Fiancée moved out, needs a break

[MikeThis]

Hello everyone!

 

New to the forum, I apologize in advance for the long winded nature of my post and if this isn't exactly the correct forum - there are so many to choose from....

 

Background:

 

I am a 28 year old male and my fiancée is 31. We met in the spring of 2004 while she was in the military and dated for about two years until the end of her service. She was stationed somewhat locally (about an hour and a half away) so we only saw each other on the weekends until she got out of the Army. During her final months of service, we stayed at my Father's until we found a suitable apartment - and then moved in together.

 

We lived in that apartment for about a year and a half until I proposed to her in 2007. During the planning stages of our wedding, my Father offered to help me out by allowing me to completely GUT the basement (I am in construction) and do whatever I saw fit with it in order to save for our wedding. Naturally, I asked her if this was ok with her and she said absolutely. It took me about six months, we moved in.

 

Some extra background, I work days and she works nights for the local cable company. She also goes to school full time during the day - all the while has a pretty serious sleeping condition (Narcolepsy) which for the most part, is controlled through medication (Provigil). Moving on....

 

Our relationship has been absolutely amazing up until the time her Mother passed away in November of 2008. She had zero relationship and next to no contact with her due to certain circumstances. She has a younger sister and her father is really her step father. She has a good relationship with them both, as do I. I also lost my Mom, although she passed away in 2003.....

 

In mid-January, she broke down and told me she felt we should wait to get married. Granted, my reaction wasn't the greatest because she sprung it on me out of the clear blue while sitting on the couch together. During the last six months, she had constantly kept herself busy, become distant, the sex was getting less and less - almost forced, the pet names stopped and she really just kind of stopped trying. I had been expressing my concern over certain issues and told her sometimes I felt I was competing with her work and school for attention. I would never get in the way of anything or keep her from doing what she felt she needed to do. I am very outgoing and compassionate and tried to work through everything with her. Whenever we would talk, she would put on a look, not get emotional but be upset - say "I am sorry, you're right" and then not do much about it. She still paid attention to me, bought me random stuff, did the usual going out and whatnot. My family and friends recognized that I was the only one making an effort.

 

I had really been focusing on sex as of late because it was becoming more and more of an issue for me, for the first time I was getting rather annoyed and vocal about it and bringing up the time spent together issue in tandem. I felt like I had a roommate at that point and not really a lover. It just felt like intimacy was the last thing she wanted and it drove me nuts.

 

At this point, pretty much everyone here is saying "Well, there are your warning signs.". Trust me, I saw what was coming next like the big bright lights of a Mac truck.

 

On Wednesday June 10th, just ten days shy of our fifth anniversary, she came home and told me she felt like she had to move out because she was dragging me all over the place while she tried to figure out stuff in her head. She felt like she's changed, she trying to find where she fits in and isn't sure she feels the same. Naturally, I am devastated as much as I feel like she is still the right one. She assures me that there is nobody else, I believe her - I have never had a reason not to.

 

I have never felt the way I do about anyone else and would lay my life down for her should the need (god forbid) ever arise. She claims that there is nothing I did, I am awesome, perfect and deserve someone who can reciprocate what I am capable of giving in a relationship.

 

My problem lies in that as much as I am open and communicate my desires, fears, problems and needs - she is introverted and internalizes pretty much everything. There are very few times where she tells me when she is annoyed or that there is something on her mind. She admits that she has been extremely selfish as of late and that this current situation is even more selfish as before.

 

I feel lost. I feel I that I lost the best thing that has ever happenened to me on a technicality. I feel that we have skipped steps because she has copped out and not really worked on whatever is bothering her with me.

 

It's the most horrible feeling, knowing that I can potentially lose the one that I love because she is incapable of expressing whatever it is that is bothering her. Her sister and I speak regularly - that is who got an apartment with her btw. She tells me that for the most part the only thing they discuss is her (the sister's) issues and not anything going on in my fiancée's life. Her sister told me that no matter what she is on my site because she doesn't understand her sister, and wishes she would just see a therapist or specialist for whatever is bothering her. I had suggested couples counseling and she said it was something we can discuss but we never visted it again.

 

I don't really know the point of my thread.

 

I am committed to working through this. I have struggled through a week of forced limited communication. I have called her two times in a week, I have texted her a few times but really only text or speak on the phone when she initiates contact. I know she is thinking of me, I know she cares, I can tell (I think anyway) that she loves me when I get hugs and look into her eyes. She has yet to tell her father (whom thinks of me his only son) and she has only picked up about 70% if her stuff from our current residence.

 

I really do not know what to do, how to feel or the next step to take. When we talk, I do not really get any answers save for "I dont know", "I know", and "I am sorry". I know so little that it makes me feel really frustrated with the entire situation.

 

As I said earlier, I don't know what I expect to hear from you all - I have been pretty spot on with my correspondence and psychological status the past week - it's just really, really hard.

 

I want to give her time, but I really feel that prior life issues are getting in the way. She claims she cannot reciprocate - reciprocate comes up a lot. Does she not know how to reciprocate feelings in a manner in which I am capable of giving? Are the feelings that I am capable of giving strange for her because she's never felt this way about me?

 

Does she just not feel the same way or are there really things getting in the way?

 

I am totally lost on what to do. I try not to get caught up in false positives and she tries not to give me them as well.

 

All I know is that I am completely miserable right now. I try to keep my mind off her but everything that I and we enjoy - we enjoy together. It's hard not to think of her in some way - unless I was in a plain colored room without any lights or windows. Then again, I would likely still think of her.

 

I have left a TON out for the sake of shortening this post, but still - I am lost and I have no idea what to do other than to take day by day.

 

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

[loulee]

perhaps approaching her very optimistically and tell her you have organised counselling for both of you that despite the outcome you can clearly she is depressed and want to support her in seeking answers. Take some initiative here..take the lead she sounds very confused and lost and by the sound of this post I would think she is likely to become further depressed..it is possibly guilt for being unfair to you because she cannot rise above these feelings that has initiated her decision to move out plus the pressure whether verbal or not of physically and emotionally participating in this relationship when she does not feel able to do this..so she is running away in effect...i would also quiry are there any outside factors..perhaps someone else that she may be influenced by...?? its worth consideration also...good luck..usually people that internalise thier feelings will also carry much hurt inside of them, this is very unhealthy and she is under pressure also considering her work and studies and relationship..delayed grief perhaps? her mother, burn out??..i truly believe counselling is her best option...

[Applewhite]

I read the whole post, but just to make sure, she has NOT told you or hinted at anything about why she left right? Is the engagement still on? I am trying to understand this.

[Circe]

I think this forum is great for working on your own issues but its impossible for any of us to have a grip on what an OP's partner is really thinking/feeling/going through.

 

I think you have to try to get her to open up and explain WHY she feels differently now. I'd recommend counselling.

[MikeThis]

Going back a few months I had suggested counseling, she said it was something we could discuss but it never really came up again. I am cognizant of how MOST internalization can cause more harm - but everyone has to internalize most of our issues before we come to the point where we can be vocal and begin to work on them. I agree, it is unhealthy and she is likely under immense pressure. Our conversations since last week have been really good - we have talked on the phone for periods of more than an hour to two hours. We have barely seen each other because this situation is still new and fresh. She doesn't want to make either one of us go on an emotional roller coaster. Regarding outside factors, her best friend who lives out of state has a very bad track record with relationships - I brought this up and said sometimes I worry she might give you bad advice. Regarding the status of our relationship, I would venture to say that it is on "hold" or "in limbo"

 

 

 

The only thing she has said was that she needed time to figure stuff out. She said she really has no answers for me and to date, cannot really provide me with anything. Her sister is just as confused as I am and told me she knows I am like grasping at straws looking for an answer. As I said, she has not really done anything other than sit in her apartment alone and just fiddle around with stuff she would normally do here (crafts and the computer).

 

 

 

Look, I came here to vent to some random people and look for perspectives outside my world of friends and family. I know it's almost impossible to gauge a bunch - especially since I obviously couldn't include every detail here.

 

I have been trying to get her to open up for months, I am aware that there are underlying issues here and really do understand that it's not me - that's what makes this so frustrating. The only thing I can do is sit back, wait and pray that she realizes she desires me and wants to continue our relationship. My best friend went through something strikingly similar, save for he was the one who couldn't open up. They separated twice and eventually got back together. They are now married for almost three years and have a beautiful baby girl.

 

I do believe that counseling will help her realize that a lot of what she may be feeling is normal. It may also give her the courage to face whatever else is going on inside and deal with it properly. To me, she has run from her problems her entire life and this is no different. I even mentioned how I understand that things can be surfacing from many years ago and I want nothing more then to help her through it. It just isn't fair for me not to have that opportunity after all this time.

 

I just feel stuck right now. I am depressed, lost and aching. I do not understand anything and only try to get on with my life day by day.

[summerpeach]

Hi, so sorry about your pain.

She sort of left you out in the cold to try to find answers, but this seems to me, like a really simple thing.

She was overwhelmed and is questioning what she wants out of life and needed to be away to figure it out.

 

You know what you want, she doesn't.............yet!

 

I am ALL FOR couples therapy, but in this case, it would be totally uncool to make the appointment and ask her to go. It's like telling her "your decision to need time away is not valid, what you really need is help"

 

I would just give her time. I would also not contact her. Absence make the heart grow fonder

[MikeThis]

Hi, so sorry about your pain.

She sort of left you out in the cold to try to find answers, but this seems to me, like a really simple thing.

She was overwhelmed and is questioning what she wants out of life and needed to be away to figure it out.

 

You know what you want, she doesn't.............yet!

 

I am ALL FOR couples therapy, but in this case, it would be totally uncool to make the appointment and ask her to go. It's like telling her "your decision to need time away is not valid, what you really need is help"

 

I would just give her time. I would also not contact her. Absence make the heart grow fonder

 

I completely agree, I wouldn't ever do something like that.

 

At this point, I told her because I have laid everything I have wanted to say and get off my chest on the table - I cannot say anything else without being repetitive. I feel like the ball is now in her court and I am just going to sit back and let whatever happen, happen.

 

It still doesn't feel natural or right. The only thing that has ever come natural to me is my love for her and my desire to be with her and make her happy. I just want to give her everything she never had in life, maybe never even realized she needed and treat her like a princess (which I have).

[summerpeach]

It still doesn't feel natural or right. The only thing that has ever come natural to me is my love for her and my desire to be with her and make her happy. I just want to give her everything she never had in life, maybe never even realized she needed and treat her like a princess (which I have).

 

this is a total assumption, but just maybe she feels the need to learn to take care of herself.

Whatever her reasons for leaving, it doesn't seem it's because there is a lack of love on her part.

Breaks, more often than not, build a relationship, stronger and more loving than before the break.

 

Try to make this a positive experience, even with the pain

[MikeThis]

this is a total assumption, but just maybe she feels the need to learn to take care of herself.

Whatever her reasons for leaving, it doesn't seem it's because there is a lack of love on her part.

Breaks, more often than not, build a relationship, stronger and more loving than before the break.

 

Try to make this a positive experience, even with the pain

 

I keep telling myself that this could potentially solidify our relationship. However, at the same time I am experiencing anxiety that we may never wind up getting back together and that's just horrible. I get it, it's life - I will move on and look back at this experience and know I have grown from it - but I just want to fast forward.

[MikeThis]

I just realized I left out a key piece of information.

 

She was married for a year when she was 18 years old. It was a relationship that was really only because of the military, young, silly and to be stationed with one another.

 

I don't talk about it, ask about it and don't really view it as an issue at all. However I am starting to wonder if maybe her past experience is creeping in as well.

 

I have no idea why I forgot to post this in the original entry.... ](*,)

[greeneyes050]

I can completely understand your confusion. I have been thru a situation that made me feel very much confused, not exactly like your but just as confused.

 

My advice... time. decide how much of it you can handle, emotionally.

 

Your fianc'e needs to decide if she is willing to get help so that she can help your relaitonship, she may figure out that she wants to be with, or that she does not, or maybe is incapable of being in a relationship right now.

 

For you it's going to HURT, and it could be a long battle. Some questions I have gone thru that helped me cope, with my relationship. Do you really feel as though she cares for you in the same way you care for her? If she doesn't are you willing to live out the rest of your life that way.

 

You have been with her 5 years right? What is another, week, month, year, really gonig to change if it forces her to get help so that she can be with you again; or sadly for you, if it helps her realize that she does not. Either way you will both be better off, no matter how hard it may seem, and how very much I know it will hurt

[MikeThis]

I dunno all my friends and family think im nuts for putting up with what I am. I don't enjoy the pain and suffering, I just think that the entire situation has been handled poorly.

 

Last night we spoke via text (which was supposed to be a two minute conversation about something unrelated) and I asked her to call, she said she couldn't because she was at work.

 

Then she made a comment about something I wrote on Facebook and how it "made it look like you were looking for pity".

 

We then proceeded to exchange about 40 messages.

 

 

 

I told her I wish she would've just cheated on me, because then I wouldn't be going through what I am. I've lost seven pounds, have been torn up emotionally and very depressed - I still would've been hurt but at least I would be able to move on.

 

She said she would never do that to me or hurt me in that way.

 

I replied with "Well how is completely shutting me down and out, and then running away any better?"

 

I told her it made me feel like the last five years were worthless to her and that she really DOESN'T care to work on everything (Which hey, may just very well be the case). I told her we should at least attempt couples counseling because the worst thing that happens from it is either we figure out stuff about each other or learn we will indeed go our separate ways.

 

Again, there was so many different things I said that were in my head, but she barely answered with anything other then her own questions.

 

I can't force her to go, but I feel like if she cannot explain what her feelings are it's the next best thing.

 

I am definitely willing to do whatever it takes for her, she means that much to me. Just like if she would have a drug or alcohol problem, I wouldn't run out on her, I would do whatever I could to make sure she gets help.

 

I just don't understand why she shut down and ran away - there wasn't anything that was THAT bad on either side to just call it quits like that. It's not fair and it's not even mature.

[greeneyes050]

Counceling may help, we went, per my request, we still broke up eventually.

 

I know how you feel about being willing to do anything for her, really, I did do anything I could. I will tell you that I have to say in the end when I look back I realize that I needed more. And my fiance had a mental conditon, I WAS willing to deal with that forever, but he wasn't willing to give me what I needed. In the end it was him that told me it was over, but just because I kept fighting.

 

No one can tell you what you should do, but you want to be happy, don't you? and not feel bad enough to post anythnig bad on facebook thatwoulsd even imply you being sad, and especially not have her call you out on it. Are you normally a happy person. If you are then try to think about how her behavior is effecting "YOU" as a person.

[MikeThis]

For the most part I am happy, I have been stressed about my job but it's not like I am leaving. I work for family and have the opportunity to take over and be financially secure for a long while - but I want to explore what I have always wanted to do and become a Police Officer. However, obviously civil service takes years of waiting after tests - so I am resigned to the fact that it likely wont happen - which is fine.

 

I am unhappy that we got to spend so little time together. Like I mentioned she works full time from 4:30pm to about 1:00am and tends to get stuck late as she is a Supervisor. She also goes to school full time during the day. She only had two days off a week - Wednesday and Sundays. During the school year she had class on Wednesday night, so I would barely see her. I got to see her up till about 3pm Saturdays.

 

I dealt with the schedule because she was doing what she liked and I knew one day we would eventually get our time to hang out. We made the most of our time together too, but some days (understandable) she would be burnt out. We would just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie or get take out.

 

I was also a tad unhappy with our intimate relationship as I mentioned previously.

 

She feels like she just cannot give me what I am looking for - which isn't even a lot. Maybe I make her feel too bad about it? I know she has said that she's always tired and now she felt like she was just dragging me along as she tried to figure out what was wrong with herself.

 

The Facebook thing wasn't even bad, I just mentioned how I was tired of acting strong and that I was ok. I was venting, like I do here, like I do in real life. It's like she just doesn't want anyone to know that she is causing me this grief. She said the same thing when I posted a sweet message on her profile, our love was nobody's business. I compared it to screaming my love for her from the rooftops, I don't care who knows or thinks it's stupid.

 

All I know is that it will either work or it won't. You have to at least try to get to that point and I feel that there really hasn't been much trying on her end - obviously.

 

I know it's not my fault, yet I feel like I should have addressed issues like this a while back before they snowballed into something much, much larger.

 

I dunno, if deserve whatever and whoever I want out of life - as she claims, why cant it be her? Why can't she just talk to me, tell me her fears and concerns. Why did she have to just pack up all her stuff and leave? Running away isn't a solution, especially if you claim you care about the other party.

 

She's calling me around 8 tonight, so who knows. I've been trying to take it day by day, but its rough.

[greeneyes050]

Some people don't know how to talk to others about, or deal with, their fears and internal emotions. So even though me and my ex are broken up now, I contiuned ot see our therapist, I am doing this becuase he is tryingo t help me understand that even though my faince claims he loved me, why he could not and would probably never get over his issues unless he really wanted to do so FOR HIMSELF. I still don't get it, but hopefully in time.

Our physical relationship was not much different, he however said that it was because he was no longer attracted to me, because he was not happy with himself. (Side note here in our 2 year realationship, I did not change at all, i.e. weight, hair, clotihng etc, all the same) It stunk emotionally for me, it was like I could not understand why he idn't want to do things to make me happy anyomore. There's always time, and someone is never too tired. If she is dealing with emotionla issues as he was, then that effects her drive, but she really needs to be honest with you, and you need to be honest with yourself.

[MikeThis]

She tells me all the time we differ that way, I talk about my issues and she internalizes. What she doesn't know is that everyone internalizes stuff until they need to speak about it - before it becomes a bigger problem.

 

Yes, there are several other factors in play here regarding emotions, stress, being tired, busy - I get it can affect libido and was understanding for the most part. It's when it starts going from once every week to once a month, then barely once a month where it becomes a problem. So yes, could I have been more understanding? Yes, but at least try to maintain a healthy relationship in that aspect. Especially with the limited time you are able to spend together.

 

She claims that she feels like her feelings have changed, but how do you really know if your feelings have changed with everything else going on? You go into survival mode, which clearly she has. Fight or flight....

 

I told her I don't love her the same way I did when we first met - I am not infatuated with her and don't get butterflies. But at the same time, I don't love anyone else the same way I do her - I still light up when she walks into the room because I know she is mine and is even more beautiful then she was five years ago. Maybe she is misinterpreting her feelings? I don't know - it's been two weeks and I am no closer to an answer now then I was then.

 

I know that I miss her, I am confused and that I really do love her and want to grow old together. It hurts even more that she chose to run away from her issues then deal with them together - like a couple should.

[summerpeach]

It hurts even more that she chose to run away from her issues then deal with them together - like a couple should.

 

The way I see it; she is dealing with her issues and not running away. By leaving to figure out what she needs instead of staying in a relationship that was not working, is dealing with it.

 

Working and going to school full time is A LOT for anyone to deal with. To try to have a "normal" relationship and sex life when you're overwhelmed is near impossible.

 

May I also suggest you stop "chasing" her to work on this. Leave her alone for a while. Stop all the txting and posting things on FB to get her attention.

Once you go NC and don't make a "peep", she may come around.

[JDillashaw28]

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. My husband is actually doing the same thing to me right now. He left said he needed "to think" about things "find himself" whatever. We have almost zero to no contact for two weeks now. He is also staying at his sisters house doing the same things working, etc. Everyone says i need to consider his feelings he needs space and Im thinking what about me? I just sit around and wait. Im going insane?! Well anyways like someone said we can't really do anything but "vent" but sometimes its nice to have someone to vent to. So my e-mail address is email removed if you need someone to talk to. Hope everything works out for you.

[MikeThis]

Well I found my answer.

 

Apparently she had/has an extracurricular relationship with a guy from work. I guess they were just friends but it turned into something more. I obviously didn't hear this from her, but I have SOLID proof.

 

I am not even upset (at least not yet), at least I have my closure and can move on.

 

Thank god im going away tomorrow.