Time to move on?

[akmcarver]

Hi everyone, I just came accross this site, and I'm hoping to find opinions of those who can be objective. My family and friends know me as a very quiet and reserved person, and I feel that when I ask for their personal opinions, they take my side - only because they're afraid of hurting my feeling or telling me I'm crazy. I just want to know if the feelings I have towards my current boyfriend are valid, and what I can/should do about them.

 

We have been dating for 15 months now. We each have children from a previous relationship. My son is almost 2, and his daughter is 6. I am 23, and he is 26. We both currently live at home with our parents. I have my licence, - he does not. We live approx. 45kms away from eachother.

 

I'm finding the situation with his daughter's mother is becoming very stressful. She calls all the shots as far as what his weekend plans are - as she fully controls when he will see his daughter. He sees her 3 weekends per month - sometimes 4, and he refuses to set plans in stone with the mother even a couple of days prior to these weekends. He seems more than willing to sit back and let her control his schedule, and says nothing about it. He says he will take whatever he can get when it comes to seeing his daughter. I'm not angry because he is a responsible father. I'm angry because he allows the mother to have too much control (in my opinion). It's impossible to make plans with him. If we make plans, we can never be certain they are for sure until he knows what's going on with his daughter. 90% of the time he will not find out what his plans are until the day of. If I say anything or complain (which I rarely do) he thinks I'm being a ' * * * * * ' and I don't understand. He often makes comments that 'his daughter comes first and always will', as if I don't know this myself. I have a son. I understand, but I feel this is a given, and it does not need to be voiced. He refuses to call me on the weekends he has her. If he does, he will wait until she's in bed for the night. It seems he can not conduct a normal adult relationship outside of his daughter. If she is in his presence, I feel forgotten and/or very unimportant to him. I have never once made him feel that because my son is around, he is not welcome. He has spent far more time with my son than I have with his daughter. The real issue for me here is when do I say enough is enough? Is it such a bad thing to want to be able to make plans with my boyfriend of over 1 year - to go out for dinner - to have a weekend to ourselves? It's not often I do NOT have my son. His father works in Manitoba in the trades, and is only home 5 months out of the year. As of right now, I see my boyfriend maybe 4 days a month...due to our different schedules. I suppose I was just hoping that my boyfriend would try to made seeing eachohter more possible due to our circumstances. I don't want him to see less of his daughter. When we part, I really never know when I will see him again. I don't know what to do, and if this is something I want to live with. I've tried talking to him, but he refuses to budge or make some kind of casual arrangement with his daughter's mom. He feel he doesn't have to - that I should be understanding and just put up with it. This mother will often just show up on his doorstep with child in hand, completely unexpectedly. I am honestly fed up, but do not want to blow up on him if my feelings are not valid. Maybe I AM crazy?

[pumpkinmoon]

I too would feel the same. Seems the issue is not the amount of time he spends with his daughter it is just that you can never make plans. And seeing each other 4 times a month when you have been together over a year? I don't think that is acceptable at all.

 

I understand that his daughter is important to him, but you should also be important to him. Why should he just take what he can get from her? She probably only dumps the daughter on him when it suits her. That is what it seems like to me anyway. If this is the case he should seek some advice and set up proper visitations.

 

Seems you have already spoken to him about this. He either has to change the situation or your are going to have to leave if you feel that you cannot live with it. I don't think any woman would be willing to put up with it.

[KrisAnn]

You absolutely have the right to feel the way you do.

 

His daughter should ALWAYS come first, and you obviously know this. But if he's agreed to enter into this relationship then he needs to put some work in. It's not fair to you.

 

What if you talk to him about just spending time with him and his daughter? He obviously isn't open to finding time for just you and him since he's unsure of when he'll see his daughter, so what if you suggest that you go visit him while he has his daughter? Maybe he just feels pressured for the "alone time", and he feels like he has to choose between you and his daughter.

[catfeeder]

He's showing you the degree and nature of his limitations, and he's demonstrated that your protests won't influence him--his mind is set. He's made his priorities clear as well as his chosen method of dealing with them. He's not positioned to be a BF in the manner you envision, so it all comes down to your decision. Given that this is what it is, is it enough for you?

 

In your corner.