Six year relationship. Feelings still there?

[TennDECA]

Hello all.

 

I'm looking for opinions/advice regarding my six year long relationship. It is a somewhat long and complex story, so I will post it in three parts (basically, the three "stages" of our relationship), with questions at the end of each section. Thanks in advance for any input.

 

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My (ex) girlfriend, M, and I met six years ago during our last year of college. I knew her roommate and we actually talked a number of times over the course of 2-3 weeks before we actually met. The first night we met, we both had a GREAT time and ended up sleeping together. From that point, we started talking more and more and spending more and more time together, to the point of talking 2-3 times a day on the phone, seeing each other 4-5 days per week, etc. I knew I'd be moving home after graduation, so I really didn't want a serious relationship, but I really liked spending time with her, talking, going out, etc. The sex was GREAT and we were becoming very close friends. As far as I was concerned, we were close friends that were just "dating."

 

After about two months, we had a brief talk about our relationship. Next thing I know, we're "boyfriend/girlfriend." She told me that she had fallen in love with me after 2-3 weeks. I loved her, but I didn't think I was "in-love" with her. In any case, I wasn't interested in anyone else, so I figured I'd continue and see what happened.

 

After about one year, we both graduated. She moved back to her city and I moved back to mine. They are only about 2 hours apart, so we decided to continue seeing each other. She got a part time job while she considered going to nursing school and I was hired as a Police Officer and started the police academy. During this time, we continued to talk every day on the phone (usually 2-3 times) and we saw each other about every 5-6 weeks (usually she came to visit me.)

 

While I wasn't perfect, I feel I was a good boyfriend. I'd send her flowers, buy her gifts, was ALWAYS there for her to vent things, cry to, fix ANY problems she had, etc.

 

During one of these visits, she dropped the three big words - I Love You - for the first time. As I said before, even though I loved her, I didn't think I was in love with her and I wasn't going to lie to her (I have never lied to her) so I didn't say it back. I don't remember what I said.

 

Obviously, that had to hurt her a lot. But nothing changed. Things went on between us as usual. I was happy just "dating". I loved being with her and wasn't interested in seeing anyone else, so I figured why not? She had become my best friend and I had become hers. But inside, I knew she was very much in love with me, and even though I cared for her deeply, I didn't feel the same way.

 

Things continued like this for two more years (a total of three years.) Finally, I went to visit her one time and before going to bed, she said we had to talk. She asked if I had been in love before. I said yes. "So you know what it feels like then, right?" "I guess," I said. "So after three years, you'd think you would know if you were in love with me then." I said yes. Are you? I told her that as much as I loved and cared about her, I didn't think I was in love with her.

 

Obviously, this was not the answer she had waited three years to hear and was understandably upset. She cried for a bit, then told me she thought we should see other people. Basically, she was breaking up with me. To be honest, I was somewhat relieved, as I knew our relationship had gotten to the point where it wasn't fair to either of us. My friend had once joked that I was just "stringing her along" because I knew she didn't feel the same way. I disagreed, because both M and I knew how each other felt. Looking back, I think she stayed in the relationship so long in the hope that I would "come around." And I stayed in the relationship, because she had become my best friend and I DID love and care for her more than anything else.

 

In any case, we agreed that we would just be friends. Now I was very happy with this because she WAS my BEST friend. But, knowing how much she had been in love with me and for how long, plus knowing how much this had hurt her, I didn't expect our new friendship to last very long.

 

That is the end of Part I. So here are my questions to this point:

 

1. In this situation, what do you think the best way to get over someone is? (if you were her.)

 

2. When people in this situation say they are going to remain friends, how often does that REALLY happen?

 

Remember, answer these questions keeping in mind one person was very hurt and that we lived almost 3 hours apart and could have severed ties completely VERY easily. I await your insite and will post Part II of three in a few days.

 

Best regards.

[Hopingpraying]

I will answer question # 2 first:

 

2. I am friends with one of my ex's. It was a bad breakup and it took a long time, but we are good friends who look for advice about the opposite sex from one another. She is always asking for advice about what to do about her boyfriend and I would talk to her about problems I was having with my wife. So it can be done. I don't know how often but it really depends on the two people involved and whether they can truly forgive one another for the bad things they say when going through a breakup. It sounds like you two won't have this problem so it might be easier.

 

The other issue is she obviously has stronger feelings for you so she may have a more difficult time which leads into question # 1.

 

1. The best way for her to get over you is to implment the no-contact rule. She will need to keep from contacting you for a period of time so that she can get closure in the relationship. If she continues to talk with you she may hold out hope that you will come around, or you two may confuse things further by continuing to have sex with one another. Please don't do that to her.

 

Good luck. I am glad to see you are doing this the right way.

[TennDECA]

H&P,

 

Thanks for the reply. Remember, this break-up happened almost 3 years ago. We are still, however, in a very strange and confusing type of relationship (which will become more clear after I post Parts II and III.) I'm just curious what people's answers to those questions would be, given the information about the relationship up to the point of the break-up.

 

More to the point, I'm very interested in what other people will think of her actions AFTER the break-up (once I post them in Part II.)

 

Personally, my answers to the above questions are as follows:

 

1. I think the best way to get over someone is to have NO CONTACT. the length of time will vary from person to person and the degree to which they were emotionally involved in the relationship. Also, if you WERE very emotionally involved in the relationship, then continued contact will only serve to let your feelings and emotions continue.

 

2. I think it is rare when two people break-up after a long term relatinship, even under friendly conditions, to remain friends. If they do, it is usually just on a casual basis (may have lunch occationally or run into each other at the grocery store, etc.) If one party was badly hurt by the break-up, then the chance of staying friends is VERY small. Too many feelings, good and bad, from both people for it to work.

 

I just want to get a few opinions on things up to the point of the break-up before posting Parts II and III.

 

Best regards.

[Hopingpraying]

I agree with what you are saying Tenn... And when I say me and my EX are friends we are not buddy, buddy hang out and do stuff together. We just talk on the phone occasionally. We were involved in a three year relationship that ended pretty rough. But we are over that now and talk.

 

I agree with what you are saying and am interested in hearing about parts II and III....

[SLBG]

If u stay friend with an ex, I don't think that its like a normal friendship.

 

From past experiences the Ex will only wanna talk via email or phone. They don't want to meet up. They want to keep in touch so they no what ur up to but that's it.

 

How would they explain to their new partner that they are going out for the afternoon with the ex. Come on, if my partner told me she was going out with her ex I would be very curious.

 

Don't think I could just bite my tongue and not say anything. I think most ppl are like this, who would want there partners going out with their ex?

 

Might just be me, but I think we all feel this way. Am I wrong?

 

Oh, and please post parts II and III

 

slbg

[TennDECA]

Six year relationship PART II

 

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Okay, now you're aware of the basic story up to our break-up (almost 2 1/2 years ago.) Now for Part II.

 

When M broke up with me (in September 2001), we agreed to stay friends. Very cliche, to say the least. My personal opinion, as mentioned above, is that this almost NEVER works, especially when one party is hurt very badly. Needless to say, we were going to try.

 

M and I didn't talk for almost three days after our break-up. That's right. Three whole days. After that, it was back to things as usual. We would talk almost every day on the phone, 2-3 times a day sometimes. Over the course of the next few months, things continued almost as if we had never broken up, the only real difference being that we did not visit each other. There were even a few times when she would call late at night, usually a little drunk after going out and tell me she missed me, etc. I missed her too, and would say so. Neither one of us started seeing anyone else and (as far as I know) she didn't just "hook up" with anyone either (neither did I.)

 

This continued for about five months. In February, she went on a ski trip to Vermont with one of her girlfriends. Again, we talked while she was there. On the third or fourth night of the trip. I got a phone call from M at almost 5:30 a.m., waking me up. She was hysterical and in tears, upset and barely understandable. When I finally calmed her down, she told me that she had just been in a car accident. She and her friend had been driving back to their hotel, when they skidded on some ice, spun around and rolled her SUV down the side of a hill. Neither one was hurt, but she was obviously very upset.

 

My first gut reaction was to jump out of bed, get dressed and go find her (yeah right, almost 14 hours away.) Once I realized that was not feasible, I continued to talk to M and calm her down (even cracking a few jokes about her driving to get her to stop crying and smile). When we finally hung up, I lie there in bed not being able to go back to sleep and then it hit me, like a sledgehammer.

 

I was in LOVE with M. I had been the whole time. (I guess coming that close to losing someone makes you realize things.) I don't know why I didn't realize it OR wouldn't admit it to myself while we were dating, but there it was right in front of me and on the other end of a phone 14 hours away. I loved M and was completely IN LOVE with her. Now what ?!?!

 

Over the next few days, we talked on the phone 4-5 times a day (getting home from VT was a pain in the ass -- no car, etc.) I didn't say anything. We decided she was going to come visit me the next weekend (remember, we hadn't seen each other since the break-up.) So the next weekend came, and she came to visit. We had a great time going out, etc. After going out the second night, we were watching TV on the couch. One thing led to another and we started have sex. We moved to the bedroom and started to pick up where we had left off. Suddenly, she seemed different. I asked what was wrong. She asked me if I felt a little weird. Not knowing what to say, I said yeah a little, I guess. And we just stopped.

 

I didn't know what to say or feel, so I said nothing. I decided not to tell her how I felt, because I didn't think she felt the same way anymore and I didn't want to bring up old feelings and hurt her again. So for the next few months, things would continue as normal. We would talk almost every day on the phone. We actually started visiting each other again, about every 6-7 weeks. We would actually cuddle and such when watching TV and still sleep in the same bed, but no hanky panky. I'd send flowers and other things occasionally, etc. ("Friend" flowers, ya know.)

 

Mind you, this whole time I was now FULLY aware of how much I loved her and things that didn't really bother me in the past (such as her going out with her girl/guy friends) started weighing heavily on me. I guess you could call it jealousy. I became more and more anxious that she was going to meet soemone else one of these times out (she LOVES to party.) Yet I said nothing. She was now talking about moving out west after graduating nursing school.

 

Finally, September rolled around again. It had been one year since we broke up and four years since we met. The only thing that had really changed was that we were not sleeping together anymore. I was about to burst with what I was feeling inside and began asking the advice of my sister, other girl friends, etc. All of them agreed that she still had feelings for me and that I should say something. I would probably be happily surprised with the result. I didn't agree, on EITHER point.

 

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. One Friday night (it just HAPPENED to be the one year mark of our break-up) I got really drunk with a buddy who came to visit. When I got home, I wrote M a drunk e-mail (what am I, in high school???) telling her how I felt. The next day, when I woke up, I saw she had read the e-mail and I expected a phone call from M about it. I didn't know what her reaction would be, but I knew there'd be SOME reaction. Right?

 

Nothing. She called two days later, but not a word was mentioned about the e-mail. By either of us. Not a peep. It was things as usual. Was I still going to come visit her in two weeks? Sure! So for the next two weeks, it was same ol', same ol'. When I went to visit her, I decided I was going to say something face to face about the e-mail. My friends still though I would be happy with the result.

 

So I go to visit, we go out, etc, and we're back at home in bed going to sleep and I decide it's now or never. Time to lay it all out on the table. I mention the e-mail.

 

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END OF PART II.

 

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Okay guys. What do you think?

 

Basically, the only thing that changed after the break-up was not sleeping with each other anymore (except for one time, which didn't go too far). Based on her actions after the break-up (continued calling, calling me when really happy/upset about something, starting visits again after a few months, initially saying she missed me, not seeing anyone else, etc):

 

1. Does she still have feelings for me?

 

2. Is she over me/our relationship?

 

3. What do you think she said when I brought up the drunk e-mail face to face?

 

 

I await your insight.

[TennDECA]

BTT