(I am a dork.) Thanks guys SO much!

[lunchbox]

I should have come to this site earlier... some good advice to be found. I finally realized why my old boyfriend contacted me about a week ago. It's because I hadn't contacted him... he didn't even want anything specifically... he just wanted to 'talk' and he said it was so good to talk with me at the end of our conversation.

 

But I took advantage of this - I called him 2 nights in a row afterwards, with IMs in between. I guess I am kind of like a vacuum, as soon as I can suck in a little love, I need more and more!

 

I ended up crying on the phone, saying that I was so upset because I thought our friendship was over (we dated seriously for 4 years) and that I missed him and that I felt like he didn't care anymore because he never wanted to know how I was doing!

 

So silly! I've backtracked! I'm going to try again. Determined.

 

lunchie

[SLBG]

So you started the NO CONTACT and he contacted you a week ago. That's encouraging.

 

How long have you been split up?

 

Did he split up with you?

 

Do you want him back?

 

If you want him back then take things easy, we all make mistakes.

 

If you want some top advice check out this post:

 

link removed

 

Once you have read this post you may see things in a different way.

 

Good luck

[lunchbox]

Thanks SLBG, I went to check out MyJoy's post. I think I will print that too. I've just been so discouraged for the past few days, that I feel like I have OCD. ( he has OCD)... anyways...

 

We have been split up for almost 4 months now. For 2 of those, he has been casually dating some other girl (grrr... and she had the nerve to go out for lunch with me a week before they started dating, just a friend of a friend - I don't really know her)

 

He initiated the break up, but we agreed on it mutually (what was I supposed to say? If one person says they want to leave - I guess the other has no choice!) Afterwards, he went to visit his parents for a month over Christmas (overseas) and I barely spoke with him. When he returned, I desprately wanted him back. (This is where my stupid actions came in - crying, showing up at his house, calling every 5 minutes).

 

He has tried being a friend to me many times, but he either knows it is too hard for me right now and I can't handle it - or - he is having his cake and eating it too. (ie. new girl and me both) I wish he didn't know that I would take him back in a second.

 

Yes obviously, I do want him back.

I went to the gym tonight instead of staring at my msn. Yay me! thanks for your kind words.

Any other thoughts would be most welcome!!!

lunchie

[lunchbox]

i blocked him and his parents on msn. When I come on again in a week or so, maybe he'll wonder what I was up to and message me. Is this a good idea?

 

I don't want to talk to my best friend about him anymore. I introduced them a few years ago after she moved back home, and now they are good friends. I'm afraid she's been telling him everything that i've been feeling. he should not know that I'm a little stressed out.

 

lunchie

[vfunkera]

hello lunchbox,

 

You are not alone. A lot of us have been dorks. I remember my first love calling me after i kept away for only a day after we broke up. It was small talk, but from that point on i did what you did, and made a fool of myself for the next 3 months or so. Of course at the time i never would have guessed me keeping away was the reason she decided to check up on me, infact only a day had passed from when she told me those dreaded words, so i was still in shock. So i kept pestering and poking until i realised it wasn't working.

 

I went on no contact aiming for 2 months before i would call and win her back. That was 5 months ago and from that first fortnight i started i quite honeslty haven't looked back. Now i don't want to know her anymore and have a new girlfriend who wants to marry me .

 

We all chase that ex after they walk away- who hasn't? Just make sure it doesn't happen again. I did for the first time last year, and it ain't going to happen again, ever!

 

After reading the steps you have taken, i guarentee you will get through this in no time. Just paint that picture without him on that pallette, thats all you need to do, and you won't miss him when its complete. Make sure you learn from your mistakes, and learn from the experience of others on this website as well. Good luck .

[lunchbox]

I'm quite new on here, but have read up on the no contact rule, how not to panic if my old boyfriend starts dating someone else (which he is doing). But I can't tell if he's serious with her or not.

 

I thought this relationship was forever. He told me he seriously considered asking me to marry him. I want that more than anything!!

I've acted like desprate, insecure and weepy girl. Have I burned all my bridges?

[lunchbox]

He's going to live with his parents for the summer (in another country) and he's leaving in about 25 days. I am so scared he's going to invite the new girl to go visit him there, or that my chances are going to be ruined.

 

What's the best thing for me to do? I know he still cares for me deeply, he just doesn't want me to hurt. How can I make sure he contacts me before he leaves for home? I have always been the one to take him to and from the airport. I don't want to be his doormat anymore. I am not going to offer. I know he's going to assume that I will or that I will just show up to say goodbye. It's been 5 days since I've initiated contact.

 

I have not taken back my invitation to meet up this Sunday. But I have not pursued it either. He is really stressed out with exams coming up - how do I know if he's just forgotten?

[SLBG]

I dont think that you can make sure he contacts you.

 

If you want to speak to him, I would contact him.

 

Its a bit of a gamble, if you contact him he may be missing you and want to talk.

 

On the other hand he might not be ready to talk.

 

Take control of the situation, if contacting him makes you happy then follow your heart.

 

Good luck

[myJoy]

the power of need & desire can really overwhelm you. it may cause you to act against your own interest. since you already acknowledged that what you had done is wrong, you need to start to learn how to cope w/ your emotions. since you are still unable to hold your emotions at bay at this point, any contact you make w/ your ex right can only cause more damage.

 

i suggest that you avoid seeing him at all until you can control your responses to your emotions. every negative encounter you have w/ him now will only drive him further away. because you are giving into the sway of your emotional needs, you never allowed yourself to demonstrate love & self-respect. your goal is to get him to come back to you. hold this goal in mind. think the moment through, past the emotional release of declaring need, to the long-term goal in mind. never cry in front of your ex. if you have to cry, wait til you are by yourself. you can cry in the shower, your bed, etc.

 

you may feel that your personal anguish may disappear if your ex knew the full intensity of your need. you might make him feel sorry for you. but what goal will that serve? he may come respond warmly to you - out of pity or guilt - not love.

 

lastly, forget about the other girl. the other girl is relatively insignificant in your efforts to win him back. they may not seem that way now, & you may feel that you might lose him to her. be sensitive to your ex needs rather than worrying about the other girl. by doing so you will be able to make effective use of any time, no matter how limited, you & your ex have together. it is very difficult to have a pleasant time together if you are sick w/ jealousy.

 

dismiss negative images of jealousy from your mind. when you think of your ex, think of happy shared moments w/ him. do not allow her to enter the picture. it will help make you stronger.

[GeeCee]

Lunchbox - thanks for your PM. Have read through your thread. This is difficult - actually I have not read an easy thread - so you are not alone!!!

 

If you are asking me what I would do, it is probably contrary to everyone elses advice. If you had a little more time, I would recommend the NC rule in order for you to heal yourself and arm yourself with new tools. However, time is against you. And that is a problem. He is going away in less than a month. Hmmm ... If he initiates contact within the next week, I would ensure that it is light and friendly. Ask after him. And make sure that he knows how fabulous you are - lots of subliminal messages. Make him wonder about what he is giving up. He might not think it at the time, but you want him to put the phone down and feel nice and warm because the conversation is good, lots of laughter. You also want him to think ... hmmmm...

 

Banish thoughts of the other woman. She is not your concern. Negative thoughts of her will wear you down and be evident in your actions. She has nothing to do with you.

 

Now if he has not made contact with you within the next week, I personally would initiate some form of contact BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS AT BAY. No making contact and then breaking down on the phone. I would also, depending on the tone of the conversation, decide whether to offer an invitation to coffee/drinks. Something little.

 

This hurts like a bugger, Lunchbox, and you have the added worry that your ex is going away.

 

I wish you loads of luck. PM me again if you want to.

 

G xx

[Beec]

GeeCee has a lot of good stuff in her post.

 

Your being at your best will undermine anyone else he sees more than anything else you can do.

 

I would examine what was it that made him want to break off with you. Don't ask him. Just see if you can figure it out. Ask yourself what you did that put your needs or wants before his.

 

No mention of wanting him back is allowed. Just act like you want to be friends for now.

[lunchbox]

I was thinking about giving him this letter when I see him next (I have no clue when that will be... but I don't have much time at all!)

 

What I hope to give you

• Value you as a man of needs, wants, hurts and dreams.

• Willingness to listen to your thoughts and your opinions & really take to heart what you have to say.

• To help you grow in your desire to learn more whether academically or otherwise. This includes going away to other schools in the future. You didn't get that 1400 on your SATs (hehe) so you could stay at [his university]!

• Encouragement & appreciation for your love of music, artists, and all things scientific!

• Respect for your independence & your time and your sleep.

• Fun times together! And lots of laughs.

• A genuine interest in what you do with your time, who you are, and how you feel.

• Meaningful conversations about things that matter to both you and me.

• Respect for my family, but to also know when to really be there for you.

• Appreciation for all the times we've shared together.

• Love like there will be no tomorrow.

 

What I hope for in return

• Value as a woman of needs, wants hurts and dreams.

• Willingness to listen to my thoughts & opinions and really take to heart what I have to say.

• To help me grow in my desire to be a great teacher, to help kids learn & develop and to be a mentor. To help me feel confident that am good at my job.

• Encouragement for my love of reading, exercise, music, God, kids, & sleeping!

• Respect for my independence & my time.

• Fun times together! And lots of laughs.

• A genuine interest in what I do with my time, who I am, and how I feel.

• Meaningful conversations about things that matter to both you and me.

• Respect for your family, but to also know when to really be there for me.

• Appreciation for all the times we've shared together.

• Love like there will be no tomorrow.

 

What should I add or take out? Is this too... I don't know what? I'm feeling that by email is not a good thing.

[GeeCee]

Lunchbox

 

I did not read your letter. I am not going to be cruel or harsh but I had no need to read your letter.

 

Do not send the letter. At best he will spend some time with you to assuage your guilt - but he will not have made a decision based on how he feels. At worst, it could give him all the reason he needs to go.

 

Of course, you will make your own decisions, but I would not send the letter.

 

G xx

[Beec]

lunchbox, I would not send or give him the letter. I would try to do for him some of what you outline. Just do it, and act like you seek nothing in return. That more than anything, right now, will keep him coming back to you. You want him to love and depend on getting this from you, them you threaten it being continued, that you are out looking or talking or dating some other guy, who might get it instead. I think this is much easier to do when he comes back, not that I would wait to get out there.

[lunchbox]

k I had written that letter last night and this morning, trying to regroup my feelings. I know that I cannot change anything I have done in the past, but only the ability to act smarter in the future.

 

I took your advice and didn't send the letter. I went to the gym feeling utterly DREADFUL (I cried in the bathroom)... but I forced myself to stay. By the end I felt a little bit better.

 

I helped out at a fundraiser tonight, and man I felt good. (Haha.. my back was killing me, but I had a smile on my face). Before I left, I called his place. I'm glad the number will show up as one he doesn't recognize on his message machine. You would be so proud. I think I am strong enough to see him and pretend (key word) that I am absolutely fine. I said something like:

 

Hey It's me. I won't be home this evening, but let me know if we're still on for tomorrow night. Let me know. Hope things are good with you. Bye.

 

(Plans were to get together for a bite to eat and a contemportary church service)

 

Crossing my fingers for a favourable reply. I haven't seen him since the end of february. wow. I didn't realize it had been that long!

 

This place is so good to express how I'm feeling. Even if I'm just rambling, it is way better to be doing it here than anywhere else. It is so nice to know complete strangers care enough to write me. So good... Thank you thank you.

 

lunchbox