Can someone reassure me please

[Rickster]

I'm not entirely sure whether I'm posting in the right place. But here goes.

 

I'll have to give you a little background history of myself so that you understand the kind of person I am. About 4 years ago my ex of 2 years broke up with me and it left a bitter taste in my mouth. After that, and sometimes even till now, it has become part of me that I don't allow people into my life that easily. It is for reasons because I trusted my ex and she cheated on me. Call me whatever you want, but I'm just being careful with who I mix around with. That saying goes where "sometimes we build walls around ourselves not to keep other out, but to see who cared enough to tear them down"... I follow that. When I do think that person has torn down that wall, I do give a lot of care to them and go out of my way to help them. And to me friends means the world to me since I don't have many and am quite a loner. But it takes a lot more than just "hi" and "bye" for me to become friends with someone.

 

Anyway, about a month ago I told this girl I liked her after having a crush on her for the past 4-5 months. I never really got to know her well because both her and I are very reserved about ourselves. We each have our own walls. So imagine how hard it is for us to get through to each others territory. I'm drifting off... erhemmm... Anyway, she rejected me and she has her reasons and I respect her decisions. A few days after that I tried to get to know her better cause when she confronted me she was being very open. And I made such a big mistake. She misinterpreted my real intentions, that was not to get together with her. Anyhow, after that I tried to cut contact off with her which is hard cause we stay in the same area. Well not totally cut her off, but try to keep that distance so that she knows from my actions that I'm not trying to get with her. I felt that if she was the only one who knows when she's ready to talk to me in a personal and close manner, she would come to me.

 

Few weeks down the line and just a few words (and I mean few) I've spoken to her about studies and some random topics during dinner, she sat down in the communal area with my friend and I discussing about this subject that we all are doing. The next day she attended the same class as me because I had told her it was a better class to attend (which is the truth). Then anyway, on the way out of the class she waited for me and we walked together and I thought we were going back to the dorm. Instead, she headed in a different direction. And I asked where she was going, and she replied so and so. She looked like I was going to follow her when we were parting. I had to pause for a moment to think about this. And my intial instinct was to distance myself from her because I didn't want her to feel like I'm intruding her space. If this wasn't her or if that whole misinterpretation incident didn't happen, I would have followed out of courtesy. I followed my instinct and decided that I had to part cause I didn't want to get into a sticky situation again.

 

For the past few weeks, I've been trying a lot harder to be abit more open cause I'm shy and reserved. Now I don't know what I did was right. Was she telling me that the situation is ok between us. If so, I felt like I was being my old self once again - rejecting people and keeping people out of my life and I don't want to continue doing this. Or did I make the right choice and keep that distance? You know, I don't want people to give up on making friends with me because I don't put in that effort. And this is what I felt here.

 

Don't get me wrong, getting together with her is not even a question worth considering to me. And if it may seem like I'm thinking like this because I'm still feeling I have a chance, I must be doing it unconsciously, because I know rationally I've let her go.

[needadvice1607308048]

I think you just need to ask her if things are ok between you, but if she was waiting for you then chances are it is ok. The line is thin but you can stop yourself from crossing it easily.

[Rickster]

Problem is, this topic has been like taboo between us. I don't mind asking her because I don't like to continually ask my mind and reassure myself of my actions - it's mentally draining. But if speaking about this topic makes her uneasy, I don't want to go down that route. And again, I feel that if she is ready to speak about this, then she will initiate it.

 

The cues I received about her openness was not only the waiting for me. It extends from the day before where she just came and spoke to my friend and I about this subject. And during class, we both communicated quite freely about the stuff we were supposed to do for class and how we couldn't understand or how we could tackle the problem. It may be me acting up on silly events like this and therefore making me feel this way, but I hope not.