Breakup is ruining my career

[dhjjessel]

I got unceremoniously dumped 4 months ago.

Now, this girl is everywhere, since we have mutual friends. I always hear things about her, never really have a day that goes by where she is not in my head. I am/was craaaazy about her, and even though she moved on very fast and without a care in the world for me, I still havent got over her. Now, I have really important exams at university in a months time and I cannot focus! She is in my head, and I always get distracted. I am expecting to run into her this week at a gathering of our mutual friends, and I am obsessing about it NOW, even though it is still ages away. I cant let this ruin my degree!

But i cant stop thinking about it

how do i focus?

[longdist]

If it helps at all, I'm in the same boat mate (4 months ago as well). It almost seems like I'm using thoughts of her to procrastinate. My advice is that you just block her from your head as soon as she pops in there. Unfortunately breakups can certainly hurt a semester for someone. I don't think there is any sure-fire technique to help you. I think breakups during school can be much harder than during a full-time job since you have the luxury of always being free to think about her (lectures, walking to class, etc..). A job keeps you busy and you almost don't have time for a breakup. So I guess that is more venting than helping. I have a final exam in a few hours, so I'm obviously having the same issues, w/o a great answer.

[Jueru]

I think u better avoid those mutual frds for the time being.. Breakup is always hard... Dun be too hard on yourself.. time will heal all wounds

[viajera]

I can totally relate - my breakups always seem to come at the worst time, when I absolutely have to be able to focus on work and I just can. Here's what I've learned to do: compartmentalize.

 

If it doesn't seem totally cheesy to you (and maybe even if it does), try sitting quietly and imagining a big box. Mine looks like a cardboard moving box, but yours can be a foot locker or a metal briefcase with triple locks or whatever. Then imagine packing away all your hurt feelings, anger, sadness, confusion, loss - everything, all thoughts of him/her and everything that happened or could be in that box. Stuff it all in there then close it, quick, lock it up tight. Tell yourself that you need to put this aside for now, and you'll come back to it - and it's *very* important that you do come back to it, or it'll come back to bite you in the a@@ later.

 

Then, go back to focusing on your exams. Whenever the thoughts creep back into your mind, cram them back into the box and tell them you'll deal with them later. They're like little demons that desperately want attention, and have to be firmly dealt with. Block out the thoughts and go back to your studying.

 

Then, when you're done with your exams, find a good amount of time completely to yourself. I always try to go out of town by myself for a few days to get away from all distractions, but you could just lock yourself in your room if leaving isn't an option. Then sit down and imagine opening up and unpacking the box. Let all those feelings rush back out of the box and into your mind, and deal with them in turn. Sometimes, if I've compartmentalized well enough, it takes a while to get the emotions to come, and sometimes takes a few drinks and a lot of writing. But let them come, face them, and deal with them then - when you're ready.

 

Best of luck to you, both in your healing process and with your exams.

[dhjjessel]

Why is it that i always have to resist the urge to find out what she is up to, whether she has been talking about me, etc. when the answer is never really comforting?

its like i am punishing myself

i allow my mind to wander into realms of her new relationship that i really dont want to know about, and yet i OBSESS about it

i hate it

[leixling]

I have the same problem except I'm a girl whose first bf dumped her 3 months ago. I got 21% in my first exam and it's all because I obsessively think about him. I cut contact off him 25 days ago and although I always think about him and am still heartbroken, it has helped. Now I can see him for what he really is- a selfish jerk. I'm not even saying it out of bitterness coz he dumped me, I made a list of all the bad things he'd done to hurt me when we were together and it was a page long. Now I don't want him back lol.

It will help if you delete her off Facebook, assuming you haven't already. Block and delete her on msn too, and delete her number to resist drunk dialling.

Try to avoid mutual friends and remove any physical reminders of her. If you can't avoid mutual friends, the next time she's mentioned say in a polite friendly light way: "can you not talk or mention her to me please I find it easier to get over her if I don't hear about her life." Or something like that.