Should I wait or start moving on? Extremely mixed signals.

[MalevolentMime]

J and I were together for a little more than two years. I had no clue that anything was wrong before he left me; there was zero indication that he was unsatisfied with our relationship. He stopped by my house Sunday night after work and said, "It's not going to work out between us." I asked him, Why not? He said that I was too pessimistic and cynical and that I brought him down. Of course, I was confused and devastated; I was used to him telling me what "fun" I am.

 

We decided to see each other a couple of days later, to talk things out. He ended up confessing that he'd been talking to a former flame--one he'd tried to seduce while we were still together, some time back--for about a week. He also confessed that he isn't colourblind (he's consistently told everyone in his life that he is, and I believed it for the entire two-year length of our relationship), and that he doesn't get off work around eleven like he told me he did (he usually called around midnight). Instead, he gets off at nine. I still don't know what he did with those three extra hours.

 

He also said that blaming my "cynicism" was "cowardly" and that the truth was that his love had simply "shut off." I asked him, when did he realise that his love had "shut off"? He said that he wasn't sure and that he needed time to figure things out, because he felt confused and ashamed of himself. I said, okay. Later that night, he pulled me toward him and kissed me several times and said, "If I can't figure out the little parts of my life without the most important part, I'm doing it wrong." I asked if we were back together, and he said that we were.

 

The next night--the first time we'd spoken since we formally got back "together"--he called to say that he was going to spend the night with a friend. I felt a little hurt and abandoned; my heart was still broken and I was still in shock from the past few days, so I let him know through my tears that I had been waiting to talk to him, and I asked him, How he could treat life so normally when everything was still fresh and stinging and quite the opposite of normal? He said he didn't know. I apologized for crying, asked him to be careful, told him to have fun, and said, "I love you." He said that he would, and that he loved me, too.

 

The next morning, he didn't call like he said he would. I called to make sure he was okay. He said he wasn't, and that "It isn't going to work." (Sound familiar?) I asked him why he was so determined to believe that it just. won't. work., and he said that I "blame everyone else for [my] feelings."

 

However, he claims that he still wants to be my "best friend." So far, we've talked every day since the breakup, and today he stopped by so we could exchange some things. (I wanted something of his back that I'd given him, to help me get through the heartache, and there were some things I wanted to give back to him, as well.) I didn't expect him to want to stay, but he asked if he could come inside, and then he sat on my bedroom floor with me and we talked for a while. He asked for a hug several times, said "I love you" once or twice, and then said, "You're my best friend." When he left, he said, "Later, love," a ritual we had when we were still together.

 

Part of me thinks that he just wants space, and that there's a chance he'll eventually miss me enough to want to come back. I'd be willing to wait for that, except that he's lied to me *so* much. Ideally, I'd accept his friendship and be his "best friend," and he'd spend some time sorting out his thoughts, and then we'd get back together and work on our individual faults, and come through the experience stronger than ever. But part of me is scared that he doesn't really want to come back. On the other hand, I'm scared that he *will* want to come back, and I'll just get hurt more than I already have been.

 

Should I wait? Or should I move on?

 

(Sorry about the extremely long post.)

[velvette]

woah. he sounds absolutely horrid. I can't stand dishonesty in a relationship. best friend?? lying to you about being colorblind (and for what reason!) as well as the time he got off work? not a keeper.

 

make yourself ready to move on. don't wait, he obviously isn't. if he chases you down in the future then you can rethink it, but I actually think NC is the best way to go right now. best friend? naah

[SapphireNoir10]

Would you want a man who is so dishonest and cruel to you? Who chases an old flame whilst with you and plays with your emotions so easily. Does he not think what hes doing to you here at all?

 

I'd go NC from him. And if he wants to come back, properly, he can, until then ignore him.

[WomanWriter]

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think when he went out with his friend that he cheated on you! The next day, he probably felt guilty and broke it off for good.

[odile]

He wants to be your "best friend", but it really doesn't sound like he's been a very good friend at all.

Lying for TWO YEARS about colour-blindness? Being dishonest about his work schedule?

Meeting up with an ex; "one he'd tried to seduce while (you) were still together"?

Trying to make you feel bad about yourself so as to shift responsibility?

 

No, this guy doesn't sound like a very good friend at all.

[MalevolentMime]

Thank you to everyone who responded.

 

The status quo: He's just asked Hannah (who's not his ex, but a girl he tried to hook up with once before when our relationship was still relatively young) whether she wants to be in a committed relationship with him. She's already in a relationship, so God only knows what she'll say to that, though she's already explicitly stated that she doesn't want to be anything more than J's friend.

 

J and I talked again yesterday, and he said that he wants me to be his non-romantic best friend (as usual), and then proceeded to say that he "doesn't know how" he wants me in his life; I said, "You'd like it if we stopped talking for a while, wouldn't you?" He basically said yes. I said, "But you're not going to stop talking to Hannah, are you?" He told me that no, he wasn't going to stop talking to her.

 

So I told him that I wanted zero contact with him until he figures out "how" he wants me back in his life, if he wants me in it at all. I broke down later last night and sent him a message asking whether she'd agreed to be with him, and shortly thereafter sent another message conveying that I don't want to know and shouldn't have contacted him in the first place. He didn't respond to either message, so there hasn't technically been correspondence, but I still regret having done it.

 

I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't want space to figure anything out; he just wants space from me because he feels guilty about the ways in which he's lied to me and betrayed my trust, and I guess feeling that kind of guilt puts a pretty big damper on the whole charm-the-new-lady routine, doesn't it? So, of course, his solution is to get rid of me for a while.

 

I initiated the NC, but I have a sick feeling in my stomach that that's what he wants.

 

I deleted all his old e-mails, messages, and text-messages, and removed his numbers from my phone. I have them memorized, but I don't want to hit speed-dial and do something stupid in a moment of weakness. Again.

 

I know he's a scoundrel, but I still love him, and I'm still utterly in shock that this has happened to us. It all came completely out of nowhere, and I have no idea how to cope with what he's done. He really broke my heart, and I feel like I wasted the past two years of my life giving him my love, commitment, and partnership. It's a devastating feeling to think that he may never have loved me in the first place, so I can't even look back on what I would have thought were fond memories without wondering, Was that just part of the big charade?

 

I don't know how long it'll be before he winds up calling--if he does.

 

It's pretty excruciating.

[loulee]

Move on....Stop waiting for a call.. stop rehashing if and whats and maybes and look forward to what next...NC is the best for you and i have no doubt he will try and get in contact with you....use your time wisely and start looking forward...you need some stability in your life....your esteem is very low because currently you are waiting for this guy to phone...dont fear being alone..find your own happiness...you will get beyond this only when you set your mind to doing just that......im sorry your hurting...learn from it....you will not find long term happiness with a man who is grossly immature...a liar..a cheat and treats you and your relationship with him as you would a redisposable item...you are far more than that...rise above this and value yourself like you deserve.