Divorced and dating. Ex-cheated. Questions re: new girl

[easyreader2k]

My ex-wife had an affair with a friend of mine and we got divorced recently. At my family and therapists' suggestions I began dating again and ended up meeting someone I really like. She went home to visit her family for a few weeks after we got serious and spent some time with her ex-fiance (who is now married) and was very open about it, which I didn't mind so much. She did say she went to a nude sauna with him (she's foreign, so that's not totally out of line) and that did bother me a little bit, but she put it as the perspective of it being a cultural difference and no big deal. She talks about this her ex-fiance quite a bit, but not in a way that makes me jealous, but she speaks of him fondly and recounts the trips and good times they had together.

 

More recently she told me that she was going to go play tennis with another ex-boyfriend, which didn't really bother me that much either, but last night we started talking about him and she said that he was kind of a self-absorbed jerk and that he was obsessed with sex, and for whatever reason, that really bothers me. I'm trying to pin-point exactly what it is, but I think that it has to do with the idea that this was, from what I can tell, a somewhat superficial, sex-based relationship, and her willingness to continue it on a "just friends" basis, might be some kind of red flag for me to take heed of.

 

She is very sweet and seems truly in love with me, but one thing I've learned from my divorce is that love fades sometimes and after that it takes a person with real integrity to keep the relationship alive. I can't tell if she's trying to test my boundaries or if she's just not sensitive to the fact that I was cheated on and might not take these things so well at the moment. She could tell last night that I was upset after she told me about her relationship with her ex-boyfriend and swore that she would never cheat on me, but I've heard this before.

 

Is this my problem or hers?

[Sentohottie]

Since you are both in the relationship, you are both responsible. I would personally say that she isn't testing your bounderies, but she has her own bounderies already set. If she is really in love with you, you need to sit down and figure out some boundries. Shey may SWEAR that she will never cheat on you, but if cheating is just centimeters away....then its more of a temptation than what it should be.

 

Let her know that her bounderies are a little out of your league. Work on a comprimise where you stretch your limits, and she pulls hers back a bit.

[easyreader2k]

I know a lot of it has to do with my perspective on things which is heavily influenced by my recent experiences. I know she's had other relationships and that they of course had sex, but for her to talk to me about it drives me crazy. It's kind of like getting food poisoning and then feeling sick whenever you are around that kind of food.

[Sentohottie]

I understand that it has a negative affect on you, however, that is no reason to just let it go. Even the most innocent and loyal person can still cheat if the opportunity is presented just right, and especially if the relationship isn't strong. (I'm not saying your's isn't)

 

But by asking her to tighten her bounderies a bit, I"m sure she is going to have a hard time with that. IF you care for her that much, you will be willing to work it out, even if it makes you sick inside. You can't let that feeling get in the way of a great relationship.

[sphinx999]

In my experience my boyfriends have also been my mates so I keep in contact with them, maybe thats how she sees hers. Also I can understand the ex fiancee she must have had strong feelings forhim which easily cultivate a friendship.

[easyreader2k]

But she describes the sex fiend ex-boyfriend that she played tennis with recently as being a real asshole that she doesn't like talking to or being around. I'm just concerned that she's not being sensitive to my feelings or fears even this early in our relationship. Being cheated on in my marriage almost did me in mentally and physically and I don't want to ever put myself in that situation again. Not that I'm afraid of commitment, but I ignored the smoke that turned out to be a fire in my last relationship and now that I think I'm smelling it again (even if it's not there) I can't help but be concerned.

[Sentohottie]

If you look for reasons to find that she is cheating on you, chances are you will find them. Not because she IS cheating on you, but its because you are actively looking for them. Don't be so eager to find how she might be cheating on you.

[woobiegirl]

Could it be that your g/f is just a bit more of an open-minded person? She sounds as if she is letting you know she is just sharing some of her past experiences, whether good or bad. I sometimes refer to my past because it includes wonderful history of adventures I've had and is not necessarily about the person I was with at the time, but an avenue to have someone get to know who I am. I've also had men bring up their ex-girlfriends, but get the feeling they are (possibly) sending a message i.e. what their g/f did that hurt their feelings, what they don't or do like, etc.

 

You may be slightly more sensitive because of your cheating experience, and that's normal. But starting off with a clean slate in a new relationship is important, no one wants to be punished for something someone else did to us and insecurity chases people away. I do, however, think maybe she goes into too much detail about the "sex-crazed" ex and not sure I would want my b/f to skinny dip with his ex. If she's foreign, she just may be more open minded. Bottom line is whether these are things you are willing to accept in your relationship since we can't and don't want to change people.

 

Take care and good luck!!

Woobiegirl