A Little Down

[neva_black_n_white]

hey everyone.

since i usually ask for answers to questions i cant find i guess i wanted to do the same but apply it to the way i feel this time.

so any answers or maybe someone who relates then a responce would be greatful:

 

My questions

1 have you ever wanted to scream but u were so scared that you made nothing but a whisper?

 

2 have you ever wanted to cry so hard that those tears become dry?

 

3 have you ever wanted to be held so much but because of its reason all you can do is repel?

 

4 have you ever wanted to listen but lost the meaning of words?

 

5 ever used a metaphor to represent the depths of your fears?

 

i have, but how do you stop? how do you learn? to cry? to scream? to hold? to listen? when everything becomes that little bit too much?

 

6 and finally how do you learn to say no when you are so used to saying yes or saying nothing at all?

 

 

 

thanks everyone, i reckon i just needed to vent, since i feel a little better now, i believe some of my questions may be rhetorical but i'll remain to search for answers.

thanks for at least listening, well reading.

kel

 

p.s. i think you can apply a lot of these to different scenarios, and i think a few people will see that.

[avman]

Hi Kel,

 

Yeah I think we've all felt that way at one time or another. When emotions have been bottled up for a LONG time and they are bursting to get out some really strange things can happen to your body.

 

Of course, reading this leads me to believe there is something going on in your life that is really, really bothering you. I'd like to help if I can.

 

You can PM me if you'd prefer. Hang in there Kel. Its gonna be alright.

 

avman

[neva_black_n_white]

Thanks Avman, you always seem to be there for me, which is really nice, and if you dont mind me saying, some means of suuport.

I do appreicate the offer of suuport, but as you can see metaphors are as close to opening up as i get, this is why emotions and feelings get bottled up, by expressing things in means of metaphors is the only way i attempt to express recently, and if a person is a little too good at analysing i move away from the situation.

 

i dont mind feeling this way, because i believe that there are a lot of people worse of than me, its just maybe one day in a while, like you said, the bottle lid just has to burst off, and when emotions are stored there usually all negative.

 

i tend to deal with things and problems will pass, venting just allows me to realise it, and in some sense i can then look back in a couple of months and realise that maybe i can scream or listen or say NO. its just a matter of getting there.

 

so i think i might have to stay with my metaphors for a little while, and if i ever PM you a riddle, its basically because i am insecure and you may have to read in between the lines, but still thats an IF and under large measures.

 

i'll be ok i think i mean all you have to do is smile through the pain right?

kel

[avman]

Hmmmm, ok well I'm certainly not going to force you if you aren't ready to open up just yet. But I will share a few things with you.

 

Emotions aren't meant to be stifled and bottled up inside. They don't like that. And they start chewing you up from the inside out. Its not a pretty picture. They can make you physically sick, send you into a depression, mess with your concentration, and ultimately they WILL find a way of coming out. The problem is when they've been bottled up for a long time you lose control over when and where they decide to make an appearance. So its just a word of warning to you.

 

Just because there are lots of people worse off, does not mean that the feelings you have are not important. They ARE important. Because they are about you and affect you. And to those people who love you and care about you, it will matter to them what you are feeling. They won't care that it isn't the worlds biggest tragedy. If you are just feeling alone for no particular reason, a true friend will give you a hug and spend some time with you to make you feel better. And they won't even give it a second thought. Because they know you would do the same for them.

 

Smiling through the pain does not make it go away. In fact, it gives it power. Pain that you hold onto feeds itself and become MORE powerful. Once you let that pain out, it loses power over you. Because now you aren't spending your energy trying to hide it and ignore it. Once its out, now you can spend your energy HEALING from it.

 

I'm rambling on now, but maybe this makes a little sense. The offer of support stands. Or even just a shoulder to lean on and somebody to listen. You are a good person, and what you feel does matter.

 

avman

[neva_black_n_white]

You have made a lot of sense in what you say, and not that it wasnt required, because it was, but i can and already know this information because i am able to give it to others, if you look at the number four, saying have you ever wanted to listen but lost the meaning of words, that is me, i can listen to everything you say but my mind does not process this information, yes it remains but i dont believe i act on it, yeah it might be fear but then again it may not.

 

i know what bottling emotions results in, my sisters has clinical depression and we believe my mother has, i know every way or most ways it happens and generally how it can be prevented but i dont process. id take note of this (not that im demanding) just this is the first part i have opened up about, after saying i find it difficult, i have now given you the reason why.

 

that where the question 6 enroles it self in, other than the past which i prefer to leave where it is, its meaning how do you say no to something that is happening to you, whilst at the moment your letting it happen, its a matter or having too much pressure applied and then forcing its out come, if the odds are stacked against you, you may still try but it reamins that you will not succeed without will power. something i still have to gain.

 

hopefully i am making sense because i dislike to go over something im reluctant to tell.

 

i may still matter but there are others, like i remain to put that brave little face on and answer others, its who i am, its the way i live and the way i go on.

 

i guess ive rambled on and become a little self conscious so im going to end this post here.

 

but i appreciate what you have said and the shoulder to lean on, because i probably do need it, but not just yet. im still capable of holding those last few thngs in.

kel

 

p.s. i can see the perspective of feeding the negative through smiling through it, but when your used to one method its hard to change.

[lisaria]

What happens when it's the exact opposite? I have tried to be strong and smile and keep things going so others don't know how hard a time I am having keeping it together. Especially at work. I can talk to my dept. head about anything, we are more friends and I have cried on her shoulder so many times when I found out about the cheating and the lies and she is so very understanding. But I have still laughed and joked and tried to act as normal as possible in front of everyone else. But at work on Friday I just lost it. I had some questionable news from my doctor and I just started crying and I couldn't stop. It was like everything just built up and I couldn't control it. I don't know how to control my emotions sometimes and that is so unacceptable to me. Especially at work. I went into the office and shut the door, but everybody knew I was crying. Now I don't want to face them Monday morning. I haven't even lost it like that in front of my kids since the first week we split. I'm trying to be strong for them and not let them see me hurting. Does anyone have any ideas? How can I keep my emotions in check at work? I don't have to work for the public thank God. I'm on a computer all day, in an open area in the back and people are in and out all day long. I really need some advice on this. Please help.