I want children..he really doesnt

[sfullerton]

When I met my fiancee, we briefly talked about our stance on children. He had 3 from a previous long term relationship and I wasnt sure at that time if I was able to have kids due to health issues. He had also previously had the procedure to take care of the Kid issue on his end.

After few months passed, I found out that I would still be able to have children some day. He told me that he wouldn't mind having one more with me if that should come up. We talked about the reversal and when would be appropriate as our relationship progressed.

Now, we have been engaged for almost a year, the wedding is still a year out. He tells me that he would rather not have children any more. He did say that he would if that was still what I wanted. He said that it didnt change anything we had decided.

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I do not want to give that dream up. I want to watch my child grow up, take them to sporting events, get them ready for prom, go to their wedding- as a mom, not just a step mom. But I also love him more than anything in the world and do not want to give up the life I have with him.

My question is- do I feel guilty about still wanting children and having him go through with everything even though I know in his heart he doesnt want to? He did tell me that he would be happy to have another child, just that he would prefer not to. Any advice?

[Catdancer]

Nope, do not feel guilty. When you all are ready for a baby, he'll get the reversal and off you go. He has agreed. And once you are pregnant, he will not be able to resist the new baby!

[hers]

I think this sort of thing will always be a dealbreaker. You don't know for sure if he won't be able to resist a new baby as CD suggests. I feel like this issue will always leave at least one person feeling resentful toward the other.

[SamiJayne]

My partner didn't want children when we found out we were pregnant with Sophie. He soon changed his mind by 18 weeks, and was excited!

Then when she passed away, he was "I'd rather wait a few years, maybe longer" I was desperate to get pregnant again. Then we both went out one night in January 09, and ops we forgot.

 

So he was again unsure about wanting it, but he's now so excited. He was even talking to my belly last night.

 

I'm not saying your partner will change his mind as well. It's just something hopefull.

 

But if he is willing to have the reversal, i'd be very worried he'd be resentful like Hermudders says.

[Dating Coach]

This is a BIG DEAL. Make sure you resolve this issue and are content with the decision BEFORE you get married.

[Sami Sue]

This is a BIG DEAL. Make sure you resolve this issue and are content with the decision BEFORE you get married.

 

Agreed. I don't think you can assume anything either way, but I certainly wouldn't PLAN to have a child with someone who said that "they'd prefer not to".

 

Does he have custody of his children? If not, how much time does he have with them? I think that sometimes these factors come into play. Has he become comfortable as a part-time parent? Does he want to "start over"? I think sometimes parents just get to a stage where they are "done". This can occur whether you are dealing with a first or second marriage. When the age-gap between children is large, or either parent believed that the baby days were over, some people just quit parenting. You mention sporting events and prom - do you want to do these things by yourself? I think you run that risk if you don't come to a clear resolution on this issue.

 

I urge you to talk with him more specifically before you get married. Make sure that he understands that you are open to hearing the truth. Listen to what he says without making it what you want to hear.

 

Best wishes,

Samisue