Am I a bad person for giving up?

[bewilderment]

I really think this is what is preventing me from filing for divorce.

 

I have tried for 5 years (length of the marriage) to make it work. He doesn't go to the counseling appointments, so I just go by myself. I am at the point where I give up and want out of the marriage.

 

He completely bankrupted us with his failed business and never filed/paid our income taxes for 4 years of the marriage. Basically lying to me about through omission (I signed the papers assuming he sent in the payments).

 

So, I am done, but the therapist challenges me every time I tell her this. She says if I loved/commited to him that I should ask him to get help, that I am worried about him. Well, I did that, and he just looks at me in silence. When is enough, enough??? I don't have any support from my parents about my situation and I can't get a full-time job until the bankruptcy is over. I just want OUT!! Am I a bad person?

[ellandroader]

From what I am reading, it looks like a sinking ship and you are the only one trying to repair it. If you're married and he is lying about something like income tax, which is serious, that's a concern in itself. You're attending therapy alone too and he is unresponsive to your worries.

 

I don't think you're a bad person for leaving. Sometimes you have be smart and the head has to overrrule the heart. I can see that you know this already and have already explained the problems. I think that you will come off worse (damaged, drained, exhausted) if you stick at it but then I am only going off the information here.

 

Good Luck.

[loulee]

Nope your not a bad person...Ask yourself how is he supporting me and us resolve our problems...if your answer is nought then leave..afterall you would not be leaving much behind if this is the case.. I noticed you mentioned his silence is he passive aggressive..??

Look after yourself it sounds like you already are..

[bewilderment]

Is passive-aggressive when someone completely pretends that nothing bad is going on around him when in reality everything is falling apart?? He has NEVER in the years being married come to me after NUMEROUS major mistakes on his part and asked me how I'm doing...or even acknowledged his irresponsiblities unless I bring them up. It is totally crazy to me! Does anyone know if there is actually mental illness involving passive-aggresive personality??

[ellandroader]

Is passive-aggressive when someone completely pretends that nothing bad is going on around him when in reality everything is falling apart?? He has NEVER in the years being married come to me after NUMEROUS major mistakes on his part and asked me how I'm doing...or even acknowledged his irresponsiblities unless I bring them up. It is totally crazy to me! Does anyone know if there is actually mental illness involving passive-aggresive personality??

 

Yeah that is part of it. Ignoring responsibilities, pinning the blame elsewhere, silent treatment, push/pull techniques etc etc. It can be associated with many mental illnesses I am told but I am no expert on any. I can only relate to past experience when it comes to this....

[loulee]

Is passive-aggressive when someone completely pretends that nothing bad is going on around him when in reality everything is falling apart?? He has NEVER in the years being married come to me after NUMEROUS major mistakes on his part and asked me how I'm doing...or even acknowledged his irresponsiblities unless I bring them up. It is totally crazy to me! Does anyone know if there is actually mental illness involving passive-aggresive personality??

 

Passive aggressive is a personality disorder. people that are passive aggressive do not take any responisbility for their actions, always blame others and often suppress anger. They cannot communicate their feelings healthily if at all. They often do not form deep emotional bonds as they simply cannot. Their behavour is conditioned more often than not from early childhood from abusive or over controlling parents(one or both), they learn to avoid conflict at any cost, even if that means ignoring their partner and will bury their head in the sand at any given opportunity rather than face a problem head on. They will suppress anger and appear outwardly unaffected by partners that annoy or upset them. They will often use the silent treatment(control method) to avoid an intimate discussion should a problem arise, they give mixed messages say one thing mean another.They are often people pleasers and will always put their own needs first ahead of yours. Sadly they are often in denial about their problem.they readily tell lies over the truth, procrastinate and never finish chores or jobs...and often leave you feeling very insecure about where you stand should you be involved with a person of this personality type. Sadly they believe their own lies at times and will not change or improve without counselling..They will leave you in tears of frustration and hurt every time rather than give emotional support and understanding...they can make you feel like you are the only one investing in the relationship...

[loulee]

If you wish to PM me do so I am sure he is this personality type P/A from your post and i would be happy to chat with you I have much experience with this disorder

[sugar_britches]

I also live with a man who i believe has pasive aggression. Its hard, very hard to live with. At the moment i am in counselling as well as training to become a counsellor and his PA traits seem to have gone through the roof. He is more guarded and secretive than ever before and each time i try to talk about things he accuses me of analysing him then starts sulking for hours. Any advice on how i should handle this? x

[loulee]

I also live with a man who i believe has pasive aggression. Its hard, very hard to live with. At the moment i am in counselling as well as training to become a counsellor and his PA traits seem to have gone through the roof. He is more guarded and secretive than ever before and each time i try to talk about things he accuses me of analysing him then starts sulking for hours. Any advice on how i should handle this? x

 

you can also PM if u wish i would be happy to chat about this with you..

[bewilderment]

Loulee...i tried to PM you, but it EA states you do not accept PMs.

 

Anyways, I feel bad that he may have this disorder, but getting him to admit that he has any type of "disorder" would never happen. I cannot wait around for that remote possibility and at this point the love has gone. I have approached him about many issues during the course of the marriage (and much more significant than just leaving socks on the floor) and have NEVER gotten a concerned or productive response much less any type of real acknowledgement. Honestly, he is so bad that if I were to just completely stop paying the mortgage and let the house go into forclosure, he would say, "oh well" and move into my parents' and act as if it was no big deal. I can't continue to be married to a man who for the rest of my life who will never approach me about anything important, even when it could mean the financial or emotional health of our family/marriage. Would you agree that this is many times a dealbreaker, especially if the person will never get help?

[loulee]

I am so sorry I will have a look at my message thingo and change it i cannot understand it as I have had several PM messages ..some recently..but Ill have a look..ALL i can tell you is he does sound very passive aggressive to me..Passivity being the dominant characteristic...he will not change any time soon,,that is a definite and quite frankly he cannot change without recognising his lack of committment and support both financially and emotionally..I have just ended an 8 year relationship with a guy who everyone would always say Gosh hes nice so friendly and easygoing..BUT>>they did not live with him. As my psychologist pointed out you have 3 children not 2,,..and in honesty this thought had crossed my mind many times. My partner burnt me out physically ..but the killer was his emotional detachment and lack of support. I unlike you, still loved him enormously so my decision was very very difficult..you on the other hand sound better adjusted to the concept of life without him. I guess your answer lies in what you have now...What supportive. communicative healthy things does your partner offer in this realtionship..Its easy to sugar coat a relationship and deny what we really need until a crisis hits...you sound to me like your exhausted and are always making things happen and get done while he sits about procrastinating. burying his head in the sand and ignoring responsibilities..is this how you see your future...and what about with children?? relationship input must be of fairly equal amounts from both sides to be secure, solid and healthy...or an agreed balance..yours sounds not at all like this...life is too short to waste carrying someone for the rest of their life...I would not blame you for leaving unless your partner decided to seek some help and deal with this problem together..he may actually be depressed..yes you may be surprised by this...but depression comes in all shapes and forms and with passive aggressive types is often not obvious.....I will look at my settings for PM please dont hesitate to message again if I can offer any advise I will and gladly there are also some good web sites on P/A behavour that have personally helped me understand it better...

[bewilderment]

Wow, thank you. It is so wonderful to talk to someone who understands this. As I sit here typing, my husband is watching t.v. in his "bedroom" where the couch is. He has been sleeping on the couch since I found out about the latest fiasco, HOWEVER, has not said a word about anything since. It is almost eery how he goes through life.

 

My question is.....can you be let in to love a person like this?? It is like he lacks substance. There is HUGE elephant in the room that he does not see. If you see it, feel it, and it is CRUSHING you.....he is oblivious, therefore leaving me (our relationship) to just go and die. (sorry to be so dramatic, but that is how I feel).

[Capricorn3]

I don't think you're a bad person for "giving up". It sounds like you've been struggling to make things work for at least five years, so I wouldn't call that giving up. You've tried. He seems to ignore it all and has a "don't care" attitude, and if that's the case, it will be almost impossible to make a success of this marriage.

 

Do what you have to do and if divorce is what it takes, then so be it. You only have one life to live.

 

Wish you well. Good luck.

[loulee]

Wow, thank you. It is so wonderful to talk to someone who understands this. As I sit here typing, my husband is watching t.v. in his "bedroom" where the couch is. He has been sleeping on the couch since I found out about the latest fiasco, HOWEVER, has not said a word about anything since. It is almost eery how he goes through life.

 

My question is.....can you be let in to love a person like this?? It is like he lacks substance. There is HUGE elephant in the room that he does not see. If you see it, feel it, and it is CRUSHING you.....he is oblivious, therefore leaving me (our relationship) to just go and die. (sorry to be so dramatic, but that is how I feel).

Hi bewilderment I have added you to my private contacts feel free to message me at any time loulee

[loulee]

im sure he cares TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITIES AND CAPABILITIES>.. think about this...

[sugar_britches]

it wont let me message you either for some reason x