion that we have all felt, and most likely will always feel, just some more than others. ...it's unfair to me; I was having a great time goofing off with her and the second someone else shows up who has a vagina, I have to pay for her imaginary fiascos because all of a sudden, the only way she'll be pacified is if I pretend to feel guilty for something.? What is unfair? Sorry man, but relationships aren't always fair. I'm sure she's not on cloud 9 100% of the time either. There may be things she finds unfair, just as you do. You're in a relationship, talk about them, fix them... I don't think you have to pretend you're guilty. Simply explaining to her that she's being silly will most likely work. Usually, being understanding and loving about it will help someone with jealousy issues. Anger and fighting only makes things worse. People get jealous... can't change that. If you love her then you should do your best to get her to understand... maybe that will be enough for her to realize her jealousy isn't justified. When does this end? If you want it to end, you should break up with her. If you love her, work it out. You seem to be real angry at her instead of being understanding of her emotional issues. If you can't deal with it, or do not want to, then I suggest finding someone else. I'm sure you already know this though, but every individual has negative things about them that may bother some and not others... It's up to you and how you deal with relationships that determines how it works out. No one you find will be perfect, I can promise you that. If you choose to let things bother you instead of fixing them, then you'll be asking the same question you've asked here your whole life... I've gone out with a real jealous guy. I understood he was hurt before, therefore I always had to make it clear to him that I loved him... I didn't care or get angry if he got jealous. Why get angry? That only escalates the situation. Understanding and talking does much better for a relationship... Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Totally disagree with all that. She's not a hurt child, she's a control freak. You're potentially going to live a lifetime of that. Me? I'd be gone, I couldn't live like that. Link to comment
anggrace Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Based on this alone, Im not convinced she has jealousy problems. Maybe she just felt self consious because she's not that good at tennis. I know I have a lot more fun when no one else is on the court. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Totally disagree with all that. She's not a hurt child, she's a control freak. You're potentially going to live a lifetime of that. Me? I'd be gone, I couldn't live like that. Since when does jealous = control? It's got nothing to do with control. More of an insecurity problem. Now if you don't want to date an insecure person, that's fine... But it's not the same thing as not wanting to date a controlling person. My ex was always jealous because guys would look at me all the time, but he was NOT controlling whatsoever. Far from it. Fortunately, there are a lot of understanding people in this world that have the patience to work things out with people they care about. If one of someones flaws (albeit a great person all around) happened to be jealousy, that can be fixed easily by a little assurance from their partner. Lots of people get jealous all the time. Thank God people don't just kick them to the curb the minute they get jealous... If that were the case 95% of people would be single. Link to comment
Lights Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Based on this alone, Im not convinced she has jealousy problems. Maybe she just felt self consious because she's not that good at tennis. I know I have a lot more fun when no one else is on the court. Agree - and being self-conscious can be brought out completely when others show up. She might feel completely comfortable being herself around YOU, but she might start feeling pretty bad and self-conscious when another girl shows up with her boyfriend and unintentionally shows off and shows her up. Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Based on this alone, Im not convinced she has jealousy problems. Maybe she just felt self consious because she's not that good at tennis. I know I have a lot more fun when no one else is on the court. I thought that, but then I read on and saw ..."She says, "I can tell when you're showing off for some other chick. You were trying to dance and be funny because she was around. I can always tell." The fact that he was already showing off before the other chick was around seems and FOR HER to have been overridden by the jealousy. The OP also said that this has happened before. I feel for him. Stuff that. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Based on this alone, Im not convinced she has jealousy problems. Maybe she just felt self consious because she's not that good at tennis. I know I have a lot more fun when no one else is on the court. I thought of that too... I sometimes get embarassed when doing things I'm not good at around other people. It may not only be that, but when you're goofing around a lot and you're used to (like in this case) having the court all to yourselves goofing around... I don't think it would be uncommon to start acting more serious when others walk onto the court... Link to comment
SanSerif Posted July 3, 2009 Author Share Posted July 3, 2009 Hey thanks for the replies .. Just a few thoughts - this kind of thing has happened before. I completely understand with the concept of being sympathetic and understanding when someone has a jealous reaction, and how getting angry can seemingly only hurt the situation. I am fully aware of that. The thing is, it has happened often enough that despite, yes, me being understanding and reassuring and caring, it still continues to happen. What you might be missing out on is that this has been an issue throughout our 2.5 year relationship. The outbursts and jealousy and my reactions to them span and envelop an entire spectrum of the evolution over time of this issue. It's not like this is the first or even tenth time this has happened. There were times when I have been completely reassuring and understanding. Then there were times when I have been reassuring, but slightly annoyed that it has come up again. I will admit fault when there is some, and explain myself in detail, but on the whole there is no reason for her to ever really feel threatened. Then there have been times where I've thought to myself, "Now, this doesn't seem rational .. this just seems crazy." Totally unfounded claims that I am acting with infidelity. And then there are times, most recently, where I have reacted in complete defense - offended by the very idea, given our history, that what she conjured in her head held any bearing in reality. My integrity, my honesty, my loyalty is constantly tested. And even baited at times. I have never cheated on her. Not even close. She's #1. Link to comment
Elena1607308080 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Hey. I've read your previous threads about this girl and uh, I acted like that with a boyfriend when I was 16. Then I grew up. I have no idea how old you both are. But I assume you're adults and she shouldn't be acting so immature. Let me tell you, this isn't something that's just going to change. You need to set boundaries. You need to tell her that she either trusts you or it's not gonna work. She's doing the same thing over and over again because she can. You let her get away with it and reassure her over and over again. It's up to you to stop this vicious cycle. So, you've got three options. 1) You stand up for yourself and finish this relationship. After the initial pain you will meet another girl sooner or later who will be beautiful and have a great personality - and, guess what - will NOT give you any jealous bs. Sounds good, aye? 2) You set clear boundaries and tell her she either changes this or you're gone. You have a serious talk with her and tell her everything that's on your mind. Then she will be on trial for let's say 4 weeks. Depending on what the result is, you decide for option 1) or option 3). 3) You do nothing - you keep putting up with this and let her have these annoying jealous outbursts over and over again. With a probability bordering on certainty she will not change. So you'll always have to walk on eggshells to avoid any feelings of jealousy from her side - meaning, don't look at other girls, don't talk to other girls, completely erase your ex-gf from your brain. If she's worth all the effort and all the trouble - good for you! Have a great limited, controlled life. Keep in mind, her jealousy issues are part of her personality and this kind of problem usually stems from someone's childhood or the way they grew up. She is very insecure and you let her walk all over you. Tell her to see a therapist, they might be able to help her. But please listen, cause I'm speaking from experience. These issues destroy a relationship. You will keep trying but eventually it'll eat you up inside. Please stop this before it gets worse - and believe me, it will. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Totally disagree with all that. She's not a hurt child, she's a control freak. You're potentially going to live a lifetime of that. Me? I'd be gone, I couldn't live like that. I tend to agree here aswell I'm afraid. If I acted like that, and I have done in the past believe me, I would be expected to be reprimanded for acting like a child and receive a firm telling off. I know how it feels to be jealous like that, but you cannot act like that I'm afraid and make someone feel bad for something they haven't even done. It's not fair. I think you should tell your GF this is unacceptable and you won't be made to feel like that again. The problem here is her, not you, she needs to know that and SHE needs to change or have a word with herself, or a grown-up chat together. Don't stand for it. Tell her the next time she acts like that, you're going home until she apologises (and grows up a bit) Link to comment
free2Bme Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I tend to agree here aswell I'm afraid. If I acted like that, and I have done in the past believe me, I would be expected to be reprimanded for acting like a child and receive a firm telling off. I know how it feels to be jealous like that, but you cannot act like that I'm afraid and make someone feel bad for something they haven't even done. It's not fair. I think you should tell your GF this is unacceptable and you won't be made to feel like that again. The problem here is her, not you, she needs to know that and SHE needs to change or have a word with herself, or a grown-up chat together. Don't stand for it. Tell her the next time she acts like that, you're going home until she apologises (and grows up a bit) 100% agree with this. I too have acted this way, I have always felt embarassed and furious with myself afterwards, when I rationalise and see things as they really are, but at the time, I have flown off the handle. I have accused my guy of finding other girls more attractive, just because they happen to walk past us, I have accused him of oggling girls, just because they are there, regardless of whether he has looked or not. It's totally an insecurity thing, and by god, it's really helped to have my boyfriend stop * * * * * footing around the subject, when I get like this, he gets stern and cross with me and won't stand for it. And it has really helped me to get better in these kind of situations. Hope you can sort it out with her. Link to comment
krazy kerry Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I tend to agree here aswell I'm afraid. If I acted like that, and I have done in the past believe me, I would be expected to be reprimanded for acting like a child and receive a firm telling off. I know how it feels to be jealous like that, but you cannot act like that I'm afraid and make someone feel bad for something they haven't even done. It's not fair. I think you should tell your GF this is unacceptable and you won't be made to feel like that again. The problem here is her, not you, she needs to know that and SHE needs to change or have a word with herself, or a grown-up chat together. Don't stand for it. Tell her the next time she acts like that, you're going home until she apologises (and grows up a bit) How bad do you think his girlfriend felt if she couldnt hide her feelings? You say you've felt jealousy, but maybe you havent experienced it to the point where all rationality is gone! I dont think she'd have acted in such an embarrassing way to try and make him feel bad! Im on another forum and a friend on there has been a major sufferer all her life and she's just celebrated her 28year anniversary so it doesnt always mean the end of a relationship! It also puts into question the op's maturity that he cant sit down with his girlfriend to find out where her issues may have come from and work out a way of reassuring her! Depending on how she got to this point depends on if reassurance will help! WE ALL HAVE ISSUES and feelings that can be so overwhelming that we act dumb and im sure the op has things about him that his girlfriend accepts cos she loves him, this is just an emotion that is out of control and this poor girl should not solely be judged by this one thing! If the op cant see past this one thing and try and help his girlfriend then that is what is going to kill their relationship! She deserves better than the * * * * * ing said about her on here!!!!! Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 When you have done nothing wrong, why should you have to put up with that crap? Yes we all have issues but when it gets to the stage where someone feels jealousy to the point where she loses all rationailty and behaves in such an odious, obnoxiously controlling way maybe she shouldnt be having relationships and should sort herself out before subjecting anyone to her. Or maybe you feel that because everyone deserves a little love in their lives that the the rest of us should all look at the floor and stop living a free and happy life and live forever kissing their a$$ because they have issues? Because thats not love...Thats madness!! Link to comment
krazy kerry Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 When you have done nothing wrong, why should you have to put up with that crap? Yes we all have issues but when it gets to the stage where someone feels jealousy to the point where she loses all rationailty and behaves in such an odious, obnoxiously controlling way maybe she shouldnt be having relationships and should sort herself out before subjecting anyone to her. Or maybe you feel that because everyone deserves a little love in their lives that the the rest of us should all look at the floor and stop living a free and happy life and live forever kissing their a$$ because they have issues? Because thats not love...Thats madness!! Well she has to put up with you being such an ignorant and selfish bastard! If you care about her you work it out, if you dont then you walk away - better than coming on here and slating the girl for an emotion that she's feeling! Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Well she has to put up with you being such an ignorant and selfish bastard! If you care about her you work it out, if you dont then you walk away - better than coming on here and slating the girl for an emotion that she's feeling! Ummm, I think the whole point of the OP coming here was to try to work it out??? If he did not care, he would have dumped her without a second thought. In fact the whole point of this forum is for people to do that, is it not? BTW-Jealousy is an emotion that comes from within, just like rage.So please do not swear as me. I'm a female from the UK, not a bastard who you can abuse. Link to comment
krazy kerry Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 Oops sorry - i read it wrong because i was in a rush and assumed (wrongly) that you were the op! BUT if the op was asking for help then his typing is a bit off cos all i read was him slagging her off which invites others to do the same! There was not an ounce of compassion or understanding in his post and, if he cared at all about the girl instead of trying to be RIGHT i wouldnt have taken such offence! Reading some of the replies made my blood boil because im sure his girlfriend feels worse about the incident than him yet that wasnt even a consideration! Link to comment
amipushy Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 No, thats where we see it differently. I (and most of us?) read him as frustrated, annoyed and sick to death of her taking things the wrong way, seeing things that do not exist, controling where he looks, how he thinks, and how he should be. I'm sorry you can't see that. Her fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, neurosis, anger and rage is robbing HIM of joy and living his happy, carefree life and of course he fells negative towards her and is questioning the relationship. I dont think there would be many of either sex who wouldnt.. "Jealousy, a dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive." -British Psychologist, Havelock Ellis. If this was the other way around and the OP was a woman, it would be considered as bordering on an "abusive, controlling relationship." Link to comment
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