newlife21 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 yes, it is so heart breaking. when they had earned our trust, they become the ones who hurt us most. today, my guy kept asking me " are you ok" when i was quiet. i felt ok, he was trying to show concern. i was thinking inside, where were you when i was breaking down and dying and hoping you would ask me the simple question are you ok? overtime, we will learn what is "REALITY". bear in mind no one is obligated to give us anything, no one owes us anything. so, when someone doesn't give us what we want, he is not wrong. as long as we learn that we don't have the right to blame, we will not be hurt easily. when we are strong and independent in thinking, guys would be all over you because you would be so charming inside out by then ! Link to comment
skyblue69 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 so, when someone doesn't give us what we want, he is not wrong. as long as we learn that we don't have the right to blame, we will not be hurt easily. Someone? We're not talking about a complete stranger. We're talking about a Significant Other! Big difference. when we are strong and independent in thinking, guys would be all over you because you would be so charming inside out by then ! Uhm, not exactly. A lot of guys are turned off by "strong and independent." People prefer those who are themselves. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 today, my guy kept asking me " are you ok" when i was quiet. i felt ok, he was trying to show concern. i was thinking inside, where were you when i was breaking down and dying and hoping you would ask me the simple question are you ok? See, when he last talked to me on the phone, and he told me about how our relationship was not ending and he was not kicking me out of his life, it was just that there needed to be some adjustments and that we were friends and how he would always be there for me and not let anyone hurt me and blah blah blah, well all I can think is you are hurting me and I need you now...and especially since he will not talk to me now, all i want is a simple how are you? I just want a hug, or just to cry on his shoulder...He was there for me when there was nothing life altering going on, and now that there is, he has completely disappeared, and I feel like I want to scream at him WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU??? Link to comment
newlife21 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 i feel that even towards a significant other, it is still good not to expect too much. or put it this way, learn to focus of the other person's needs too and not only on our own needs. everyone has a right to put his own needs first, human nature. when the other person cannot meet your need, maybe it is because he has to meet his own needs first, which conflict with yours. why should he meet your needs first? are his needs not important? of course, we also make judgement like, what are his reasons for doing this. is a lot of give and take. i don't know the answer how strong/independent a woman should be in order to be attractive. imo should be at least not to break down easily, not to appear desperate, have financial ability, not to be a loose canon, better EQ, able to stay calm. this is pretty charming enough. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 See, in my opinion, as soon as you label someone your gf or bf certain expectations come along with that title. I expected to be able to trust him with my emotions. I did not realize that he was going to mess with them like he did..I gave him my heart...With me, I was willing to drop whatever I was doing to serve to his needs...With him, I always came last..he never put anything off and delayed anything for me... Even until the last second, when he called to break up with me, he had just finished moving...and he had boxes to unpack..and after he gave me the horrible news, and I began to cry, he was like I need to get going I have to start unpacking, and I told him that it could wait and we needed to talk about things a little more, and I just thought he sort of owed me an explanation for all of it..and to him it was like no I planned to unpack some boxes today and even though you are crying you can deal with it, and I am going to go unpack...I mean its not like the box is going to get up and run away or anything..it can wait, can it not??? Link to comment
newlife21 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 See, when he last talked to me on the phone, and he told me about how our relationship was not ending and he was not kicking me out of his life, it was just that there needed to be some adjustments and that we were friends and how he would always be there for me and not let anyone hurt me and blah blah blah, well all I can think is you are hurting me and I need you now...and especially since he will not talk to me now, all i want is a simple how are you? I just want a hug, or just to cry on his shoulder...He was there for me when there was nothing life altering going on, and now that there is, he has completely disappeared, and I feel like I want to scream at him WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU??? YES! exactly! i don't understand either how they can turn cold within such a short time. i personally would not do that to someone i cared for before, i won't even do that to a normal friend. so, he has shown his true colors to you now, like what he said before doesn't count anymore, and it hurts like hell. is this the first time he is treating you this way? my bf did this to me a few times, he is a complete different person when we fight. even i told him i wasn't feeling well he wouldn't care. by the way, that book addresses all these problems. it helps me to forgive and look at things in another perspective. i find it easier to cope now. so much easier. Link to comment
newlife21 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 personally i feel that he is acting like a jerk regarding how he is treating you in this incident. i am not saying we should find excuse for him and still think that he is right. no, i think he is immature and even irresponsible. when i say we should focus on other peoples' needs, it is implied more to the activities during good times. becos personally, i didn't do a good job, i created fights out of normal good times. so i realise i am too responsible to why my bf becomes irritated with me. once i caused him to be irritated, i feel that i cannot really start to judge how he treats me after that. because during good times, he is good to me. Link to comment
newlife21 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 sweetie, i need to go off for now. keep posting if you need to, i will be back to talk to you again. stay positive, there is always hope. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Oh and wait, I have finals coming up all next week, and he knows that... He picked such a perfect time to give me horrible news...And his conclusion was instead of spending time on the phone with me, you can spend that extra time studying.. And all I can think is how in the world am I going to be able to focus with him on my mind? With what he did to me? I mean I have all of these unanswered questions going through my mind, and I just wish he would give me the chance to talk to him... Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 lol, well thank you, I got to get going as well I have some studying to do...I hope to talk to you soon... you have been amazing helping me battle through this...I feel like I can understand this break up more clearly... Link to comment
newlife21 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 i am honoured if i could help even a little bit. he could not give you closure now, doesn't mean he can't give you in near future. you can live without closure for a while, tell yourself this. remember to eat well, you need energy to battle this. also, a break up may not be a breakup forever, is a learning opportunity to make you a better person. i will be around to read your post if you need to. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 I just messaged you through the mail portion of the website..I do not know if I did it correctly, but if I did not, then i was just saying thank you...you have been great..as many friends and family (what little family I can talk to this issue about) I feel like no one is compassionate about it...Everyone just tells me move on...whats wrong with you? why are you so hung up on him? and when I tell them I guess they have never loved anyone, they say they have, but when i love someone I give them my all, and I was stupid for doing that... lol, and all I can think is gee thanks for the late warning... Link to comment
skyblue69 Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 I totally agree with you. Whenever someone flippantly says "MOVE ON" it does NOT help whatsoever. "Just move on." Riiiight. Easy for THEM to say. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 My situation wasn't exactly the same, but the overall reason was: he wanted to "find" himself, focus on himself, be independent. That's what he wants so I don't bother trying to change his mind. You can't. I tried to reason with him at first but he made up his mind and would not hear me out. What does bother me is that we had been together for 7 years, engaged, and he did not dicuss this issue with me beforehand. I assume that you would have appreciated it if your ex discussed these feelings beforehand with you without just throwing out his decision. It seems disrespectful to you to just make these decisions in their heads, without having a chance to change our part. I have to admit though, calling that many times a day was not a good idea! I only called my ex (fiance at the time) once a day...or once every couple days... and even he thought THAT was too much because he was so pressured with life. I thought he was being unreasonable but then I realized he has issues and it was best if I just left him to them. Sadly, people do not realize what they are saying when they say they "still love you" (mine said he'd "always love me"), yet they are walking away. I understand they want to focus on themselves, but why at the cost of a relationship? Can't a person do both? I guess some people can't handle it. I would have been willing if given a chance but the decision was made for me before I even had a say, probably discussed with his brother the night before...too bad it wasn't decided with ME since I was with the guy for 7 years! Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 lol, yeah just move on...and I am like how is that even possible...I feel like every part of my life somehow has him incorporated into it. The other day I was sitting on my bed and I looked out and saw my feet. As soon as I saw them, I burst into tears because I remembered he used to make fun of my feet...Another thing is that I like to wear perfume everyday, but there is this one perfume that he especially likes and I wear it the days I know I am going to see him, so the other day my little sister was like can i borrow some perfume and she used it, and as soon as I smelled it I began to cry. I mean there are an endless number of things that I deal with on a daily basis, but now after my relationship with him, everything has this long sentimental meaning behind it, and I do not now how to avoid thinking about him and "Move On" like people say to...I mean I could get rid of the things that remind me of him, but lol what about things like my feet??? lol Honestly, how does a person move on when EVERYTHING about their life somehow relates to their ex? Thats what I need to understand... Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Omg, thats horrible...I truly feel for you..I mean I think one of the worst things a guy can do (other than cheating) is make up his mind on something and not hear you out. Guys have the worst communication skills. For the most part, I think if a girl is with a guy, then she will try her very best not to hurt them and if she tells them she loves them then is has a deeper and more committed meaning than when a guy says it. Girls are more sensitive towards peoples feelings..When guys say it, I feel like they do not truly mean it and it is just something to say at the moment. And after my break up, I realize that guys do not care how bad they hurt you, as long as they get there way...lol, now I am just generalizing, so guys dont hate me.. But, did you and your ex talk after? My ex is COMPLETELY ignoring me, and I am very desperate to talk to him.. Link to comment
JBag Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 OK... there is a huge lack of a man's point of view in this thread. I haven't completely followed everything here, but I'll lay down my $0.02. It sounds to me that he was simply comfortable in the relationship. However, it really started to bother him when you were calling all of the time. I've been on the giving end and the receiving end of this kind of thing. I was in a good relationship when I was 19. I fell in love almost instantly, but I guess she didn't feel the same. I kept calling her over and over and she finally snapped, and left. I was heartbroken for a very long time. It hurt, but I overcame it. A couple of years later, I was on the receiving end of it. I had a girlfriend who was infatuated with me at 3 months and would not leave me alone. This was at the point where I was starting my upper division major courses at college, so I did not have a lot of free time. I couldn't handle the smothering, so I left. It hurt me to do so because I cared for her, but I had my life priorities... and these priorities were VERY important. I could not let someone I wasn't actually in love with get in the way of the final years of my education. It sounds like this may be a similar situation. Again, I don't think I fully understand the details here, but it sounds like he's simply comfortable with the relationship and the frequent calling is pushing him away. My advice from experiencing both sides is this: 1. Stop trying to contact him if you haven't already. Trying to go through his parents or something like that is a VERY bad idea. 2. I know there seems to be some hate for the "move on" group here. But thats what you need to do. It goes hand in hand with the no contact. Soon you'll be able to make it day to day without crying. Trust me, it'll happen. 3. If he knows he made a mistake, he'll come back. If he doesn't, then it just wasn't meant to be and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll get back out there and meet someone better. I wish you luck. Stop trying to contact him. Find comfort with your emotions by reading other stories or posting yours on these forums. It has helped me a lot... it has for me. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 The whole no contact thing is just killing me...People say it as if it is something easy to do...I think ok I am not going to call him, and it will only last like a few hours, or even a day, and I feel like I have accomplished something. I feel like he got the point that I did not call him on purpose. But really, the no contact did not even last long enough to have any effects...I will look at my phone, and fight back the temptation to call him, it might work once or twice, and by the way, I feel like I have genuinely achieved something lol, and then I eventually break and do call him... I would leave him alone, I would not contact him at all and just grieve by myself, if he would just give me the chance to say goodbye...My heart can not handle losing the love of my life, and him appearing to not even care...If he would just give me the chance to see him one last time, just to be able to hug him, and say goodbye, I would leave him alone...All I want is closure...and he doesnt even want to give me that...I think if a man breaks up with a woman he needs to at least do it properly... Link to comment
skyblue69 Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 The silent treatment breakup and not getting closure are very cruel indeed. I think you will get closure if you go NC for a couple months. I feel he will likely contact you then. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 I am scared that if I go NC that he will just forget about me and move on, that he will feel happy that I am not around...That would hurt me extremely bad and I do not want to have to face it...I want to think, that even though he broke up with me, that deep down he still wants me... According to him, his feelings for me have not changed one bit..that this break up was just for him to focus on himself...But I think, if that was the case and he really did love me then why didnt he just say that he needed a break...I mean I am going to busy non-stop after my exams this week...I wont even be in the country alot of the summer, and I wont get back until school starts again in August..I think that would give him space... gosh, I dont know..This breakup is wearing me down...I feel so dead on the inside... =/ Link to comment
newlife21 Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 yes, is so hard to be the one not having a say in the matter, not having some control. i am not good in letting people control me, i tried my best when i was in the same situation to explain. when he still ignored me, i gave up. i had said all that i want, if he still choose to ignore me, i do not want to do anything anymore. in fact, i cannot think of anything else i can do except to give up. the unexpected twist is, once i gave up, he came back. i actually do not feel that we should NC immediately, we should try to explain first, because we care. but if the other party still ignore, then NC comes in. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 6, 2009 Author Share Posted May 6, 2009 See, but I have tried..When he called to break up with me, he did not give me a chance to talk..So I emailed him, I told him what was on my mind...I told him I would give him his space and if he was ever ready to give me a second chance, that I would be waiting...So hopefully he will come around... Link to comment
skyblue69 Posted May 6, 2009 Share Posted May 6, 2009 I know how you feel. I still have his number set to a "special" ringtone. Everyday I think "today might be the day I might to hear that special jingle" that plays on my cell phone when only he calls. It use to play 5-6 times a day. Now it's been more than a month since I've heard it. Link to comment
_amani_36 Posted May 6, 2009 Author Share Posted May 6, 2009 lol, NOOOOO! Don't tell me that! I need to hear that there is hope and your ex did call you back! Right now I am just holding on...I am being patient with him and I think that he will come around...but if I try to put the thought in my mind that we are completely over, then I break down again...I am trying to cope and move on for now, and I am doing this by putting my hopes up that he will eventually come back...he has to... Link to comment
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