Do I need to choose between XBF and current BF? Or neither??

[ameliamolly]

Hi...I wrote yesterday about how I slept with my x-bf and I have a boyfriend. I need to add some things to the information I gave so maybe I can get some more advice from you guys. BTW, thanks to those of you that responded. For more info the post was link removed .

 

For age reference I am 34, my current bf is 30 and my x is 42. My current bf is a good guy, however things just don't seem to be clicking. He seems to have a hard time with deeper discussions, and we barely spend time together unless it is going out for dinner or drinks. I have often suggested doing other things together but he seems disinterested and busy with his hobbies.

 

Even before I saw the x-bf on Sunday, I was already thinking about how to proceed with the relationship with my current bf. I never intended to actually be contemplating getting back together with the x-bf and I am still unsure if it's even a good idea. But regardless of the x-bf I need to make a change in the current relationship that I am in because it feels like something is missing.

 

I ask myself if I didn't give myself enough time between the x and the new guy. I was only apart from my x for 2-3 months when things began getting more serious with my new bf.

 

The x-bf and I have rarely talked in the last 9 months. Maybe 1-2 x per month, that's it. The conversations were not very good because he was hounding me constantly about getting back together. I had not even considered getting back together with him an option. The thing is that in the last month I have seen him out socially with his friends, and I was with my current bf. Unexpectedly it brought back some old feelings, he looked really-really good. I really thought I was over him.

 

I saw the x again last night, I told him no sex, that we need to start this off as friends. We talked over dinner. I put a lot of my feelings out on the line about my life, things that have happened to me. I explained about how I had gotten pregnant and had to terminate the pregnancy while with the new bf. I have recently gone on antidepressants to help me get through the after feelings. I also had a termination with the x-bf years ago. Last night I was crying-it was a mess.

 

In my mind I started to compare each of them (which is probably wrong to do) but I was thinking back to how the new bf almost didn't see me on x-mas because he had a "friend" that was going to be in from out of town and almost completely blew me off for the holiday. You can see the post "BF said he may not see me on x-mas". I thought about how when I told the x I was pregant years ago-he wanted me to keep it, and was really upset about the situation. I thought about how when I told the current bf I was pregnant he said "what do you want to do about it".

 

There are so many different qualities in each of them. Basically though, I don't feel as close to the new bf as I think I should after 7 months. We have only ever disagreed on something 2x and we have never had a fight. Is that normal? Maybe it's normal because we barely share any day to day things together and our lives have barely overlapped-so how could there be conflict. Our phone conversations are on a 1x daily basis, and only last about 2-3 minutes. Not because either of us are too busy to talk, but more because we don't really have much to talk about.

 

The x and I fought a lot. Is it true that fighting is a sign of growth in a relationship?After talking with the x last night, he wants me to break things off with the new guy to see how things will pan out between he and I. He said "even if you don't get back together with me-I still think this guy is not the right guy for you".

 

My concern about all of this is that maybe the current bf and I have taken things slowly, but is that a bad thing? Would giving it more time bring us closer eventually? I don't know. I am afraid to even think about giving the x another chance because he has always had anger issues. He has gone to counseling for it, but I am not sure if he has really changed it. And I am not sure how I could find out.

 

I am seeing my current bf tonight, and I am not sure where to begin telling him how I am feeling about things. I have expressed to him previously that I was worried about the fact that we aren't that close. But I am trying to decide now what to tell him and how to tell him. Do I bring up the x? Or do I simply tell him that I want to take some time to see how I feel about things with him? Telling him about the x seems like it would only inflict pain on him, so I wonder if it's a good idea and necessary since I had already been questioning things with the current bf.

 

The other aspect of all of this is that the current bf and I have a bunch of mutual friends, so it is going to be difficult if things do break off. But I am close to one of his friends and I knew this guy before I met my bf. All along this guy has been telling me that he doesn't think we are a good match...I am sooo confused.

[Evil_Bunny]

OK, first thing I think your ex is right about the bf you are with now, he is not the right guy for you. But you didn't leave long enough time after your ex. I was told a few years ago that it takes about half the time you were with them to get over them. Not the same for everone, buy with my last two girlfriends it was ture. One of which was a 2 year relationship. Another thing, is that your ex sounds like he has got his head screwed on. Cleaned up his act after you left, really made the effort and all. People can change, (your ex being one maybe) and you can't make people love someone they don't have the right feelings for. (This in my view is your newest bf).

This is just my view to what you are saying your self. You know what you want to do. It's just not very easy to do.

[lelucats]

Hi AmeliaMolly!

WOW, your emotions have really been thru the wringer, haven't they? I'm feelin' for ya, girl!

I think you need to look at THREE relationships separately.

1. Current boyfriend bores you to death...what's there to reconsider and give more effort to? Move on...now.

2. Your Ex~~A strong attachment emotionally and the time invested. No relationship is a waste of time, each one offers us the opportunity to grow, experience life in the present more fully, and learn about ourselves. Relationships, looked at objectively, act as a kind of mirror to who we are. They are an "arena" in which to get to know ourselves better...our likes and dislikes, our strengths and weaknesses, what kind of lover and communicator we are. As our inner selves develop we need to evaluate whether or not we're becoming the person we want to be. And, are we with someone that is still a complement to our own best interests. I'm wondering why you and the ex broke up? If you were to get back together, would you be "wowed" by him? Consider your motives if you were to re-unite. I wonder if the consideration of getting back together is more honestly a desire to return to the comfort of a "known" arena???

3. The 3rd relationship is the one with yourself. You've experienced MAJOR emotional (physical?) stresses (to put it lightly) with regard to the two pregnancies. So many thoughts and feelings swirling around and the need for healing, I'm guessing, is strong. You may wish to visit forums with other women who've terminated their pregnancies for some comfort and perspective. I've heard that the impact lasts a lifetime for some women. Please don't deny any hurt/traumatized feelings you may have.

 

I think it's you're at a good point in your life to maybe step back from any boyfriend relationships and just be with yourself for a while. You sound like a caring and giving person who will have much to offer in a future relationship. I'm suggesting that you give those qualities to yourself for a while~~become your own best friend, in essense. Learn to have fun again. Make some decisions about what you want for yourself 6 months from now, 1 year from now, 5 years... Dream...awaken your imagination...open your eyes, heart, mind to what's possible. Life is bigger than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship...seek life's bigger picture. See all the choices??? How exciting!

 

Lelu

[ameliamolly]

Lelu-thanks so much for your insight, and everything you said makes so much sense, I can't express how it touched me and really got me thinking about every aspect of my life, in a good way.

 

I hadn't considered the fact that I have been through an emotional "wringer". I think I am used to being the person that is always strong and tries to pick myself up and keep going on with my life without taking the time to look at things and letting myself feel the emotions that I need to for the healing process. This just became apparent to me recently.

 

Yesterday I made a decision that even though I am going to break things off with the current bf, I am not going to pursue anything with the x. At least not right away. I think I need time - time with myself. Time to see how I feel about everything in my life. Time to figure out what it is that I need, and not worry so much what everyone else needs from me. I have given so much of myself to everyone else over the years, and haven't considered myself as needing anything. The time has come for me to spend time alone or with friends- do a little soul searching. This is very important to me now.

 

I told the x-bf yesterday that even though I am breaking up with my bf, that it doesn't mean that he and I will get back together. I told him we can talk and possible see each other occasionally, but only as friends and no sex. He seemed ok with that, but was putting some pressure for me to tell him if I would be seeing other people or not. I said it hadn't occurred to me to consider that, and I have no idea what I'll do, but more importantly I just need to get to know myself again. So I left it at that. He agreed that we can be friends and he seems to really want to be there for me especially with the recent terminantion because he knows how deeply affected I was when it happened before. He left a card at my door this morning that read "I am sorry for what you had to go through. I just want you to know that I'll be there for you as a friend or whatever you want or need me to be!"

 

To answer your question, the x and I broke up because he had anger-insecurity issues-it was a very tumultuous relationship. He has since gone to counseling for it. I have no way of knowing for sure if the counseling helped, and I am afraid to find out. I am afraid to let myself be vulnerable to him again. But that isn't an option right now.

 

I did ask myself why going back with him now presented itself as an option. I am not totally sure, however I do know that I never really stopped loving him. Sure, I tried to tell myself that I was over him and moving on, but I don't think I was ever really over him. I think I just kept the feeling tucked away somewhere because I was sooo hurt that things didn't work out with us-I thought we were soulmates. Let me clarify though, that even though I do still love him, I am not ready to jump back into a relationship with him. It can go one of three ways: In the process of doing my soul searching I'll heal and finally move on from him or I'll realize that he has worked out his own issues and I'll be receptive to giving him another chance or maybe I'll meet someone new down the road. Who knows for sure what will happen. But I do know one thing, I am in no rush to do anything or make any decisions, I need lots of time for me.

 

Tonight I will be seeing my bf and do the horrible break up that I am dreading. uggh. Even though I have expressed some things to him previously I don't think he will be expecting this. Unfortunately I can't stay in it just to protect his feelings. I need to come first-for once.

 

Thanks to all for your input and advice. I will fill you in on everything tomorrow.