I want to be strong, help me...

[newlife21]

hi everyone, i am new here. i read a lot of other threads before i decide to join too. i think i need to release my sentiments so that i don't break down. maybe some support from you guys could help a lot...

 

my story: been together for 3 years, planning for a future. yesterday he text he couldn't stand my pms anymore and said we shouldn't see each other for a while. i feel that this is an excuse, i feel that he is freaking out about having a future with me. i did throw small tantrums during pms, like raise my voice a little, log off msn abruptly ( only once ), but me and friends feel that a man will not break up with the girl becausae of this. he is very tempermental too, but i put up with him.

 

i emailed him i am reading book to work on my pms, he didn't reply.

 

i did some self reflection. honestly, i feel that i am not classy enough for him. in terms of looks, i am good. but i am not calm enough, when i am agitated, i raised my voice, i slammed door on him once, log out msn abruptly twice. i feel that in order to be with him, i need to be calm and collected all the time. yes, i am beating myself up. but i do want to be a classy person too, i did try, i read books, i did make improvement, but not good enough i guess.

 

it hurts, it hurts so much. right now, i don't feel i am good enough for him, i want to let go. i didn't fight with him, i acted classy. i haven't done anything stupid yet or spoil my image more. i decided to do NC without declaring. i hurt so much inside i think it is all broken, i dare not look at the wound yet.

 

i want to do NC solely to clear my mind and heal. i do not want to have the hope to make him come back with NC. i feel that what he did to me was not kind and unreasonable. he didn't give us a chance to discuss, to work things out. i stay away from him now. he said my pms hurt him, the way he hurt me is 10 times more. he will not answer my phone calls, he is always like this when upset. honestly, i find him immature, but i accomodated. he is 40 plus btw.

 

he always said he is so lucky to have me. but i know he is now taking me for granted. i know i cannot take his words seriously anymore. i am so glad this forum gave me so much wisdom that i at least know what to do. but i need some encouragement. i am always working at home alone, words from anyone will help. i don't want to go out now because i know i may cry.

[newlife21]

a letter to him that i won't send:

 

you have utterly disappointed me this time. i will not write to you or beg you. i do not want to hate you or be angry, because that takes a lot of energy and leads to nowhere.

 

actions speak louder than words, all along i know that your sweet words may not mean much, you actions time and time again hinted that you don't really love me, but i make myself blind to them. i wanted to trust you and give you benefit of doubt. now you had finally choose to hurt me for real.

 

i know you are dumping me, but i won't ask you for confirmation. can't take it... i won't pester you and make myself irritating, don't worry, i won't do that. i still have pride. i am leaving. i don't want to say good bye, i just don't want to say anything, i can't take it. let's break up without making it official. i know you are not making it official too because you are afraid you can't take it. we'll do it slowly, in a unclear way. this is the best way so that i won't break down too badly. you know, the truth is i can't live without you. but i won't let myself do that. i want to heal, i want to be able to live without you. i don't know if i could be happy again, but i won't let you control me. i love you, but you disappoint me too much, i take my leave....

[Tanzi]

I really feel for you and I understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing. This man is hurting you and right now I think you need to back right off. Who knows what will happen when you've both had time alone to think about your relationship. But right now contacting him isn't helping things and it is just hurting you.

[newlife21]

thank you jellybaby, i agree totally and this is just what i am doing. NC is the only way. i feel that he plays mind game with me. when he text me "not see each other", i replied sorry i upset u, i will leave u alone. two hours later, he sent be a long text about swine flu and instructed me to avoid it. ( i know him, this is the way he shows concern.) i saw this text only after i sent him email about i am making effort in my pms issue, and plead him a little at the end. he didn't reply. is like, i put the ball back in his court. i sent him the email becos i don't want to play mind game, i want to be open and mature and sincere in our relationship.

 

anyway, he is closed up for any discussion now. i will back off. thanks to the wisdom in this forum. if not, i would be going nuts. although i am crying now, at the very least i know what i should do, can take one day at a time. my goal now is NC for today, then tomorrow...until he contacts me. is so sad... i appreciate anyone to leave a word to me here. i am all alone, becos i work from home. no friends.... becos i am a immigrant...i cannot beg him, so i am begging for some attention in this forum. i am begging, i feel like begging, i am so pathetic...