Something funny Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 I wish I had any advice. I wish I knew just that bit actually - how to act when the No Contact period is ending. I think the point is to make her doubt that she could get you back if she wanted. At that point she'll realize that SHE's the one missing out, not you. A clever friend of mine told me that when someone breaks up violently - instead of letting the relationship cool down before parting, giving the other part a second chance etc - that someone is more or less consciously making sure he/she can return if he/she changes her/his mind. That's what makes it so much easier being the one who breaks up, instead of being the one who's dumped. By being the one breaking up, you're giving yourself the possibility of going back. It's essentially a very selfish and cowardly tactic. What we have to do is to see through that tactic, and act like they don't have that possibility anymore. Only that will make them realize what they have done, and only then can they make a real decision. A battle must be fought with both sides having equal conditions, without cowardly stabs in the back. That's why we have to be strong - to be able to face them on their level, under their conditions. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Okay, she just sent me a semi-long email. She basically writes that she's thinking a lot about me, and that she wants to be friends. But what the HECK do I reply with? I know I shouldn't be too fast with my reply, and I know I shouldn't write a long email.. but what do I write? Should I write about that I've been busy, that I'm getting a new job, partying, making new friends, taking up new hobbies, etc? Or should I keep it even shorter than that? Damn, it'd been so much easier if we had actually MET on the street or something, emails are so distant. Help, help, help! Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Okay, she just sent me a semi-long email. She basically writes that she's thinking a lot about me, and that she wants to be friends. But what the HECK do I reply with? I know I shouldn't be too fast with my reply, and I know I shouldn't write a long email.. but what do I write? Should I write about that I've been busy, that I'm getting a new job, partying, making new friends, taking up new hobbies, etc? Or should I keep it even shorter than that? Damn, it'd been so much easier if we had actually MET on the street or something, emails are so distant. Help, help, help! Yep, just make her miss you like anything... After all you are a better person now... Keep it short, and id reccomend starting to see her once you feel a more confident, happier, independent guy... Let us know how you get on... I took my ex out today, she messed up the bus time tables, and i had to really go out of my way to get her back home... Basically im now a happy confidant person, im still in love, but i can control my emotions i guess.... However she kept on going on and on about other guys she likes, i know they arent interested, i can't really tell her, that would be pretty awful of me, but its still really depressing to hear her go on and on... Anyway, she lets me hold her and kiss her on the cheek, I guess one day she is going to get frustrated with pursuing what she can't have (or so i hope).... Any opinions? Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 2, 2004 Author Share Posted April 2, 2004 Langeveldt, hang in there. Don't lose hope. Be patient and make sure you keep getting stronger. Impatience is your worst enemy. I promise - in due time, both you and me will have control of our situations. We just have to be patient and strategic. And strong. I've decided to keep my reply short. I'll simply state that it's nice hearing from her, that I've been busy and that I just don't know what I want right now. She wants me to make her feel secure by being her friend, but I won't do that. I can't do that. By doing that I think I'd basically blow my chances of getting together with her later on. I need more time to grow and to become someone else. I also need to give her time to reflect - and essentially - time to miss me. If I return too soon, she'll still be in a defensive position. Time is my weapon, and I need to learn to use it. This is how I'm planning to write my mail (translated from Swedish) - please come with any suggestions - I won't send it for a couple of days. She can only check her email on weekdays anyway. -------------------------------------- Hi! Nice to hear from you! Sorry for my late reply, I've had too much to do. I'm almost in over my head. I hope you'll like your new apartment. =) (she's moving next month) I don't know really what I want right now, I feel a bit torn apart. But losing contact would be a shame. Take care, [sIGNATURE] -------------------------------------- Comments? Suggestions? Should I add something, delete something? Bring on the opinions! I'm thinking about adding a "keep in touch!" after "a shame" - is that too much? I'm really being a perfectionist here, haha. Please comment! Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 Cant really fault that, although don't insist on keeping in touch (I think she has made it clear she wants to do that anyway, and you dont want to give her too much security)... I think i am one stage ahead of you, I basically mucked up this part by being really depressed and begging for her love etc etc... The pain goes, but the longing for her doesnt Now I am a better person, a completely tougher cookie (i spent a night on a park bench recently after my parents were arguing, because im not going to let other people get me down) I guess ive got to play on her mind, Im worried she already has the security of "friendship" so I am a little stuck, just got to keep plugging away.... I should get to the gym really, ive heard it does wonders for your morale.... Oh and another thing, I mention another girl im rather close to (although nothings happening yet)... And she gets really jealous and moody.. I take this as a good thing, should I?? Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 2, 2004 Author Share Posted April 2, 2004 I had a strange revelation today by the way. Right when I was sitting plannning my email to my ex, the two twins that I mentioned earlier sent me a flirty text message on my cell. Suddenly, I had this awkward feeling - do I really want my ex back? I mean, I love her SO MUCH I could go crazy, but at the same time, I thought about something else. If we got back together, there would be no more fooling around with twin models, no more making out with Italian women at 5AM in the morning and no more setting dates with lesbian girls. What I feel for my ex is love. I know that. I love her more than anything else. But that love is contrasting with freedom. Right now, I'd pick love over freedom, but I'm still amazed that I was struck with this feeling. It wasn't a feeling of wanting her LESS, it was just a feeling of wanting something else TOO. I feel like I'm beginning to be torn between two worlds, two ideals, two modes of living. Not yet though, I might be wrong. I'm not sure. AARRGH I just don't know what I really want. It's so confusing. But maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. Link to comment
coldcompress Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 Hey somethingfunny, Langeveldt. Haven't had time to get on this forum, been trying to keep myself busy for distraction It's good to come back and hear about the progress you guys are making though. I feel this forum is really acting as more of a support group than anything else. I know I certainly get a lot of support just by reading from here! Anyways, I am kind of in the situation that I was afraid of before. My ex has recently started calling me, after a month and half of no contacting at all. Since she is the one dumped me and also the one who intiated the no-contact after I tried to plead and beg, and now by calling me she is kind of breaking her own rules, I at least feel kind of good about myself and gained some sense of dignity back. But the problem is, of course, I don't know what she wants to go with this, so now I have no idea how to react? She has been calling and having these casual chats with me, not saying anything about the whole no contacting period and what led to it. She asks me if I hate her, and tells me she misses talking to me. The problem is, what do I do? I have been chatting casually with her too, joking around and talking about events in our lives. But I can't help but feel strange, I can't help but wonder if she actually has a desire to get back with me romantically, or she is just simply lonely and needs someone to talk to? Does she want to pull me into that friendship quicksand again? I have been kind of getting on with my life and feeling better about myself, taking the advice from you guys on this forum. I don't want to get walked over again now, and I don't want to give her such luxury to simply waltz back into my life after she ripped my life apart before. What do you guys think I should do?? Link to comment
coldcompress Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 BTW, Langeveldt, I have been telling myself to go to the gym too.. hahaha but it just seems rather boring to me. I heard however that swimming does amazing things to change your emotional moods though. I might give that a try myself... And as for somethingfunny.... lesbian twins you say??? HMMMM..... wait a minute what am i saying. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 3, 2004 Author Share Posted April 3, 2004 No, not lesbian twins. Not that good. The twins seem to be competing for my affection, and the lesbian was another girl. Coldcompress, I think you should still try to keep some distance, and show her that you don't need her. Make it seem like you're a man torn between love and freedom. Show her that SHE's not the only one making a decision - YOU are too. Tell her that you're simply not sure if you want to be her friend after all this. Tell her that you're unsure. Tell her that YOU need more time. It's important that you make HER wait. That way the balance will slowly tip over in your favor. She IS uncertain (even if she doesn't show it), but instead of focusing solely on her uncertainty, you need to move the spotlight over to your decision. That will probably make her realize that she can't just take you for granted, and that's an important piece to the puzzle. She expects you to want her, and frankly that makes you boring in her eyes. But if you start doubting openly, she'll have to rethink the situation. That will make her realize that she can't just keep you as a backup plan - and that will in turn make her more attracted to you. Will it be enough? I have no idea. But I'm confident this strategy will work to some extent at least. Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 Hello people.. Coldcompress, its a really subtle balance, and i hope i havent already have messed up.. I may have fallen into the quicksand already... Somethingfunny... Maybe the situation isnt so bad at all, we both have a girl we love (and they are quite fond of us which helps), and we arent bound by the commitment that having a serious relationships... Maybe playing the field wouldnt be so bad, after all things change over time and they may be the ones coming running back to us.... Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 Now I have trouble with my new apartment that I'm supposed to move to. I won't know for sure if I can move in until 10 more days. Damn! Since I know she's moving too, it would feel like a real letdown for me to stay in the same place. I really needed to get away from this old apartment, since it's so full of memories of me and my ex. Every time I ride the elevator up I'm reminded of how we used to make out in there, for example. I really hope I can move soon - finding another apartment would take months, and that doesn't feel right. I want change now! I went out partying yesterday, with our mutual friend. But halfway through the evening, we had to part ways since she was going to see my ex. It felt so weird, hearing "you can't come, because she [my ex] is going to be there". After 3 ½ years of seeing eachother constantly, it's kind of weird that she's the only person in the world that I just CAN'T see. The world is a strange place indeed. I'll send my reply to her mail today. Tomorrow she'll read it - but if I know her right (and I know I do) she'll wait a few days before responding, just for the sake of it. And the funny thing is, I already know exactly how her reply is going to look. She's going to write "okay, I see that you're a bit torn apart right now, maybe we can talk again in a month or so". The pattern, it's so.. ..predictable. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 So I sent the email, with my new flashy job title embedded in the signature. Heh. The next step in my strategy is to "accidentally" bump into her on her way from work (as I stated, I live close to where she works, so it wouldn't seem weird or anything). I'll have to pick a day when I feel and look good. That way I'll be able to show her my new look and how I can take distance with a charming smile. I just want to quickly remind her of what she's missing. After that I'll use a little more No Contact before making my next move, or until she makes one. I have to be patient and wait for my sly manipulation to take effect. Rushing in head on would blow everything. I think this plan might work. My only big fear is that she's going to find someone else during the No Contact period. But I can't plan with that in mind. If that happens, all bets are off. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 So she responded to my reply faster than I thought, but the contents of the email was just the way I thought it was going to be. She said that we should wait more before talking - which is fine by me. We mustn't rush. Although she DID add "I really want you to be happy" at the end. I think she might be softening up a little bit, but we still have a long way to go before I can start trying to reel her in again. I have to walk a fine line and keep playing my cards right. I replied that I'm doing fine at my new job and that I'm happy. I thought about writing about my new hobbies and such, but that seemed like a little too much. I'll wait with those tidbits for later. As I stated, my next project is to "bump into her" on the street. I'll pick a sunny day when I'm feeling good. Maybe this week. Maybe next week. Maybe the week after that. I don't think she'll contact me for another couple of weeks, which gives me room to plan. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Damn, I'm going into a down phase again. Gotta keep my spirit high, along with my hope. If I cave in, not only will she be lost to me, my own sanity will also suffer a major setback. Anything can happen. I have to believe in that. I have to be strong. I can't give up now. Some excercise would do me good. A few pushups wouldn't hurt - and yeah - I'm finally going climbing this week. I hope. Do you guys know anything about yoga being good or not? Me and a friend are thinking about trying it.. Damn, you know, my life really looks great on the outside. New job, great future, I'm moving, lots of girls trying to pick me up, lots of friends. I don't think my life has ever been this good. On the outside. But on the inside, the shards of my broken heart still float around, wounding me from within. It's so irrational. It's so stupid. Why can't I just stop thinking about her? What makes her so special compared to the rest of the three billion girls in world? Why can't I stop loving her? Be still my heart. Maybe, just maybe, we really are meant for eachother. If that indeed is true, we will be together again. Only time will tell. Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Yeah good stuff, I think you will have it sorted... Ive just been thinking, say we had no female interests ever, would we be lifting weights and doing yoga lol?? i think not All i would be doing is playing cricket and getting my pilots license... i doubt i would get out of bed on some mornings 8) Its my birthday on the seventh, and my ex has chosen to ignore me for a bit.. Weve got our birthdays, and a year since we met in the same week... It really is a crappy time for me.. Oh well... She probably doesnt care less, i bet im the one doing all the worrying and i doubt she even thinks about me.. However she always gets in a bad way when i ignore her or act coldly, shes always being clingy (except this last week)... i dont know what to think... Sometimes i think i have the worst of both worlds, because she is a "hassle" and she wants me to be there, but im getting zilch out of it... To be brutally honest, ive got enough friends without having my ex girlfriend being one... Oh well i will live... Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Well, yeah, that's what this thread was originally about. How to avoid friendship in favor of love. I still wish I had the answer to that question. I think the No Contact stuff plays an important part in walking that fine line. But the problem is that if you act openly romantic, then the ex will "fly away" as in that bird analogy. She will realize what is going on and act in panic. I mean, how do you seduce someone without the person knowing it? I knew that if me and my ex met for a talk, she would be very defensive from the start. If we were at a bar, she would refrain from drinking alcohol just to be able to keep her judgment intact. She knows that she's still unsure, and she's afraid of falling back in love with me. That's why I have to play her heartstrings very subtly - and that might be the biggest challenge of all. She still has love left in her heart for me, and I know that it scares her. I guess I have to show her that I'm somebody new. That could make her dismantle her defense somewhat. But on the other hand, she's a very stubborn person and her will could easily triumph over her feelings. Well, I guess I don't have to solve that problem right now. I guess time will give me the answer. Right now, I can't do much anyway. Link to comment
spatzcolumbo Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 How about what Majord (with some adjusting from Beec) has suggested i do - meet up a few times as friends, and show them how great you are together. And then just play a BIG shock tactic - tell them that you honestly thought you were cool about things, but you've given it a lot of thought and maybe it still hurts a bit, and being friends just isn't realistic for you at the moment. Tell them that you wish it could be ok, but that you've come to the difficult decision that you have to just walk away completely. I dunno. That is just what has been suggested to me as a possible next move. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 6, 2004 Author Share Posted April 6, 2004 Hm, that's an interesting idea. It's a bit in-your-face though. Maybe I'll try some kind of variation of it, something a bit sneakier. Maybe not saying "hey, this isn't working" straight out. If I do that, she will be pressed to make a decision, and then we'll end up at the breaking point again. I think I have to be more subtle. By the way, when it comes to No Contact - how long is too long? I was her first real love, and we were together for 3½ years. It won't just take a couple of months for the feelings to fade away completely, will it? I'm thinking I should make my moves within 1-2 months time. We broke up about a month ago. My impatience is wearing away at me, some days I feel like just calling her, but I know I mustn't. I have to keep my cool. Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 It will take as long as it will take, and every situation and circumstance is different... i personally am interested in hearing if there are any people who get their exes back, after say a few years after they have had other relationships... I dont mind how long it takes, its just the pain of it not happening, and thinking about other guys making her happy in the meantime that gets at me... Link to comment
Langeveldt Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Yeah hard luck about the "friend".. A really beautiful girl who I have been trying to get with has friends who dont like me for some reason or another.... Oh well... Thats really inspiring stuff though... The good thing about taking all the effort to "reinvent" oneself, is that if it doesnt get you the girl back, you are still a "better person" and more attractive to every one else! So you cant lose that badly... I have changed the way i dress, and Im happier and more confident because I dont NEED her any more... I just want her really badly Im interested that you say get a tan and change your hair colour... Although I spend some time in Pretoria, South Africa, beautiful climate and Im learning to fly out there, most of it amounts to nothing when I get back to the weak sun back in England... So what is it then, fake tanning fluids?? lol. the things we do for love... Id love to experiment with hair colour though, im a tall brunette, and my hair is actually nearer black than brown... What can anyone suggest? Id love to try something, relitively safe many thanks for your support.. Link to comment
Something funny Posted April 7, 2004 Author Share Posted April 7, 2004 I still dream about the day I'll return as a new man and sweep her off her feet. I know I really shouldn't; it feels like a forbidden thought, since I'm not sure if it's even possible. If she knew I was dreaming about that, I'd be ashamed. I'm supposed to be strong and independent. I'm not supposed to dream about getting back with her. But still, that dream is my driving force. It's what makes me get up in the morning. And yet, I'm so afraid of my hopes getting crushed. Off to sleep again. Why can't I just enjoy the amazing life I have? Why is my heart so against me? Link to comment
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