Avoiding friendship... - UPDATE, PLEASE SEE LAST PAGE ASAP!

[Something funny]

I asked the question in my earlier topic, but it sunk like a rock in evian. I think this is a crucial question for many of us, so your thoughts and tips are greatly appreciated, probably not only by me, but by many of the posters.

 

My girlfriend who dumped me misses me and wants us to be friends. Currently I'm doing the No Contact thing, and it "feels right" for the situation. But - she wants us to be friends. I want us to get back together. I know I still turn her on, but she's very stubborn. How do I avoid friendship and re-ignite the love? Can I infiltrate as her friend and drop subtle hints of love? Or is that impossible?

 

Help!

[spatzcolumbo]

Good question - thats exactly what i am asking myself right now. We split up nearly just over 3 months ago (scares me when i realise that) and have just seen each other for the first time since the start of january. Things were great, but i do not want to slip too far into being friends.

 

I think you have to get into a friends situation before you can really hope to take it any further. Whilst being 'friends' you can hint at more, and chip away at her stubborness until maybe you have a foot in the door.

 

But it is a fine line. Get it wrong, and you WILL just be seen as a friend, and you may have to walk away. get it right, and you may well get what you want.

[lostNheartbroken]

I've had the exact same problem. Is it all or nothing, or do you find some median.

 

In my situation, I think I need to forget about her and find a new relationship, then if I have a solid relationship with someone else, I not only won't get jealous over the exe's new b/f, but I'll be confident and I think that the friendship between the ex then would be a really solid friendship.

 

Going from lovers to just friends in 1 day is just too frustrating when you still love the other person.

[spatzcolumbo]

i think that if you want to try and get them back, you may have to be prepared to play the friend role. Whilst you may not be entirely truthful in this role, you are placing yourself in a position whereby you can slowly seduce this person back into your arms. I think this is the theory anyway. If you cut contact completely, you can not do this.

 

Thats my take on it anyway. But it is EXTREMELY hard to do. I think the majority of people who split just go their separate ways. To be honest, i don't think there are many who remain good friends. Its just not gonna happen. you know too many intimate details about them for it to work.

[Emotional]

the answer is to not get emotionally attached like with friends thing i think u should still act like yall are still together, or make her want u - this is my expierice my ex got me wantin him again by flirting some with me as friends..so being friends is perfectly ok..but for the love thing..grr i unno i onlky been in love once come to figure out soon later it was just infacuation cuz he told me he loved me..ok so this deal ide say keep ur eyes and ur body language open ..see what she does when yall are around eachother..hang out with her one weekend like say fri or sat..talk to her on the phoen but keep it real breif n YOU have to be the one to hang up with her first..if NOT then shes got all the power..

sorry i been through it all lol..hope i helped some

[Something funny]

Thanks for the advice.. so I should pretend to be her friend - with a certain distance - and then try to win her back? Sounds pretty risky.. I don't want to be caught in the "friendly quicksand".. that'll only make the pain worse.

 

I thought about becoming friends with her and at the same time I'd send flowers anonymously to her office, letting her have her suspicions, without me being too bold and pushy in the process. What do you think about this strategy? Good/bad?

 

Care to come up with other more in-depth strategies?

Man, I'm really feeling desperate here.. I've worked as a model damnit, and people say I "could have anyone". But I don't want anyone else.

[Something funny]

No cool strategies?

 

I know that the no contact rule means not initiating obvious contact, but what about bumping into eachother in the street? Should I make an effort to avoid running into her, or is that okay, as long as I play it cool? She works only a couple of blocks away from where I currently live, so I'm often a bit nervous that I'll bump into her.

 

Damn, I know she'll approach me sometime in the near future wanting to be friends, but I still don't know how to react. Right now she's also deep into some kind of self-destructive behaviour, and I don't know if she'll be receptable to any kind of moves from me before that phase is over. But who knows how long that'll take.

 

Many of our friends say that she'll probably "eventually" regret her decision to dump me, because of her self-destructive behaviour, but some of them suggest 1-3 months, others think it'll take years. But I can't wait that long, that'd kill me.

 

My current strategy is to wait for her to contact me, and then show her that I'm "not that chained-up little person", as Gloria Gaynor puts it. With some help from friends, I've re-styled myself almost "queer eye for the straight guy"-style and taken up some new interests I know would impress her. I think I should have a fair chance, and I know I should wait for her to make the next move, but I don't know how to strike when the time comes.

[Something funny]

Seems like I'm having a chat with myself.

 

Damn, I had nightmares about her tonight again. Woke up several times sweating in panic. Now, after a few weeks, I can get through the days without completely breaking down, but the nights.. I can't control my dreams, can I?

 

Nevertheless, I have to get stronger. That's what we all have to do, that's the only chance of surviving - AND the only chance of restarting our broken relationships. I just can't seem to figure out step two..

[Langeveldt]

Hehe no way, this is interesting stuff, im in the exact same boat...

 

Basically my ex breaks up with me... I love her so much that I dont want to be her "mate" really.. it just wouldnt cut it for me... (I like that post about "friendly quicksand"..)

 

Well ive come to the conclusion that its a necessary evil to getting her back... Ive got nothing to lose, so I'm gonna be spending this summer turning myself back into the guy she fell in love with ... I know the bloke she left me for isnt interested. One day she will get frustrated and will be back...

[coldcompress]

Hang in there somethingfunny.

 

I just read your post and it touched me in a very personal way. I know exactly what you are talking about. No you can't control your dreams. I've tried but it is no use.

 

It's been a month since I officially stopped contacting with my 4 year long girlfriend. The dreams with her have been constant. Most of them are nightmares, like she telling me she doesn't love me anymore, running into her with another guy on the street, etc. I wake up in cold sweats all the time.

 

I too am trying to get stronger.... and be like what Langeveldt and you said, gain new interests and make myself the person she once fell in love with again. But it is hard, because I also don't know what the next step is, or whether she would contact me at all. And trust me the month that passed felt like eternity already.

 

I would not recommend the trying to be friends thing. I tried that once, but when she wanted to just be friends, I wanted more, so I would be friends and have good times with her for a while but emotions would build up inside me, slowly and slowly, until one day I would be forced to try to speak to her about getting back and giving me another chance, and she would be angry and not want to talk about it. Then the next day I would apologize for my behaviour, and we would eventually resume the friendship status... but the cycle simply goes on, along with the misery. Maybe this is what you are referring to as the "friendship quicksand"?

 

If it is her love you want back, and not just yet another friend, act accordingly. Don't give her the security of having you as a friend. She would not change her ideas about you if she had that, and you would just have double the pain with none of the chance. It won't be fair on yourself.

 

Hope that post was in some way helpful. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[Langeveldt]

Hi coldcompress...

 

Yeah thats pretty much what I think about "Friendship Quicksand"... And its not somewhere I want to be....

 

I would love to *not* give my ex the security of friendship, because I dont want to fall into the trap of being her "mate" for the rest of my life..., but how on earth can she fall back in love with me if I am distant and uninterested with even being there for her as a friend????

 

Ive tried distancing myself, and saying im "busy" when she asks me around (as friends of course)... But this puts her in a really bad mood.... Im happy that I'm getting better, but I am still confused..

 

Many thanks for the opinions to chew over...

[Something funny]

Thanks guys.

 

Had a night out yesterday. Lots of women trying to pick me up for some reason. But I didn't want any of them. Kissing this Italian girl just made me miss my ex - she didn't smell like my ex, she didn't kiss like my ex, she didn't move like my ex. Two hot twins even BOTH gave me their numbers, but frankly I couldn't care less. What the heck is wrong with me? Sure, flirting takes away the pain for the moment, but it returns. I'm not made for quick, dirty sex. Once I've tasted real, sweet love I find it so hard to go back. It's like kissing plastic mannequins.

 

I'm a man, dammit, I'm supposed to jump at any chance of carefree sex offered. But all I can think about is my ex. Finding the right woman just isn't easy.

 

But it's nice to know that I'm still attractive to women. Maybe I can use that to win back my love.. mmm... *drools* love..

I have to get a hold of myself!

 

I think what turned these women on was the fact that I didn't seem to be interested in them (kinda like the way women seem to love gay men). Now I might be able to use THAT to pull my ex back.. maybe.

[Something funny]

This thread has turned into something of a personal diary.. I hope you people don't mind.

 

I feel like my "bettering myself" phase is going pretty good. I think I really am turning into a better looking, more interesting person. I feel like Rocky Balboa training for the big fight.

 

But the problem is that I'm striving towards a goal, where I'll eventually be able to win my ex over with my independance, my upgraded looks and my broader personality. I want to use my smile to make her fall, like I once did so effectively. When I eventually get there - what the heck do I do? What if I've been building up towards that moment, only to have all my hopes shattered? What if she still doesn't want me then, even though I've changed so much? I'm so scared of that.

 

I want to return as a new man and sweep her off her feet. But she's so stubborn.. even if she'll want to return, I'm not sure she'll allow herself to do that.

 

I have to regain control of the situation, and to do that, I need to be stronger. I need to approach this rationally and think clearly. My mind must not be clouded by lamentation of what was once lost. I need to approach her like a new person, reminding her of someone she loved in the past. That someone, sadly, needs to die. And the new, stronger, better person must be born from his ashes.

[Archivist]

Hi Somthing funny,

 

It's been 6 months since my break up with my ex and i just came back to this forum after some time to ask a similar question to yours.

 

Firstly i would not recommend the friends thing as i already went through that and got burned, we were friends, good friends still flirty with each other, she wanted me back but wasn't sure, but then out of no where she found someone new! Ouch that was horrible i was a backup plan! Now i'm not saying this will happen to you but it is a possiblity isn't it. Since then i've just been unable to really continue being her friend like we wanted to be because the reason i tried this was to gradually make her realise that it was in fact me she wanted to be with. All that hard work and those expectations made my fall pretty painful. You definaltey want to avoid that. She knows that it really hurt me i was pretty pissed off and she still missed me in a way and still wanted to remain friends afterwards because she kept contacting me, but it was just too hard for me. I evenutally had to tell her that i could not be the friend she wanted me to be and we've not spoken to each other for about 2 months now. The last thing she asked me was if we were still friends? In which i said yes, but not like before, maybe oneday we can be real friends again.

 

So now i am in your situation where i am rebuilding myself so i can be a better person, maybe even try another realtionship with someone else because i know that i can live without her after spending 6 months without her already. The thing i dont want to happen is for me to never have the chance to try again with her since we were great together and she knows it, just our timming wasn't, we were at different stages of our lives.

 

If you want to be able to try again whilst keeping no contact to avoid the "friends quicksand" you will have to be able to become part of her life again sometime in the future when you are ready. Thats the only problem i see for you, I dont know if or how you can even do this. Luckily for me, we have the same close friends so is not hard for me to "acidently" run into her again.

 

I can also tell you that after a long time of thinking like i've had, i know that i would be ok if i never had the chance to get back with her again. I've been able to let go of her somewhat before i can hope to have her back again, if that makes sense to you. I think the reson for that is that she didn't leave my much choice when she started to see someone new. What i'm trying to tell you is, don't dwell on it too much, look forward you'll realise later that you are not dependant on her love. I dont know if you'll actaully take this in, because i couldn't take it in either when i was at your stage in healing but seriously, its true!

 

I guess i'm where you are atm, we have our plan we just want to know if will work.

 

Good luck and i hope everything works out for you.

[Langeveldt]

Hello again SomethingFunny...

 

I hope the rebuilding is coming along nicely!! Its a bit like getting her in the first place was lol... Today I went out and randomly bought some nice clothes.. It sounds really vain, but when I look better I feel better so that was a must... I think she will be pleasently surprised when she realizes ive changed quite a bit (she hasnt seen me for a while, and ive just got over some depression over her and feeling sorry for myself)...

 

Eratrya, I think the pain of not being able to get them back does worry me... But not that much.. Because think about it, I would have even less chance if I didnt bother... And you can't lose someone you didnt have in the first place (that bit has already happened!)

 

SomethingFunny, check your PM"s, would be nice to chat with someone in the same boat...

[Langeveldt]

Hello again SomethingFunny...

 

I hope the rebuilding is coming along nicely!! Its a bit like getting her in the first place was lol... Today I went out and randomly bought some nice clothes.. It sounds really vain, but when I look better I feel better so that was a must... I think she will be pleasently surprised when she realizes ive changed quite a bit (she hasnt seen me for a while, and ive just got over some depression over her and feeling sorry for myself)...

 

Eratrya, I think the pain of not being able to get them back does worry me... But not that much.. Because think about it, I would have even less chance if I didnt bother... And you can't lose someone you didnt have in the first place (that bit has already happened!)

 

SomethingFunny, check your PM"s, would be nice to chat with someone in the same boat...

[Something funny]

One more day of getting stronger. I feel like I'll be someone completely new in a few more weeks. Except for my heart that is.

 

I'm moving this week. I'm just in the process of getting a new job. I'm planning on going to Japan this summer. I've completely restyled my looks. I'm going to start lifting weights and climbing indoors this week. I've taken up contact with loads of old friends, and made some new ones. I'm going to shop for new clothes soon. I'm going out partying at least three nights a week. I really feel like somebody new.

 

But my heart can't forget. The lost love still lingers in there. The memories of my ex echoes in there, sending depression all through my body. But at the same time, my heart is the catalyst for my change. It's the hope of getting back together with my ex that drives me. I feel like a nuclear plant, producing tons of energy - but if the core melts down, the destruction will be staggering. She's still my driving force, and that can't be all good. But at least it's for a good purpose.

[Something funny]

Here I go posting again. I guess this is a diary of sorts now. Hope you don't mind.

 

When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I hardly thought about my ex at all, and the thoughts I did think were mostly happy and hopeful. Later, that backfired, and now I feel miserable again. I feel like I'm getting nowhere, but I guess it's just a slump. Nevertheless it hurts like hell. The thought of winning my ex back just feels so distant right now.

 

A cute girl I saw at a café flirted with me somewhat, and I played with the thought. She's the friend of a friend, and I could get her number. But eventually, the interest faded away. Right now thinking about calling her just makes me sick.

 

I have an important job interview coming up tomorrow, and I hope I don't screw it up because of my mourning. I can picture myself just sitting there, drowning in thoughts about my ex, unable to answer the questions.

 

I have to be strong. But it's hard when you feel you don't have that strength. I just want to fall back into the comforting arms that aren't there. There are just sharp, broken shards of memories beneath me, and I mustn't fall into that hell.

 

But yeah, I guess that I'll just have to suffer through this slump. Time will eventually reward me with power - time will give me the advantage. She might have flattened me when she broke up with me, but that merciless, vile attack also gave me the ambition to inflate myself beyond what she thought was possible. She will break down and stand in my shadow. Eventually.

[Something funny]

Damn.. double post.

[Langeveldt]

Hi Somethingfunny...

 

Hope its going well... I go into slumps occasionally, and thats when I end up could shouldering her, and not answering the phone (its kind of like the opposite of begging for her back!)

 

However these slumps get fewer and farther between, time is the best healer time rules in fact Not only will you be getting more attractive to be with yourself, but the pain will get less.. Making your improvement 4X the speed!

 

Hope the interview goes/went well... Do you see your ex much??

 

Im taking her out on Thursday, kind of odd making so much fuss over an ex, but thats life.. and she always takes me places.... Our birthdays this week too... And one year since we first met... What a week lol...

[Something funny]

One more entry..

 

I feel a bit better now. Had dinner with my sister, and that cheered me up somewhat. But I'm still in the middle of a slump. I need to get on my feet and keep my vision straight. Easier said than done though.

 

I should be glad however that I have a network of friends to lean on. It's not nearly the same thing to be able to fall back completely into soft, loving arms, but if I didn't have my friends (and this nice place to vent my emotions) I'd probably be locked up in a a padded cell at a mental institution by now. Or dead.

 

But I guess what doesn't kill me does indeed make me stronger. I just need to believe that, hard as it may be. And the only chance I have of winning my ex back, as has been stated thousand times on this board, is to be strong. I'm starting to doubt my chances of getting her back, but I must find hope in the fact that anything can happen. People change their minds, and their hearts. Hope is the last thing that leaves us.

[Something funny]

I always used to get introvert during depressions. But I'm really glad this whole crisis - the most painful one ever - has made me extrovert instead of introvert. Talking to friends and posting here about my thoughts really makes it feel so much better. Just letting the same old murky thoughts spin around in my head doesn't make anything better - what really helps is to vent, vent and vent. I just hope people don't get tired of my constant nagging about how I feel.

 

Good music helps too. Upbeat, happy or hopeful music. I recommend avoiding the sad songs. They might feel right at the time, but trust me, what we need right now is happiness. Smiles. Good friends. Parties. Those things make us strong and independent. And that's what we need. That's what I need. To smile.

[Clevertrevor]

God I couldn't agree more; I just edit the sad songs, fast forward asap. And hopefully I will fast forward into the future.

I'm having a really bad one, sitting at my desk literally holding back the floodgates; luckily I have a cold, (strange luck but whatever) so red watery eyes are not unusual.

And, I have a date tomorrow, we are friends, but I don't know how I'm going to be strong enough not to

1.break down in front of her

2. be cool enough to be the guy she fell in love with (and in fact IS still in love with)

3. but also have her see that I would have her back immediately.

 

Talk about a tightrope. I am going to keep MajorD's "Feeding The Bird" analogy front and centre in order to regain some control.

[Something funny]

I just read the "bird" analogy, and it seems sound, except for it being a bit fuzzy and unspecific. One thing comes to mind; that I have to be the strong and secure one in order to offer her security. The roles have to be set before the feeding - she has to be the one who needs to be fed, and I have to make it seem like I don't need to give her that food.

 

I like my cat analogy too - if you hold a kitten too tight, it'll run away, regardless if it likes you or not. But if you just let go, sit still and act like you don't care, the kitten will eventually find a comfortable place in your lap, or - in the worst case scenario - run away anyway. But squeezing it tighter won't work, that'll just make the kitten run away sooner or later. It has to feel comfortable on it's own.

 

Damn, I'm tired, and to tell the truth, I'm pretty drunk (2 AM over here). Gotta get up early tomorrow.. *sigh*

 

I just wish I wasn't as madly in love as I am now. My phase of needing is soon over I think, and it's being replaced by wanting. I'm starting to feel like I don't need my ex. I just want her. I really want her.

[Langeveldt]

like I don't need my ex. I just want her. I really want her.

 

 

Thats great stuff to hear, from then on I started to become happier, when I realized I was back in control of my own life... Its liberating stuff...

 

I agree with the music, I just needed to turn off the Travis and Coldplay and Matchbox 20.. Depressing stuff that we both used to like! Basically the order of the day are some serious dance beats 8)

 

Anyway, im taking her out tomorrow, Ive got to find some way of being nice and independent and thoughtful and caring, but without falling into the trap of being "just a friend"... Any suggestions peeps?