Okay, need some opinions here, please..

[Something funny]

So my girlfriend since 3½ years back left me a couple of weeks ago. She told me she wanted to explore herself, see the world and all kinds of things like that. And I know there was an inbalance during the last months of our relationship - I loved her too much and she felt she was smothered. And our relationship had always been very serious, she didn't believe in marriage, but since she loved me so much she still wanted to marry me. We worshipped eachother a lot of the time. It was really intense. But then, she started working, and I noticed she didn't seem to have so much faith in herself anymore. She started eating too little, excercising every day, and stuff like that.. after she had been in Paris with her work during a weekend she just dumped me flat out. I know she hadn't been unfaithful - at least according to our mutual friends - she had just gotten tired of being in a relationship and wanted to broaden her horizons. She felt she was being smothered by our relationship, and even though I said things could be made better, she wouldn't listen.

 

And I know she's not feeling well, the other day one of our friends told me she almost got fired from her job for flirting too much with her coworkers. And the funniest thing was, she wasn't even interested in any of them. She just wanted the attention. She has never been like that before, she's always been a bit femisist, not being comfortable with men's looks and dirty thoughts - she's simply gone through some kind of strange crisis where she doesn't want a relationship. She just wants confirmation. But I know she still has some love left for me, even though it's not enough right now.

 

For me, it has been incredibly painful. I've been through a lot of difficult things in my life, but nothing compares to these past two weeks. I can't eat properly, I can't stop thinking about her, I can't stop dreaming about her, and so on. During the first couple of days, I tried to get her back by groveling, but was firmly and harshly rejected. After about a week and a half, I sent her a long letter where I explained that I'll always love her no matter what, even if we take separate paths in life, and even if we move on. She replied in an email that the letter made her cry, and she hoped that we could be friends later. She also told one of our mutual friends that she was very afraid that I wouldn't want to be her friend later on. But I can't stand the thought of just being friends with her. I want her back.

 

So now, after reading some of the excellent posts here, I've started following the "No contact" rule for a few days now. I'm planning on overhauling myself; dying my hair, working out, traveling, taking up contact with old friends, and so on. I've also asked our closest mutual friend not to tell my ex what I'm doing, so that she gets some feeling of suspense. My friend doesn't think that the no contact stuff can get us back together, but I think it's worth a shot. I still love my ex so much I can't even grasp it myself.

 

So, what do you people think? Do I have a shot? She really wants to be friends with me, but my worry is that this friendship won't be able to become love once again. How should I act when she contacts me and wants to be friends, to be able to turn that longing for friendship back into love? I can't just say "my way or the highway", she's too stubborn to ever accept that. Should I do something subtle and romantic to show her that I still love her, or will that just scare her away? If I just play cool, won't that just make way for a simple friendship?

 

Please help!

[OpenArms]

Wow man what you are going through sounds very similar to what I am going through. After 3 years, we broke up for the same reasons that your gf stated. She's 23 and I'm 26. Well anyways...lets started what caused the breakup....maybe it's similar to you.

1) The relationship went a bit stale....I'm partly to blame since I didn't change up the pace once in a while and got too comfortable. It was partly her too because she came over eeeeevery day to see me.

2) She started getting curious about what's out there. The stories she heard from her single friends sounded fun and interesting to her. She thought she was missing out on those experiences since she was with me since the age of 20.

3)The age factor. We are both somewhat marriage-phobic. I wasn't planning on marrying her any time soon and she wasn't looking to get married for a while.

 

Anyways, it's been under 2 months since we broke up and I've gone through more emotional roller coasters than I can ever remember. We've maintained civil contact since we share custody of our little dog and we have mutual friends. My advice to you better yourself. There is no easy road to getting back together or recovery but I believe this will make you a stronger person. I know you've got a part of your mind that's set on getting her back so I'm not going to try to convince to do it or not to it. Regardless improve yourself...You will have your moments of strength as well as weakness but it's all natural. Play out different scenarios in your mind...if you guys got back together why would things be better...would the problems still exist...if that fair to you??? What is you had done the breaking up....how would you act...how would she act? For me I realized that if we got back together....nothing would change...problems will still be there. If I had broken up with her, I know I would try to respect the pain that she's going through but at the same time I know I would feel my pain as well. The road is recovery or even getting back together is not an easy one, nor is it short. But I believe it all starts with helping yourself improve. Hope this helps a little.

[ophelan]

I wish I had a perfect solution for you; my situation is very similar in ways (mine is a 3-year relationship, and she just recently became very confused):

 

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I'm currently operating under the plan of "minimal contact", as "no contact" just isn't possible when you live in the same apartment as someone. I've been trying keep our contact brief, and avoid serious topics about us. I have continued to show her subtle reminders of my love, though. I think this could be a successful technique, but progress is slow.

 

Improving yourself is always a good thing. Take this as an opportunity to reflect both on yourself and the relationship - what can you do to better improve both? In my case, I've found that there are a lot of things I could be doing to put more effort into my relationship that would not cost me much effort at all, and would make my girlfriend very happy. I've also found time for old friends that I've negelected, and other things that were displaced by her in my life. That said, I still want her back, but there are changes I want to make to improve things should that happen.

 

Good luck, and don't give up! If she really needs time to herself, then it is quite possible she is doing this against even her own wishes. She is possibly just as miserable without you. But she needs to put herself first, and focus on whatever is on her mind. After she settles that, hopefully things with you can fall into place.

[Something funny]

Many thanks for the replies.

 

But does anyone have any tips to avoid falling in the "friendly" trap once she's initiated contact? Some people say that once you've become "just friends" with a woman, there's no turning back to love. I don't know if that's true, but it scares me somewhat. I have other good female friends, I don't need someone who'd break my heart just by looking at me. Can I infiltrate her life as a friend and then make a move?

 

Also, some people around me say that she's probably just going through a phase, and that she'll want to return when she discovers that one night stands, working overtime and excercising won't fill the hole that I left behind me. But who knows how long that will take, if that is indeed true? What if she finds love somewhere else? I can't wait around for her to change her mind, especially since I'm not sure she ever will.

 

But still - my real question is - how do I lead the friendship that she wants back into love?

[Something funny]

Anybody? I desperately need advice on this..