this is killing me

[missie]

Hello everybody,

 

I am in a long distance relationship (900 km between us) and I have a huge problem with my jealousy and not trusting my boyfriend.

The problem is that he has a lot of friends, most of them girls, and a lot of them he met by internet, just like me.

For a stupid reason I am very jealous of some of most of those girls. By some way I am afraid he has a special relationship with them too.

Now my boy knows I can struggle with my jealousy, and that is why he doesn't want to tell a lot about his past and about what happened in his life before he met me. And if I asked him if he met one of those girls (I seem to have problems with one in particular), he first said he didn't. But I was sure he did, and because he lied about it, I started assuming that he is hiding something for me. Of course this happened before he met me, so I don't really have to be jealous or angry about it, but he still has contact with that girl... So because he doesn't tell me anything, I decided to investigate... and I saw he has more that 60 messages of her in his mobile. I read some of them, and there are not really special things in it, and all of them are send before he met me, but I just wonder why he keeps this messages. So I asked him, and he didn't really gave an answer, he only said 'well, I have your messages too, what are you complaining about'. So that made me feel like really special (not) Maybe I am thinking too much from my perspective. I only keep messages if they mean something for me... Maybe it is different for him, but I really don't feel good with it.

The problem is that I really can't trust him. Although he deserves my trust, because he didn't flirt with other girls. But on the other hand, who will say, I only see him two weekends a month...

It is like I have two voices in my head. One is saying that I should trust him and that he loves me, and the other one is saying that I should be careful, because my two exboyfriends couldn't be trusted and I don't want to get hurt again.

But I am already hurt. I can't eat because I have all those bad thoughts in my head, I am really struggling with it, and I don't want to loose my boy because of my jealousy. The only problem is that he doesn't seem to understand me.

I talked about it with him and he said 'so if I want to meet one of my female friends, you just give me two options, or I tell you and you will be hurt, or I don't tell you, but then I lie to you' So I suggested that maybe I can come with him to meet his friends and he said that I don't have to know all his friends... So that makes me even more suspicious. What is he hiding for me? He didn't even tell them he has a girlfriend and it really hurts me a lot.

I know he loves me, but I would feel much more secure of myself if I knew those other girls know he is with me. If you love somebody, you talk about that person, no? I just can't understand it. And it is killing me...

Thursday I am going to a counsellor, and I really hope that helps to sort out my negative thoughts and to trust him at least a little bit.

 

Are there people who can give me some advice, or who feel the same?

 

Lien

[Baby_doll]

Hi missie,

 

I just want you to know that I haven't got time to reply to this now, but like you suggested on the other thread, I have added you to my msn, so maybe we can have a chat sometime?

[Sooz]

Hi missie!! Sorry you feel like this, I know how much it hurts when jealousy takes over...I've learned that sometimes guys lie about things their girlfriends are sensitive about to save them the pain (and to save them guys the conflict). They don't understand that lying makes us very suspicious and causes more pain that the plain truth. There's a saying that goes something like this: "If right looks wrong, don't do so", but obviously, guys are simpler than that.

Anyway, keeping a distance relationship it's very hard because basically your relationship is with the phone and/or the computer! and it's so frustrating when there's a problem because it takes three times the effort to work it out. It requires a higher lever of commitment and honesty than a "short distance relationship". I think your boyfriend is wrong at not telling he's involved with someone, but don't jump into conclusions, maybe he has a good explanation. Some guys don't talk much about their personal love life because they value privacy. But he has to give you your place as his girlfriend, again: "If right looks wrong, don't do so".

I agree with your "meet the female friends" approach, it is a possitive approach, because many women would take the "don't see your friends anymore or else.." approach, but instead you chose the mature thing to do. He should do too the mature thing to do and take you along to meet his friends and help you build the trust between both of you. Trust is something you build not something you can take for granted.

I am too dealing with jealousy and it is being difficult because being the "not jealous type" is hard for my husband to understand what I'm feeling, he can't see the situation through my eyes because he's never felt jealousy!! lucky him....

Wish you luck!! If you need to talk to someone in the same boat, I'm here ok??

 

Sooz

[missie]

Hi Sooz,

 

Thanks for the reply....

Well about the meeting the friends thing, it is a bit of an issue, because he doesn't seem to want me to meet them, what makes me suspicious again, ofcourse.... It is really in my head every moment of the day, it is so stupid; I can't stop thinking about the possibility of him having a special thing with other girls, it doesn't have to be a relationship, also friendship bothers me, because with me he doesn't want to talk a lot about feelings... And ofcourse the fact he didn't tell people about me, hurts me too. Only 5 friends know about me, his family doesn't even know I exist. All those things make me really insecure.

And my boy isn't the jealous type either, so he doesn't understand me, he says I have to trust him, well of course I know I have to trust him, but it is very easy to say, and I can do it for like 10min and then I start thinking bad things again... I really want to get rid of those feelings and thoughts, but I already know I wont be able to do it alone. And it would help a lot if I could talk about it with my bf...

 

Well we'll see...

 

Greetz

[Sooz]

Hi Missie!! I can see why you are suspicious, you are not overeacting. Does he give you a valid reason for not wanting you to meet his friends?? it seems like you are giving more of yourself in this relationship, how difficult is to take you along one time so you can be more calm and comfortable?? is not like you're asking much.

I think you and him need to have a long and serious converstation, is not fair that you are feeling like you do and he doesn't do anything about it. If still he's not willing to put even a little effort in somethin so simple, imagine how it will be with something bigger...

I hope things turn out in a possitive way for both of you...

[birdgirl]

I've learned that sometimes guys lie about things their girlfriends are sensitive about to save them the pain (and to save them guys the conflict). They don't understand that lying makes us very suspicious and causes more pain that the plain truth.

 

I am going through this right now!!! It looks wrong but he swears he was just trying to protect me and our relationship. Men!