He's been gone for 6months, I still want him back

[luxe_13]

My X broke up with me almost 6 months ago now. I was ok for awhile…started seeing someone else…life was good again…now I am stuck in a rut I can't seem to get out of. I still want my ex back and have no idea how to do it.

 

 

We have had close to no contact since we broke up. Has it now been long enough for me to call? I don't want to call to beg for him to come back. I just want to say hi …I want to slowly introduce him back into my life. I want him to see that the same person he fell in love with…but this time wiser and stronger.

 

I'm worried that if I continue waiting for him to see the light…my whole life will pass me by. Don't get me wrong it's not as though I haven't gotten on with my life. I have been relatively happy, and am keeping myself busy with work and going to the gym. I have also been going out and doing the things I want to do. But all my thoughts end up back with him. I still feel like he is the one. He is back in my dreams again (I didn't dream about him at all for ages). In my dreams, he comes back …everything is peaceful. We just hold each other.

 

I can't relate to anyone the way I did with him. I found him 2 years ago…and I found home.

 

He is an extremely stubborn person who does not know what he wants. He has been seeing someone casually for the past few months. So I know that this means he won't be experiencing a hole in his life without me there. He has put a nice big band-aid on the situation.

 

So enough rambling…. Should I contact him? I am going overseas for awhile so I thought maybe we could meet up before then…? The last time I saw him (about a month ago) he said he would like to catch up before I go….(I'll also mention here that he told a mutual friend of ours that I looked stunning when he saw me)

 

I know nothing should happen before I go o/s – I may be gone for a while. But I guess I just want him to take one last glance and remember me….I thought that the next step is maybe I could send him a postcard while I'm away

 

I don't know what else to do! I love him so much and I can't see this ever going away.

 

Any feedback would be so much appreciated.

 

 

Xx Luxe

[1Adam12]

You should just let it go..as blunt as it sounds and as hard as it seems he's probably not going to want to come back..maybe I'm wrong but if I were you I'd just leave it and let it be and just move on the best you can.

[GeeCee]

Luxe

 

I certainly think that enough time has passed for the NC rule (religiously advocated on this forum) to now be abandoned.

 

Good for you, you have done the right things - you have healed yourself. You have got on with your life, you even started a new relationship. But you still feel at a loss without your ex.

 

As long as you feel emotionally able to deal with anything that your ex throws at you, I would say, yes, call him. Keep it light, no talk of the past.

 

I think that you need to do this, for your own sake, as much as anything else. And as you say, you will be going away soon, so there is no chance of you both falling back into the same old relationship.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[February]

Hi Luxe,

Oh this is so hard. Please believe me when I say that there are others out there you will meet that you could potentially feel the same about again. If you want to see him before you go and that is truly what you want then call him and set it up but be prepared for it to hurt and for it not to make your feel better but possibly worse. I truly believe though that you only live once and you should regret anything so if for YOU, you want to see him and can handle it, be strong and even take hearing about the chippy he is seeing now, than do it to put your mind at ease and not to wonder. But if in your heart you KNOW it will hurt your chances of moving on and opening your heart potentially to the amazing people you will me overseas, then don't. Think about what YOU really really want-not what he will think about seeing you.

[luxe_13]

GeeCee, Thank You so much for your reply.

 

I really do want to call him. I guess I just have to be prepared to be very strong. I think I wil go into this expecting the worst.

 

I definitely don't want to continue th relationship we had....But i do see us formig a new, more mature relationship in the future.

I just need to find out (without asking him too directly) if he has any of the same thoughts...whether he has any feelings for me left..

 

I guess the only way of finding out is to see him face to face...

[luxe_13]

1Adam12 ,

 

You may be right, but what if the feelings just never leave? I have done my best to move on. I have not contacted him, i have gone out on dates, ihave not sat around moping.

 

I just feel it is stupid to pretend i don't feel anything anymore. It just feels like the right thing to do...

 

I don't know!

[luxe_13]

February , Thank You.

After many months of though, my feelings have changed many times. I have had time to reflect and compile my thoughts.

 

I do want him back.

 

I know this is pointless if he doesn't feel the same way. But I have to give this a shot.

 

I promise I will be strong. Maybe talking to him will make it worse. But I am prepared for it. At the moment I am in the land of the unknown.

[luxe_13]

A mutual friend of me and my X suggested that i write to him first. I have compiled a rough draft. Any input?:

 

 

"I thought emailing you would be best. I hate the phone!

I just want you to know. I've done alot of soul searching and I am ready to be your friend .

We were close once and I don't want to throw that away. You mean too much to me to do that.

I respect that you have a new girlfriend. I don't want to get in the way of that.

I do want you to be happy and I don't want anyone to feel awkward.

I'd love to see you before I go to Europe. We should catch up for a drink and a chat. Let me know how you feel."

 

 

What do you think? Note my ex said he wanted to be friends after we broke up, but i said i couldn't cause it hurt too much.

[LostinVan]

GeeCee, Thank You so much for your reply.

 

I really do want to call him. I guess I just have to be prepared to be very strong. I think I wil go into this expecting the worst.

 

I think a better approach would be to go in expecting the best, but also steel yourself for the worst.

 

If you go into whatever you do thinking the best possible outcome will happen, it will affect the way you actually *go into it*... in other words, if you go into your first contact thinking that things will be friendly, upbeat, relaxed even, then you will be friendly, upbeat and relaxed. Which will be a good thing!

 

The trick is, you have to prepare yourself for the worst scenario... yes, think it through, and most importantly, think how you would react... visibly of course. And think of ways you could react that will put you in the best possible light.

 

Think of it this way. If you go in expecting the best and are cheery and happy, and he's a dink, you could continue to be nice, smile, tell him no hard feelings on your part, etc etc, and the dink becomes a dork who looks (and I guarantee you) feels stupid. And you'll probably still feel okay after the "meet".

 

Food for thought?

 

LostinVan

[LostinVan]

"I thought emailing you would be best. I hate the phone!

I just want you to know. I've done alot of soul searching and I am ready to be your friend .

We were close once and I don't want to throw that away. You mean too much to me to do that.

I respect that you have a new girlfriend. I don't want to get in the way of that.

I do want you to be happy and I don't want anyone to feel awkward.

I'd love to see you before I go to Europe. We should catch up for a drink and a chat. Let me know how you feel."

 

Dissection time:

 

"I hate the phone". Presenting an image he will know well? If so, then show a tiny change... use the phone. Or use "in person".

 

"I am ready to be your friend". That's good. Soul searching comment is good too.

 

"You mean too much to me to do that..." Too much here. Heavy. If I were healing and such, and I was in your ex'es shoes, this would be clingy.

 

Girlfriend comments. Forgeddaboutit. Let *him* bring it up, the surprise him with a certain aloofness about it, as in "it's his life at the moment".

 

"I'd love to see you...." Don't use the word love in any context if you can. Not now.

 

Now, the rest of my thoughts. Don't send the letter. Use it as your diary entry or journal entry. Use it to get your thoughts together (a lesson I'm still learning and forgetting! please, no one think of me as a hypocrite!

 

I'm not clear about how you could initiate contact... could you drop in on him? Could you arrange it so it's a casual meet?

 

If you call, keep it light and breezy. Just say "I'm going to Europe soon, and I would really like it if we could get together over coffee or something before I go..." and see what happens. Keep it short and sweet.

 

Best of luck!

 

LostinVan

[luxe_13]

LostinVan,

 

Yes. I know what you mean. To tell you the truth I have been quietly confident that he still has feelings.

 

My encounters with him so far have left me feeling empowered. As I have been relaxed and happy around him. I know I have left him feeling a bit confused.

 

I think i will handle his presense with strength (even if i crumble straight after).

 

I will be sure to keep a smile on my face the whole time don't worry!

 

Thanks Again

[luxe_13]

Lostin Van,

 

So you think i should forget the email and just give him a quick call?

 

That's what i thought too. Written words are permanent.

 

Thanks for your wisdom. i will try to keep things as light as possible.