A turtle's confessions

[Chiaroscuro]

Communicative failure

 

Ok, here's a little sad story I thought I'd share with you.

 

I don't know excactly what I hope to benefit from posting it though. Maybe I just need to get it out, particularly since the woman involved here doesn't want to talk to me at all. Maybe I hope to hear what some other people might think of it all. I think it's got most to do with "healing after a break up" for me now, but the story itself is more an obvious recepie for how to get a break-up with a woman. It's a little long, so take a deep breath if you want to try to read it all.

 

I met this woman over the internet, we had an affair (she was in a very troubled relationship), she dumped me, and I can't get her out of my mind, despite that she has left me for good and gone "NC" as they call it. There were several reasons why she eventually dumped me, but I thought I'd start out by describing one of them, and that's about serious communicative failure.

 

At first we were only long-distance webfriends, cause she was in a relationship, and lived pretty much on the other side of the world. Then after a few months she revealed that her relationship wasn't working out, and that it hadn't for a long time, and she told me she wanted out of it, and that it was more a matter of time than if it would happen.

 

Our friendship developed beyond the platonic interest, and despite the geographical distance between us it ended with us meeting up, spending a week together. She was very open about her feelings towards me, and told me she was in love with me. I was very interested in her too, but couldn't say I was in love with her at that time. Still, things were looking good for "us", and when she left me that first time I felt that this could really be exciting.

 

After our first week long meeting her partner found out about our affair, and she and him started to talk. It turned out he still loved her, took full responsibility for all the things that didn't work out in their relationship, and was willing to sort out all those issues. At first she was reluctant, but they still lived together, and ended up spending weeks talking things over.

 

Still, she wanted to meet up with me again. I wanted to see her too, but knowing how things were mending up between her and her partner I felt a bit more tensed about the situation then what I had the first time we met.

 

She came to visit me a second time, this time scheduled for over a month, but after only a couple of days she told me that she could feel that I didn't love her as much as other men in her life had, even men she hadn't dated. She told me she'd probably end up going back to her partner when she'd leave, and that it was best for me to know right away.

 

The worst thing is, at the time I felt she might have been right, and I even admitted that. Now though, I feel that it was very unfair of her to judge me after so short time, and especially since I had only had 8 days with her in person in total up to that point, had no relationship experience behind me from before, and felt very pressured by the fact that she was maybe going back to her partner. I had feelings for her, but I felt she told me that day that they weren't good enough for her. What could I say or do then?

 

She wanted to leave instantly, but I actually wanted her to stay, since I liked her so much, and I had thought we'd spend all those weeks getting to know eachother better first, and then talk about the future later, towards the end of her stay. She did stay, but I found it so difficul opening up towards her about my feelings and thoughts on her and the whole situation, cause I was nervous she'd leave once again. In the end she left me without us ever having gone through any too serious discussions about "us", much because of my reluctance to talk. She on the other hand, wanted to talk all the time.

 

A month or so after she left me she ditched me over the phone. I wasn't too surprised, but it became evident that she thought I wasn't interested in any long term serious relationship with her, basically because I hadn't talked properly to her.

 

Now, I see that communication is important. I know one needs to talk about things, especially if one is in or considers a relationship together with someone. I'm not completely daft in this respect. But back then I felt that I was going through so many different things, and that I needed time to get through it before speaking out. Somehow I just wanted to experience her in person during her visit, and then let things crystallize later.

 

I also feel that she set me up in a incredibly difficult situation by saying what she said, but ethically too, since she and her partner were still in-love, and were working things out. Because of their reconnecting love I felt that the premise of me and her's future together were pulled away under my feet, and I didn't know what to say or do. Because of what she told me I felt that I she manipulated me into saying the right things to her...which made it even harder to say anything.

 

Despite all that turmoil back then I felt my feelings for her grow as she stayed around, and I'm not sure if she did mean to manipulate me, or just were naive, or very direct about it. I really did consider a relationship with her. I just couldn't figure out how to express myself with all the drama surrounding the situation, and was too afraid I guess to speak out.

 

When I look back I picure myself as a turtle who pulled back into my shell when things got to confusing, and that's an incredibly pathetic vision. I now think that if I had had more experience with talking about my feelings to women in general, and relationship communication in particular, it could have turned things around. I also think that she would have understood far more than what I then believed.

 

The worst thing is that I feel that she dumped me partly based on wrong assumptions. Of course there were more than just this side of the story, but considering this topic I feel she misread my introversion, and even helped make it worse by some of the things she said and did.

 

Still, I know it's my fault in the end, and I'm the one who ended up loosing everything. I'd like to say it's been a "learning experience", but it doesn't feel to good to learn by such tragic mistakes.

](*,)

[nutbrownhare]

The first, most fundamental mistake you made there was getting involved with someone who was already in a relationship. Everything else is window-dressing, really. Sometimes such relationships can work out, but the odds are stacked against you right from the start.

 

Learn that, if you learn nothing else from this experience!

[catfeeder]

The first, most fundamental mistake you made there was getting involved with someone who was already in a relationship. Everything else is window-dressing, really. Sometimes such relationships can work out, but the odds are stacked against you right from the start.

 

Learn that, if you learn nothing else from this experience!

 

I agree with NBH. You're picking apart the semantics of something that was already doomed. People can take a year or longer to get over a long term relationship, especially a live-in one. Meanwhile, they're not even relationship material. The best communication in the world can't rush that, and it's foolish to position oneself to even try--and inserting oneself into others' still-in-progress relationship, no matter how 'guaranteed' they claim it to be ending, is an over-the-top request for disaster and heartbreak. I hope you'll heal quickly and make good use of the biggest lesson of all to be found in the experience.