wow... how do i handle this?

[Parisa]

heres my background story:

 

basically last night i was attacked by three guys when arriving to london late late night. it was horrendous. after they had ripped chunks of my hair out, hit my head against the car because i was struggling and refusing to get into it whilst telling me exactly what they were going to me once they got me i was literally saved by a worker at the train station who was patrolling. the people at the train station took care of me and i decided against involving the police as i was so embarassed. they called me a taxi home n i came straight in and threw up. i've been in a state of shock since. i cannot get it out of my head and can't stop seeing it even when i close my eyes. i'm covered in bruises and feel so disgusting. all i keep thinking is what if....

 

i feel humiliated because i'm a black belt in jujitsu and am known to be able to take care of myself.

 

if you read my background story you'll see that i'm going through a period where my ex wants me to prove to him how serious my affection are from him because my lack of attention and love was what drove him away.

 

we are at a crucial stage but this event has really messed up my head. i cannot bear to see anyone or talk to anyone. i feel so humiliated. if my ex knew he would probably hate himself. this is the first time he hasn't picked me up from the station and he is fiercely protective of me and i'm always having to remind him that i'm a big girl and can take care of myself. if he knew another man had touched me it would mess him up. and i feel guilty. i still feel like his and he still feels like he's mine but we're not in a relationship. i'm sure i will get over last night's events. i'm not fearful or weakened by it. i just feel sick as i've never been physically handled like that.

 

i can't tell him, it'd crush him but that means i can't explain why i just can't see or talk to him right now and that would work against everything i'm trying to achieve which is showing him i consistently care and that i've put my guard down.

 

i've spoken to my best friend about this and he's also close to my ex but i trust him fully not to tell him.

 

i just don't know what to do. i want to talk about it so much but my best friend is the only one who wouldn't tell him. if it ever comes out he'd be so angry i didn't tell him. i can't even look him in the eye or respond to his texts.

[Greedy Toad]

Uh, I'm sorry, but why is it that the police were not called?

 

Surely the rail workers would have alerted the authorities.

[metrogirl]

You absolutely should have contacted the police because these men are dangerous and who's to say that they won't do this again to another female. You are lucky, you got away with your life, the next girl may not be so fortunate.

[tulipsfav]

Why did you not call the police? Because of this, they are free to try this on some other innoncent victim!!

[Parisa]

at the time i was in a state of shock, and i wanted to get away as quickly as possible. it's easy to say what you would've done and i would've probably asked the same but when you're in the situation things are a lot less logical....

 

do you have any advice for the situation?

[Greedy Toad]

Yes, report it to the police now.

[Parisa]

thanks for the advice guys, i appreciate it but i posted this problem on the breaking up forum because i'd appreciate advice to do with my relationship issue. the other issue is something i'm going to deal with but i don't want to discuss that here.

[Greedy Toad]

Well, after reading your previous posts, i would recommend you break all contact with your ex, as you clearly are not emotionally ready for a relationship.

 

Work on yourself emotionally.

[Whiskers]

I think you should tell him, he'll find out one way or another and he'll be hurt and angry you didn't tell him - besides, it would probably be a good chance for the both of you to get your issues out in the open.

 

Call the police.

Relax and get past this - learn from this

 

if you're supposed to be proving your affection and love for your ex...let me inform you that by not leaning on him, calling him and confiding in him, will push him away completely. He has to feel like he's needed and you're pretty much making it so that he isn't...nothing will change and life being the way it is - HE WILL FIND OUT!

XXXX

[Parisa]

i don't want him to think i depend on him! sure i love him but i just don't think it's fair to burden him with this, he'd just be even more protective over me and that's something that causes an issue between us. how could i tell him? how do i word it?

[Anon21]

i don't want him to think i depend on him! sure i love him but i just don't think it's fair to burden him with this, he'd just be even more protective over me and that's something that causes an issue between us. how could i tell him? how do i word it?

 

You want to be in a relationship but you don't want to depend on him? What do you think relationships are? A big part of it is that you both depend on each other when times are tough and you care so much about the other person that your feeling of independence doesn't matter when you need them. IF you're serious about this relationship, than reach out to him when you obviously need him the most.

 

If you feel like you don't need him, and you're too worried about feeling dependent than you're obviously in no position to be in a serious relationship.

 

Also, be responsible, call the cops. Sheesh.

[Whiskers]

You could play it down creatively "I got into a spot of bother last night at the train station but the staff saved me from too much bother, I got to report it to the police though...bla bla..."

It's never a burden, they want to know because that's what's supposed to happen...couples share, people in love lean on those they are in love with. You say or do nothing then he was right in the beginning, you're not showing him anything and he's left wondering if you do in fact love him enough to let him help.

Be clear that you don't want to be smothered but you could use a little time with someone you love, because of all days today you need it.

XXXX

[DN]

I am sorry this has happened but I think you need to think this through a little more.

 

If you want to be in a good relationship with him then that means that you are mutually supportive. Not only do you offer support but you turn to your partner for love, sympathy and understanding.

 

Now, I understand you are broken up but you say you are looking to get back together. So I think you should tell him and look to him for that support - because this should not be how it affects him but how he supports you.

 

By the same token - how do you think he will feel if he finds out you turned to his friend for that support?

[Parisa]

yes i agree, he has an exam tomorrow so it would be quite selfish of me to tell him today. we're seeing eachother tomorrow so maybe then. the guy i told is my best friend who became friends with my ex due to our relationship. the only problem he'd have is that i went to "another boy" first. it's just such an awkward thing for me, how do i even begin to explain what happened? the situation seems to be testing what we have now and I really don't want that because it's still so fragile. it would put pressure on him to react the right way and i'm not sure what his response would be. it seems like it's such early days for anything intense to happen. so unfortunate this had to happen.

 

i've also reported it to the police. i hope you didn't think that i was dismissing the mens behaviour, i just didn't discuss it properly here as i was look for advice in relation to my situation with my ex. of course it is my civil duty to report them as i wouldn't want that to happen to any other girl.

[DN]

I think this might make or break your relationship. If he makes this about how he feels rather than how you feel then frankly he would not be a good partner - this would not be a man you would want to have to rely on to face future problems and deal with them together as a couple - and life has a habit of throwing such situations upon you.

 

But if he is supportive and does all he can to comfort you and help you - then you can move forward together with much more confidence in your viability as a couple.

 

This situation is a test in more ways than one. Not one that you would have chosen to impose of course but a test nonetheless.

[Parisa]

i have no doubt that he'd be supportive and concerned but i don't want him to confuse his true feelings for me with his ego.... if i tell him, i'm worried that he'd just feel responsible and blame himself. i just don't want to hurt him. he's so sensitive lately and he doesn't like to show it or talk about it which would just make it worse. he'd take it badly and pretend he didn't but inside he'd be paranoid that every time i do something for my self this would happen again.

[DN]

Many women worry to much about the so called 'sensitive male ego'. In the fist place that is a generalisation and somewhat insulting to men generally and secondly, if it were true for this individual guy he isn't really someone you should be with anyway - he would be way too self-absorbed if he made this about how he feels rather than how you feel.

 

I think you should be able to have more trust in his strength of character.

[Parisa]

lol i'm really not generalizing, due to our past he always expects the worst out of things...if i don't text back he thinks i'm ignoring him, or if i have to leave a conversation he thinks i don't want to talk to him etc. he would not make this about himself, he's a great guy. he has pretty much always put me first and even after he broke up with me he's always made sure that i'm happy and not doing anything dangerous or risky. i just know his weaknesses as he knows mine, and i don't want to put him in a position where he feels it's his duty to comfort me and support me. i just feel like i'm burdening him and i don't want to do that. tomorrow his exams end so i'll feel less selfish. i know if i told him he would worry so much and would actually feel guilty. i don't want to be the cause of that.

[DN]

I can see what you mean about his exams but once they are done I think you should tell him - give him the credit for being a decent guy with a good character.

[Parisa]

how can you tell someone in your life like that about something so horrendous? i'm worried once i start telling him i'll let it get the better of me and cry or something! i can't possibly imagine how i could tell him and be very cool about it. and knowing him, he'll want to know every detail. i don't think i want to relive it. i couldn't bear for him to see me in a state. he's always had so much respect for me for my strength. i know this isn't something anyone can not be affected by, it's a hideous thing, but i'd feel so vulnerable telling him. i like him seeing me as a strong person.

[DN]

Well, it is your decision. But I have to tell you that if I were him and found out about all of this I would be very sorry for you but I would be beyond hurt and that since you could not confide in me and ask for my support there would be little point in being in a relationship.

[Parisa]

wouldn't you understand that you had an exam the next day and i couldn't affect that?

[DN]

Yes, like I said before you can wait until after the exam - that I would understand and appreciate.

[Parisa]

what about how i should tell him? do you think it's best to be very strong about it? or that i should just put my guard down?

[DN]

I think you should say that you need his support and understanding because something fairly traumatic happened. Say you are dealing with it quite well and are OK physically and mentally but could use some sympathy - you don't need him to defend you or avenge you but just listen and be there for you while you work throught it.