Did I blow it? Long talk with the ex...

[LostinVan]

One further thought on the coaching. I suppose I could agree to coach her, but on my time, and also limit the time... "sorry, I have things I have to do". kind of thing. That would fall into the game plan that both Beec and Gee Cee have proposed.... ?

 

Addition: I just sent her an SMS saying "if you want coaching for the thing on Monday, we'll have to find a time that works best for me; something came up and I'm going to be busy tomorrow".

 

Within seconds of me sending it, she calls... I said "I'm really busy right now, can I call you back..."

 

Left it at that. But I'm still burned today - at her blowing me off again, at my reaction to it, at not reading your good words before I started my day. Grr.

 

There's also a danger here. The stuff I just did, telling her I'd talk later, being short, that EXACTLY what I did with her for years. I gotta adjust how I do it. I have to probably be more polite and change my word structure a bit so she doesn't get flashbacks if I start becoming less accessible again. Damn, this is tough.

 

LostinVan

[LostinVan]

I'm thinking about sending her this email, or saying these things to her in person. Thoughts anyone?

 

 

I was hoping to talk to you about this today, but we didn't get the chance.

 

I need you to more clearly define for me when you plan on being in the house on a weekly basis. I need to have more of an understanding of when I can expect privacy or "my space" as I continue to work on things.

 

Please understand - I am not denying you access to the house.

 

I'm asking that you give me the same respect that I've been giving you - privacy, and the ability to be secure in knowing that, when I'm home, I don't have to worry about you dropping by if I am doing other things or decide to have friends over. Since I don't know where you are staying or who with, you're very secure in this and you have this privacy. Even if I did know where you were staying, I would never even attempt to go and visit you - I respect your wish for space and for distance. I am asking for some of the same.

 

So I would appreciate it if you could do several things.

 

First, please let me know as best you can the times during the week you want to be at the house, be it teaching or inside the house. If it changes at any time, please let me know at your earliest convenience.

 

Second, if you want to stay longer in the house outside of those times, or want to drop by unexpectedly, ask permission first (or call). It's a courtesy I would like you to extend.

 

Third, if you would like to drop by and chat, just ask me, and if I have the time, I'd be more than happy to.

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

Thoughts?

[Beec]

LostInVan, slow down, don't jsut go off and tell her now we do things on my time. And plan the time for your withdrawal. I would not just do it on a whim and I would not do it after this morning.

 

You withdraw after you have given her an emotional high. You want to go and pump her up to the extent that you can, with what access you have and to the extent you can without chasing her. Make her feel great, get her relying on you, or thinking she feels so special, be a pillar of support for her, then remove it.

 

Plan what you are doing, and work based on her reactions.

 

I think coaching her gives you a great chance to make her feel great.

 

If it works, then disappear a bit.

 

You know it sounds terrible, but you are looking to manipulate her emotions. Big ups, big highs, from you, followed by falling when you are missing.

[LostinVan]

sigh, it's a bad day for me Beec. But wise words again.

 

Okay, I'll make one resolution right now. Think about any major action for at least a day before doing it... I always see things differently the next day I know that... so now I gotta do it.

 

Sending the SMS was good in my head, but now I'm slightly regretting it.

 

I do want to set more defined boundries on my space and my privacy right now. I don't like the fact that I am a doormat when it comes to this house and her access. She comes and goes as she pleases, stays as long as she wants or as short as she wants. It's driving me nuts, and I am a doormat, a patent, dictionary definition doormat as long as that continues.

 

BUT... as you said, I have to plan it out better. I think I will, if she wants, help her with more coaching tomorrow. I will also talk to her and be very supportive after the interview is done on Monday. Then maybe, slowly, I will start to withdraw, and better define my limits with her. She even expected me to pay the full mortgage while she was not staying here, but she's in the house about 45 hours a week, does her laundry here, makes coffee, has meals, kept her keys, the whole shebang.

 

So I won't send the email. But I will probably have to move next week to withdraw a bit, and withdrawing means setting limits for access, I think... unless I'm wrong on that too?

 

Damn, I can't even get any work done today

[Beec]

Not sure if it is setting limits on access. Your situation is kind of unique.

 

A withdrawal need not be a physical withdrawl. It can be an emotional withdrawal while you still remain physically present. It is only really a turning on and off of what you are feeding to her to get her an emotional up.

 

I think there needs to be some kind of limits, but I am not sure. The fact that she can come and go as she pleases make her very comfortable around you. This is a great thing, it gives you lots of opportunity to work, so you don't want make her uncomfortable.

 

You may jsut want to get up and leave the house or the room.

[LostinVan]

I hear what you're saying Beec, but there's something else too. Most days I'm on pins and needles... "is she coming over now!? is she leaving??". It ruins my day because if any slightest deviation from what I hope happens, I get sad.

 

If I get her to clearly define that I live here, she doesn't, and by my good grace I let her use the house under certain conditions, I think I'd feel a lot better. But the trick is, how not to force her away too much.

 

Sidenote: got a flurry of emails from her this afternoon. First one:

 

"I think I've pretty much decide that I will be going to the trade show. I've

already been adjusting my schedule to accommodate my absense, and

because it's only for a few days, it'll be less of an impact. Not

crazy about flying, driving... or anything like that,... but it IS one

of the bigger shows."

 

So GeeCee and Strong1 - you were right. In the next few weeks, I'm going to have to figure out how to play this one. I'll post some more details in a few days and solicit thoughts. This is a huge event... the show, that is. I will be in my best possible light at it too - a lot of people expect me, and a lot of bigwigs in this particular industry have already set up "meets" with me and such. In fact, my social calendar for the show (breakfasts, lunches, "beer" after each day's show, and dinners) are almost all booked up.

 

For some reason though, I'm not excited at the moment that she's going.

 

Second email said, in part:

 

"apologies for not answering your other email... but I honestly didn't

have a chance to... it was either spend time talking to you, or write

you an email on Friday."

 

and

 

"And.. my sincerest apologies for crapping out on your shopping trip. I

felt really bad about that, but I honestly didn't clue in this morning

when we were talking. I know you were disappointed. "

 

So, some redemption I'm not sure what to do next. Should I respond to them? Or just cool my jets till I see her next? Let me tell you what the old me would have done.

 

I would have written her back and said "don't worry about the shopping trip - I was only as upset as you were the day before when your friend bailed on you and you complained to me about how rude it was..."

 

But I don't think I'll do that this time around

 

LostinVan

[LostinVan]

Well, I'm feeling a bit better. I went out with the boys for a short while and had a few pints. Nothing to get me drunk.

 

I decided to pick up on sending her friendly emails again (I haven't done it for a couple of days because she wasn't responding). I covered the missed shopping trip here:

 

"Regarding shopping today. Thank you for the apology, you owe me one now Don't worry about it too much, and I also understand that you have a lot on your mind, and that little things I may ask for get forgotten. It's okay."

 

So, I think I handled that one okay.

 

- I acknowledged her apology (I didn't do that much in our relationship)

- I said she owed me one (with a smiley face, but the intent is there)

- I showed understanding (in her email she further explained a reason why she forgot which I don't want to repeat here - it's personal to her).

- I got a tiny dig in by saying "little things I may ask for get forgotten" - I actually didn't realise I got this dig in until after I sent it.

 

Now I know I didn't wait a full day before acting, but I was in a much better frame of mind.

 

Regarding coaching for her big interview. I decided to say this as the wrap up to my email:

 

"I hope you had a great Saturday. I'm going to be busy Sunday, but will be taking a break at around 1 or 2pm for an hour or two if you want some additional coaching for your interview. I will most likely walk (the youngest dog) to the park and back at that time, and you'd be welcome to come along if you would like."

 

So, I didn't quite follow your advice Beec... I felt I needed to put some kind of breaks on being a doormat, and I needed to do it toot suite. Mix it up, as Strong1 and Gee Cee have said. But I think the interview is important enough to her that she'll be flexible to my available time.

 

LostinVan