SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!

[dragomirescu]

Well, I won't ellaborate my story because I don't want to remember all the hurt, but I'll make a short summary (please excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker).

 

I broke up with my gf 2 moths ago. It had become a long distance relationship, we had our ups and downs, it's true that sometimes I took it for granted and neglected her, and this was the primary reason for which she left me. We had a very bad break up, with angry words and all other stuff that made averything worse than ever. I also have to admit that it was mostly my fault...During the time of our break up she had a 'supportive' friend whom she ended up dating after we broke up. This almost drove me insane!

 

I feel extremely depressed, I am full of guilt of remorse and whatif's.... My classes have taken a downhill, my financial situation is worse that ever...it's all so bleak.

 

I am aware that eventually I will get better but now I really need some help. I think I read almost everything related to break ups that I could find on search engines. They helped in a certain mesaure, but I truly need something more ellaborate, like an ebook or something.

 

So please, If anyone has one or has any ideea where I can find a free ebook for my situation please help me.

 

My email is email removed

[woobiegirl]

You are on the right track. Reading is very helpful. Try these...

 

Go on your search engine (I was on Yahoo) and type in "free e-book break ups"

 

It broght up dozens of free information for recovery from break-ups and more!

 

Good luck to you,

Woobiegirl

 

[spaceandtime]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, EXACTLY the same thing happened to me 5 months ago. I know what you're going through. Its utterly torturous and you wonder why you actually bothered. I've reached the point where all the pain I've endured over the past 5 months just doesn't make it worth the good times we shared. Anyway, that's unhelpful. Heres my advice:

 

1. TIME heals. But concentrate on making yourself happy again in the meantime.

 

2. Conquer your GUILT by learning to forgive yourself. You're human. We all make mistakes, and the only way we develop as people is by learning from our mistakes and discovering more about ourselves. No one is perfect.

 

3. Not sure what stage you're at in regards to the current situation between yourself and her. My advice, for now, NO CONTACT. Thinking of her with someone else ('supportive friend' or not) is NOT going to help you heal. For now, don't initiate any contact until you feel strong again.

 

4. I've read everything online. But the most interesting book I've read to date was this weekend called ON LOVE by Alan De Botton. I would save it though for a couple more months down the line, once you feel stronger, because a lot of his theories on things are quite deep, complex and interesting. But it charts a relationship he had with a girl that eventually came to an end, and just how he emerged through it. Also the fact is, that that was the first book he wrote, and has since become a world famous author!!!! So don't forget the power of hard times. They force us to look deeper within ourselves, and when we emerge we are usually deeper, more compassionate human beings.

 

5. In time, I promise things will get better. In the meantime, just keep learning about yourself and working out what will make you feel fulfilled and content again (NOT her though). Try new things, take it easy and keep thinking about the better times awaiting you. Or as Helen Keller put it:

 

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

 

Good luck. Keep us posted on how your getting on

[dragomirescu]

Thank you for your advice. I feel much better when I see that somebody else has gone through the same pain. Also it is very helpful to talk to somebody, but more important is to talk to somebody who truly understands what I feel.

 

When we first broke up, I talked to my family, my friends... They seemed to help, but after a while I think they got bored of all the situation and I started receiving advices like "Come on, there are so many fish in the sea", "Get on with your life" ...and other classics. If I think rationally, they are perfectly right, I have to go on with my life and of course there many other girls who will love me, but at the time being It offers little comfort.

 

Regarding my currently stage, well I don't know what to tell you exactly. We broke up on 2nd of February. My emotions are quite complex: sometimes I feel guilty thinking that had I been more supportive all this wouldn't have happened, then I get very angry because if she had truly loved me she wouldn't have broken up with me. Sometimes I feel so much anger that I wish something bad to happen to her.

 

I have moments when I feel reliefed, because deep down in my heart I know this was not the girl I wanted to marry. Sometimes I even put myself in her place, and I understand why she did it ..and I start to forgive her a bit....but then again comes the anger, the guilt, the acceptance....

 

So it seems that I am passing through all the stages of grief, but not in a certain order. I guess this is normal, and I hope that eventually it will pass.

 

What I want to ask you is how do you feel after 5 months? What are your feelings? Do you still feel guilty? How did you overcome the whole situation?

 

Thank you for your support and I'll keep you up to date with my situation!

[spaceandtime]

Believe me, I did a lot worse than 'not being supportive' in our relationship. And this is a girl I could have seen myself marrying! So you're not that bad!!!

 

I guess 5 months on, things begin to gradually settle down internally. You begin to realise that you are the person that you are, and while everyone has aspects of themselves that they need to work on, you can't effectively be anyone but yourself. One thing I do know, is that I have a very loving heart and a propensity to feel things very deeply. My challenge as a human being is to try and navigate my way through difficult issues, without stumbling into endless amounts of unnecessary drama, pain and hurt. Also need to learn to express emotions better.

 

So as time has passed, I've begun to see that things will get better again. And you gradually feel more control in your life, of yourself, of becoming a better person and finding happiness again. You also learn to appreciate all the things in life you might have previously taken for granted. And the feeling of emerging through and dealing with heartache and pain makes you a stronger and better person in the long run.....

[dragomirescu]

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it, and I'm sure things would have been much worse for me if I hadn't found this forum.

 

In general I feel better, but I have some moments when I don't know how to stop the toughts.

 

My suffering pattern (if I can put it like this) is as follows: in the evenings I feel better that ever, I have this feeling of relief, I start to see things clearly, I forgive myself and her, and have a positive view of life. I then go to sleep and when I wake up I have this huge feeling of loss and emptyness inside me. I go to the university, try to focus on classes and get on with my life.

 

But every day I have a period from about 15:00 to 19:00 when I feel completely miserable. Although I know I have to forgive myself I cannot stop thinking that If I had behaved differently she wouldn't have left. I start to regret all the bad things I said to her, all the messages I sent her.

Then I get very angry because now she's with another guy and imagine them having a wonderful life while mine has taken a serious downhill.

 

In those moments I see everthing bleak. I see myself with no self esteem, I feel ashamed for what I did, and don't even have the courage to ever see her. I am really tormented with toughts.

 

Then I fight it with all my powers and surft the net and read some of my downloaded articles and start to feel better....then the cycle starts again.

 

Well I have this pattern for 2 or 3 weeks and everytime it's the same. How can I make it stop. Why can't I keep the feeling of relief I get in the evening? For example while I'm writing this post I feel good and I think clear. But I know that when I'll wake up I'll start the same cycle and this tought scares me. How long will it last?

 

How did you cope with the toughts? I mean what did you actually do to overcome them? For me, advices like 'just forget it' or 'stop thinking' don't work...

[Screamindemonuk]

The clock your emotions play to is human. Mornings I used to find were the worst when I lost someone I loved. One thing I learn't through my experience is that you really have to look after yourself. I was determined I was going to become a better person, I started to go to a gym, respect my appearance more and treat the people around me that little bit better. As a result, channeling the emotion to make yourself better will help with bringing your self esteem up. You can't blame yourself.

[bubblerider]

Man I feel you're pain. I had a relationship end like that for me. NO CONTACT with her is the best when you have contact feelings come back to the surface good or bad it all comes flooding back. Its been 6 years since we broke up it took me 4 to fully recover from it. We had very hateful words towards each other it was a mess and very bad. No matter how hard I pushed to let go I couldn't I went back to him after 4 months of being apart we didn't last long at all!!! About a month then we were completely done and it was so hard. You will never forget this person but as time goes by it does feel better there's a gaping hole in your heart and longer and longer it doesn't fell as big anymore. Then one day when you know you're over it you just sigh and feel so much relief gone. Like a giant weight lifted off you're shoulders. And then you don't bare so much hatred toward them and you just hope for the best for them and that's it. Keep you're chin up it'll be ok. Just know that it was for the best and work on healing you're self yea there were hateful words said but forgive you're self and know that mistakes happen when I was real bad I wrote a note to my ex I wrote and wrote and wrote and after I was done I threw it away. It helped so much. But what also helps you feel better is just saying you're sorry for the ugliness don't make it a long letter maybe half a page saying you're sorry and you need to say this because you just feel bad about how things went. They don't have to reply I would put at the bottom please don't reply I just needed to let you know. Because as soon as you hear from them it's worse. Its like it's the first day breaking up again. So do what makes you feel better but just know that this too will pass  good luck

[jetset]

Hey, I can really relate to what you are going through. I have been in a very long relationship (6 years), and a month after we broke up, she started dating someone else at the same company where we both work. Here is my story: link removed , just to give you some context.

 

I was especially surprised to read your "suffering pattern", because I found it to be very similar to mine. I have also spent a great deal of time reading books and boards like this one, and I have found it to be very useful.

 

For me, mornings are by far the worst. I am having a lot of trouble getting up and motivating to do anything. Once I am up, I feel better relatively quickly. I have trouble concentrating at work, but somehow I manage to push myself to do it, and it is actually beneficial since it provides a sense of accomplishment and makes me feel better. When I get back home in the evening, I either make sure to have made plans with friends, or I go running outside. I actually dislike running as a form of exercise, but it invariably makes me feel better afterwards: exhausted, but also happier (it must be the endorphins released in your brain after intense physical effort).

 

As far as how long it will take for you to heal, no one really has the answer to that. It takes different amounts of time for different people. You must believe, however, that you will heal. Everyone on these boards will tell you that, and they are right. For me, it took 3 months to detect the slightest change in my feelings. I am not healed, but I am starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, which is a huge improvement.

 

You will get there too. It may take longer or shorter, but you will get there. I know it may seem impossible right now, and it feels like you are going through hell, but as Winston Churchill once said: "If you are going through hell, keep going".

 

Be sure to allow yourself to grieve completely. If you feel like hitting something, or crying, or yelling, do that. Do not bottle those feelings inside, they are venom and they will come out sooner or later when you least expect it. Society teaches men to be strong and not display emotion, but in these situations, you can do a lot of harm to yourself by hiding what you feel. What you feel is not a sign of weakness, quite the opposite: it means you loved deeply and this is what happens when you release it.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want, we can talk about this more.

[dragomirescu]

Thank you I really appreciate your support.

 

Today I'm having a really really bad day. I went home (we were both attending universtities in different cities) and all the memories came back. All the places we've been, all the beautiful moments we shared, but also the bad ones, the things that I did to her, the rage that now she's with this other guy.

 

I even took long walks in the town hoping just to see her. Why am I so stupid? Even now, after 2 months, I still have some moments when I fantasize about getting back. I know this is impossibile after all the things I said to her, especially that now she's dating this guy.

 

I try to concentrate on myself, but sometimes all this feelings seem to engulf me.

 

My situation is bleak becuause while we had a great relationship I did't make any new friends, and all my time was shared btw university classes and her.

 

Now she has supportive friends and a boyfriend to go out with, she has a wonderful life while mine has become a total wreck.

I know it's a mistake to cross-referrece out situations, but when I'm feeling miserable I can't help thinking what a mess my life has become.

 

Before meeting her I was happy, enjoyed life, enjoyed little things, enjoyed everything. Now I get depressed quickly although I fight the toughts with all my power and I try to keep confident that one day all this shall pass.

 

How I wish this pain to go away! If I were God or an angel or something I think the first thing I'd do for the mankind would be to instantly heal all the broken hearts. Every other problem in life can be more easly coped with than this one.

 

What a torture! After reading a lot of posts here I strongly believe that finally I will be ok, I will forgive myself for my mistakes, and I'll learn a lot from this experience. Sometimes I even wonder: If this will certainly pass, then why do I torment myself? Yeahh....must me this greiveing process...at times I really hate it, especially when I go back to a stage I tought it passed.

 

 

This morning I had the urge to call her and to smoke (We had no contact in 1.5 months and I quit smoking since we broke up and I swore to give up).

 

Well now I'm so glad I didn't do (both of them). I would have felt more humiliated for having called her and my self estem would have gone even lower if I smoked.

 

Sometimes life is so hard...so hard. Sometimes I hate her so much for causing me so much pain ...then I hate myself cause I know most of this pain comes from my actions....

 

I'm waiting for the evening to come, I hope to feel a little better!

 

I'll keep you up with my situation, maybe that day will come when my post will describe that wonderful feeling of relief I heard some people talking about..

 

Again, thank you for your support!

[Emmylu]

I think you were on to something when you said that you have no support friends. That's really important. You need some social group where you can go and see that your friends are still there, even though she's gone.

I have a few suggestions and thoughts for you to consider:

 

1. Try not to spend too much time alone. Maybe join a sports team. Also, exercise will stimulate certain chemicals in your body and you'll feel better.

 

2. At least she is not dead, no? Sometimes I do ask people: would you rather see your ex with someone new or killed in a car crash. If you still care about her enough that you want her to live, then give her your blessings and by doing so, you will find some peace.

 

3. As long as she is alive, there's still hope. Now I'm not saying you should hang on to hope of getting back together with her. If you try that, you'll be even more miserable and it won't work. But it has happened to me where I grief really hard for a long time over a breakup. And then two years later, when I've moved on, the guy tells me he wants to get back together. So I'm thinking to myself: Geez! If I had known that, I wouldn't have felt so sad earlier. Doesn't mean I would have waited two years for him. But I wouldn't have had such a fatalistic view of the situation.

 

4. This also relates to (3) above: Life is funny - you never know what will happen. Do you believe in fate? Maybe you're meant to marry another girl, whom you have yet to meet. If so, how will that happen, unless the relationship ends with this girl now? If you're destined to marry someone else and have children with her, how will those children get born if you don't move on to your future wife?

 

5. Life is supposed to have ups and downs. We have sunny days and rainy days. That's the cycle of things all around us. You said you were happy before, so why shouldn't you get some unhappiness for awhile? After you've suffered through this period, things will brighten up again.

 

That all for now. Take Care.

[jetset]

I try to concentrate on myself, but sometimes all this feelings seem to engulf me.

 

If you feel like your feelings are taking over sometimes, then allow them to do that! I know it may seem scary, maybe you think that if you feel really sad you will never come out of it, but you will feel better after you grieve them through.

 

My situation is bleak becuause while we had a great relationship I did't make any new friends, and all my time was shared btw university classes and her. Now she has supportive friends and a boyfriend to go out with, she has a wonderful life while mine has become a total wreck.

 

I was in the same exact situation. We had some close friends in common, and after we broke up, some of those friends found it too difficult to spend time with us separately, so they ended up gravitating towards her (presumably because she either came accross as stronger/happier, or because she was a woman and they felt more empathetic towards her). I was pretty torn up both because I felt I needed the support more and because they chose her over me. In sum, I basically found myself almost without close friends (I had some close friends in other cities, but no one nearby).

 

What I ended up doing is forced myself to go out and join some sports teams, meet with people with similar interests, and smile and laugh as much as possible. It was very difficult to appear happy when inside I was basically dead, but this has helped me both feel better and make some new friends.

 

Remember that if you're sad and depressed, people can tell, and they tend to avoid you. Yes, it's cruel and unfair, and even though it is hard to force yourself to appear happy, it is good for you in more ways than one.

 

I know it's a mistake to cross-referrece out situations, but when I'm feeling miserable I can't help thinking what a mess my life has become.

 

I know, I felt the same things, I felt like I will never meet anyone as good for me as she was, and I felt like my life just didn't make any sense. When I thought these things, I would cry myself silly, and then force myself to go outside and run or go to the bookstore and drink some coffee and browse through magazines and look at other people.

 

Before meeting her I was happy, enjoyed life, enjoyed little things, enjoyed everything. Now I get depressed quickly although I fight the toughts with all my power and I try to keep confident that one day all this shall pass.

 

This is because your memory of her is still too recent. As more time will pass, you will feel better. You just have to trust this, it's as simple or as complicated as that. I never thought I would get better, but with every day that passes, I feel less bad and more good.

 

I read somewhere that being in a close relationship like this is like a drug. When the relationship ends, you basically go through withdrawal from that drug. You want to do anything to just get another hit of the drug, it seems like nothing matters in life except getting more of that drug. People heal from addiction to drugs, just like you will heal from this relationship. Just give it time and take strength in the fact that your suffering will end someday.

 

Sometimes I even wonder: If this will certainly pass, then why do I torment myself? Yeahh....must me this greiveing process...at times I really hate it, especially when I go back to a stage I tought it passed.

 

Grieving means having bad days and good days. They are not predictable, even if you have many good days in a row, you can still have a really bad day afterwards. You will realize you are healing when the bad days start to become more and more rare and the good days more and more common.

 

I'll keep you up with my situation, maybe that day will come when my post will describe that wonderful feeling of relief I heard some people talking about.

 

That day will come and you will feel that much stronger when it does because you will look back at what you went through and say "I was stronger than that bleak despair I went through".

[dragomirescu]

Well, I think things will get a bit rough for me for a while.

If you read my previous posts you probably know about my 'suffering pattern' - feeling horrible in the morning, better in the evenings - but now it's getting worse.

 

After long strugle in my head I think I finally accepted that she'll not come back and sunk into depression. I feel so low...I lost interest in everything. I am aware I have to get better but the feeling of hoplessness is to strong.

 

I don't feel like eating, I lost interest in school, I really don't care what happens tomorrow. I can sleep but I always get up with her in my mind.

It's evening now, and I tought I should have felt better but I'm very depressed, I feel guilty and have no clue how to overcome the whole situation.

 

On the 2nd of April there will be 2 months since we broke up.

I feel really really low...Although I know it's stupid, my heart tells me that I'll never find anyone like her, that she was so perfect...bla bla.

 

How can I overcome this? Did this happened to you? How long did it last? How did you cope with it?

 

I am left with no motivation at all. Today I sat all day long in my bed feeling miserable.

 

I felt better a few days ago, I had a ray of hope, now the tunnel seems to have no end... I even hate myself, I say "I am so weak, so hopeless, she was just a gril, she doesn't even love me, why can't I move on...?"

 

What shall I do? I feel like nothing, I have lost interest in everthing...

 

Please give me some advice, especially if you felt like this before. I hate to read the optimistic articles and the 12-step programs on the Internet over and over again. They seemed to help but now I can't stand them.

[jetset]

How can I overcome this? Did this happened to you? How long did it last? How did you cope with it?

 

I went through very similar feelings. I think it lasted for at least two months, maybe more (and although I am not completely healed, I am getting better). Here are some of the things I did to cope with it:

 

1. Always keep busy. This is difficult, but it's really important. It does not matter what you do: it could be scrubbing the floor, running outside, going for a walk, calling parents, calling relatives -- anything. Do not lay in bed and think about her or about what could have been. You really need to force yourself to do this, and although it is hard, you can do it. When you do these things, they might feel meaningless, but they are therapeutic. Think of it as taking a sour pill -- it will taste bad, but it will be good for you.

 

2. Let your feelings surface. I bought a book called "Chicken Soup for the Single Soul" and kept reading stories from it about people who have broken up or lost their spouses. Almost all the stories are very inspiring, or sad, or both, and I would cry as hard as I could to let my hurt surface. At first, I was worried that crying would make me dislike myself even more (for appearing weak!), but it's actually very helpful. Sometimes, when I felt blue for no reason, I was actually looking forward to coming home and doing a good round of crying, because I knew I would feel better afterwards. There are some sad movies you can rent that might help you do the same thing.

 

3. Meditate. Go to link removed (you will need "Real Player" to listen to the meditations). At first, these meditations would make me cry, after doing them for a while, they just made me feel better and more calm with myself.

 

I am left with no motivation at all. Today I sat all day long in my bed feeling miserable.

 

Do not do this (stay in bed and feel miserable). Either cry until you get bored, or force yourself to get out of bed and do something, anything.

 

why can't I move on...?

 

The reason it seems like you cannot move on is because your heart will take time to catch up with your rational mind. In your mind, you have moved on, but the heart almost always takes longer. I went (and I am still going) through much the same thing. Eventually, your heart will catch up, and you can help it along the way. Cry, feel as sad as you need to, then get busy with anything, then cry some more.

 

What shall I do? I feel like nothing, I have lost interest in everthing...

 

You have to go through this cry/get busy phase. The "get busy" part might seem hard, simply because you have no motivation, but try to think of it as medication. Anything you do, no matter what it is, is medication, and you need to do it on a schedule, even though you may hate it or not feel like doing it at all.

 

You will get through this!

[dragomirescu]

Hello again everybody, especially you jetset and sorry for not posting for a while. The good part is that I'm feeling much better.

 

It doesn't mean that I'm over it, and I still have that feeling in my stomach in the mornings (although less intense). But I started to see things more clearly, especially regarding my relationship patterns.

 

I've been doing an analysis of all my relationships and I've discovered some interesting things about myself. (Here you can find a very interesting article on this issue: link removed)

 

[a short break here: when i entered this link one word contained in it appeared as *beep*, replace this word with the reverse of sehctib - it seems like this forum does not allow bad words]

 

Well, I hate to admit it but almost all my relationships ended badly, and (except two cases) I always got dumped.

Another problem for me is that I tend to choose the 'challenge' type of girl (my last girlfriend falls into this cathegory too). You know that type of girl that you like when you see her, but she gets more beautiful and more interesting when another guy comes into action? That was exactly what happened in my case.

 

But there are other mistakes I tend to overlook, that sooner or later affected my relationships. I always put too much emphasis on looks rather than character. Don't get that I date girls only for their body and sex, what I want to say is that the way a girls looks is important to me, that's why I ovelook other aspects of her.

 

My last girlfirend was indeed very beautiful, but there were some differences between us. For example, we didn't like the same kind of music, our educational backgrounds were different so in this area there weren't many things to discuss....etc.

 

So, after a closer examination of our relationship from my part, I can honestly say that the main things that drove us apart was the lack of many common interests. In the beginning was the euforic stage of infatuation, then followed the sex, and at that time everything seemed perfect. But later I realised that we were somehow different, and along the way I started to develop some doubts. Of course, I said to myself that this is normal, after the euforic stage every couple passes through these moments when the newness fades, but for me this developed into an uneasiness and a feeling that something is wrong. Of course most of the time I felt great, but during the last months these feelings increased in intensity. The result was an endless cycle of arguments, a constant fatigue for me, bad sex and a low self-esteem. As I later found out she was already seeings somebodyelse before we broke up, so what I took as a shock at that time was no surprise for her.

 

Well, the story is much more complex that this, but I can cleary start to see were I made my mistakes in the first place and begin to understand that the mistakes that followed were triggered by these first mistakes and I start to forgive myself for what I did to cause the breakup.

 

As I said before, I am sure that I'll still have good days and bad days because I still miss her and I'm a little jealous that she has a life that doesn't include me but these feelings decreased in intensity.

 

Sometimes I'm scared a little, and I say to myself "Isn't all this happening too fast?". I read stories of people who even after 6 months couldn't recover and were very depressed, and I wonder if it is normal that after 2 months to realize that my relationship had started with major mistakes in the first place and to already feel better.

 

Now maybe you say to yourselves "You'll get back into depression don't worry, it's all just a temporary relief", but in the last weeks my mood altered between these two states and I have to say that it never felt like in the last month.

 

I started to see things in a different light, and I can cleary say that there is hope and that I'll find someone better. It's a scarry process, cause in my heart I know that I started to let go and somehow there will be no chance to go back when this happens (stupid isn't it?) but I also know that I really really have to LET GO and to get on with my own life.

 

Anyway, if something different will happen I'll let you know. Now we have our Easter holiday, and I'll go home for about two weeks. I'll surely run into some of our common friends, her family or (I hope not) her. I am very curious how my heart will react.

 

Again, thank you all for your support!

[mogurl]

at least you realize you CAN let go...*cries*...I did some of the same exact things to my boyfriend of a year. I tried to push him away it seemed...I was so scared of losing him that i actually pushed him out. now he has a new gf...and I cant get over him.

But to top it off...I'm pregnant. I didnt find out until we had broken up and he got this new girl. I'm miserable and your story just hits so close to home....